18. ridedie
[ 18 ]
RIDE OR DIE
LENNON
“SOMEBODY” BY DAUGHTRY
“ B axter’s headlining,” I blurt as soon as Isa approaches our usual table at Insomnia, the hottest brunch-slash-late-night-lounge spot on this side of the city. Lowering my voice to a whisper so only she can hear me, I add, “Oh, and we fucked. Again .”
I intentionally leave out the part about being friends with benefits—I wasn’t thinking clearly when I agreed to that, and now I’m questioning my decision.
“Damn, babe.” Isa lets out a laugh as she takes her seat across from me. “Let a girl get comfortable before spilling all the tea, would you?”
I sigh, letting my head fall against my arms on the table. I’m sure the people around us are watching me, but I really couldn’t care less right now.
“I don’t know what to do, Is. I can’t get him out of my head. This is bad .”
She takes a sip of the mimosa I ordered for her, raising her brows as if to say bullshit . “Is it, Lenny? If anything, I’d think it’d be good. You finally found someone to headline, though you could’ve saved yourself a lot of time and stress if you’d just asked him when I’d suggested him.” She smirks into her drink. “And you also said he was the best sex of your life, so what’s so bad about it?”
“I still stand by that. The man’s dick is like a fucking magic wand,” I groan, choosing to ignore her comment about asking him first, because she’s right—I should’ve.
Some older women at a table down from ours seem to overhear me, as suggested by the gasp that comes from one of them and the glare the other shoots my way. Isa huffs a laugh, and I turn my body toward the window, shielding my face from their view. It’s not that I’m embarrassed to talk about my sex life, but I definitely don’t need judgement from two old biddies who probably haven’t had a good lay since their wedding night.
Rolling my eyes, I continue. “It’s bad because he’s dangerous, Is. He’s so charming, it would be easy to fall for him. Something I’m sure many have done before me, which should say enough. He’s not the relationship type, and getting attached to someone is the last thing I need right now.” I pull my bottom lip between my teeth. “I can’t lose anyone else,” comes out as a whisper.
She smiles at me sadly. “You also can’t close your heart forever, Lenny. At some point, you need to let some of your walls down and begin living again.” I open my mouth to argue, but she continues before I can. “I know it’s only been five months since your parents died and even less since you and Nate broke up. But you checked out of your relationship with Nathan long before you guys called it quits, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that your parents wouldn’t want you to spend the rest of your life closed off just because you’re afraid of losing anyone else the way you lost them.”
She’s right. I know she is, because Isa Cordova is always fucking right. But as she speaks, I come to realize that, of everyone in my life, the only person who has managed to get past my incredibly high walls in these past few months has been Baxter.
Which only makes this whole mess that much scarier.
What the hell have I gotten myself into?
“I’m not saying it has to happen at this moment or with this man, but so what if it did? Baxter may not be the relationship type, but he also isn’t known to fuck the same girl twice, so there’s obviously something special he sees in you. Which I already knew, of course, but I’m glad he sees that as well. I just wish you could see it, too, Lenny.”
A tear falls from my eye, and I quickly move to swipe it away, shooting Isa a sad smile. She really is the best best friend ever.
I reach across the table, grasping her hand in mine. “Thank you, Is. I love you.” I chug the remainder of my mimosa, needing the liquid courage if I’m going to fill her in on the rest. “He, um, did also kind of ask me to be friends with benefits with him.”
Her eyes widen to saucers as her jaw falls open. “And why didn’t you open with that ?”
I shrug. “Because I’m having second thoughts.”
“Well, don’t,” Isa orders. “This is the perfect opportunity to get to know him, Lenny. People change, and headlines lie. He might not be the person we’ve all been made to believe he is.” She levels me with a look. “Besides, you can’t exactly be friends with benefits without the friends part.”
“I was kind of planning on focusing more on the benefits part.” I sigh. “I don’t fully trust him, Is. He’s not the relationship type, and we both know I am. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep my feelings out of it.”
“I still think you should try. Set some ground rules. Make sure you’re both on the same page before it goes any further. I know you’re not ready to let anyone in, and that’s okay. But that shouldn’t stop you from having some mind-blowing, no-strings-attached sex in the meantime. Besides, just because he’s never had a serious relationship doesn’t mean he doesn’t want one. I bet he would if he knew what he was missing. Maybe his whole playboy persona is just an act,” she remarks with a shrug.
I don’t tell her that he did share some things about his mom with me, because that’s not my story to tell. Though after what he told me, I do understand why he keeps everyone at an arm’s length. I’ve been doing the same.
I shake my head. “Maybe. But what if it’s not? I don’t want to risk opening myself up to him just for none of it to be real.”
“But what if it is ? I know you’re scared, but you can’t live your life avoiding every chance at a real connection just because of that fear. And sure, you can try to keep it purely physical, but something tells me he already knows more about how you’ve been grieving than Dylan and Paige do. Maybe he’ll surprise you, and maybe you’ll surprise yourself.”
I exhale deeply. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re kind of wise?”
“Pfft,” she scoffs. “I don’t need others to tell me what I already know. But thank you. Now”—she crosses one leg over the other, finishing her mimosa—“tell me more about the sex part. Was it better than the first time?”
I nod, a chuckle falling from my lips, and spill the dirty details. I tell her about how I was working late and he showed up unexpectedly, his little comment about how he would do anything for me—at which point she gives me an I told you so look that I choose to ignore. I talk about the kiss that caught me totally off guard and how he made me feel more wanted than anyone ever has in my entire life.
As our food is brought out, I realize just how much I’ve already attached myself to Baxter after only a few interactions. He’s gotten under my skin, and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to get him out.
I think back to the look on his face when he asked me if I wanted it to happen again—the one of absolute desperation and need that broke through the mask he puts on, pleading with me to answer the question his lips refused to say .
Begging me to tell him I want him as much as he wants me.
Maybe he’ll surprise me.
I think maybe he already has.