Chapter Thirty
Mike Hogan was in a state of disbelief as he packed a bag, checked on his sleeping son and daughter, then walked down the stairs and out of the house he’d called home for more than twenty years without a word to the woman he’d loved for all that time.
Almost everything that mattered to him was inside those four walls. He’d cried like a baby earlier when Brenda had brought Abby home. She’d run into the house, crying as she’d hugged him and Tracy, and then raced upstairs to see her brother.
Those two kids adored each other, even if they bickered like typical siblings. Seeing them back together had helped to soothe some of the agony he’d been living in since they’d realized Ethan was missing.
And yes, he knew it was all his fault. That was why he’d left the house the way Tracy asked him to, even though that was the last thing he wanted to do.
He wanted to stay with his family and repair the damage that’d been done by his mistake in judgment.
Every parent made mistakes, but some were bigger than others, and his had ruined everything.
Hearing that Luna Ahern was dead had been like a knife to the gut. And it was clear that Ethan’s name would be tied to that horrible crime, even though he, too, had been a victim of the men who’d killed Luna. Would people remember that? Or would they think his son had helped to murder a young girl?
The implications were so horrifying, he could barely breathe.
He sat in his car for a long time, trying to figure out where he should go before he turned on the engine, put the car in Drive and left his family for who knew how long.
Tears slid down his face as he drove aimlessly through familiar, deserted streets late on a Monday night.
Usually, by this time, he’d be watching TV with Tracy after the kids had gone to bed.
With the kids getting older, he felt like he barely saw them during the week because they were so busy with after-school activities, friends and other things that kept them away from home.
He loved their weekends together, but even those were different now that their younger kids weren’t little anymore.
He prided himself on trying to grow along with his children, giving them the space they needed to become the people they were meant to be.
But he’d fucked this up badly, and it was beginning to dawn on him that he’d pay for that mistake for the rest of his life.
He regretted the things he’d said to Tracy when they’d fought about giving Ethan more independence.
He never should’ve said she was being overprotective or hysterical, or any of the other stupid shit that’d come out of his mouth in the heat of battle.
He’d regretted saying those things even before Ethan had gone missing.
Things had been different between him and Tracy in recent years.
The stress of raising two younger children after their eldest had survived an attack in which other kids had died had put a strain between them that hadn’t been there before.
He knew they weren’t unique in having parenthood take a toll on their marriage.
It happened all the time, but it was unique to him to feel so disconnected from the woman he’d loved with all his heart for most of his adult life.
Things had been going wrong between them since Brooke had been attacked.
Tracy had distanced herself from him as she’d helped their daughter through the traumatic aftermath.
Once Brooke had recovered as much as she could from such a thing and left for college, he’d hoped he and Tracy might bridge the gap.
But it had only gotten wider.
Over the last couple of days, while Ethan had been missing, he’d had far too much time to ponder the many mistakes he’d made that’d led to this disastrous episode.
It would be easy to say that all he cared about was having Ethan home safe, and of course, that was his prevailing emotion.
However, he also cared about the damage that’d been done to his marriage and their family as a whole.
Would the children he loved with all his heart hate him someday for the mistakes he’d made that had allowed this horrible thing to happen to Ethan?
Would Tracy turn them against him if they split up?
Would she really sue him for sole custody of Ethan and Abby?
Questions that would’ve been unfathomable three short days ago now hung over him with no easy answers.
In all their years together, Tracy had never been as angry at him as she was now. They’d never been separated or talked about splitting up or anything like that. Until now.
His phone rang with a call from his sister-in-law Angela. Even though he didn’t feel like talking to anyone, he took her call because he knew how worried she’d been about Ethan.
“Hey, Ang.”
“Oh, hi, Mike. I’ve been trying to call Tracy, but she’s not picking up, so I figured I’d try you. How’s Ethan? And how are you guys?”
“Ethan is sleeping finally, which is a relief. He’s been super upset all day since we got the news about Luna.”
“I can’t believe she’s dead. It’s unbelievable.”
“Yes, it certainly is.”
“How are you guys doing?”
“Honestly, not so great. Tracy asked me to leave.”
“Wait. What?”
“She’s very angry and is blaming me for what happened because I allowed him to go out with his friends. She was adamantly opposed to that, but I felt he was ready for a little independence. Clearly, I was wrong, and she’ll blame me forever.”
“Where are you now?”
“Driving around, trying to figure out what to do.”
“Come over here, Mike. Come to my house.”
“Tracy won’t appreciate you putting me up.”
“We’ll worry about that tomorrow. You can stay in the guest room. You shouldn’t be alone right now.”
“Are you sure you don’t mind risking the wrath of your sister?”
“Don’t worry about that. I can handle her. I just now put the porch light on for you. You’ve got the code.”
“Thanks, Ang.”
“See you soon.”
At the next light, he hung a left to go back toward Capitol Hill, where Angela lived a few blocks from them.
After Spencer died earlier in the year, Mike had made a point of stopping by regularly after work to spend time with the kids.
He was there a lot. Hopefully, it wouldn’t seem odd to them to wake up and find Uncle Mike there first thing in the morning.
He pulled onto Angela’s street a few minutes later and found a parking space three doors down.
After grabbing his bag from the back seat, he made his way to her house, recalling the door code the family had been given so they could get into the Radcliffe house if necessary.
Tracy worried endlessly about her younger sister being alone with two little ones and a baby on the way.
She wondered how Angela would possibly handle it all on her own.
No one had been more there for Angela than Tracy had been since Spencer died. Under normal circumstances, Sam would’ve been there just as much, but her life had become even more complicated than it already was after Nick became president.
It wasn’t lost on Mike that the strain of helping to care for Angela’s family had contributed to some of the distance between him and Tracy, not that he blamed Tracy or Angela for that.
Tracy was doing exactly what anyone would for a newly widowed sister.
Anyone who knew Tracy well understood how much her younger sisters meant to her.
There was nothing she wouldn’t do for them, as she’d proven time and again over the years, especially in recent months when both her sisters had faced extraordinary challenges.
He went up the stairs to the front porch, put in the code and pushed open the door.
Angela was right there to greet him with a tight hug as he dropped his bag inside the door.
Mike was mortified to break down into deep sobs, which was the last thing Angela needed when she had more than enough on her own plate.
“It’s okay,” she said. “Everything will be okay. Emotions are running high after this stressful weekend. As soon as things calm down, Tracy will be willing to talk to you about what’s gone wrong. She’ll see that all that matters is Ethan being home safe.”
“I don’t know,” Mike said. “I’ve never seen her like this.”
“Her son has never gone missing before, thank God.”
“This was all my fault, Ang.”
“It was the fault of the men who took him.”
“They wouldn’t have had access to him if I hadn’t let him run around with his friends.”
“What were you supposed to do? Keep him under lock and key until he’s twenty?”
“That’s what we would’ve done if Tracy had had her way. At least until he was fifteen, maybe. I’m telling you… She won’t forgive me.”
“It all looks terrible right now, but after everyone gets some rest and calms down, maybe you can try to talk it out.”
“Sure,” he said. “Anything is possible.” That was what she wanted to hear, but he knew for certain that it wouldn’t be fixed that easily.
“Do you want to talk some more?” she asked.
He shook his head. “I’m all talked out after these last few days.”
Angela led him upstairs to the guest room. “Make yourself at home. There’re towels in the bathroom closet. Help yourself to anything you need.”
“You got any booze?”
“You know where it is, in the cabinet over the fridge. I think Spencer still had some of the good bourbon in there. He’d want you to have it.”
He hugged her and kissed her cheek. “Thanks for having me.”
“Oh, Mike,” she said tearfully. “I love you so much. I wouldn’t have survived these last few months without you and Tracy. I’ll do whatever I can for either of you any time.”
“Love you, too, sis.”
After she walked away, he teared up again at the thought of losing her and her kids from his life if Tracy succeeded in excommunicating him. He couldn’t imagine living without the Holland family. They were as much his as they were Tracy’s at this point.