30. Sophie
Iwoke energized with a mental list of tasks I wanted to do. I needed to help Callum find the right sedative. Grow and prepare more bigsweed and yellowmoss for Physician Harris’s use. Transform a room into a laboratory where I could make medicines. Talk to Mistress Rose about better ways to manage the servants. And learn more about Kasomere’s wider finances. The more I showed Kasten I could manage Kasomere, the more he could concentrate on his soldiers and the campaigns. My sense of purpose made me eat breakfast quickly, and I almost missed the white and gold envelope that lay beneath the normal household reports.
On the front in swirling gold ink was ‘General and Lady Batton.’ On the back was the king’s private seal.
I opened the envelope carefully and found an invitation inside on thick, expensive paper. I read it twice with growing excitement. There was going to be a royal ball in Adenburg, and my name was written in gold ink next to Kasten’s. I would be there as a relative to royalty. I knew Kasten didn’t like social situations and felt uncomfortable. But maybe this was an area I could be helpful. I could smile and charm and be fashionable. Maybe I could even help heal some of the relations between Kasten and his family. Ease his cruel reputation with the masses outside of Kasomere.
That the king wanted to kill Kasten was inexcusable, but the rest of Kasten’s family could surely become valuable allies.
I burst into Kasten’s study and flourished the invitation before his desk. “We’re invited to a ball at the palace. It has my name on it too.”
Kasten barely glanced at it and sat back in his chair, his head falling to one side as he studied me. He didn’t chastise me for my rushed entrance. “You can’t seriously be thinking about going?”
My excitement wavered as my confidence plummeted. “Y…yes. I would love to accompany you. I’ve not been to one of the official royal balls before, but I’ve been trained in all the appropriate etiquette. I won’t let you down. I could help build your political and social standing by cementing beneficial relationships.”
Kasten sighed and pushed his seat back away from the desk so he could rest one leg on the other. “I don’t doubt that, Sophie, but I don’t think you understand how dangerous this is. Going with me publicly to the royal palace will make you a target. When people think about how to get to me, they’ll see you and get ideas. Just as the Red Man did.”
“Oh.” Everything in me deflated. I was primarily a weakness to him.
“Sophie…” Kasten stood and took my hands cautiously as if he was scared I might flinch again. He had never taken my hands before. What did that mean? My heart rate picked up at his closeness, and I raised my eyes to his chin, not daring to raise them farther in case he saw the hurt there. The calluses on his thumbs brushed the soft skin on the back of my hands. I instinctively took a step closer, craving his acceptance and warmth.
Kasten’s voice became soft with a rough edge that caught on his words. “Sophie, think about it for a minute. Many people there are actively trying to kill me. The king sacrificed Whitehill for the chance to get rid of me. There is nothing good in that place, nothing but deadly games. You are precious. The thought of you in that place… Well, to be frank, it terrifies me.”
My breath caught. Precious. Did he really mean that? It was close to what Callum had said. Was he just placating me when delivering disappointing news?
I licked my lips and squeezed his hands. “Kasten, please don’t just hide me away here. I want to help. Being at that ball, I might be able to make a difference in your favor. Even if it’s just some support. At least, you would be less bored if I was there.” I attempted a smile. “I would really enjoy it. Besides, nobody is going to try to harm me in front of the most refined nobility in Fenland.” I forced my gaze up into his dark eyes and found them intense and conflicted. Vulnerable.
“Sophie, if they try to harm you…I don’t know what I would do. I’m not sure I would be able to control my response. And that…well…that scares me too.” He sighed and rubbed his forehead. “But the last thing I want is for you to feel like a prisoner. Of course, you may go wherever you please. But you do need to understand how dangerous it is. There are games you will become a participant in merely by your presence.”
I straightened my back. “If you’re going, I want to go, too, Kasten. I want to stand openly by your side. I can’t expect you to risk your life to keep this place safe and not risk my own in turn. This is something I’ve been trained for.”
I felt his body tense through where our hands touched. “You will stay close to me?”
I smiled and nodded. “Always.”
He looked at me in a way that warmed me all the way to my toes. He was being so…gentle today. Almost intimate.
Before I could change my mind, I reached up on tiptoes and brushed a small kiss on his lips. Flutters erupted in my stomach, and I heard his breath catch as he went completely still. My heart raced as if it couldn’t believe my sudden audacity. I had just kissed him. And it felt different from anything I’d ever experienced.
Kasten was standing rock still as if in shock. I didn’t free my hands but stepped back and looked down, suddenly acutely embarrassed. That had been far too forward of me. I had no idea if he had wanted me to kiss him. I’d not respected his boundaries.
What would Miss Claris have said?
Kasten seemed to be waiting for something, and he wasn’t meeting my eyes.
“Kasten, I’m sorry. I?—”
“Sophie,” he interrupted and there was a tense edge to his voice I’d never heard before. “May I…may I kiss you? But only if you’re comfortable with it. Only if you want to kiss me. I don’t want you to kiss me because you feel you have to. But if you would like me to…”
I stared at him in surprise. His words shook every belief I had about our marriage. Maybe Callum was right after all.
He released one of my hands so he could rub the back of his neck. “Ergh, I’m saying the wrong thing again, aren’t I?”
My chest constricted, and I felt a little giddy. How had he come through so much pain and darkness and still have such a kind heart? My mouth went dry, and I didn’t think I was capable of forming words in response. Instead, I lifted my free hand to his cheek. It felt so outrageous that I could touch his face, feel the slight roughness of his stubble, the sharp line of his jaw. The feared and loved General Kasten Batton. That perfect, solemn, unreachable man.
Again, he froze under my touch, but this time only for a moment before he leaned his face into my palm, sending a bolt down my spine that was both hot and cold. My breaths suddenly contained no air. I stood transfixed as he slowly lowered his lips to my wrist. The warmth of his breath tickled my palm. As he kissed my wrist, everything inside me melted.
I’d had no idea it was possible to feel like this, like every part of my body could respond to the smallest of movements, the smallest of gestures.
It was beautiful. And terrifying. And intoxicating.
I had been taught how to charm a husband with smiles and conversation. But nothing had ever prepared me for this. It was too much and not enough all at once.
His lips pressed against my inner wrist again, and I shivered. I was rooted to the spot. I couldn’t move.
“Kasten,” I breathed.
He lifted heavy lidded eyes to my lips. I swallowed. He leaned in and brushed his lips ever so lightly across mine. Like a whisper. A secret. An admission.
He stepped back. “You’re so beautiful, Sophie.” The breathless, sincere way he said it made my toes curl. I was under his spell. Under his control. Captured by the way his shadowed eyes seemed to drink me in. “I know I always say and do the wrong thing. I don’t know how to do anything right, but I want you to know how beautiful I find you. Just…incomparable.”
His words were hard to believe, but there was such raw honesty in his voice that I had no choice. I didn’t know what to say, how to put anything I was feeling into words. I couldn’t match this new Kasten to the one I knew who stayed as far away from me as possible.
He stepped back, breaking the tension by looking down and shifting his feet. He seemed to be searching for words.
I licked my lips. “I know you’re busy, but will you join me for dinner tonight? Again?”
Something I couldn’t read flickered across his eyes. “Do you really want me to? Not just because you were forced to marry me?”
I took a deep breath. “Kasten, it would make me so incredibly happy if you joined me for dinner tonight.”
The only way I could interpret his gaze was wonder, caution, and maybe nervousness. But I still couldn’t make sense of it all.
“I’ll join you.”
Joy rose quickly within me, and I beamed at him.
Again, he seemed taken aback, his lips slightly parting as he inhaled softly, transfixed.
I looked down, starting to feel self-conscious under his gaze. “I’ll see you in a few hours then. Though, I will understand if you have too much work or something else comes up.” I stepped toward the door.
“I’ll be there, Sophie.”
I smiled at him again, my whole body warm, and left his study.
I stood with my back against the door and caught my breath, still trying to process what had happened. We had kissed. He’d called me precious. Beautiful. And we were having dinner together.
Was this real?
I pressed the palms of my hands into the door behind me. I couldn’t mess this up. Not when I was starting to believe that maybe I had a real chance of happiness with the best man I had ever met.
Kasten
I’d kissed her.I had actually kissed her. Was I mad? What had I been thinking?
“Kasten?”
I startled and tipped over my glass of red wine. I swore and grabbed the tablecloth from a side table to mop it up before it could make the ink run on my documents, not caring that I knocked a pile of books to the floor in the process.
Callum looked over my shoulder, squinting at the one sentence I’d managed to write in the last hour. If he said one word…
“Are you all right, Kasten?”
“I’m fine. I’m…I’m just a bit distracted.”
The irritating man dragged up a chair to my desk. “Do tell.”
I scowled at him.
He spread his hand across my unfinished work. “I mean it is clearly quite a serious distraction. Does it have anything to do with why Sophie has been so happy this afternoon? She’s practically dancing around the castle, and though I know she was impressed by my workshop yesterday, I suspect this has more to do with you.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Did she say anything?”
Callum shrugged.
I sighed. “I told her she could go to the king’s ball.”
Callum straightened in surprise. “You did?”
“And…I may have kissed her.”
For the first time since I had known him, Callum was speechless.
“We’re having dinner together again,” I added.
Callum rubbed his eyes. “Who are you and what did you do with General Kasten?”
I ignored him and cradled my head in my hands over my desk.
Callum seemed deep in thought for a moment, and I wondered if he was going to have some useful advice for once. “What was it like? The kiss?”
I considered throwing him out the window.
Callum must have seen something in my eyes because he held up his hands in a placating gesture. “I mean, one minute you won’t even talk to her. The next, you’re kissing? Have you finally realized she’s your wife?”
I sat back. “Callum, she was forced into this marriage. People have been unkind to her in the past—her late husband almost certainly included. I only want to kiss her if she wants to kiss me. And I’m still finding that hard to believe. I hardly have any redeeming qualities except for my abilities to kill and to survive. Hardly husband material.”
Callum was grinning from ear to ear. “But she wanted to kiss you today?”
“Perhaps. I don’t know. She seemed to.”
Callum chuckled. “And now you’re having dinner routinely with your wife?”
I spread open my hands. “I’m going to completely ruin it before it becomes routine. What do I even talk about with her? Last time we ended up discussing the dissection of corpses. I want to be…more appropriate and interesting this time. But there isn’t an area of my life that isn’t violent, depressing, or distasteful.”
Callum rolled his eyes and filled his own glass with wine. “She’s been trained in conversation. Let her lead.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want her trained conversation. I don’t want meaningless small talk or her to be focusing the conversation on me to try to please me. I want to find out about her.”
Callum shrugged. “Just ask her about her plants. That should keep her going for at least several hours. You can just nod along.” He smirked.
I gave him a sour look. “Anyway, surely you’re missing the most important thing I said? I agreed to let her go to the ball. I’ll have to take her into the pit of vipers.”
Callum took a drink. “They’ve been trying to kill us for years. I’m fed up talking about them. Your love life is far more interesting.”
“Callum…” I growled.
He placed down his wine glass and looked surprisingly sincere all of a sudden. “Kasten, you have a beautiful, interesting, and clever wife. Be happy.”
I frowned at him. “I thought you didn’t like her?”
He picked up his wine glass and frowned into it. “She’s grown on me. And I think you’re growing on her.”
To have Sophie at my side, truly at my side, and part of everything, would ease my burden so much. But what of the cost for her? Could I really consider something so selfish?