Stargazing with You

11. Medical School

Chapter 11

Medical School

Third Year

“ H ow are we feeling about seeing Javi?” Blake asked. I avoided looking at her, instead staring past her out the airplane window at the California shore below.

“Great,” I replied, my voice pitched a tad too high to be believable.

“Uh huh,” Blake said, smirking. “And how are we feeling about meeting the girlfriend?”

“Better than great,” I squeaked at an even higher decibel.

Blake laughed. “I would work on that voice before we see them.”

After everything that happened over Christmas and New Year’s, I tried to convince myself that it was just the heightened emotions around the holidays that had gotten to me. I had said as much to Blake, after I debriefed her on everything that had happened during that week. She had, unfortunately, disagreed with my conclusions. In fact, she was now completely convinced that we were both hopelessly smitten with each other, despite my adamant protestations.

Regardless, the last six months had proven that something had fundamentally changed between Javi and me that week. At least, it had changed for me. Since that day, we still talked and updated each other on our lives, but it felt cordial and forced, when conversation between us had always flowed so easily before. We didn’t FaceTime every Friday or say ‘I love you’ at the end of conversations anymore. We had occasionally spoken in hypotheticals about future visits and when we would see each other next, but those plans had dissolved as quickly as we mentioned them each time.

When Blake suggested we take a trip together to commemorate the end of our third year—her only stipulation being that wine and sun had to be involved—Napa had seemed like the perfect location. She had laughed at me knowingly when I suggested it, but she was completely on board, even if she knew I had selfish intentions at heart. So we set our sights on an idyllic long weekend in Napa Valley, a much-needed respite from the demands of medical school. Meanwhile, I was determined to use this time with Javi to fix what we had broken; to not lose the greatest friend I had ever known.

The California sun greeted us as Blake and I walked out of San Francisco International Airport. Javi was there waiting for us, leaning against a sleek black Tesla, looking like he belonged on the cover of a magazine made to highlight the young (and in this case, heartbreakingly attractive) tech geniuses of California. He wore a black V-neck t-shirt and dark jeans. He had let his hair grow long, nearly to his jawline, and I had the sudden, horrifying desire to run my fingers through it .

There went any suspicions I might have harbored that my feelings in December were only a temporary moment of insanity.

My breath hitched painfully when he smiled at me, that dazzling smile that could outshine anything the California sun could offer. I hadn’t realized quite how much I had missed that smile in the last six months. I left my suitcase ten feet short of the destination and ran for him. He lifted me off the ground as we embraced.

“Finally,” he said as he set me down, his chocolatey brown eyes twinkling with delight. “You made it.”

It was then that I realized that Alex was standing beside Javi, leaning against the hood of the car. She was striking in her effortless elegance, wearing a flowing white summer dress and a wide brimmed hat over thick, shiny blonde hair. Her smile to us was warm, with the faintest hint of caution in her eyes.

“Diana, this is Alex,” Javi turned to her, still grinning widely at me. “And Alex, this is Diana. My best friend.”

Alex stepped forward and shook my hand. “It’s wonderful to meet you. Javier’s stories don’t do you justice.”

I didn’t really know what to say to that, so I just nodded and smiled feebly. “It’s so great to meet you, Alex.”

“Oh, and this is Blake Njoku, she’s Diana’s friend from medical school,” he added, almost as if he had forgotten Blake was there for a moment. “Blake is going to be an anesthesiologist.”

“Lovely,” Alex said, shaking Blake’s hand.

Blake smiled in a way, I knew from experience, meant trouble. “So great to meet you, Alex. Can’t wait to spend the weekend getting to know you.”

Alex nodded, looking a little unsure, as if she wasn’t certain whether Blake meant her words or not. I fought the urge to let out a groan. I could only imagine what Blake’s words foretold for the weekend ahead.

Javi loaded our suitcases into the car and opened the doors for each of us. We made light conversation on the drive to Napa, getting to know each other as the city gave way to the rolling vineyards outside. Alex spoke about her work at GreenPulse, a startup focused on sustainable energy, with a passion that was both infectious and intimidating.

She was everything I could have feared she would be. She was smart and driven. From her account of her work and Javi’s proud commentary, she played an integral role at her company. She was witty and well-spoken. Obviously beautiful. I was certain her features fit the golden ratio to a T. I wondered a little bitterly if she might be not-too-distantly related to Kate Upton. She was, it hurt to admit, a true bombshell.

If I had to choose someone to liken myself to, I would call myself more of a watered-down Lily Collins. I would never say I was ugly, but no one could ever mistake me for a bombshell. I was certain that having us side-by-side this weekend would make that abundantly clear to Javi, too, in case it wasn’t already.

We decided to get straight to the vineyards without stopping at the Airbnb. Javi and Alex, who had been to the Valley a few times already, had chosen the vineyards we would be visiting this weekend. Javi pulled into a long driveway, and the first vineyard came fully into view out the window. It looked straight out of a postcard, with rows of lush green vines sprawling beneath the soft California sun.

When we met our guide, a man whose passion for winemaking was as vast as the vineyard itself, he led us through the sprawling fields. Javi and I naturally fell behind the tour group as we quietly began to catch up. But we hadn’t been even relatively alone for more than a few minutes before Alex wandered over to take Javi by the hand, pulling him forward with her to speak to the tour guide about grapes.

I frowned, and Blake shot a withering look at Alex’s back at the action.

After the tour, we settled on the vineyard’s charming veranda, overlooking the expanse of green hills. A waiter set the table with a showcase for the local produce: artisanal cheeses, freshly baked bread, and a selection of wines chosen specifically to enhance the food selections and explained in eloquent detail.

We leaned back in our chairs with our glasses of wine in hand, cheeks flushed with the warmth of the afternoon. We discussed the food and the wine mostly, but eventually our discussion turned to our future aspirations.

“I think I’d like to go into a fellowship,” Blake mused aloud. “Maybe cardiothoracic anesthesiology or critical care. What about you, Di? Do you think you’ll stick to general neurology? Or are you thinking of doing a fellowship? How perfect would it be if you went into fellowship for epilepsy, after everything Javi has done with his device?”

“I haven’t given it much thought,” I said absentmindedly. The last thing on my mind today had been medicine, if I was being honest.

“Regardless of what she decides,” Javi declared proudly, “she’s going to make her mark on the field. But if she were to choose a fellowship in epilepsy, I am obviously partial to the idea of our career paths aligning someday.”

He lifted his glass to me in cheers, and I felt Alex’s stare boring a hole into me as he spoke. I looked away from them both, reaching up to brush my hair off my face as I fought the hopeful flickering of my heart.

“What an interesting charm,” Alex remarked, catching the glint of my silver bracelet in the sunlight. “May I see it?”

I wasn’t sure why, but my first instinct was to decline—to keep Javi’s gift a protected secret from her. But I didn’t know how to politely refuse the request, so I held my wrist out to her across the table. She inspected the delicate jewelry.

“Tiffany, isn’t it?” she asked, still holding my palm. “How beautiful.”

I wanted to snatch my hand back but resisted.

“It's a neuron. Javi gave it to me after I decided to specialize in neurology,” I explained softly.

She let go of my hand, and I pulled it back quickly. My fingers subconsciously brushed over the charm.

“What a thoughtful gift,” she finally added. I nodded but said nothing more on the subject.

The conversation gently shifted away, but the air at the table seemed to change. We excused ourselves from the table and drove away from the vineyard, this time in silence. We drove into town and wandered the quaint shops and boutiques as the afternoon faded into dusk. Blake and I looked around the shop we were in at one point, realizing that we hadn’t seen Javi and Alex for several minutes. When they reappeared a little while later, something about them seemed off. Whatever had transpired in their short absence had obviously caused some tension between them. Blake looked at me with a curious arch of one eyebrow, as if to ask, are you seeing what I’m seeing?

Alex seemed quieter after that; her smiles more measured, her laughter a beat too late. Javi too, seemed different—more reserved, his usual casual grace and ease replaced by a careful and stiff neutrality. Though I was trying desperately to relax and enjoy my vacation, I found myself obsessively over-analyzing their expressions and body language.

We chose a popular indoor-outdoor bistro for dinner. We were seated in a courtyard with lattices of climbing vines with white and purple flowers overhead. The setting was incredibly warm and romantic, contrasting the cold chill that had settled over our group.

Our conversation over dinner was stilted. As dessert arrived—a decadent chocolate lava cake that melted under the assault of our spoons—Alex excused herself to take a phone call. Javi’s face betrayed the faintest hint of concern as he watched her walk away. Blake’s eyes darted between us, and she excused herself swiftly to use the restroom. I knew it was her way of giving us a moment alone.

“Everything okay?” I asked, my voice low. I leaned forward, resting a hand on his arm with concern. His eyes flickered down to where I touched him and lingered there. Though he didn’t shake off my touch, he didn’t look particularly pleased by the contact either.

He managed a half-smile, his gaze flickering away from my hand, back toward the direction in which Alex had left. “Yeah, she’s handling some business stuff, you know?”

But that was clearly an excuse. I could feel it—the tension hanging heavily between us. I wanted to ask more, to explore the heart of his troubles, but I felt the lingering distance of the last six months between us like we were still on opposite ends of the country.

We settled into the Airbnb after dinner. It was a cozy little home close to town, with two bedrooms and one bathroom. The decor leaned heavily into wine country, with various art pieces, created by local artists I’d bet, out of discarded wine corks and bottles. We took turns in the bathroom before turning in for the night.

Blake rolled over to look at me in the queen bed we were sharing.

“What a first day, huh?” She smirked at me. I covered my face with my pillow and, very quietly, let out a muffled scream.

“I’m sorry I dragged you into this mess,” I grumbled into the pillow.

“Are you kidding?” she asked. “I’m having a great time. I not only get to drink delicious wine, but I have free entertainment. It’s like a soap opera.”

I gave another muffled scream as my response, making Blake laugh.

“Do you want me to take her out?” Blake joked.

“No!” I insisted, shoving her arm. “I want Javi to be happy. Alex makes him happy, so she is a part of my life now. We have to make this thing work with her, or I’m afraid I’m going to lose him. And I’m not willing to do that.”

“Okaaaay.” Blake sighed. “But the offer stands if you change your mind.”

I ignored her, turning off the bedside lamp and rolling over to go to sleep, determined that the following day, I would make the utmost effort to forge a relationship with Alex. I didn’t want her to see me as a threat, even if some little part of me, tucked consciously away into the back of my mind, protested in a very threatening way.

The next day, we slept in, deciding once we had readied ourselves for the day to head into town for brunch before the next winery tour that afternoon. I did as I intended. I sought Alex out for every conversation. Alex, isn’t this restaurant so quaint? Alex, your French toast looks amazing. Alex, where do you get your dresses? Oh Alex, I wish I could pull off a hat like you, I don’t have the face for it. And so on.

I could feel Javi watching me during these exchanges with a curious expression; not quite skepticism, but also not quite pleased at my obvious efforts to get to know his girlfriend. Alex seemed a little taken aback by my sudden enthusiasm, but she was willing to converse with me, nonetheless. As we drove from brunch to the vineyard, I asked enough questions to know basically her entire life story.

She was from Sacramento. She went to UCLA for undergrad and got her MBA at Berkeley. She had two younger brothers, one in college and one in his last year of law school, and she had a cat named Henry. I asked to see pictures of the fat orange kitty and the brothers, both just as attractive as their sister. I whistled low in appreciation at the image of her brother, the future lawyer.

“Is he single?” I asked with obvious appreciation. “Maybe you could set me up.”

Alex laughed good-naturedly as if I were making a joke, but I could feel Javi and Blake shooting me equally dubious looks.

I looked down at my cell to see a text come through from Blake, even though she was sitting beside me.

BN: Be cool. You sound like you’re trying to get Alex to sleep with you instead of Javi.

I shoved my phone into my lap after reading the text, a blush heating my cheeks at her comment. I leaned back in my seat, realizing I had climbed all the way to the front of my seat to get closer to Alex as I interrogated her about her life. My phone dinged with another text, and I looked down, almost too afraid to read it.

BN: I mean, she is pretty hot. Maybe they’ll both be in love with you by the end of the weekend. Think they’ll ask you to join in?

I wanted to throw my phone out the window. I glanced toward the front of the vehicle for a moment and saw Javi looking at me in the rearview mirror. My blush intensified when our eyes met, and I averted my gaze quickly, hoping he hadn’t seen my reaction.

“Everything okay, Di?” Javi asked from the front seat, sounding half-concerned but also amused, as if he somehow knew what Blake had texted me.

“Oh yeah, everything’s great,” I replied, not meeting his eyes again. I heard the softest chuckle coming from Blake’s seat, and I suddenly regretted inviting her on this trip.

We made it to the next vineyard a short while later. As we wandered through the fields with our guide, I linked arms with Alex, chatting with her animatedly, leaving Javi and Blake to follow behind us.

We explored the vineyard, as well as two others nearby, before we settled in for dinner in the final locale of the day. Dinner was a quiet affair, filled with the clinking of glasses and light banter of conversation. Later, we settled on the porch of our Airbnb around the fire pit, the night air crisp. It was during these moments, under the twinkling starlight, that I caught Javi’s gaze lingering on mine, a silent conversation seeming to pass between us with each glance.

The third and final day dawned. We spent the day exploring a local farmer’s market and a few more wineries. As the sun dipped below the horizon on our last evening together, the scenic backdrop was a bittersweet reminder of how fleeting these moments together always were for Javi and me .

Our conversation turned back to the wine, as we each tasted what was clearly the fan favorite of the weekend. Blake swirled the wine in her glass pensively. “You know, they say the best wines are the ones that have had time to mature, to really come into their own. It’s kind of like relationships, in that way, huh? Those that have been nurtured for a long time, that have grown through shared experiences and challenges, those are the ones that truly stand the test of time.”

She paused to let her words sink in, a small smile playing at her lips as she added, “It’s the depth and the complexity that make them both more rewarding. Don’t you think?”

“Well said,” Javi muttered, looking a touch suspicious at Blake’s declaration. I glared at her, though she simply smirked back at me.

That evening, the last night of our weekend together, we sat around the living room in our pajamas, enjoying the last few of the bottles we had selected from our vineyard tours. Blake, who had been exploring a cabinet in the corner, suddenly dropped a box onto the coffee table, startling everyone.

“Let’s play!” Blake exclaimed, and I saw that she had dropped the box for Code Names on the table in front of us. Javi grinned—I had never once seen him turn down a board game—and immediately started setting up the cards. We split into teams, Javi and Alex vs. Blake and me.

Javi and Blake volunteered to give clues first, leaving Alex and I to guess which words related to their clues. It took a few rounds for each of us to understand the flow of our partner’s clues and their thought process, but soon we were laughing and debating over each word and association.

Each time Javi gave a clue to Alex, and she in turn spent time mulling over the words and his possible meaning, I fought the urge to answer in her stead. I knew Javi’s mind. Sometimes, I thought, I knew it better than my own. And no matter how obscure the clue, his exact meaning almost always came to me immediately.

Blake and I were leading three rounds to one, and while he appeared to be enjoying himself, Javi was clearly irritated. He hated to lose. Few people could match his competitiveness. Blake sipped her wine, eyeing us across the coffee table.

“How about we switch partners for a couple rounds? Alex and me, Javi and Diana,” Blake suggested. I didn’t believe the innocent tone of her voice, not for one second.

Alex pursed her lips but did not argue. We rearranged the cards once more, and Blake and Javi set about thinking of clues for their words.

Blake and Alex only managed to guess one word with their first clue. Javi grinned at me smugly over the cards, and I knew instantly that he was not going to hold back just because his girlfriend was on the opposite team. He was going to win at all costs.

“For my clue: Orion.” He eyed Blake and Alex, then looked back to me with cool confidence. “Times five .”

Blake guffawed. “Five words? There’s no way.”

I looked over the words between us, contemplating silently.

“Star. Belt. Space.” I began, and Javi nodded with satisfaction as he plopped our blue cards on top of each word as I recited them. “Telescope. Soldier.”

Javi placed our fourth and fifth blue cards, grinning in triumph. It took only one more round for Javi and me to clinch the victory.

Blake shook her head in mock exasperation as she smirked at Alex. “Well, I surrender. I don’t know why I bothered. It’s like they have telepathy, right?”

“It is,” Alex agreed quietly. Still glowing from our victory, Javi didn't seem to notice how Alex watched us, her brows furrowed with concern. I very purposefully grabbed my wine and a blanket and put some distance between Javi and me.

“I’m going to sit on the patio for a bit,” I said to no one in particular.

“I should start packing up,” Alex said, heading in the direction of the bedrooms.

Blake excused herself to shower. She teased, “Don’t drink all the wine without me.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” I told her as I opened the sliding glass door to the backyard. The night air was cool. The soft glow of hanging lanterns lit the wooden patio. I curled up on the little couch with my blanket around me, lifting my wine glass to my lips. My senses were pleasantly fuzzy with the effects of the several glasses of wine we had poured throughout the evening.

After a few minutes, the sliding glass door opened, and Javi emerged. He sat beside me on the couch, leaning back and looking up at the stars above as he quietly sipped his own glass of wine. We said nothing to each other for several minutes, but the air between us felt charged, heavy with unspoken sentiments that had built up steadily over the last six months, peaking this weekend with our proximity.

“Do you still think about those hours we’d spend on the roof of the library looking up at the stars?” he asked wistfully. I imagined the game had made him as nostalgic for those moments as it had made me. “We’d lay on that blanket we hid in the stairwell for hours. Even through all the fog and lights of the city, I’d find constellations to point out to you.”

“Orion was always your favorite,” I replied quietly, looking up at the stars with him, admiring our old friend in the sky, with his belt and bow made of starlight.

“Most nights, it was the only one you could see,” he responded with a quiet chuckle.

The stars were so much brighter here than in Manhattan. For every star I recognized, there were another thousand that I felt I had never seen before.

“No matter how much I rambled on, you always seemed so fascinated by my stories. By my dreams,” he mused. “You never once made me feel foolish or unreasonable. No matter how wild the dreams. I miss that sometimes.”

I turned from the stars to meet his eyes, reflecting the flickering lantern light. There was an intense emotion blistering there. I tried not to delude myself into thinking that that emotion was anything akin to longing or need, the way it looked—the way I felt.

I swallowed against a hard lump in my throat. “I never got tired of hearing about your dreams. I still don’t.”

I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. I was keenly aware of how close we were in this moment, yet how far we had drifted apart.

I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him how much the last six months had killed me, feeling our connection to each other fade with each passing day. I wanted to tell him how I thought back to New Year’s with equal parts longing and anger, knowing that what had transpired had strained what we had.

But instead of all that, I said, “Sometimes I wish we could go back to those moments. Before med school. Before California. When it was you and me against the world.”

He reached out and gently rested a hand on my knee. Even that small touch seemed to send a current of electricity rippling beneath my skin. “Me too.”

The patio door slid open abruptly and Alex stepped outside, her presence slicing through the moment like a cold breeze. She stopped short when she saw us, an indiscernible expression crossing her face as she noted the proximity between us, Javi’s hand on my knee. Javi lifted his hand and shifted away from me, as if changing his body language might somehow reset the atmosphere.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt,” she said, her tone neutral but her eyes sharp as she watched us. “I was coming to see if you wanted me to pack your bag as well.”

“No, that’s okay,” he said, standing from the couch suddenly. “I’ll go get that done now. Thanks though.”

Javi walked inside quickly, leaving Alex and I alone on the patio. I silently cursed him for running away, leaving me alone with his clearly disgruntled girlfriend. I was tempted to make the same excuse and scurry away inside, but I knew that I would look incredibly guilty, even if she had walked out to see us in a relatively innocent scenario.

“Diana, can I be honest with you?” Alex asked, her voice steady, her eyes not meeting mine. She looked up at the stars, as Javi and I had been doing before. She studied them, seeming unimpressed, like she couldn’t fathom what we saw in them.

“Of course,” I replied, though I dreaded what I thought she might say.

“I see the way Javier looks at you,” she began. “I saw the bracelet. I hear how he talks about you. It’s clear you mean a lot to him—maybe more than just a friend should. ”

Her words struck a raw nerve. I recoiled slightly, my voice rising in protest, “Alex, you’re misunderstanding things. Javi and I are just friends. Best friends. We’ve been through a lot together. But there’s nothing more to it than that.”

“It’s not your fault,” she told me calmly, musing on the subject like it was a mildly interesting thought experiment. “I think there are feelings there on both sides, that neither of you have really admitted to. Maybe you don’t even see it. But I can’t be with someone who has that connection with someone else. It wouldn’t be fair to any of us.”

I stood, shaking my head in protest. “No, Alex, please. You sound like you’re going to break up with Javi over this, and I just couldn’t bear it if I knew I was responsible for this not working. I just want Javi to be happy. I want you both to be happy.”

She smiled a little sadly at me. “I know you do. And that’s the problem. No one knows how to make Javier happier than you do. I can never compete with that.”

Tears welled in my eyes. My voice was strained. “I’m sorry, Alex.”

She shrugged. “I’m not. It’s better to recognize these things now rather than later, right? I hope you two figure things out, Diana.”

She turned toward the sliding door, and I panicked. “Alex, are you?—”

“I’m going to go talk to him now,” she said. “My friend is on her way to take me home. She’ll be here soon.”

After she had disappeared back inside the house, I sat back down on the couch and put my head down in my arms, feeling defeated. Her words echoed in my mind long after she left.

What were Javi and I doing? Were we denying a deeper connection, or were we merely holding each other back from making real connections with other people? What if Javi hadn’t gone to California three years ago? What might have been? Would I have continued to deny this thing between us, merely to keep a vow I had made to myself years and years ago? Or would we have given up resisting this gravitational force long ago?

It was impossible to know what might have been. All I knew now was that this was my fault. Javi was inside, having his heart actively broken, and it was entirely my fault. I just couldn’t bear knowing I had been responsible for someone hurting him.

When Javi emerged half an hour later, I wiped away tears and looked up at him expectantly. His eyes were red and puffy. He sniffled a little, his hands in the pockets of his black sweatpants.

“Alex broke up with me,” he finally said.

“I know,” I replied. “Javi, I’m so sorry."

“She told you.” He posed it as a statement, not a question.

I nodded. “She did. She saw how we were together, how close we are. I’m so sorry, Javi, I tried to tell her we’re just friends?—”

“ Diana —” He stopped suddenly, steeling himself, and I was shocked at the anger in his voice. I never wanted something like this to happen. I never thought Javi could be capable of being so upset or angry with me. I couldn’t bear the thought of it.

“I’ve been thinking,” I said, before he could continue; before he could find the words to express his anger with me. “Maybe we’re too close.”

The anger seemed to leech from his expression as quickly as it had appeared. His eyes searched mine, wide with an emotion I couldn’t quite name. “Diana, what are you saying? ”

“I’m saying maybe we need to take a step back,” I explained miserably. “It’s not fair to anyone we might date if they have to constantly wonder about us.”

He stayed silent for a long time. Finally, he shrugged, conceding. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe we need to give each other some space for a while.”

I nodded, even though my heart ached. “I think it’s for the best, Javi. We can’t keep complicating each other’s lives. We can’t sabotage each other from finding happiness.”

Javi turned back and went inside the house. I walked to the room I was sharing with Blake. When she saw me standing in the doorway of our room, she ran to me immediately, taking me into her arms. The second my head hit her shoulder, I burst into tears. I kept my sobs as quiet as possible, not wanting Javi to hear me in the adjacent room.

“They broke up?” Blake asked quietly.

“They broke up,” I confirmed miserably.

“I heard some of the discussion,” Blake admitted. “Di, I’m so sorry.”

I shook my head, sputtering pitifully, “It’s all my fault.”

She looked at my face, wiping tears away that were only replaced by more. “It’s not your fault. You two were just meant to?—”

“We’re going to give each other some space for a while,” I told her.

“Some space?” Blake asked, looking shocked. “But Di, this is... you two...”

“It’s for the best,” I said finally. Blake looked skeptical but didn’t argue with me. She patted my back soothingly as I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning, we got our things packed and prepared the Airbnb for checkout silently, orbiting each other without speaking. We made the long trip back to San Francisco International; Blake and I with our headphones on, Javi listening to the radio. When we got to the airport, Javi got out and unloaded our suitcases.

He looked at me sadly. I fought the return of tears looking at him.

He pulled me in for a hug. “Diana? Regardless of what happened, you’ll always be my best friend. That won’t change.”

I nodded against his shoulder. I repeated, “Still my best friend.”

Blake and I walked away, my heart breaking little by little with each step that I took away from him.