December 11 （visa expires in 34 days）
There’s a big market in Phuket’s old city on Sunday evenings that’s usually packed with people.
I was meeting Daniel by the clock tower, but the traffic was so snarled that I got out of the taxi and headed there on foot.
Cell reception was spotty so we couldn’t share our locations.
Luckily, Daniel was easy to spot because he was taller than most Thais.
He was leaning against a wall and didn’t notice me until I was right in front of him.
“Hi.”
“Oh, hi. How did you find me?”
“When you’re looking for something, the universe provides. It’s called the Law of Attraction.”
“Attraction? So you’re attracted to me?”
I flushed a bright crimson.
“No, no! That wasn’t what I meant. It’s a thing. Let me Google it for you.” I said and then remembered I had no reception. “Another time. Let’s go and eat. I’m starving.”
Daniel looked amused as I tried to avoid his gaze.
Eventually we found a place to eat, under a giant, golden, illuminated dragon. The first thing Daniel did was take some shots for Instagram.
“What? It’s really beautiful!” he defended himself when he saw me roll my eyes.
“You think everything’s beautiful!”
“Even you.”
“So why don’t you take pictures of me for Instagram?”
Daniel hesitated.
“Forget it,” I said. “I’d rather you didn’t.”
“No, it’s ok. I was thinking about something the influencer I met in Mexico said. She said I would lose followers if they knew I was dating someone.”
“Homophobia?”
“No. Not those morons. She has millions of followers, most of them men. She says it’s because they fantasize about her.
If she were to include a man in her pictures, it would deflate their fantasies, and they would lose interest. I didn’t buy what she said until I talked to other influencers who said the same thing. ”
“So you’re afraid that a picture of me would make you lose a lot of followers?”
“Don’t be mad, Amit. It’s how I make my living – not who I am.”
“I know that. I just wish you weren’t involved with this shallow stuff.”
“But it brought me to you, so I’m grateful to it.”
“It’ll also make you lose me, so I hate it.”
Daniel looked at me silently, clearly suppressing something he wanted to say.
“When you leave, I’ll come and sit here alone.”
“You’ll bring your date here,” Daniel said under his breath.
“What?” I only got what he was saying after I asked.
He hadn’t said anything about a long distance relationship, and I hadn’t brought it up.
He was a nomad. He wouldn’t stay in Phuket for me.
Not now, not ever. I wouldn’t ask him to.
For me, and I guess for him too, when he leaves it’ll be the end of us.
“Nothing. I don’t give a damn about the future right now. I want us to be in this moment together.”
“Agreed. So let’s eat. The food’s getting cold.”
We’d picked up all sorts of things on the way – beef skewers, mango sticky rice, eggrolls, pineapple slices, noodles, fried chicken, banana roti and, of course, a mango shake and a strawberry shake.
It was way too much, but still nice to top it off with a yummy shake.
I looked at Daniel. He was an enigma, a riddle I needed to solve.
“What’s the worst thing about traveling?”
“The worst? The transitions. Well, besides the security officials who could arrest someone for a torn passport page or a misspelled name, when I arrive in a new place I feel like I’m surrounded by cultural critics.
People react to everything you do wrong, correcting you like a child.
Doesn’t matter if you go into a temple with your shoes on, take a croissant from the shelf with an unsanitary bare hand, or get on the bus at the wrong door.
It’s fun to learn about new cultures, but not to make mistakes and get reprimanded. ”
I was surprised. I hadn’t thought about that aspect.
“It reminds me of going to Paris with my parents when I was eight. One rainy day my mom wanted to buy an umbrella, so she went into a store and chose a colorful one. One of the other customers told her she should get a different one because that one wasn’t appropriate. She bought it anyway.”
I hadn’t thought about that trip in years, and it made me miss her acutely. But she chose to leave me, and I’ve decided to respect that.
Daniel seemed to read my thoughts, but he didn’t say anything.
“Yes, that’s the thing. There’s a limit to how up to speed you can be on a culture before you arrive in a country. What are the rules in Thailand?”
I thought for a second and naturally the first thing that came to mind was food.
“Don’t serve rice on the same plate as the other elements of a meal.”
“I noticed that in the East. At least here they eat with spoons and not chopsticks.”
“There are still some places where you’ll only get chopsticks. Ah – and don’t ask for a non-spicy dish. Not going to happen…”
“Oh I’ve learned that one the hard way.”
We laughed. We’ve all been burned at some point in Thailand.
“And there are cultural rules that have to do with the king, but I never got too deep into them. In general, be respectful and don’t make jokes that have anything to do with him.”
“Oh c’mon. How could I not make fun of...”
“Daniel!”
“Aha, you’re looking out for me!”
“I’m looking out for myself. I’m right here with you and I don’t need any trouble. Unlike you, I’m here for the long run.”
That silenced him, but I didn’t know how else to put it. It was clearly something we’d both been struggling with. I couldn’t see anything but an impasse up ahead.
“I move around all the time and I’m never alone, but sometimes I still feel lonely.
I can go anywhere in the world, but there is nowhere I feel I belong.
It’s different with you; I don’t feel lonely when I’m with you.
” Daniel stopped to take a breath and looked me in the eyes.
“I want to fall in love with you, babe.”
“Aren’t you scared? You’re a nomad after all. You won’t stay in Phuket forever.”
“No one stays in Phuket forever, but people still let themselves fall in love. I travel because I want to live life to the fullest – without social pressure, or the constraints of time, place, culture or language. Every moment I spend here with you I am more alive and experiencing love much more than I would if I stayed here for 100 years. All we have is now, and that’s much more than most couples who think they’ve got forever. ”
I looked at this fearless man, so hungry for life and unafraid of getting hurt.
I wished I could be like him, think only about the present and take risks like there was no tomorrow.
But there is a tomorrow. I wanted there to be a tomorrow, and I was frightened to death of not wanting that anymore.
That seemed a real danger if I let myself fall in love with a nomad who would decide at some point to stay true to his wandering spirit and leave.