3. chapter three
chapter three
go lions !
I study the building we'd pulled up next to, tracing the stone lions that guarded the entrance one more timebefore I turn back to face my parents. “I can’t do it.”
My mum and dad mirror each others worried glances as they eye oneanother, before I watch my dad shuffle above the leather seat, scrubbing his hand over his stubble. “You can, mate. You just need to—”
“But I can’t, Dad!”
I reigned in my tone too late, the bite my words carried hittingtheir ears and making them, especially my mum, dip their heads and rush out their sighs. I distracted myself from the disappointment that was radiating off them, and instead traced the lines of the campus building that I’d already traced three times since we’d pulled over.
I think it was the weather that made it look more daunting than ithad in the brochures—the marl clouds and sideways rain did nothing but make everything about the place that much more eerie. Or perhaps it was just the rain in general. Ever since that night, I’d found the rain uncomfortable, for so many reasons that I couldn’t find the energy to count them all.
“Tristan?” My mum’s soft voice shifted my attention and placed iton her. “You can do this, sweetheart.” I dropped her stare. “You’re ready. You know that you’re ready.”
I sprung my head up, my fingers pulling at each other, and my legstarting to bounce. “But what if I’m not?” I looked at Dad. “What if being here isn’t going to change a thing?”
Mum shook her head. “It will, Trist. Just knowing that you’re not in London and around those…” I peered to her as she choked on her words. Dad rested a hand on her knee, squeezing it slightly, silently telling her that we didn’t need to mention who’d caused all this grief in the first place.
“It’s a fresh start.” Dad reminded me. “And if it’s music that you’reworried about, you heard what they said in the meeting.”
He can have as much time as he needs, so long as he works on hisskills, and his lyrics, and not a word of this gets out to the press.
Cade’s voice echoed in my mind as I stared blankly out the window,my gaze drifting along the raindrops racing down the glass. The memory of that two-hour meeting with my manager and the board pressed against me, heavy and suffocating. I could almost hear the weight of their judgment; the thought of asking for time away from London felt like standing on a precipice, knowing they’d no doubt drop my arse the moment I revealed the reason.
I knew the risks that came with what I’d done, what had been doneto me, and how, if this were to ever get out of our inner circle, the label would do anything to stop being associated with me. And just like that, any hopes I’d had of the career in music that I’d had in the palm of my hands would be ripped away from me and torn to shreds.
He can have as much time as he needs.
I wasn’t shy about expressing to Cade just how much that meant tome—that somewhere behind his hitman stance and constant frown, I knew there was a man who was softer than his exterior. But as long as this stayed between us and I worked on myself, I’d be fine.
He also made me do him the favour of covering for the support actwho was supposed to do the Moody Sunday’s concert last night, so we were even.
I brought my head up slowly, running my hands over my face,catching the sleep that lived in the corners of them before locking eyes with my dad. “I know,” I mumbled. “I just... I just don’t know if here is the right place.”
Dad shrugs, his hands resting on his knees as he leans forward, theleather seat beneath him squeaking. “It’s different, Trist; we know that. But different is what you need right now.” He looked at Mum before putting his dark eyes back on me. “We could have just kept you holed up in your flat, or sent you up to a lighthouse at Lands End, but even that would be too close to London to know that you were safe.” He dropped a hand on my knee. “But here... you know New York.”
I huffed. “Barely.”
“You know it, sweetheart, more than you probably remember,” Mumstarted, the brief memories of the breaks we took during the summer holidays while Dad was over here working were a breeze through my mind. “And before everything took off with your songs, you always talked about turning eighteen and flitting off to uni.” Her head angled as she smiled at me. “This is your chance to be on your own, Tristan, before things take off and you suddenly have to grow up.”
Even though I was nineteen now, I’d already felt like I’d had enoughhappen to me to last a hundred lifetimes. Growing up turned into breaking down too fucking quickly, and now I was dealing with the aftermath. Existing in the rubble.
I looked into my mum’s sky-blue eyes as she said that, the familiarlines on her face deeper than they were before. Once I spotted the swell of tears bordering her lash line, I didn’t hesitate before grabbing her hands, and sliding to the edge of the car seat. “I’ll be okay.” She peered up at me with tear-soaked lashes. “I will.”
Mum was the first of the two of them to see me in the hospital bedthat night. A drip in my arm, four monitors attached to me and my skin almost the same blue as the shade in her eyes. She practically ran to my bedside, while Dad remained still at the entrance to the room, the doctor who’d seen me lingering by his side. Mum’s cheeks were already soaked with tears as she cupped my face and smiled at me, while my dad was frozen. Quiet.
I would be too if a doctor had told me that my child had overdosedand been minutes away from taking their last breath.
I wonder what they thought of me, seeing me like that. Before I'm sure they were screaming my name from the rafters, to all their friends and even strangers on the street knowing them two. They would have been proud, and part of me couldn't help but wonder if some of that pride has vanished since then.
Their eyes flickered with uncertainty, bodies tense as they restedcloser together, but none of us spoke of the worry that hung in the air. I could feel it too—stepping out alone for the first time since it happened, especially on the other side of the world.
But, as I looked around at the grounds just outside the window, aquiet conviction settled in me.
I had to be here, strange as it felt to admit it, I did.
Liberty Grove was one of those places I’d heard about in passing,like how I’d heard people bragging about going to Harvard or Yale in movies, but I never thought I’d be looking up at it like I am now, never mind enrolling as a student.
But beneath the swarm of nerves twisting in my stomach, there was something else—something deeper. A flicker of excitement about what lay ahead once I stepped through those doors. Strange as it felt, there was no denying it.
I knew that music still buzzed beneath my skin, a constant hum thatwouldn’t quit, even as I studied the streets that felt like a distant memory. New York was a mess of sounds, the rumble of traffic, the chatter of strangers, and somewhere, the distant thrum of bass from a passing car. But it wasn't home. And maybe that was the point. I needed this—the unfamiliarity, the sharp edges of a city that never let you catch your breath.
Last night, the stage lights had burned hot, my guitar vibratingunder my fingers, and for the first time in months, the words had come. Not all of them, not enough to fill an album if I was offered one, but enough to make the goosebumps rise when I heard the crowd. Their voices had hit me like a jolt—scattered lyrics thrown back at me, imperfect but alive. It wasn’t much, but it was something.
I shoved my hands deeper into my jacket pockets as I sat back inmy seat. Until I had the version of myself back that I recognised, there was this—student life, books, and the stretch of time between now and whatever came next.
“We know you’ll be fine, mate,” Dad reassured me. “And you know, ifwe could have, we would have arranged a flat so you had your own space, but freshmen have to live in the halls, or dorms, or whatever they’re called.” The corner of his mouth pulled higher, almost sympathetically. “College rules, mate.”
“It’s fine,” I assured him, letting a smile attempt to tug at thecorners of my mouth. “Really.”
Honestly, the idea of having a dorm mate wasn’t the worst thing.Maybe even a good thing, in some twisted way.
For a moment, my head was a blur from the faded memories ofgrowing up, the only clear thing about it was the image of me, alone, through every year at school whilst people I wished would suddenly remember me ran past me with infectious smiles.
I could never figure out what it was about me that kept me on theedges. Maybe I’d said the wrong thing, or maybe I just never said enough. Whatever it was, the isolation clung to me through secondary school too, like a shadow I couldn’t shake.
But now, there was someone forced to share a space with me. It wasa start, at least.
I’d say I was grateful for it—for being a loner and never having theprivilege of a friend group. I’d say it made me more resilient to the bullshit and the fakeness that came with dipping my toes into a fame I never imagined for myself.
Looking back now, it was the beginning of the end. But in themoment, it felt like life had finally started. And I couldn’t help but cling to the sadness of it all.
“Now,” Mum announced. “All your stuff should be in your dorm, andfrom what Janie told me,” Mum’s assistant, who’d unpacked my things whilst we were prepping for the show yesterday. “The boy she ran into was nice. I think she said his name was Finn.”
I nodded at her, not knowing what else to do.
“Just remember mate, keep to yourself,” Dad’s voice sounded, andfrom the husk of his voice alone, I knew the exact words that were about to fall out of his mouth. “And no—”
No attachments.
“I know, Dad.” I nodded, cupping my fist. “I’ll try.”
I’ll keep to the edges, where the light doesn’t quite reach. Funny,considering this was supposed to be the place where I’d finally meet the kind of friends who wouldn’t destroy me like the last ones almost did.
Before the sadness of that took over and glued to me the inside ofthis car forever, I looked over at Mum. “Am I still okay to come back for Christmas?”
Her head tilts, the chopped edges of her hair skimming hershoulders. “The key is always under the mat for you, Trist.”
I smiled up at her, before dad cleared his throat as he shucked hiswatch out of his sleeve and into the light. “Right, well, we best be off, mate. Jet leaves in forty.”
The way my stomach dropped didn’t fill me with hope; it didn’t makeme feel confident that I could leave this car and be okay on my own. And I hated that whatever was drained from my system that night seemed to steal away what little confidence I had.
But maybe being here would change that.
“Oh, sweetheart. I’m gonna miss ya,” Mum’s pained voice rang in myears as she stretched out her arms and pulled me towards her.
My dad’s stare drew my attention as I hung over mum's shoulders,holding it still and telling me without uttering a word that he was only a phone call away. Whatever hour, in the middle of the night, crack of dawn... whenever.
I mirrored his smile as mum unwrapped her arms from me, draggingher warm palms down my arms until they were back in her lap.
I nodded at both of them. “I’ll be fine. I promise.”
“And you can call us anytime—”
“I know, mum.” I smiled at her, before looking at Dad. “Anytime.”
I dragged myself out of the car soon enough, the door creaking shutbehind me. In front of me, the massive stone steps of Liberty loomed, stretching up toward the main building. My legs felt heavy, but I stood there for a moment, staring up at it all, and tried not to let the weight of the place throw me off balance.
Swarms of people buzzed across the courtyard, the slight drizzle ofrain making them speed walk their way across it, whilst trying to take in as much as they could. I was doing the same as I stood here, coming to terms with the fact that this was my life now.
I wasn’t kidding myself—I knew I’d be safe here. As long as I keptmy head down, focused on finding my lyrics again, no one would ever find out why I was here.
That secret was mine, buried deep where it belonged.
I wanted to make friends, really. But I couldn't forget—getting tooclose to the wrong people was exactly how I ended up here in the first place. That lesson was still fresh, still burned into my brain–
“Welcome Liberty Grove freshmen! If you haven’t already, comecollect your student IDs, campus maps and tickets to tonight’s freshmen-exclusive event at the Soho Observatory! See you new Lions there!”
I scanned the entrance, my gaze catching on the person with themegaphone and a single green, white, and gold pompom. I couldn’t help but chuckle, watching the Lion mascot dance around beside them. Guess I’d forgotten how over-the-top they did things on days like this.
I couldn’t tell if the shiver down my spine was from the Septemberbreeze or the weight of what today—and the year ahead—would bring.
I shook the thoughts out of my head, sucking in a breath like I wasabout to step onto a stage—naked, in front of a sold-out crowd. Honestly, that seemed easier. I’d have preferred it. I’d have rather done anything other than walk toward the Liberty Grove welcome sign, muttering words that made the Englishman in me want to belt our national anthem.
“Go Lions.”