17. Medical School
Chapter 17
Medical School
Fourth Year
A s the sunlight crept through the white gossamer curtains, I woke to find myself entwined with Javi. Though I woke in the same place that I had the morning before, the experience could not have been more profoundly different. The day before, I had felt not only physically in pain from the hangover, but anxious and shameful and alone. Today I felt like I had entered an alternate universe where feelings of anxiety or shame or loneliness were distant, foreign concepts.
I was in Javi’s arms .
I studied the soft whisper of his breathing, slow and steady, a soothing rhythm in the quiet of the morning. I traced his features with my eyes, his face soft with sleep. Around other people, up on that stage the day before, he cut such an impressive figure. He was all easy charm and grace, knowing smiles and cool confidence. But in his sleep, his expression was softer, revealing traces of the boy I knew and loved from John Jay. The boy who would bring me snacks in the library and tell me about his dreams on the rooftop and dance with me in his parents’ backyard .
But even though it seemed like a stark contrast from that kid I had met and the man he was now—the young businessman, boy genius, entrepreneur—I knew in my heart that they were the same. And it wasn’t one part of the equation that I had fallen in love with, but the whole picture—the boy who made me feel at home and the man who made me feel wanted. It was as if allowing myself to stop resisting these feelings had painted a picture in my mind of who he was in perfect clarity. Everything that made Javi who he was, now woven into a grand tapestry that was finally on display for my eyes alone. And I felt so lucky to get a glimpse of it.
Likewise, I felt that I had woken up better able to understand who I was. I saw myself and what I was meant to do with my life more clearly than I ever had before. Being a successful physician and being the woman who was in love with Javier Valenzuela were not two entities in battle with one another. They could not be in battle, because they were one and the same. I was going to be the doctor I was meant to be because of my love for Javi, and I was in love with Javi because of who I was as a future physician. Not or but and . All the logistics would work themselves out, I was certain. We would work them out, together.
Javi’s eyelids fluttered open. I watched consciousness settle over him as he took in my expression, glowing with relief as he realized, as I had, that it hadn’t been a dream. A radiant smile lit his face.
“Good morning,” he whispered, his hand gently grazing over my hip.
“Good morning,” I replied.
“Last night was...”
“ Everything ,” I supplied reverently.
“Everything,” he echoed .
We spent a long time looking into each other’s eyes in wonder, idly running our hands over the other’s skin.
“What do we do now?” I asked in a timid whisper.
He grinned wickedly. “I can think of a few things we could do.”
He pulled my hips against him until I could feel him hard against my thigh. My whole body instantly began to tingle in anticipation. His thumb brushed against my bottom lip before he kissed me.
When he pulled away from me, he asked, “What time is it, anyway?”
I pushed myself up until I could see the alarm clock.
“Almost nine,” I said. “Can’t believe we slept so late.”
His eyes went wide. He asked, panicked, “Nine?”
“Yeah, why?” I asked, concerned when he started to untangle himself from the sheets enveloping us. I propped myself up on one elbow to watch his retreat.
“My flight back to California leaves in less than two hours,” he said as he climbed out of bed. He walked to his suitcase to hurriedly put on a pair of clean boxers, joggers, and a t-shirt.
I got out of bed quickly. I collected my discarded clothing and put them on. I envied his access to comfortable clothes. I would again be leaving his hotel room in the same uncomfortable business attire in which I arrived. I scrambled around the room, throwing his things into his suitcase as he did the same. When he had all his belongings haphazardly arranged in his bag, he smiled at me ruefully.
“This is not how I wanted this morning to go,” he pulled me by my waist until our bodies were pressed together.
“I know,” I agreed, regretting that our bliss had to be interrupted by reality .
“Maybe I’ll skip the flight,” he mused. “Find another one later.”
“I would agree with you,” I said, pulling him down to my height by the collar of his t-shirt, “except I’m going to be at the airport just a few hours after you. And I would bet you have important business waiting for you.”
He kissed me, longer than we probably had time for.
“Maybe. But nothing is as important as this,” he breathed against my lips.
“Even so. We have places to be,” I whispered back with a sigh. “Besides, I’ll be in California in a few weeks for my interviews.”
“Right,” he agreed. “Just a few weeks.”
He reluctantly pulled away from me, grabbing his suitcase and backpack. I grabbed my phone and my blazer and followed him out the door. As we waited for the elevator, I glanced back at the door to Javi’s hotel room, silently thanking the universe for bringing us together in this beautiful place.
As his Uber drove up the elegant driveway of the hotel, Javi turned to me, his eyes flashing with concern.
“I love you,” he said hurriedly, as if he was worried that he had somehow forgotten to tell me. As if we hadn’t said it to each other dozens of times in these last twenty-four hours, both literally, out loud, and in so many other ways.
“I love you, too,” I replied, trying to make my tone reassuring. “Go catch your flight. I’ll see you in a few weeks.”
He kissed me, reluctantly pulling away after a few moments to load his bags into the car. I watched his Uber drive off into the distance, my heart aching at the thought of not seeing him for weeks, after everything that had transpired this weekend .
I slowly turned back into the hotel. By the time I got back to my room, my roommate was done packing her things and was ready to meet the rest of the group to head to the airport. I would have to scramble to do the same. She scrutinized my clothing closely as I started to assemble my things into my suitcase. Clearly, I was in the same outfit as the day before.
“Hey, everything okay?” she asked. “Everyone was trying to get a hold of you yesterday.”
I took my phone out of my pocket and looked down at the screen. It was completely dead. I hadn’t thought to put it on the charger last night.
“Oh?” I asked absent-mindedly. “What about?”
“Your poster presentation,” she said. “It won the top prize.”
I paused what I was doing, turning quickly to look at her.
“It did not!” I said, in shock.
She grinned, a little sheepishly. “It did. Dr. Karam and the rest of your team accepted the prize for you. I think it was pretty good money too, like $3000 or something.”
I blinked, dumbly. I had completely missed the closing ceremony. I hadn’t even paid it a thought. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had looked at my phone. My research had won an award, and I had completely missed it.
I had been entirely distracted by Javi.
I finished packing my things, my mind reeling in response to this news. I went down to meet the others to head to the airport. My research team cheered when they saw me, hugging me and giving me the envelope with my certificate and the check, which was indeed for $3000. Thankfully no one interrogated me on my whereabouts. Maybe, after the clearly emotionally-charged keynote address the day before, they had guessed where I might be. I was a little humiliated at the thought of my colleagues assuming as much.
The second we landed at JFK that evening, I texted Blake. I knew this was a topic that she would want to hear about in person, in precise and excruciating detail. And I desperately wanted to have someone who knew what I knew. Having this exist only between Javi and me somehow made it feel less real, more fleeting, like I could still wake up at any moment and find out it never really happened at all.
DR: Hey. Just got back. I could really use a girls’ night.
BN: Girls’ night out or girls’ night in?
DR: Definitely a girls’ night in.
BN: Be there in an hour. Bringing Indian food.
I made it back to my apartment a few minutes before Blake came through the door, holding a large paper bag smelling of garlic and curry. I felt like the news was ready to burst out of me. As soon as she had put the food down, I pulled her to me for a hug. Once I released her, she held me at arms’ length, inspecting me from head to toe with an expectant look in her eyes.
“Did something happen at the conference?” she asked, one eyebrow raised in suspicion. I nodded vigorously; my lips tight from the effort of trying to hold back a wild grin.
“Javi was there,” I voiced, my tone breathy and excited .
Her eyes went wide. “He was there?”
“He was the keynote speaker,” I told her. “It was a complete surprise.”
“And you two...?” her voice trailed off at the end, suggestively. I couldn’t fight the smile anymore. I nodded in confirmation, finally allowing myself to unleash the joy that I had been feeling since Javi’s speech.
When the truth finally hit her, she started squealing and hugging me and jumping up and down in my little kitchen. It felt so good to tell her, to not feel like I was keeping it a secret in my heart. What I really wanted to do was shout it from the rooftops— Javi and I are together, and I have never felt so happy —but telling Blake was almost as good. It took her a full five minutes to stop the cycle of squealing in delight and hugging me.
“So how was it?” she demanded.
I shook my head in wonder, my cheeks flushing. “It was incredible. I’ve never experienced anything like it before.”
Blake squealed again. “I need to know everything. S tart from the beginning .”
We finally settled long enough to unpack our dinner, and when we were seated and tearing at our garlic naan, I told her everything, from the moment I laid eyes on Javi at the conference until we parted ways this morning. When I finished the story, she shook her head, a knowing smile on her face.
“I knew it,” she said smugly. “You two were meant for each other.”
Though some long held instinct to deny it resurfaced for the briefest moment, I didn’t say anything to contradict her.
“But now, I don’t know what’s going to happen.” I didn’t hide the worry from my tone. “He’s still in California. You know how the Match works—it’s a complete crapshoot. Even though I have a couple interviews near him, I could just as easily end up in New York for four more years or Massachusetts or North Carolina or Texas. There’s no knowing.”
“Don’t count yourself out before the interviews have even started,” she admonished. “I’m sure you’ll get your top choice residency. But even if you don’t, if anyone can make the distance work, it’s you two.”
“Maybe,” I conceded, but the thought did nothing to settle my concerns.
“Look, I know you guys haven’t talked through all the scenarios yet,” Blake said. “But Javi is not the type to sleep with you just to sleep with you. He clearly is planning to make this work, or he never would have made a move to begin with. I think you are overthinking it.”
“Me? Overthink things?” I asked sarcastically. “That doesn’t sound like me at all.”
Blake laughed. “I am so happy for you two.”
“I’m happy for us too,” I whispered.
Blake and I talked for several hours, long past dinner. When she finally bid me goodnight, I was suddenly keenly aware of how Blake’s and my time together was coming to an end soon. We would be traveling for interviews for the next few months. Then there was Match Day and graduation, and then we’d be parting ways to start the next adventure.
I was going to miss her so much.
She had been such a good friend to me over these years, and no matter how much we worked to stay close while in residency, I knew it could never possibly be the same. While I was celebrating this new start, between the beginning of my career and this new adventure with Javi, I also felt a little grief at the thought of what I was losing too. While I would never want to repeat medical school again, and I was very ready for the experience to be over, there was still space in my heart for some sadness at the thought of saying goodbye to this era of my life.