Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
I wake up the next morning in Zack’s arms, my head on his chest and my hair spilling over his shoulders. I glance up and see that he is still asleep. He looks peaceful, slumbering deeply, and it makes me smile.
We had, as per the plan, eaten some dinner – a very simple prawn and garlic linguine as I was working with a limited range of ingredients – and he had told me everything. Apparently his dad had suffered from ‘kidney problems’, but nobody had ever discussed what it was in detail – which is pretty par for the course for men of his dad’s generation, who would go to work in a coal mine with one arm missing and call it ‘just a scratch’.
After that, we’d drawn a line under it, but I could see how much of a relief it was to get it off his chest. I suspect bottling everything up had made him feel so much worse. Perhaps because of that relief, sitting together and watching yet another silly-but-uplifting movie seemed to put him in an exceptionally good mood.
When it reached bedtime, he had offered me the spare room like a gentleman, and I had refused it like a complete hussy. I’m fed up with messing around – we’ve both said how we feel, so why should we pretend any longer? It hadn’t been the sexiest of evenings, discussing things like blood tests and biopsies, but I for one need that physical closeness, and I suspect he does too.
Even though we slept in the same bed, we didn’t actually do the deed. He was still physically worn out, and I was a little more anxious than I was allowing him to see. We cuddled, and enjoyed some rather delicious slow kisses, and basically confirmed what I’ve always suspected – that I absolutely fancy the arse off this man. He clearly feels the same, and our chemistry is off the scale. There will be plenty of time for us to explore that aspect of things, but right now everything feels fragile and delicate. Including me. Waking up in bed with a man isn’t something I expected to do ever again.
I manage to slip out of his embrace without disturbing him, and gaze down at his sleeping form. His hair is splayed on the pillow, and the golden skin of his chest is stark against the white sheets. He is absolutely gorgeous, and part of me wants to jump straight back into bed and wake him up in the most saucy way imaginable.
But that wouldn’t be right for all kinds of reasons, and instead I grab my things and go to get dressed. I hadn’t brought an overnight bag with me, and slept in one of Zack’s T-shirts. I keep it on, with the addition of a bra, because I am not of the age or physique where it’s advisable to go without one unless I want to do myself an injury.
I like wearing his T-shirt, though. It smells of him, and makes me feel like I’m still in his arms. I realise that I am smiling as I make my way downstairs and get coffee on the go. He has a fancy pod machine and I treat myself to something sinfully chocolatey, sipping it while I root in the cupboards for food. All I find is some disgustingly healthy granola, its cardboard box screaming that it’s sugar free. I might as well eat the box, I decide, putting it away.
Bear is now awake and following me around the kitchen. I have no idea what his usual routine is, but I let him outside into the garden, and find some tins of food for him in the utility room. I give him a tin and a handful of mixer, and he wolfs it down in about twenty seconds. He stares up at me pleadingly, begging for more, but I am not fooled – I know he’s on a diet.
“Sorry, boy,” I say, patting his head. “I know how you feel. Shall we go out for walkies?”
Zack hadn’t felt up to it the night before, so Bear looks insanely excited when I find his lead and hook him up. I get the house keys out of the little bowl on the table, and we are off out into the outside world. It’s almost nine in the morning, which is very late for me, and I am childishly excited by what I see of morning life in the pretty London suburb. There are people everywhere, rows of shops and cafés, boutiques, galleries and restaurants. I know it’s just a suburb, but compared to Starshine Cove it is a bustling metropolis.
Bear is obviously used to the route, and takes it all in his stride. A few people stop to stroke him and know him by name, giving me curious looks as they do. Even though it is London, there does seem to be a sense of community here that is warming. I grab some amazing-smelling pastries from a cute little bakery, and let Bear take me towards a big green space.
I let him off the lead for a gambol around, then find a wooden bench to sit on while I nibble on an apricot crown. He immediately zooms back to me and goes on alert at my feet, just in case I drop a crumb.
I gaze around, taking in the pretty surroundings, having no clue where I am. Maybe, I realise, I’m on Wimbledon Common – the place where the Wombles used to hang out in the old children’s TV show. Seeing Great Uncle Bulgaria would be exciting.
I look behind me at the bushes, but see no signs of a Womble. I know I’m just letting my mind have a few silly moments before it gets down to business. I have a lot to think about. I have decisions to make. I have consequences to balance. I have so many thoughts running around in my mind that I can’t quite grab hold of any of them. It’s like herding cats on acid.
I take some deep breaths, and get out my phone. I need to talk to someone who knows more about this stuff. And someone who knows me.
I catch Ella at home at the inn, which has pretty much the best phone reception of any building in the village. This is one of her mornings off, though the sound of a wailing baby in the background when she answers implies it’s possibly not that restful a morning off at all.
“Everything okay?” I ask straight away.
“Yes. No. Bah. Hold on a second…”
I hear the phone laid down, and some mooching movements in the background. After a few moments, she picks it up again and says: “Feeding time at the zoo. Bloody hell, this teething business isn’t for the faint-hearted, is it… it’s been very humbling, being an actual mother. All these years I’ve seen women for pregnancy problems, and helped with nappy rash and childhood ailments, and now I finally realise why they all seemed so strung out! Anyway. We are guaranteed a few minutes’ peace and quiet now. How did it go? Where are you?”
“I think I’m on Wimbledon Common, but don’t hold me to it.”
“Oh. You spent the night, did you? I assume it went well then, you dirty stop-out!”
“Umm. Kind of. Ella, what do you know about chronic kidney disease?”
“Quite a lot. Why? Are you all right? What are your symptoms?”
I hear the change in her voice immediately, the switch from pal to professional.
“I don’t have any – it’s not me, it’s Zack. He’s sick, and that’s why he left. He said he didn’t want to burden me. He said he might decline, and he said he’s not sure how long he’s going to be around for.”
My voice cracks slightly as I say this, and I think it is really hitting me for the first time. Yesterday, I kept it all tucked away inside me for his sake – it was very much all about him, because that’s what he needed. Now, I am feeling the emotions sweeping over me – wondering how life could be so cruel as to show me that love is possible again, but then threaten to take it away again straight away. Tears spill from my eyes, and Bear whines a little at the sight of me being so upset.
“Oh. I see. Do you want me to be a friend right now, or a doctor?”
“Can’t you be both?”
“Not at the same time. Let’s do doctor first. Do you know what stage he’s at?”
“He’s just gone into stage four.”
“Right. Well, that’s not wonderful, but it’s also not terrible. People can stay in stage four for years. Some never go any further. But you have to be realistic – sometimes they do. It can cause other serious health problems, and it can progress to stage five. That might mean dialysis, or a transplant. Neither of which is easy.”
I nod, then realise she can’t see me. I wipe the tears from my eyes and tell myself to hold my shit together.
“Yeah. That’s what he said. He’s scared, Ella, which you can understand, can’t you? But I’m scared too… and I have no idea what to do here. He’s told me he feels the same about me as I do about him.”
“Full list of Ls on both sides?”
“Yes. And in normal circumstances, I’d be so happy this morning. But if I’m brutally honest, I have my concerns. I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can let myself fall in love with a man I might lose. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to survive that again. Does that make me a terrible human being? Because it makes me feel like one!”
I hear baby Kitty squawking, and Ella comforting her. It feels like they are a million miles away.
“Connie, no – of course it doesn’t make you a terrible human being! This has all come as a shock to you. You’ve only just found out, whereas he’s had time to adjust. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re one of the kindest, most generous people I’ve ever met. Your heart is as big as the moon, and you always put others first. But that doesn’t mean you get to ignore yourself, and your own feelings. If you have doubts, you need to consider them, because it wouldn’t be fair to him or to you if you didn’t. Look, if you took the CKD out of the equation, how would you see this working out?”
“I’m not sure,” I say, scratching Bear behind the ears as I talk. “I mean, it’s new. All new things come with complications, don’t they? Like the fact that he lives in London and I live in Dorset. Like telling our kids. All of that stuff. But to be honest, I don’t think I’d care about any of it… I love him, Ella, even though I kind of think that’s ridiculous at my age. I love him so much it actually hurts to think of being away from him.”
“Oh gosh,” she replies, and I hear the emotional catch in her voice. This is rare for Ella. “That’s… beautiful. It’s exactly how I felt about Jake. And stop going on about your age, will you? So – he feels the same?”
“Yes, I think so. No, I know so. He does. I can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice. Feel it in every touch. This is real.”
“Real wins every time. Would he consider moving to Starshine, do you think, because I really can’t see you in London… at least I hope not. I’d miss you.”
I turn the concept over in my mind, wondering if I would be capable of another big life change. I mean, there’s no real reason not to. My kids are grown enough to handle it. I could sell the café, or get someone to manage it. My finances are sound. I like this area of the city, could just about imagine a life here. Except… I’m not sure it’s one I’d want. There would be no George, and no Archie, and no Ella. All of my friends would be so far away, and I’d miss the sea and the sand and the stunning countryside views. Starshine is a special place, and it has been my home for so long that it’s hard to separate myself from it. We kind of come as a team.
“I don’t know. But I think he’d like to stay in Starshine. He said as much last night – that he could imagine building a life with me there. Now, though, it all feels so big. What about his condition? What about his hospital and his doctor and his treatments? He has no idea what’s going to happen next – how his health will hold up, how long he has left, any of it! We have no clue what the future might look like!”
More tears spring up, just as I’d got rid of the last ones. Damn them.
“Oh, Connie, I know… It is complicated. It is big. But I have to say this – there are hospitals where we live. There are doctors where we live. If he especially wanted to stay with his current team, he could. I could do all his tests and monitor him, and liaise with them. It’s not the other side of the world. That stuff can be managed. As for the rest… well, who does know what the future looks like, Connie? None of us do. Even without illness, none of us have a clue. We don’t know how long we’ve got, or how long our loved ones have got, or what is around the corner. That’s the way life is. It’s scary, but it doesn’t mean you can stop living it.”
On those words, I hear Kitty start crying in earnest, and my friend’s helpless attempts to calm her down.
“Ella, it’s fine. Thank you. You’ve given me a lot to think about. Go see to the baby, and I’ll call you later, okay?”
“You promise?”
“I do.”
I switch off my phone, and let her words sink in. I know, of course, that she is right. I should, of all people, understand that life is a gamble. The last day Simon was alive was totally normal. I’d reminded him to put the bins out, and I’d gone to work as normal, and I’d planned to cook us a nice lasagne to eat for tea while we binged on Line of Duty . It was a mundane day full of what I now see as absolutely blessed boring domestic detail. He wasn’t sick. He wasn’t a thrill seeker. He wasn’t an extreme sports addict. He was a normal man who simply gave his pregnant sister a lift to the hospital.
The accident came from nowhere, and our entire family’s life was never the same again. There was no warning. No time to prepare or say goodbye – there was just the before, and the after. Would it have changed how I felt about Simon, if I’d known that when I met him? If I’d known that our time together would be so limited, would it have stopped me from falling in love with him? From marrying him?
I don’t think it would. We might not have had the forever that we wanted, but we had enough time together for me to know that it was special. That not many people are so lucky as to meet their soulmate. And now I might have met another – the question is, am I brave enough to take the chance?