20. chapter twenty
chapter twenty
i was supposed to enjoy breaking the rules
Tristan
Today at 14:12 PM
i’ve been thinking.
sounds dangerous.
what about?
well, technically, if our relationship is fake, surely our arguments must be to.
therefore, i reckon that we should really just pretend that we’re okay.
can you feel burning against your head?
no….
then leave me alone. my telekinesis skills simply aren’t good enough yet.
okay, but before i leave you alone, i wanted to apologise.
i shouldn’t have had a go at you like that. and i'm so, so sorry gold's.
thank you. i appreciate it.
i’m sorry too. i shouldn’t have stormed off.
i think i got upset because i’ve always been told what to do, ever since i can remember. so when you told me that i shouldn’t waste my time on henry, i thought, ‘here’s another person telling me what to do with my time.’
i’m really sorry, gold’s. i mean it.
i mean it too.
now we are back to regularly scheduled fake programming, do you want to schedule another date?
are you sure? what about your plans to try and kill me with your mind?
it’s okay. it might actually help if you’re right next to me.
what have i got myself into with you?
“How do you know about this place?” I asked Tristan, as myeyes wandered around the familiar lavender and pastel-yellow decor of Flo’s.
After Tristan apologised and we got over what happened at the parkthe other day, he told me that he’d help me go through what a first date looks like. A ‘what to expect’ kind of thing. But when he waited for my 4:00pm class to finish and walked me all the way here, I questioned whether this whole thing was a good idea.
Tristan shrugged as he walked us over to a free booth. “I googled itwhen you lot were talking about it at your birthday dinner.” He looked around, taking in the lavender decor before his eyes fell back to mine. “And I’d heard it mentioned on the radio. Something about it winning the best small business award in the city.”
While I should have been jumping and screaming that this place hadwon an award, or bounding over to Flo, who just spotted us from behind the counter, all I could focus on was my two best friends, who had just left the kitchen in their matching aprons and were looking right at us.
Their eyes got all doughy the closer they got, and I feltTristan lean down to my ear and whisper. “You told them, right?”
I lifted my head and nodded, before turning to face my friends.
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t our little love birds.” Rory chirped, not anounce of sarcasm or mocking in her words. That just wasn’t Rory.
Cora, on the other hand…
“Just so you know, there’s no snogging allowed on the premises,Tristan.” She eyed me. “Well, not the kind that makes Goldie have certain audible dreams, according to Daisy—”
“Okayyyyy. Pleasure as always, Cora. Look, Tristan, it’s a table, rightin the corner. How great.” I slyly gave Cora the finger before I grabbed Tristan’s hand and dragged him to the back of the bakery.
I made another mental note to always remember to lock the dormdoor, just on the off chance that, when Daisy wants to tell me what she heard me dreaming about, Cora thinks it’s a good idea to come hurtling into the room. About nothing specific, or urgent, or pressing. Nope, she just wanted to see us, which I would have loved, had Daisy not been describing, in detail, I might add, the way I’d moaned Tristan’s name loud enough that it woke her up.
And prompted the girls in the dorm up from us to bang on the wall.
Twice.
Ignoring the remnants of the second-hand embarrassment I’d feltthat morning, I slid all the way into the booth, curling up into the only bit of darkness that existed in this place, as Tristan slid in next to me.
I wasn’t even looking at him, my head in my hands to hide the shame,and I could tell he was trying to hide his smile, which prompted me to kick his foot under the table and mumble, “Don’t say anything.”
He snickered beside me, which only made his smile even moreobvious. “Ain’t got a clue what you're talking about, Gold’s.” He knew exactly what I was talking about. “You wait here; I’ll go get some coffee.”
I peeked up at him, catching his eyes barely as he scooted back out.“Thank you.”
But then Tristan leaned back, his face cringing as he craned hisneck. “But the queue is quite long; maybe tell me what you were dreaming about and that’ll keep me occupied—”
I threw my hands up. “Okay, that’s it. Have fun fending off theentire female population of Liberty.”
I tried to shuffle out of the booth but Tristan slid back in, hislaughs the sweetest I’d heard them. “I’m joking, Gold’s. Seriously, what do you want.”
I eyed him for a second, narrowing my stare slightly, before Tristanrushed his hands to cover his face. “Oh dear, God, it burns.” He muffled from behind his hands, coaxing a laugh out of me that had him peeling them away from his face, revealing a smile that made my insides all squirmy.
And before I could get in my head about that, I looked up to himand muttered, “Surprise me.”
He winked at me before he left, casual enough that I didn’t holdonto the thought of it, and while he was gone, I spent the entire time with my head in my hands, trying my absolute hardest not to think about the dream I had.
It was only two nights ago, after the day I stormed off from him inthe park, actually. And for whatever reason, I just couldn’t get him out of my mind.
If I’m being honest, I haven’t been able to stop thinking aboutTristan in a certain way since the night of the Moody Sunday’s concert. And every moment after that has only intensified these thoughts I was having.
I might have been clueless about the whole dating thing, but Iwasn’t a total airhead when it came to sex. I suppose that was the one thing that acting had done for me that I wasn’t that mad at. But just because I’d acted like I knew what I was doing, in the most PG13 way possible, that didn’t mean I’d ever done anything.
Which was what surprised me when I woke up the other morning tohear Daisy tell me what I was saying in my sleep, and as she did, little flashbacks and weak visions of what I’d dreamt projected in my mind. That was when Cora walked in, and before I knew it, we were having a sex-dream debrief on the floor of our dorm.
For Daisy and Cora, what I was telling them was probably nothing tostress about. After all, they thought me and Tristan were more than friends. The issue was that we weren’t. We were just friends. We agreed not to fall for each other because we didn’t make sense. Our relationship wasn’t real.
So what the fuck did it mean that if I was dreaming about Tristanand I having sex—
“Surprise.” Tristan’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts and ontohim, standing at the end of the booth with a plate and two coffees in his hand. “The British girl at the counter said that this was your favourite combo.”
I looked up at him, taking in every detail of his face. His jaw thatwas sharp enough to slice the world in two, his hair that cascaded over his forehead and swept to the side, and the tattoos that I could see creeping out the neckline of his grey sweater.
Hmm, he looks kind of similar to how he did when he asked me how farI wanted to—
“Gold’s?”
“Hmm?” I mumble, bringing my eyes back into focus, in time for himto gesture to the plate of whatever he’d brought back and the coffee nestled between his fingers. “Oh, thank you.” I rushed, scooting over so he could slide back in and claim his spot back.
“So,” he said as he settled, waves of whatever manly aftershave hewas wearing rolling over me before he slid the plate with a custard tart in the centre over to me. “Did I do alright, choosing this place?”
I nodded, clearing my head from what was trying to exist up there.“It’s perfect. Flo’s is one of the only places in the city where I feel at home when I’m so far away from mine.” I chuckled. “Plus, if this was a real date then Flo, or Cora or Rory aren’t too far away to save me if I mess up and embarrass myself.”
He shook his head. “You won’t need saving,” Tristan slips the strawof his coffee between his lips, taking a sip before he suddenly stretches his arm over the booth behind my head, my cheeks reddening as I look over to him. He tilts his head. “For the act, Gold’s.”
The act. Right.
I tried to calm my breaths, knowing all too well that just because he had his arm around me, skimming shoulders, he couldn't tell how quicks my breaths were, but if I didn't slow them, I'd only work myself up more.
I took a long, deep breath before I shuffled to him, ignoring how close that left our faces. "So, Liberty." I croaked, looking everywhere but his eyes that I knew were on me. "How are you finding it now the first few weeks are over?"
He shrugged, carelessly, as he picked at the crust on the custard tart. "Fine, I suppose."
Which loosely translated to "I don't know, and I don't care."
“Okay…" My laugh rippled through those four letters. "How are you really finding it?” I asked, nudging his ribs lightly with my shoulder, trying to keep my voice casual.
He didn’t answer right away. His fingers fiddled with the zipper on the leather jacket he'd taken off, and then he let out a soft laugh. “You mean how am I doing at the place I didn’t even want to be?” His voice was low, almost like it hurt to say the words out loud.
“Yeah,” I whispered, leaning in, “that.”
He stared ahead for a moment, his eyes roaming the bakery. “Even if it had been my choice… I don’t think I’d feel any different.” He shrugged, his head rolling back before falling to face me, his eyes knowing. “I don’t belong here, Goldie." His voice was calm, like a wave that finally settling after a storm. "I don't belong in class, at this college... or anywhere, really. It’s like I’m just floating through it, waiting to prove to everyone else what I already know.”
I frowned, leaning in a little closer. “And what’s that?”
“That I’m not good enough.” His jaw clenched. “I sit in class and everyone else just… gets it. And I’m sitting there thinking, ‘What the hell am I doing here?’” He shook his head, quiet frustration lacing his words. “The only time I don’t feel like I’m faking who I am, like I’m actually worth something, is when I’m playing. With my music, it’s... different. It’s the only thing I have where I feel like I’m doing something right. Like I’m enough.”
My chest tightened, and for a moment, I couldn’t find the words. I wanted to reach out, to make him understand what I saw when I looked at him, but I wasn’t sure he’d believe me.
“I don’t think you realise how much you have to give,” I said softly, brushing a piece of hair behind my ear, hoping he’d listen. “You’re not… I mean, I’ve only known you for a short time, but I can already see it. You have this… potential, Tristan. Something big, something good. And I get it—why you want to lose yourself in music, because… you’re amazing at it. But it’s not all you are.”
His eyes darkened, like my words weren’t sinking in the way I wanted them to. “But it’s all I’ve got, Goldie.”
I swallowed hard, feeling the ache in his voice. “That’s not true. You have us." I dipped my head to meet his stare. "I just don't think you see what I see. You don't see how much I smile when I listen to your songs.”
His lips twitched, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. He leaned back, looking at me with a soft smirk that barely hid the sadness beneath it. “So… what, you’re a fan now?”
I rolled my eyes, though my smile mirrored his. “Well, my boyfriend’s a rockstar. It’s my job to be his biggest fan, right?”
The second those words left my lips, I knew I’d crossed some kind of line. His gaze softened, like the weight of what I’d just said hit him straight in the chest. For a moment, his teasing fell away, and he looked at me with an intensity that made my heart stumble in my chest. His eyes searched mine, and for just a second, it felt like the world around us disappeared.
I couldn’t breathe.
That look… I had to remind myself it wasn’t real. I had to strip it all down to what this actually was: an arrangement, nothing more. Without the lingering glances, without the accidental brush of our hands, without the unspoken moments between us, it was just two people getting what they needed. He was getting his privacy, and I was getting my guidance. We were using each other. Plain and simple.
But for some reason, that thought didn’t settle as easily as it should have. Especially after what he'd just told me.
I took a breath, my fingers reaching for the custard tart andpicking off the flakes of pastry. “You know you didn’t have to do this.”
I felt his brows draw in. “What?”
I leaned back, my eyes diving into his as I tore off a part of thetart and placed it in my mouth. “Helping me with the whole dating thing.”
“Why do you say that?” he asked, shuffling his chest to face mebetter.
I shrugged, my cardigan bunching on the leather booth. “You're not even supposed to be here, and somehow I've sucked you in to do this with me and… now I feel bad that I've put this extra pressure on you—"
"I wouldn't have said yes if I hadn't have wanted to help you. You know that right?" He asked, his eyes searching mine.
I barely nodded, wondering if I'd ever felt this helpless before. "But it's not just that." I shook my head. "I guess it waswhat you told me the other day, about Henry, and I’ve trying to come up with a reason why you’d even lie about a thing like that, and I haven’t come up with anything.”
“That’s because I didn’t lie.”
A wave of embarrassment washed over me as I thought back to thatday, cringing at how naive I’d sounded. It was like a slap in the face, realising I was slipping back into the very thing I’d sworn never to become again. I used to believe my parents had my best interests at heart, that they wanted to protect me. I’d trusted them completely. Look where that got me.
And now here I was, falling back into that same version ofmyself—the one I’d left behind in California.
“Look,” His low voice stole back my attention. “It’s not my place totell what to do, and it never will be, but I figured, when the bloke you like told me all he was going to do with you was toss you to the side the second he got bored, I’d try and save you from your first heartbreak.” His head angled, as his cupid’s bow popped. “And I swore that I’d keep your firsts safe.”
Maybe that’s why I was dreaming about this man in a certain way,because he says things like that, in his deep, heavy voice, which he must know will only drive a girl to obsession one of these days.
“Which is why we don’t have to do this.” I angled my chin up to him,trying not to crack under the weight of his stare. “Maybe I’m not as ready as I thought I was.”
His palms lifted from the table. “Goldie, just say the word, and wecan stop this. If you want out, you know that’s fine.”
I didn't want out, but I was scared of what would happen to us, to me, if I stayed locked in.
I cast my eyes to the ornate ceiling, tracing the pretty coving as Ithought about his words, before I let my eyes roll back to him. “But what about my end of the deal?”
Something flashed across his eyes as he moved them, but for thelife of me, I didn’t know what to call it. It looked like grief, but it shined the way that sadness did and had the glisten of defeat. As though whatever was about to fall out of his mouth was something he didn’t want to say.
His cinnamon eyes darted to me, holding my stare for a breathbefore casting them back to the coffee he was swirling around the glass. “I’m not supposed to say this, but if what’s happening with my music is true, then I won’t be here for long anyway.”
My smile paused, as the beats of my heart doubled. “What do youmean—”
“An album.” He rushed, placing his gaze back on me. “The recordcompany I’m with wants me to make an album.”
The crumbs that lingered in my mouth caught in the back of mythroat. “Are you serious,” I sat up to face him. "And you don't think you're good enough? What do your parents think?"
He shrugged, something flitting across his eyes that faded so fast I didn't know what to call it. "They were surprised. I don't think they expected this so soon after my being here."
I didn't know what else to do but shake my head, an unconscious smile blooming on my face.
I wonder if he knew how proud of him I was?
I held my smile as I turned to him. “Holy shit, Tristan that’s… Wait, why don’t you look happy?”
That look flashed across his eyes again. “No, I am.”
“What is it?”
His eyes softened, and his fingers pulling at the cuffs of hissweater. “Let’s just say there are things at Liberty that I’ll miss when my time here is up, and I get on with my life.”
I couldn’t help but let my brows pull. “But I thought getting out ofhere was what you wanted?”
“It is, eventually. But…” He caught my eyes, widening his like he’dsaid something he shouldn’t. “You know what, forget I said anything.” His laugh was nervous, something I didn’t think a guy like Tristan had in him.
So I put my hand on his, stopping him from trying to shuffle. “Hey,”That earned me back his stare, which was just as shaky as his hand was. And as my mouth popped open, a light bulb shone in the corner of my mind. “What are you dreaming about?”
This time I saw that familiar sparkle in his eye, the one that shoneabove the onyx clouds that hung over them, and as I watched the corners of his mouth twinge up, I knew I had him.
“I’m dreaming about how hard it is to really admit that being here,and being around you guys, isn’t what I want. What I’ve become comfortable with.” His head leant back against the booth. “I didn’t have many friends growing up, if I had any at all, to be honest. And now… now I have you guys, and that…”
My head tilted, trying to catch those dark orbs. “It what?”
Finally, I felt the weight of his stare again, before a light nod rolledthrough him. “It terrifies me.”
I felt the puppet strings attached to my heart begin to pull, makingthe beats feel twice as painful as they had a second ago.
He’d never had this before, friends, a chosen family, and knowingthat that scared him…
“Tristan,” I sighed, reaching for his hand again and ignoring all thewarning signs before lacing my fingers through his.
And almost gasping once I felt how quick his pulse was.
But I shook my head. “If it helps, apart from my sister, I’ve neverhad something like this either.” His smile pulled tight. “I hadn’t had the pleasure of existing around people who wanted to know me , and not the girl on the screen. But I’m getting used to it, and I think the fact that the people we’ve wound up with are genuinely good people,” I sent a squeeze through his hand, not thinking about what that meant to him, or me, but knowing that when his eyes went soft at the feel of it, I was in two minds to do it again. I smiled. “We’ve got nothing to worry about.”
Tristan didn’t stop searching my eyes as I stopped talking, for what,I wasn’t sure, but there was something about it, the way I could feel him wandering the earthy tones that lived in them, that I enjoyed.
I was about to do the same with him, swan dive into the dusky nightshades that lured me in without any real effort, before I caught myself, and dropped my eyes to my lap. That was when I remembered that his hand was still in mine, so, slowly, I slipped out of his hold and went for my coffee, if only to distract me from the buzzing in my hands that was urging me to lace our fingers again.
I drank up the last of my latte, savouring the honey that hadn’tbeen mixed in properly, the way I liked it, before I found it in me to peek at him again.
His eyes were on me, I knew they were. I always knew, thanks tothe trail of wildfires his stare left behind as he traced my features.
So I smiled, as though my heart wasn’t raging. “Was there anythingelse on your mind? That you… wanted to talk about?”
He contemplated my question for a second, before his softly shookhis head. “No, no, I think that was everything.” His smile was as sweet as the honey I could still taste on my lips, but it disappeared behind his hands before I could really take it in. “Sorry, we came here to help you and all I've done is complain.” His laugh sent flutters through my stomach. "I've been no bloody help at all."
“That’s not true, you’ve helped me know exactly what not to do on adate.”
His hands dropped back onto the table as his eyes found mine. “Which is?”
My hand fell on the plate that used to house my custard tart. “To not get just one pastry for the table because you seem to have eaten it all.”
His laugh was so genuine, in a way that made my smile ache. Icouldn’t hold in the laugh that danced on the tip of my tongue, especially once I counted the crumbs that lay in the crease of his mouth, before he spotted me and swiped at them.
“Thank you.” He muttered, his voice the softest I’d ever heard it.
“For?”
“Making me laugh. I think I needed it.”
For a moment, I tried to focus on anything but the urge to keepthat smile on his face forever. Instead, I flashed a smile and said, “No, thank you. This was actually just a ploy to see how your brain worked. You know, psychology major and all, I just couldn’t help myself.”
Both of us laughed at my poor excuse to make things appear casual between us, like we hadn’t just crossed some invisible line, exposed something deeper.
But as his laugh faded, he shook his head. “I think that's one of the things I’ll miss, you know.”
As my laughs simmered, I asked, “What? My annoying habit to try and figure everyone out because that’s all I ever want to do?”
“No,” he whispered. “Just you.”
I didn’t know what everyone in those songs meant when they saidtheir heart skipped a beat, but I think I just found out what they were talking about.
I threw a smile on my face. “Well, you’re still stuck with me untilthat day.” I looked at him. “That is if you still want to do this.”
“Yeah,” He nodded. “I want to help you, Gold’s.”
“Good, because I have a feeling I’ll miss you when you leave so anytime with you will be nice.” My eyes clamped shut. “And the other guys too; we all will.”
I knew I didn’t want Tristan to leave, but I also knew what I’dagreed to when we even made this deal in the first place.
No falling.
But I didn’t know what the plan was if I was already falling andcouldn’t find a way to catch myself. What was the rule for that?
But even as he stood, even as he walked beside me like nothing had shifted, I couldn’t ignore the fact that something had. And the worst part? It was me.