Chapter 15 Lainey
FIFTEEN
LAINEY
My phone remains off. I’m not looking forward to turning it back on.
Ignoring the world, I curl up with Hammy behind the bar in the large cupboard Dad sacrificed storage space for in order to give the dog a comfy bed and a place to chill out. It’s a slow night, thankfully. Not many people are around to witness my bitter tears over Alex.
What we have is fake. It was his idea out of some bullshit sense of pity to protect me. He’s not mine and after tonight, our deal is off. He’ll go back to ignoring my existence. Back to being a player.
I was wrong.
No, I was right.
Hockey players are all the same.
I never should have forgotten it because I hate facing the truth over and over. They’re unreliable and all they do is mess up my life and let me down or leave me behind.
Hammy’s tail thumps and he presses his full body against me, wiggling to get closer as if he weighs twenty pounds instead of eighty.
I hide a sniffle into his neck. With the help of the dog demanding all the attention I’m willing to give, the tightness in my chest loosens enough for me to breathe easier.
The world doesn’t exist to me for a while. I’m perfectly content for it to continue like that, until someone interrupts my pity party.
“What’s wrong?” Dad braces an arm on the counter, bending down to peer at me and the dog.
“Nothing,” I mumble.
“Come on. I know you like to crawl in there with Hammy when something upsets you. What happened?”
When I take too long to answer, he sighs and gives me space, ambling around behind the bar. He cleans glassware and serves the few patrons perched on stools.
Huffing, I stroke Hammy’s soft coat. “Like you care.”
“What’s that, sweetie?”
A lump forms in my throat. I climb out of the hiding spot and glare at the photos on the wall. My embarrassment and pain rise to the surface once more.
“Dad.”
He freezes at the rawness in my tone. I wave a hand at the walls when I have his undivided attention for once. This has been a long time coming. I’m done holding it in and accepting something that’s always bothered me.
“We both know that you only care about one of your kids. It’s clear to see on the walls.”
His bewildered expression only makes this hurt more. I don’t care that the customers nearest to the bar get front row seats while I open up old wounds that never truly healed. He reaches for me but I stumble backwards.
“You only put Theo’s photos up,” I say tightly. “His games. Winning trophies. When he got recruited to Heston, you were so happy. But I got my early acceptance first. I work so hard hoping someone will see me, but I’m invisible, even to my own family.”
The end of my sentence comes out garbled as I choke the words out through a sob. Hammy whines at my side, pressing his weight into me to ease my distress.
“Theo and hockey are the only things you care about,” I push out. “You didn’t even care about mom’s affair right in front of you. Or that she left us. How can you act like nothing’s wrong with that when you go to Theo’s games with her and her new husband?”
All of this has been bottled up inside me for so long that it’s agonizing to spill out at last.
Dad’s preference for Theo, Mom flaunting her cheating and remarriage, Theo being the star athlete everyone knows on campus—all of those are reasons why I couldn’t bear to go to hockey games anymore and wanted to stay far away from everything that hurt me.
No one asked me why I stopped, or cared about what interests me.
The fresh anguish of hoping for more with Alex after he was the only person to ever look at me and see me for who I am collides with the old, scabbed over wound of my family history. I don’t want to be the girl stuck in my brother’s shadow anymore.
Dad gives me a stricken look. “Lainey.” He drops the bar rag and strides over to me, crushing me in a hug. “No. No, you’re not, sweetie. I’m so proud of you. I always have been.”
My throat stings. “Then why do you only put Theo in here?”
“You’re such a shy girl, I never thought you wanted the attention,” he says hoarsely. “You hated it when we’d go out to dinner for your birthday and had them sing when they brought the cake. I’m so sorry. I love you, sweetie. Of course I love you.”
Fresh tears spill down my cheeks because I’ve never been able to hold it together when my dad gets choked up. He rubs my arms, his expression contorted with guilt.
The fierce hug is exactly what I needed. It’s full of his love, chasing away my doubts and the resentments that have pricked my heart for years.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“You’re sorry? What—why are you apologizing? You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s me, I’m the one who needs to be sorry for ever making my baby girl think you’re not important to me.”
“I don’t know. I just am. For not telling you how I felt?”
His laugh is thick and wet, clogging in his throat. “Okay. What would make it feel better? Do you want me to hang your dean’s list letters? I keep them all, you know.”
“No, it’s okay,” I whisper.
Despite not wanting to be the invisible girl anymore, the family drama show we’re putting on for the rest of the bar has reached the small limit of attention I can handle. I do my best to ignore the uncomfortable sensation of being watched.
“We can talk about it later.”
“I promise to do better,” he says gruffly. “And you should talk to your mom about this, too. When you’re ready.”
I nod and he kisses the top of my head. With one last one-armed bear hug, he shuffles down the bar and ducks into his office.
Sniffling, I swipe my tear-stained cheeks. An older patron seated at the bar passes the pile of cocktail napkins to me. I mutter a thanks, bowing my head.
Dad comes back out with a picture frame and a hammer.
“Dad?” My eyes widen when he yanks down a banner with a list of Heston U hockey players that went on to play in the NHL with their signatures on it. “What are you doing?”
“Place of honor,” he explains. “I’m proud as hell of everything you do. Haven’t stopped being proud of you since the day you were born. You’re way smarter than me or your brother. Anyone who doesn’t see every amazing thing about you is a fucking idiot in my book.”
When he steps back from hammering the new frame on the wall, I roll my lips between my teeth.
It’s not my early acceptance letter or any of my official achievements.
It’s a photo of us at the Heston Lake Ice Rink.
I remember how excited I was when he got me and Theo our first pair of ice skates.
In the photo, Dad holds my hand and beams at the camera while I concentrate.
A warm glow expands in my chest. It’s a balm for the parts of me that shouldered the hurt for years.
“Thanks, Dad. I’ve got to go.” I kiss his cheek. “Tomorrow is a big day.”
He nods, scrubbing a hand over his face to regain his composure. “The catering delivery will be ready to go for the end of the night snack bar.”
I bite my lip. Booking The Landmark for an order of wings and fries was a last minute addition suggested by Alex.
“Thank you. Oh, and Dad?”
“Yes?”
I give him a shaky smile. “I love you, too.”
Leaving the bar, a weight rises off my shoulders. Tonight sucked, but a positive came out of it. Finding the conviction to confront my dad never would’ve happened if Alex didn’t come along and interrupt my world two weeks ago.
From now on, I’m done being invisible. And the next time I see Mike River, I’m telling him to his face what a dick he is.