Chapter Twenty-Five
As Tara ran to the guest cottages where Kace lived, she realized she didn’t know which one was his. The ranch provided six in total, and Gage also lived in one. Maybe she’d be able to determine which one was Kace’s by the Mustang or the truck in the driveway if she wasn’t too late.
The bright blue sky gave no indication rain had fallen the night before. Only the occasional puddle reflecting the white puffy clouds gave away the presence of the storm. The storm had been in her heart, and it remained there. Agreeing to testify and having her job back didn’t make what waited for her any easier to endure. She would still have to deal with Drew and the humiliation of her past. The worst possible thing that could happen, though, would be Kace rejecting her.
He came into sight as she rounded the corner. She stopped for a second to catch her breath before approaching him. He dropped a bag into the trunk of his Mustang. He was handsome in his worn jeans and long-sleeved T-shirt. A dusting of a beard dotted his jaw, and if she were close enough, she would see his oil-stained fingertips. She loved the way he was at home in his casual way, no pretenses. He was a man of the earth, strong and solid. She understood how much he loved to go fast and the competitive streak, even the thrill of the fans screaming for him, but did he know how much ranch life was in his blood too?
She approached with caution. There would be no going back once he saw her. She had to choose courage over fear this time. “Hey.”
He turned. A smile broke wide on his face, but it fell just as fast. “Is everything okay? Did you walk over here? Where’s Royce?”
“I called Izzi to stay with him. I need to talk to you. Do you have a few minutes?” This could take longer than a few minutes if it went the way she hoped. She didn’t want to hold him up, but she had to hear his response.
“I have a few hours before I leave for Billings. We are practicing most of this week. I’ll be gone until the race.”
“I realize this is a bad time, but I don’t want you to leave without hearing this from me.”
“You’re going to marry Paxton. Is that what you came to say? Well, you don’t have to. I can read between the lines. I wish you luck.” He turned to go.
“Kace, wait.”
He stopped and hung his head.
She rubbed her hands on her legs. “It’s not that. Please don’t go. This is important. I promise.”
He hesitated, but she righted her shoulders and held his gaze. He had to see how hard this was for her, standing there with her heart exposed. Her insides shook when he was around, and she would guess he had no idea. He was the kind of man she had dreamed about but never believed existed.
“Come inside.” He waved her in his direction as he took the porch steps two at a time and opened the door. He entered first, not holding the door for her the way she would expect but had no right to expect. She had basically thrown him out last night and allowed him to believe she might marry Drew.
The cottage was adorable with its walls made of logs and wool area rugs blanketing the hardwood floor with their warmth. The living room was decorated with brown leather furniture stuffed full of thick cushions offering an invitation to sit. The small kitchen gleamed with stainless steel appliances and granite counters. Moving boxes were stacked in the corner of the living space. He wasn’t planning on staying. Coming home had stolen something from him that she couldn’t fix even though she wanted to. One photograph in a frame sat alone on the mantel of the stone fireplace.
The picture drew her attention, and she wandered over. Five young men wearing white T-shirts and jeans stood in various poses. Each man resembled the others with their black hair and dark skin. They all smiled wide, except for Jett, who seemed to be pushing Gage away. The youngest one pretending to punch Kace must be Ajay. “This is a nice picture of you and your brothers. You all look like you’re having fun.”
“We took that as a Mother’s Day present the year Ajay died. We all have a copy. Well, I don’t know what happened to Ajay’s.” He took the picture off the mantel and ran his fingers over the glass. A small smile played across his lips as he stared at it.
“You miss him.”
Kace returned the photo to its spot. “Every day. What did you want to talk about?” His jaw was set, and a glossiness coated his eyes.
She wanted to ask if he felt okay, but he would put up his defenses more than they already were. Her legs wobbled under her as if she’d been running for miles, and maybe in some ways she had—too many miles of hard terrain.
“Let me start by apologizing for last night. I shouldn’t have dashed out and left you standing in my kitchen.” After she had taken off her shirt, promising to love him. Her mouth had clamped down around the answer to his question about marrying Drew. At the time the only thing she could think to do was run from the room.
“Why did you?”
“I was scared. I still am, actually.” And she was only a little less frightened because of her talk with Karen. The woman who had raised the man in front of her. She needed to trust that Karen understood.
“Of me?” His eyebrows shot to his hairline.
“God, no. Not you. Never you. I am scared of what you’re going to think, though.”
“Just tell me, Tara. Whatever it is, I can take it.” He wiped a hand over his weary face.
She hoped he could handle what she was about to say. If he couldn’t, she would be causing him more stress, and he didn’t need that, but she couldn’t turn back now. “Would it be okay if we sit down?”
He took the club chair. That left her sitting on the edge of the couch, near him but too far away to touch. She had put the hurt in his eyes. She would have to live with that. “I’m not going to marry Drew. I haven’t told him yet. I wanted to tell you first.”
“Why did you want to tell me? You made it pretty clear you were through with me.”
“I pushed you away because I didn’t want to tell you the real reason I had considered Drew’s proposal. I was afraid you wouldn’t look at me the same way, and I couldn’t live with the pity or whatever else you would be thinking.” She pulled on the cuffs of her shirt sleeves. In her haste to find him, she hadn’t bothered with a jacket. Now that she sat, cold shivers ran over her skin. Lately, a permanent cold had settled inside her except when she was with Kace.
“So what’s the real reason? What had you running over here this morning?”
She couldn’t look him in the eyes. She pulled on her sleeves again and fought the emotions sticking in her throat. She wanted the floor to swallow her up. She should never have come here baring her soul. What a fool she had been to trust Drew. Kace would see that as clear as day. Even her declaration would not change a thing for her or them.
His strong hands covered hers. His skin was warm and rugged against her shaking hands. She raised her head and met his smile, bright against his tan skin. His presence and self-assuredness took her breath away.
He knelt beside her. “You can tell me. Anything at all.” His soft-spoken words salved her frightened heart like a perfect lotion.
She scooted over to make room for him to sit beside her. He never took his hands away from hers and joined her on the couch. Their thighs touched, warding away the cold.
“I’m not sure where to begin.” She ran her thumb over his hand. The back and forth of skin against skin eased some of her nerves.
“Begin anywhere.”
“When I met Drew, I thought I was the luckiest person in the world. Drew Paxton liked me, the girl from the wrong side of the tracks with a father who beat my mother.” She stole a glance at him. He hadn’t moved. His face remained impassive, but a curiosity played in his eyes. She took that as a sign to keep going.
“We married around the time he went pro. Then he got hurt in a game, and everything started to change. He was angry all the time and for no reason I could understand. Everything I tried to make him happy only made him angrier.” Not a day went by that she didn’t think about all those times she had tried to fix him, to save him. She had wanted her husband back, but he had been gone, and it had taken her too long to realize he was never returning.
“I think I understand. You don’t have to say anything else if you don’t want to.” He laced his fingers through hers and kissed her knuckles.
The sweet gesture raised the emotions she wanted to keep down. She couldn’t fall apart in front of him. Not over this. He was brave. She could be too.
“I want you to know my whole story. I want us to be together, but that can’t happen without the whole truth. I’m broken, Kace. I can never be whole. I can’t have any more children.”
She pressed her lips together, afraid if she didn’t, she would scream. She hadn’t said those words out loud in years. Hearing them from her own voice shattered what little protection she had around her heart. She closed her eyes and counted to ten then continued. “Drew took from me the one thing I had wanted more than anything else in the world. I had wanted the chance to have a house full of children like you and your brothers. I was never loved the right way as a child. I had wanted to have a family of my own and prove to myself I knew how to be a good mother. If you were to be with me, you could never grow this amazing family you belong to.”
He cupped her face with his hands. His thumbs caressed her cheeks. “He hit you?”
She nodded.
“Hard enough that you can’t have any other children? Is that what you’re telling me?”
She gripped his hands and held them in her lap. “I was pregnant with our second child. We were doing fine for a while until we weren’t.” She closed her eyes for a brief rest from the story that had worn her out. “He hit me hard enough I tripped and fell down the stairs. I lost the baby…and my ability to have more.”
“I’m sorry you lost your child.” He kissed her cheek and the one tear that slipped out. His masculine smell settled around her and unwound some of the muscles in her shoulders.
“Thank you, but there is nothing for you to be sorry about.” She was the one who had been sorry that she hadn’t left in time to protect her child. If only… She pushed the thoughts away.
“I don’t understand why you were considering the marriage proposal. Does he have something over you?”
“Just the shame of being a woman not gutsy enough to leave her husband. I’ve never told another living soul what I just told you. Except your mother. I told your mother this morning.”
“My mother?” He arched an eyebrow.
“Yeah.” She told him how his mother came by to give her the job back, and how she couldn’t keep her secret inside anymore. She told Kace how Karen had encouraged her to come to him with the truth.
He ran a hand through his hair. “My mother has an uncanny ability to make people feel comfortable. I’m glad you listened to her and came here. I wish you had told me sooner.”
“I’m sorry. It was too embarrassing to tell you that I had failed as a mother and had barely gotten started. If I didn’t have Royce, I wouldn’t have survived. I know I should be grateful I have a child at all, but my heart is still broken for what I lost.”
She had let Kace down by not being truthful. She had caused too much pain by keeping her secret, and she almost caused more. How could she have even considered a life with Drew? Fear had made her do irrational things.
“You didn’t fail. Getting hurt at someone else’s hand is not what failure looks like. You are an amazing mother with Royce. You’re doing everything right with him.”
She wasn’t sure she was doing everything right with Royce, but the compliment sat well with her.
He raised her chin with his strong finger. “Promise me something?”
“Anything.”
“No more I’m sorrys .”
“Okay.” She could live with that.
“So why marry him again after what he did to you?”
“Because I was ashamed. I don’t want anyone to know that I was just as fearful as my mother was. She stayed with my father until he died. I didn’t want to be her, and that’s exactly how I ended up. And Royce needs a family.”
“The very last thing you are is gutless. As for Royce, he’ll be okay with parents who are divorced, as long as Drew never hurts him. Because if he does, I swear I will get my brothers, and we will hunt him down. I’m a pretty good shot, you know.” He beamed his high-voltage smile at her.
A warm relief flushed her skin. “Thank you, but you don’t need to shoot anyone.”
“No one has to know.” He winked. “Royce really will be okay, babe. Izzi is fine with divorced parents. And I ended up okay not having my dad around. We all did except for Ajay, and honestly, he could have ended up the exact same way even if my dad had lived.”
“I think I finally realize that I don’t have to hide my mistakes. That isn’t what a good mother would do. Royce needs the best me, and so do I.”
“You earned the right to move on. Don’t you think it’s time you were happy?”
She had been happy with him, this beautiful man in front of her. “I’m trying. Since I came to town and found you. This ranch and your family…you…have shown me what happiness could be like.”
“I need to ask you something else.” He took her hands in his again.
“Sure. Of course.”
“Do you want to be with me?”
“As long as you don’t mind what’s about to come down on you and your family once my story goes public. It could affect your racing career too.”
“Let me worry about my career. As for the ranch and my family, we all stick together. Always. You’d be a part of us. We don’t let anyone face their problems alone. Clearly, my meddling mother already showed you that.”
A tiny bubble of laughter drifted up her throat. “I like your mother.”
“Well, that’s good because we’re kind of stuck with her.”
“Can I ask you something now?”
“Ask away.” He leaned back against the couch and stretched out his legs. His toned muscles flexed with ease. He looked almost free of pain.
“Are you going to tell anyone about your concussion symptoms?” It was time for both of them to be honest.
“I’m fine. I haven’t had any symptoms in over a week.”
“Kace, you need to get some help.”
“Tara, of all the people in my life, I thought you were the one who understood me best. There’s nothing to worry about and nothing to talk about. I’m leaving for practice today. I’m racing, and I’m going to place high enough that this underdog team will have a shot at some wins next season with me at the wheel.”
“What if you get hit?”
“I won’t.” He pushed off the couch and turned his back to her.
“How many races have you been in where there wasn’t a crash? Doesn’t someone always bang up?” She followed him and placed a hand on his shoulder.
“I’m fine. Whatever I’m feeling goes away behind the wheel. The symptoms don’t even show up that often anymore. You don’t have to worry.” He shrugged away but turned to face her.
“I don’t want you to get hurt worse.”
“I won’t.”
“What if you get another concussion?”
“It’s not going to happen. I’d have to be hit hard.”
“Are you really that stubborn to believe you won’t get hit hard enough to shake your brain inside your head? Even if it’s not your fault, a car could fly right into you.” She wanted him to at least see he was running a risk even if she wouldn’t ask him to stay behind.
“I know I have to race. I know nothing makes sense to me if I’m not behind the wheel. I also know I’ve spent my entire life working toward this moment. I’m not letting it go for a stupid headache.”
“It’s not just a headache. The damage could be permanent.”
“You know, my grandfather bought this ranch so he could have a job he loved. My dad died out in the fields in the middle of the day while he was working. He loved this ranch too.” He went to the fireplace and stared at the photo.
“Are you saying you’d be happy if you died while you were racing?” She wanted a chance to build a life with him, and she wanted him by her side when she fought Drew. Not dead, but the straight line of his spine said he was certain of his choice.
He turned and shrugged.
“What about your family?” Her fingers ached to grab on to this conversation and bring it back to a place that made sense. She wouldn’t ask him to give up racing because that would be selfish, but she wanted him to see the importance of staying safe at least until the symptoms were gone. His life meant so much to so many people, but he was headstrong and determined to have his way. He would risk anything. If he was willing to risk his life, he would be willing to risk her too. The air went out of her lungs. They would never work. He couldn’t give her what she needed, and she would always worry about the moment when everything would go bad between them. She had come so far by sharing her secret with him, only to have the distance snatched away because he was too obstinate to see he needed to get help.
“My family knows what racing means to me. They don’t always like it because I’ve gotten hurt, but they understand as much as a family who isn’t a racing family can.”
She wiped her hands on her pants. “I think I need to go.”
“Wait a second. What’s happening here?”
“I want you to have a great practice today and this whole week. I hope you win every race, but promise me if you start to feel worse, you’ll tell someone. Tell Gage. You trust him the most.”
“What are you saying?”
“You and I aren’t going to work.”
“Is this because I’m racing?”
“No, it’s because you’re not being honest about your symptoms. I can see things are getting worse for you. The off-balance in your stance. The way you blink against the light. The way you rub the bridge of your nose. You think no one notices when you grab on to something to steady yourself, but I do. I can’t stand by and watch what could happen to you if you crash one more time.”
“I’m fine.” He threw his hands in the air.
“So you’ve said. Good luck, Kace. I mean that.” She wanted to go over and kiss him goodbye, but she didn’t trust herself. The kiss wouldn’t be enough, and if he gave her even a touch more, she’d be forced to sit back and watch him hurt himself. She couldn’t bear to lose him that way. Losing him like this was hard enough.
“If you meant it, you wouldn’t walk out on me.” He stood tall and strong in his spot across the room.
She opened the door and let herself out.