12. chapter twelve
chapter twelve
it's just a little crush... or two
M y heart was only beating faster the longer the door before usremained closed, the one that led into the lecture hall where we were about to give our presentation in front of Etoille.
And it made no sense.
The way the nerves were creeping up my spine, like a spirit that hadhaunted the halls of Liberty for centuries was hovering behind me and breathing down my neck, made me question what was happening to me. I’d been looking forward to this presentation since the second Etoille told us we could do it on whatever branch of psychology we wanted.
The second I flicked to the one chapter in the textbook I’d deemedmy go-to for deeper reading, the heading ‘the heart and the brain are one in the same’, I felt those excited butterflies take flight, knowing that my fascination for that topic as of late would make the perfect case study.
My heart skipped.
I was fine. I wasn’t nervous. If anything, I was probably confusingmy raging heart for eagerness.
“Hey, you doing okay?”
As I twisted my head and stared into eyes that made my body feellike it was floating in the clearest of waters, I remembered the reason why I could feel my pulse in my ears.
I shook my head as I smiled up at Henry.
His second name rang distant bells in my head until I finallycaved and asked him where I’d heard it before, only for him to confess that he and Dean Sommerford were father and son. Perhaps part of my nerves came from that little nugget of information.
Doing my best to keep my eyes on his, and not let them wander like they usually did when he was around, I cleared my throat. “Yeah,” The word fought its way out. “I’m fine, I think.”
He shrugged, his calmness something I wished was as contagious asthe freshman flu that had descended upon campus. “You’ll be fine. We’ll be fine. We know what we’re saying, when we’re saying it, and our findings are great.”
His smile was golden as it shone down on me, like a flash of sunlightbreaking through the thickest of clouds.
My eyes dipped to the floor for a moment, squirming under hisattention. “You’re right. You’re right.” I managed to lift my head. “We’ll be fine.”
He nodded at me, his head dipping slightly to catch my eyes. “Attagirl."
Oh God, now those two words are all I’ll be able to think about every time he opened his mouth. He might as well have kissed me—it would’ve had the same shock factor. Actually, no, scratch that. If he *had* kissed me, I don’t think I’d have survived it. I’d be flat-out gone, like *poof*, turned into the newest bestie of whatever ghost is haunting this place and giving me chills right now.
I felt utterly helpless as I shot my eyes back down at the flashcards growing damp in my hands.
Henry was just so handsome, in a way that I could only describe aswholesome. His cute button-down shirt and glasses, mixed with his beach blonde hair, made him look like the human version of a golden retriever, just radiating sweetness. I think that was why I found him so endearing—the goodness and light he naturally brought wherever he went.
There was no doubt that the more time we spent together,even though all we seemed to talk about was the presentation and the fact that his dad was the dean, the slight crush I had on him was solidifying. Wedging between the cracks in my heart that had never been filled before.
He just made me feel normal, and giddy, and all the things I’d neverhad the time or energy to feel.
As my thoughts echo in my mind, my attention was dragged up tothe hinges of the door before us opening, Etoille’s head popping out from behind it a second later with his smile lines deeper than ever.
“Miss Moore, Mr. Sommerford, you’re up.” He chirped, beforeretreating back into the room, leaving the door wide open for us to glide in.
But before I could let my feet take me in, I felt a nudge on my arm. My eyes traveled up to Henry’s gaze, tracing his smile before I methis baby blue’s.
“You’ve got this, Goldie.” He reminded me.
Oh, for the love of all things holy—just kiss me already and put me out of my misery, you freakishly handsome menace. Stop tormenting me with that jawline and those eyes like you’re doing it on purpose! Not that it matters, because at this rate, I’m probably going to combust anyway.
Honestly, the dramatics. Maybe I really was destined to be an actress.
I shook my head, sitting behind the darkness when I closed my eyes, before springing them open as I lifted my palm between us. “We’ve got this.”
I didn’t want to feel the lightning bolts as our palms collided, but Idid. Boy, did I feel them. But I tried my best to push those thoughts to the back of my mind, and instead, I reshuffled my flashcards and sucked in a breath, before walking right on into the lecture hall.
My breath skated past my lips as we left the room, relief making myshoulders drop, my hands unclench, and suddenly everything felt calm again.
“Holy shit, Goldie I’m so sorry—”
I spun around to face Henry, sympathy weaving through my smile.“It’s fine, I promise.” I shrugged. “I kinda wanted to talk about that part of the presentation anyway.”
His smile was every bit bashful, shame settling in his smile lines ashe paced the floor in front of me.
Our presentation was going well, really well, until we reached thepart where we had to refer to the studies and professional findings we’d used to support our research, proving that the heart ruled over the autonomic nervous system, more than our gut feelings did. It was filled with statistics and figures that even I had to repeat in my head whenever Henry rehearsed them.
And when I heard his voice crack, his words catching in his throat, Ithanked my lucky stars that I knew them by heart.
He dished me a thankful smile when I started talking, but I simplykept my eyes on Etoille, ignoring how the side of my face that he was smiling at felt as though it was in direct sunlight.
“God, I don’t know what happened.” Shaky hands raked through hisblonde strands. “I could see the words in my head, but I couldn’t—”
“Henry, it’s fine,” I assured him. “It’s fine.”
He slowed his pacing, enough that I could see him take in what I’dsaid, before he stopped his feet in front of mine and stole a needed breath. One side of his smile lifted. “I’ll get you another birthday present, to say thank you.”
The ambush I’d had this morning from Daisy and the girls, runningto jump on the bed with handfuls of gift bags flashed across my mind. So did the birthday banners and shiny balloons that had been scattered around the dorm.
I smiled up at him. “As you should.”
His laugh was soft, and sweet, like silky honey falling from the tipof a spoon. Those ocean eyes dipped to the floor, only for a second, before they met mine again. “Look, I’ve gotta get to my forensics class, but I’ll see you later.” Before he stepped away, his hand scrubbed across his jaw. “Where’s this dinner again?”
I nodded at him, the evening after studying where I’d plucked upthe courage to ask him to my birthday dinner tonight flooded my mind as I said, “It’s Marco’s. That Italian place on third. Look for the planters outside, with the white roses.”
“Got it. See you tonight.” He gave me one last smile before heturned the corner, and disappeared down the hallway.
As I stayed in the room where we’d waited before heading in to seeEtiolle, hearing the whispers and last-minute rehearsals from classmates that I recognised, I had to give myself a minute, trying with all my might to pin down the corners of my smile.
A wave of giddiness buzzed through my body, in a way I’d only everacted out. But now that it was real, I wished for the feeling to stay, or for there to be a way to bottle the feeling up so I could sip on it for the rest of the semester. Letting it be the thing that wakes me up in the morning.
The thought of seeing him tonight, somewhere that wasn’t thelibrary or in the seat three rows in front of me during class, made me drop my head, the tips of my shoes being the only thing that got to see how pathetic my smile was.
I’d wanted to ask him out, just the two of us, but once I felt myselffalling deeper into his stare, my heart eerily close to beating out of my chest for good, I panicked, and blurted that it was my birthday soon and I’d love for him to be there.
Maybe tonight, if I found a quiet moment, I’d try again. But thethought alone made that giddiness start to turn heavy. The pressure to get it right and not embarrass myself in front of the first boy I had the time to crush on solidifying in the pit of my stomach.
Once I’d stolen some breaths and was sure that enough time hadpassed for Henry to be in another building entirely, I left, turning the corner and tapping my way across the stone floor, and this time, I let myself admire the details of the tracery, not caring that the October breeze was snatching out the heat in my body.
The view of the green from this floor was ethereal, making mecrave a warm autumnal drink and want to spend all day just existing there, catching up on notes. The leaves in every shade of red had now fully blanketed the floor, leaving the branches of the tree that was the focal point of the whole place all bare and spindly.
The buzzing inside my bag stole away my attention, and soon enough,my phone was in my hands, and I was scrolling through every notification I’d missed since I’d left the dorm. The ones from the group chat, bursting with questions about what the general consensus for outfits was tonight, were what I scrolled first, as my steps took me back down the hallway and towards the exit that spat me out into the main courtyard, just behind the library.
I was halfway into the hallway when a certain English accent caughtmy attention as it called my name.
“Gold’s!” Tristan called, and as I turned around to face him, his smileseemed to grow. “What you doin ere’?”
My lashes fluttered as I looked up at him, uncontrollably so;whether it was a physical reaction to hearing him call me ‘Gold’s’ that had caused it, or whether it was the happy tone of his voice that only seemed to slip out when it was just us two, I didn’t have the headspace to question.
So instead, I simply set my eyes back on him and nodded. “Oh, wejust finished our presentation with Etiolle.”
His chin nodded at me as his smile peeked. “Oh yeah? Owd’ it go?”
“It went well, actually.” I nodded at him, tucking the grown-out endsof my curtain bangs behind my ears. “What about you? When was yours?”
The shrug and the careless look that flew to his face told me all Ineeded to know. Tristan had been open about not wanting to be here, and as someone who had known what it was like for her parents to want to manhandle her future, I didn’t blame him.
Although, I didn’t know how I’d feel if his presence simply vanishedfrom this place. Almost as if the thunderstorm that you didn’t expect, didn’t anticipate, but had you pressing your face right up against the window to watch it, was switched with a clear sky.
It would be weird not to see him stroll around campus, with a lookthat resembled a storm cloud, come to think of it, or choose the seat at the very back of the class, hoping he’d somehow blend into the darkness.
But with a presence as strong as his, as intriguing, that dream wasimpossible.
The way he cleared his throat snapped me out of my thoughts.“Fine, I guess. It was early yesterday, and things went as smoothly as they could after…”
“Oh,” I mumbled, the memory of what I’d stumbled upon in thelibrary darkening my thoughts. “Good. That’s… really good.” I cleared my throat. “But hey, it’s over now. Which means we can celebrate.” I shimmied my shoulders as I said that, which pulled a laugh out of him, and a smirk that seemed to be his favourite expression.
“Which reminds me,” He chuckled, the noise bouncing off the stonewalls of the hallway like a jagged rock.
Whatever he was doing made the butterflies in my stomach flaptheir tiny wings, which always seemed to happen around him, but this time they soared higher than they ever had, reaching their peak when I noticed the yellow envelope now in his hand.
“Happy Birthday, Sunshine.”
Sunshine.
Was my heart going to melt each and every time he uttered thatnickname? Part of me hoped so, and part of me worried for my heart’s health.
And unlike when I felt giddy every time Henry looked down or me,or spoke to me with that big golden smile stretched across his face, everything felt different with Tristan. Whatever feelings were coursing through my body felt heavy. Earth-shattering. Making whatever I felt towards Henry look like it was coloured the prettiest shade of platonic.
No, this felt new.
Henry’s stare felt like basking in the sunshine. Tristan’s made mycheeks feel as though a match had been struck across them, a scorched trail of embers marking my blush for the world to gaze at.
Henry made me want to giggle every time he looked at me.But Tristan… when he set his eyes on me, all I wanted to do wasfreeze time, so I had the rest of eternity to study whatever was hiding behind his stare, all the while he could do the same with me.
He stretched out his hand with the envelope tucked betweenhis fingertips as I glided mine up and took it from his hand, as my eyes traced the way ‘Goldie’ was neatly scribbled in the centre, a doodle of a sun cornering the G.
My head bobbed up. “You didn’t have to.”
“I wanted to.”
After a few seconds, his watch caught his attention. “Listen, I’vegotta go, but I’ll see you tonight, yeah? At Marco’s?” His words crumbled together as he brushed past me, one of his hands gliding across my shoulder as he did, and like my cheeks, that part of me suddenly started to burn too.
I nodded as he got lost in the crowd that was pouring out of a nearby room, before I regained my thoughts and tucked the envelope into my bag, the colour making the inside of my bag adopt a sunny hew that powered my smile all the way home.
.