33. chapter thirty three
chapter thirty three
break my heart and pass me the yams
D espite the war that was unfolding in my head, I hadn’t stopped smiling since we all sat down for dinner.
My parents had truly outdone themselves with the food, the tablesetting, and the way we felt like a normal family for the first time in so long. Everything about it was just what I’d been waiting for.
The dining room was flooded with warm light, keeping us toastyfrom the snow that had started to fall heavier outside, but in truth, it only added to how magical everything was starting to feel. Even Tristan was smiling, and when I occasionally shifted my eyes to watch him from beside me, most of the time he was already looking at me, with the same smile mirrored on his lips.
The butterflies soared in my stomach when he winked at me, andfor the life of me, I wasn’t sure what to do about it.
He pulled his hand away from you.
Things went too far back in New York.
You’re in over your silly little head—
“Mom,” Addy blurted, drawing me away from the voices in my head.“You’re gonna have to send me that yam recipe, because that… I don’t even have any words for that.” Addy practically moaned with a mouthful of the yams in question, smears of marshmallow across her mouth.
My mom put her fork down and raised her hands in the air. “I’m not takingcredit for that, it was all your father.” Every head at the table swished to my Dad, apart from Tristan, who was still devouring his plate, until he caught on to where we were all looking.
I barely giggled at him before my dad piped up. “What? I’ve alwaysliked cooking.”
“Since when?” Me and Addy said at the same time.
Dad let a laugh slip past his lips before bringing his wine glass to hismouth. “Since forever, I just…” His eyes wandered to me and Addy, ping-ponging between us. “I just forgot what was really important for a while.” A painful smile shone on his face, his eyes dipping into the bottom of his glass, like he was still too ashamed to stare at us for longer than a second.
I wished he wasn’t. I know what he did, how he pushed us into aworld we weren’t ready to live in, was wrong, and Addy and I both know that he knows that. So what was the point in reminding him? What was the point of refusing to repair the relationship?
There wasn’t one. It was simple.
Which was why I gave Addy a nod, and why she smiled back andcleared her throat, shuffling in her chair before she announced, “I wanna say what I’m thankful for now.”
Mom shimmied herself before raising her glass. “Take it away, littlebird.”
Addy let a giggle slip past her lips before she smiled. “I’m thankfulfor my family, for the fact that I’m in a job that I truly love now.” She turned her head to Nate, her fiery eyes simmering as she took him in and laid a hand over his. “I’m beyond thankful for you, that you're back in my life and I get to wake up next to you every morning.” Nate tilted his head before picking up my sister's hand and kissing the back of it.
My heart bloomed at the sight of it.
Then Addy shifted her head and looked directly at me. “And I’m grateful thatmy little sister is only a few minutes away now, and that she’s taking on the world in her own way.”
I had to suck my bottom lip between my teeth to stop it fromquivering.
Addy shook her head, looking to him. “Nate?”
Nate sat up straighter, clearing his throat. “I’m thankful for you,Addy, for giving me a second chance and being the most wonderful person anyone could ever wish for.” Mom was awed at that. “I’m thankful that I’m needing therapy less and less these days, and that life is feeling a whole lot calmer.”
“That’s lovely, Nate, we’re happy for you.” Mom gushed, beforelooking over at me. “Goldie, do you want to go next?”
I smiled back at her. “I’d love to.” I brought my back away from thechair and leaned forward, scanning the table before catching eyes with Tristan again, and doing my best to ignore the wild flutters in my stomach. “I… um… I’m thankful for school, that I’m keeping up my grades and have found the most amazing group of friends to spend my time with.” His name was on the tip of my tongue, and although everyone was probably expecting it, I don’t know why I wanted to keep what I wanted to say to myself.
I’m thankful for the boy sitting right next to me, that he came intomy life when I didn’t even know I needed him and taught me what it was to feel loved and seen and heard for the first time in my life. I’m thankful that I’ve had him for time I had, and that if this was all we were meant to be I’ll always be forever thankful for him and his heart.
“Goldie?” My mom's voice cut through my thoughts, pulling me back to the moment.
I shook my head to clear the fog. “Sorry, what was I saying? Oh! Yeah, I’m thankful for—”
Then I felt it—his hand, warm and steady, slipping beneath the table to hold mine like a secret promise.
So why had he pulled away before?
I lifted my eyes to him, and the second I saw him he sent another squeeze through my hand. I couldn’t tell what it meant, but it felt like he was wading through my inner monologue and telling me it was okay if I didn’t want to say it out loud.
But instead, I sent a squeeze back, before I opened my mouth and blurted. “I’ve never been more thankful for anything but you.”
The only sound that made its way through the room was the howlingwinds from outside, singing between us and filling the air. I dropped Tristan’s gaze for a second, taking a peek at the rest of the table. Addy and Nate were smiling at us, just like I thought they’d be. My parents looked at each other for a moment, talking with their eyes before two identical smiles bloomed on their mouths.
I took a moment to smile back at them, before I felt a hand grazemy face, tuck a rogue curl back behind my ear, and in a flash, my eyes were back up to Tristan.
“Right back at you, Sunshine.” He whispered, and I was convinced inthat moment that there was never, ever anything fake about our feelings. I liked him, and I was sure he liked me. And before the memory of him pulling his hand away from me, before I could remember the question in his smile, he shuffled back around to face the table.
“I’ll take that as my cue to jump in.” The table giggled. “I’ve neveractually done one of these before, but I think it would be wrong not to start it by saying how thankful I am that you’ve let me be here today.” He nodded at my dad, and then my mom. “Thank you very much.”
“You’re welcome anytime, Tristan.” My mom smiled before tippingher glass to him.
Tristan cleared his throat, his gaze shifting to me, and I felt a rushof warmth flood my cheeks. “I’m thankful for this one,” he said, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth, “for making my time at Liberty Grove more bearable, and for not laughing at me when I ask her the answers to questions I really should know in class.”
I dipped my head, smiling into my lap while Tristan continued. “I’m thankful for my opportunities with my music, and the people who love my songs. I’m thankful for the album and how much support is going into it.”
“I must say,” my dad chimed in, “Betty and I listened to some of your stuff after Goldie told us you were coming, and we absolutely loved it.” He shook his head with a grin, clearly impressed.
“Well, thank you. I’m glad you dig it, as you’d say here,” Tristan replied, a playful smirk tugging at his lips.
“Oh, we do,” my mom giggled. “And this album... Gosh, I bet you can’t wait for people to hear it.”
“Yes, ma’am.” He shuffled in his seat, and I noticed his smile fade slightly, a flicker of something deeper passing behind his eyes. “In fact, I’ll be heading back to London after this week to start recording.”
The words hung in the air, and my heart sank as the weight of his admission settled in. Each syllable felt like a reminder of the ticking clock, a countdown to an ending I wasn't ready to face.
Heading back.
To London.
After this week.
My chest rose and fell at such a pace that I was sure everyone hadpicked up on it, but when I glanced around the table, everyone’s eyes were glued to Tristan and his lack of a smile.
I dared a look at him, only his eyes on the hands that werestill locked under the table.
He couldn’t look at me.
Why couldn’t he look at me?
As my heart was pounding on the walls of my chest, I had to ask,almost breathlessly. “Really? That soon?”
His face stayed down, barely acknowledging me as the one wordthat had the power to make my heart cave in and suffocate in the wreckage left his mouth.
“Yes.”