Chapter Twenty-Seven
Kace couldn’t get off the bed. Every time he sat up, the room spun. It was like that day in the kitchen when he’d first met Tara. The room had been spinning then too, and he couldn’t make it stop. She had given him that oil to smell, and the room stilled itself. It had seemed almost like voodoo at the time.
He’d never believed much in holistic remedies. Not even those of his ancestors. Gage and Jett had spent some time with their grandfather and learned what it really meant to be Kootenai, but Pops had died by the time he was about five. He hardly had any memories of his Native American grandfather. After his dad died, most of those traditions fell to the side. His mom was White and Anglo. She had tried to keep their heritage alive in their home, but it didn’t stick with him. He could use some of Pop’s natural remedies now. More than that, he needed Tara and not just for the oils.
He glanced at the clock on the side table. The red numbers warned him that time was running out. He had an hour to get ready and be at the track for another practice run. Gus would be knocking on the hotel room door any second.
Yesterday’s practice had gone better than expected after his vision blurred out for a second. He pushed the car up to one hundred eighty miles per hour by the second lap. The car was designed to exist on the edge of sanity, and he kept it there the whole time. His focus remained on the racing line and the area on the track always in front of him.
When he pulled into the pit line, his symptoms were nonexistent. He felt like his old self. The adrenaline stayed in his system through lunch. Afterward, he was glad when Gus wanted to take a nap. The dizziness and vertigo sacked him hard. He had hit the bed and hadn’t moved since then.
He swung his legs over the bed and gripped the mattress. Squeezing his eyes shut, he groaned. There was no way he could drive like this. He could barely stand.
Still, he had to get to the track. If he gave up now, everyone would say they told him so. Once he started moving, he’d be fine. When he got home, he’d make an appointment to see the doctor.
His feet met the floor. He inched off the mattress until only his fingertips grazed the bed. A cold shower would help and then a strong cup of coffee. The caffeine would kick up his adrenaline, and he’d be fine. That’s all he had to keep telling himself.
He shuffled toward the bathroom. His phone rang. Instincts turned him back toward the side table where he had left it. The room trailed after him. He clamped his mouth shut to keep the bile down and waited until the room straightened out a little.
His fingers stumbled over the screen until he could swipe and answer Jett’s call.
“What’s up?” The words scraped against his dry throat.
“We need to talk.” Jett’s clipped voice thundered in his ear.
“You’re right. We do. But I don’t have time right now. I’m running late.” And if the room didn’t stop spinning, he’d never make it out to the parking lot. He didn’t have the energy for another fight. He put Jett on speakerphone and stumbled around the room grabbing clean clothes.
“I haven’t seen the papers for the sale of the land. I don’t want you thinking I’m going to drop everything and run over to the lawyer’s office to sign anything. You had better give me some notice because you’re not the only one with a busy work schedule. I have a seven-day-a-week job too, hotshot. And the same goes for Lock and Gage. They all have to be at the signing.”
“Did they tell you to say that for them?” He went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face. He slurped some of the water from his hand, but nothing helped. The room still dipped if he moved too fast.
“No, but I know how they feel. Lock and I think it sucks that you’d sell out on us. Gage won’t say anything because he thinks he has to be everyone’s father, but if I pushed him, he’d tell me the truth. Which is you suck for selling out.”
“I get it. Listen—”
“When are you coming back so we can get this shit over with? I want to be done with selling my land.” The thunder in Jett’s voice grew until his head hurt.
He dropped back onto the bed and held his head. “Stop yelling. I’m not selling.”
“Just tell me when I have to sign the papers. I need this over with, and by the way, you have to move out of the cottage. I’m renting it out for extra money. Move in with Gage. He always babies you, anyway.”
“Are you listening? It’s not happening. I’m not selling. I’m sorry.”
“Wait a second. Did you just say you’re sorry? You? The arrogant race-car driver is sorry for something?”
“This opportunity to race for Roy Burger means I don’t need to sell. I won’t invest in the other team. I’m sorry for fighting with you.” He didn’t want to argue with his brother. Jett had always been right in front of him, paving the way when they were kids. He never had to worry about a thing because Jett was always there first, doing it or making it happen. And if anyone ever gave him trouble, Jett always jumped in first. Gage might be the leader of their pack, but Jett took his role as big brother just as seriously. That always gave him the space to have fun and not worry because Jett took care of it.
“You’re keeping the land, then?”
“Yeah. Forever, like we always planned.”
“What happens if this new opportunity with this team ends? Are you going to try and sell then?”
He would prove himself to Roy Burger. He could finish his career on this team. He just wanted to race for a pro team. Now he had the chance to do it for the rest of this season and even next if he finished high enough. And he would. He could outrace the best of them. He just had never had the chance to do it with the big league, like a lot of drivers who never got the money or the chance.
“The ranch and all the acres will stay in the Ryker family. One of us better start having kids, or Izzi will be forced to run the whole thing by herself.” Tara’s words came back to him like a sad echo in the creaking wind. She couldn’t have more children and thought he would care about that. He didn’t give a damn if she could make a baby. They could adopt if she wanted more kids. They were still young enough. But she had given up on him before they barely started.
Jett coughed out a laugh. “Not me. Gage will just have to live forever so he can help her.”
“You know he’d try.”
“He sure would. Kace, I’m sorry too. I’ve been acting like a jerk and taking my anger out on everyone. I keep thinking about Dad and how he died. I don’t want to disappoint him by losing any of the ranch. If I screw up, it feels like he’ll have died in vain.”
“That’s not true. He would never be disappointed in what you’ve done with the ranch. Sometimes I think he’d be disappointed in me.”
“He would be the one yelling the loudest when you come around the track.” Jett cleared his throat. “I don’t say stuff like this, but I’m proud of you. We all are.”
His emotions stuck in his throat, and he needed a deep breath before he could speak again. “Thanks. I have to go. I’m really late.”
“Thanks for not selling. I’ll see you when you get home.”
“See you.” The conversation gave him some reprieve from the dizziness. Every symptom came down to stress. He just needed to stay calm. Or he’d screw up everything. He couldn’t do that. Not now. Not ever.
****
Kace couldn’t focus. He kept thinking about Tara and his conversation with Jett when he should have been paying attention to the road. He wished she had trusted him enough to know he would never hurt her, but deep down she didn’t. Not if she’d waited to tell him about Drew and wouldn’t trust him to do his job.
He was glad he and Jett had worked things out because his family meant a lot to him. More than he realized sometimes. When those thoughts of his dad and Ajay crept in, he remembered how much he needed to keep his brothers close. He couldn’t lose them.
His head thumped as if it were a flat tire shredding off the rim. The pain rotated in and out, distracting him as much as his thoughts. He needed the car to perform, but it wouldn’t if he couldn’t.
“Kace, how’s the car feeling?” The crew chief’s voice came over the communication system.
“Feels great, Jason.”
“Can you push her a little more? Like yesterday. Simon needs to gather data on the tires.”
He hesitated to take the car into the next gear. The faster the car went, the hotter the inside became. The heat made him sweat, and he wasn’t hydrated enough. He hadn’t had time to guzzle the right amount of water after Jett’s call. The coffee hadn’t helped him in that area, but it had helped with the dizziness.
He forced himself to think only about the car and the road. If he had other cars to strategize against, he would focus on that, but it was just him out here showing his new boss how well he could drive. Or not.
The car shook, or maybe it was him. His brain dipped into a fog from all the pounding. He jerked the wheel too much coming out of the turn.
“Hey, Kace, you all right?” Jason said.
“I’m fine.” What else could he say to the crew chief he had only met the day before? If they had been friends, he might have been able to tell the truth, but not when he would blow his only chance to race. He missed Trevor. He should have called him back instead of blowing him off, and he didn’t have to hear Gus on the comm line to know the man was thinking he’d better bring the car in.
He pulled into pit road and turned off the engine. Jason and Simon came out to meet him.
“Do you want to tell us what’s going on?” Jason said.
“What do you mean?” He forced himself out of the car. He leaned against the door for extra support. His brain seemed to be stuck in a washing machine, and he couldn’t let on to the struggle to stay focused.
“Yesterday you drove like a champ. Today you hesitated around every turn, you didn’t take her out of fourth until I asked you to, and then you nearly ended up in the grass on the last turn. You could’ve folded the back end if you had gone off the asphalt.”
“The rear tires weren’t sticking.”
“My tires are just fine,” Simon said.
“Then it’s the rubber. I asked you yesterday to insert one. The car would handle better if you knew what you were doing.”
“Hey, I know what I’m doing. I’m starting to think you don’t, and that’s why no other team wanted you.” Simon pointed a finger at him.
“Who do you think you’re talking to? I can race circles around any driver.” He lunged for Simon, but Jason jumped in the middle and pushed him back.
“That’s enough out of both of you. Kace, take the rest of the day off and cool down. We’ll look at the handling, but if something else is going on, I need to know about it before the next practice.”
“There’s nothing to know.” He handed the helmet to Jason and walked off.
“Kace, slow down. An old man can’t walk that fast,” Gus called after him.
He wanted to keep going and put as much space between him and the track as possible. His heart still slammed around in his chest. His head hurt worse than before, and his pride was tied up in knots he might never be able to unravel. But he waited for Gus.
“Gus, no lectures.” He went into the locker room to change out of the fire suit. Gus followed him. During the run, he had soaked through his T-shirt and shorts underneath. He stunk and needed a shower, but not here.
“I saw what happened.”
“Nothing happened. The rear tires won’t stick.”
“You know that’s bullshit. I’ve watched you for two days now. You did fine yesterday, I’ll admit it, but when I told you I needed a nap, it was because you needed to lie down. You looked like you were going to topple over like a dead oak while we sat at the table.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Gus gripped him by the shoulder with strength he didn’t know Gus still had. “You listen to me, boy. You’re not doing yourself and anyone on this team any favors if you drive injured. I know how much this means to you better than anyone else. But believe me, if you go and crash that car because you can’t drive right, you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life. You’ll hurt yourself, that team out there who need their jobs, your family, and me.”
Gus’s words pummeled him. He couldn’t catch his breath to stop the blows from coming. Gus did understand him better than anyone else. Gus had had the same dreams. But Gus had never been sick. Never been less of a man.
He dragged a clean shirt over his head. “No one is getting hurt, Gus. Not today. Tomorrow or ever. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“That stubborn streak is what made you a good driver, but it’s also what’s going to get you killed. You don’t have to act like you’re fine. No one is going to think any less of you for being hurt.”
“Stop overreacting. There’s nothing wrong with me.”
“This is serious business. You have to take it that way.”
“Do you really think I’m not taking my last option to race seriously? I won’t have another chance after this. I turned down that offer to sell my land and invest in that team. No other owner wants anything to do with me because of that accident. If I can’t drive for Roy, I’m washed up. Through.”
“That’s where you’re wrong.” Gus pointed a finger at him.
“I’m going back to the hotel. Do you want a ride?” He grabbed his duffel. He would be washed up if he couldn’t race with Roy.
“Not from you.” Gus marched out of the locker room. The door swung back and forth in his wake.
Kace kicked the locker and threw his duffel. He reached for his phone and stopped before hitting the call button. Tara didn’t want to hear from him unless he would acknowledge he needed a doctor. He just needed to rest. He’d be fine after he took a nap.
By the time he opened the door to his hotel room, the symptoms had increased. The room did a one-eighty. He swayed to the side and grabbed the wall for support. His stomach protested all the spinning. He raced to the bathroom and vomited back up the coffee. His hands shook as he wiped his mouth.
He dropped onto the floor and leaned his head against the wall. How could he drive like this? If every time he got out of a car, he felt as if his brain were shrinking in on itself, he wouldn’t be able to go on.
All he ever wanted was the chance to race on the professional level. He had come so close. He meant what he had said to Gus. Roy Burger was his last chance to race a pro team. Most of the teams in the league were powerhouses that dominated the starting line. They had the money and the sponsors. All he ever had was the stubbornness to keep at it. If he didn’t drive in the Southern November, he had wasted his whole life trying for something that would never have come true. He couldn’t be nothing.
He sat there for a while, waiting to see if his stomach would protest more. The light outside grew dim as time passed. He pulled himself up and kicked off his boots. He had a decision to make, and he didn’t know what to do.
With a heavy heart, he tapped his phone until it started ringing on the other end. He sat on the bed with the pillow behind his head and his feet up. At least the room had stopped spinning.
“Hey, how’s it going?” Gage’s voice came across the line sturdy like steel.
The words stuck in his throat. He needed his big brother, the brother everyone leaned on when times got tough. Gage was the Montana mountains, steadfast and unfailing. Of all of them, he was the best one to be the head of the family. He had slipped into that role as if it had been made for him. Gage didn’t know how much each one of them relied on his strength.
“Kace, man, is that you?”
“Hey.” He cleared his throat. “Yeah. Um, I was just calling to check in. How’s everything going?” He closed his eyes and focused on reining in his emotions. Gage needed to think this was like every other conversation. He wasn’t ready to say anything about the symptoms just yet.
“Give me a second.” A rustling started in the background. Gage said something to someone, but his voice was muffled. A door closed. “I just got home. I was telling Izzi I’d be out back. Is everything okay? How’s the practice?”
“I didn’t mean to take you away from Izzi.” He settled against the headboard and sank into the mattress.
“She is more than happy to be rid of me. I still haven’t agreed to her dating Justin.”
“You’re fighting a losing battle on that one.” He couldn’t say he blamed Gage for wanting Izzi to focus on something other than an older boy, but Justin had proved himself to be a good kid.
“He’s too old for her.”
“What does Calista say? She can vouch for him. She’s practically his mother.” Justin had moved in with Calista and her father this past July after Justin’s brother beat him up. The three of them had become a little family.
He grabbed the blanket and pulled it up to his chin. Sitting in the dark talking to Gage reminded him of when he was about twelve and would climb into Gage’s bed after he was supposed to be asleep and tell him all about racing the go-karts. Gage never threw him out but would listen until his mouth ran out of steam and sleep became inevitable. Only then would Gage tell him to go back to the room he shared with Jett.
“Calista says that I’m fighting a losing battle.” He laughed. “She also claims to have talked to each of them separately about safe and responsible sex. And she says if I don’t give in a little more, then they’re just going to do it to spite me. Were we like that as kids?”
“You? No. Me? Definitely. Anything Mom said I couldn’t do, I did anyway. If she caught me, I made her laugh, and she’d give in. Lock and Jett sometimes acted out. Ajay most definitely.”
“I guess that’s true. I just don’t want her making a mistake she can’t undo. She has plenty of time for boys.” Gage gave a small laugh. “Why did you really call? It isn’t to listen to me screw up as a dad.”
He could unload, and this would all be over. He was tired of worrying about how he felt all the time, tired of assessing his symptoms from the minute he woke up. “I just wanted to talk to you. Can’t I call my big brother once in a while?”
“Sure, but I figured you’d be pretty busy with your practice schedule and then the race.”
“The schedule is intense. I’ve been out of the car too long, and I’m feeling it. The heat is driving me nuts this time.” He paused. The pain behind his eyes had dulled to a thud. He wasn’t nauseous anymore, but he wasn’t hungry either. He hadn’t eaten all day and would regret that choice. He needed to be in good physical shape to race. That wasn’t happening today. “Anyway. I just thought I’d call.”
He’d be fine. He just needed a few hours’ rest and a good breakfast in the morning. Then tomorrow he’d be great behind the wheel. By the end of the week, he’d be more than ready for the race. After the race, he’d see a doctor if the symptoms were still around.
“Do you need money?” Gage’s voice startled him out of his thoughts.
“No, I don’t need money, and I would never take any from you even if I did. Why are you asking me that?”
“If you have something you want to say to me, you can just say it. I won’t judge you. If you need help, I’ll get you help. If it’s money, I’ll give it to you. Say the word, Kace. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise.”
Gage thought he had broken that very promise to Ajay, and that was why he had ended up dead. Their whole family had been trying to convince Gage for years that he wasn’t at fault. Ajay had made some bad choices. Nothing Gage had done would have made a difference, but Gage hadn’t believed it until recently.
“I’m fine, really. I was thinking about Dad a lot lately. You know, how he died loving what he did.”
“Is this what you’re trying to tell me? You want to die while racing.”
“I have no plans on dying in my race car.” That was the truth. He could handle his car and the symptoms, but the reality was race-car drivers did die behind the wheel. The safety precautions in place had helped change that, but his job was dangerous, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Glad to hear that. I need you around.”
“Would you ever quit being the sheriff?” This was the question he had wanted to ask from the beginning. Gage could have run the ranch instead of Jett, but he had wanted a different path than their father.
“I did quit, right after I nearly choked Justin.”
“You were in a bad spot after Phyllis died.” Their town had seen more tragedy around July Fourth. Phyllis had worked for Gage for forever and had died during a robbery. It had torn Gage apart.
“That was no excuse. I’m lucky to be back on the job. So to answer your question, I would only quit if I couldn’t do my job the right way. I love what I do. I can’t imagine doing anything else. I like to think Dad would be okay with my choice, even though that choice drives Jett nuts most of the time.”
“He doesn’t understand why we left the family business. He says he does, but deep down he thinks we all need to honor Dad by working there.”
“I see honor a little differently, I guess.”
“It’s hard to remember Dad sometimes. I have so few memories with him. Am I like him?” The sun made a final descent and painted the room in muted grays. He should turn the bedside lamp on, but sitting in the dark, talking to Gage was the first thing in several days to relax him.
“Most of my memories are of him working. He worked dawn till dusk taking care of guests and the animals. If I needed him, I had to find him in the barn. I think we’re all like him in ways. We all have his work ethic.”
“Do you think Dad and Ajay are together?” He didn’t know what he believed about the afterlife. But if there was one, he sure as hell hoped his father and brother would be there to meet him when he got there. If he drove sick, he could end up there sooner than later.
“I don’t know. But if they are, they’re going to be with you at the racetrack when you race this week. Ajay always liked to watch you race.”
“He did. I stunk up the track today. I almost crashed. The crew chief called me on it, and I got pissed.”
“Bad day, then? Are you planning on apologizing?”
“I plan on showing up to tomorrow’s practice and redeeming myself.”
“Don’t be afraid to say you’re sorry. How are things between you and Tara?”
“She ended it. Doesn’t want to come in second to racing.” He couldn’t tell Gage that Tara was onto him and wanted him to come clean about still being sick. Gage would agree with her.
“Would she always take a back seat to your career?”
“Not in the way she thinks. I have room in my life for both. Listen, I better let you go. I need to grab some dinner, and you probably do too. Say hi to Izzi and Calista.”
“Good luck. Bring us back a trophy.”
“Will do.”
He’d be glad to just bring himself back at this point. But he didn’t say that. He ended the call and sank farther into the mattress instead.
Tomorrow was another day to prove himself.
He hoped.