Chapter Eight #2
I nod. “The thing is… I like sex.” I give an embarrassed laugh, and his lips curve up.
“I don’t want to live without it, but it was becoming clear to me that it wasn’t going to happen with Rob.
So I’d started to think about leaving him anyway.
To be honest, I feel as if my marriage ended last Christmas.
We’ve only been roommates since then. And then he hit Max.
I’m trying to say that what he did to him was the straw that broke the…
you know. The final nail in the coffin, or whatever other cliche you want to use.
My marriage is over. I’m going to see a lawyer once I decide where I’m going to live. I want a divorce. I want to move on.”
His gaze is gentle. “Okay,” he says softly.
I nibble my bottom lip. “I’m not saying I expect anything from you.
I’m floundering, too. But…” I pause, my gaze sliding to his mouth the same way his did to mine earlier.
I imagine leaning forward and pressing my lips to his.
I want to kiss him. I want that intimacy with a man again, and I want to show him that I like him.
“I know,” he says. “Me too.”
We’re stopped from saying more as the waiter comes out with our meals. I call to Max, who comes running over, carefully navigating the zebra crossing with Ghost before sitting at the table. Ghost has a drink and lies at our feet, and we tuck into our meals.
Max is hungry after racing around with the dog, and he demolishes a good two thirds of the small pizza before declaring he’s full.
Cullen and I take a bit longer to finish our meals, savoring every mouthful.
The lasagna is full of rich and creamy bechamel sauce, tomato-flavored mince, and tender pasta, and it’s absolutely delicious.
I offer Cullen a mouthful, and he gives me a bite of his carbonara, creamy and peppery. It occurs to me that we look like a couple, feeding each other from our forks, with our boy sitting between us, chatting about our day.
That makes me think about Max, and my mind wanders back again to what I’m doing here.
Cullen and I have both declared our interest in each other, but what does it mean, exactly?
Any man I meet in the future is going to have to be okay taking on a child who isn’t his.
Cullen said, ‘I know you come as a package,’ so he’s obviously aware of that.
Clearly, he gets on with Max. But Cullen saying he finds me attractive is a huge step from declaring an interest in anything other than a fling.
Maybe a fling would be enough for now. But as I watch him sipping his wine and talking to Max about their day, it occurs to me that I’d like more than a fling.
Or am I just thinking that because I’m on the rebound and afraid of being alone? It’s ridiculous to be thinking about the Future with a capital F before we’ve even kissed.
I have a slight headache now, so I push my worries away and concentrate on finishing my lasagna.
Afterward, Max declares his pizza has gone down and he’d like an ice cream, so we decide to get one from Scoops by the Sea and eat them while we walk back to the house.
We get up from the table, and Max skips along the path to the café to look at the flavors while we get the bill.
“I’m happy to pay a little extra because of Max’s pizza,” I say to Cullen, “rather than go halves.”
“Not at all,” he insists firmly. “This is my treat. It was my idea to go to dinner.”
I catch his eye. “If you pay for me, that makes it a date.”
We study each other for a moment.
“Is that a problem?” he asks.
I can barely breathe. I feel a little dizzy from thinking about connotations and Where This Is Going. But in the end, I just give a little shake of my head.
“Good,” he says, a tad smugly, and he goes inside to pay.
Feeling flustered, I wander down to Max, and we’re ordering our ice creams when Cullen joins us. We’ve asked for cornets this time. He orders for Mint Choc Chip, and this time I say firmly that I’m paying. He just gives me an amused look and doesn’t argue.
We cross to the beach, and I slip off my sandals, letting them dangle from my fingers while I eat the cornet. We walk down to the water’s edge, where the waves, warmed by the sun, wash over my feet. Max throws sticks into the sea for Ghost, who swims out to retrieve them.
“Are you okay?” Cullen asks. “You’re quiet.”
I’ve put my hat and sunglasses back on. “I have a bit of a headache,” I admit.
“Aw.”
“Too much thinking.” My lips twist.
“It doesn’t always help to think too much.”
I chuckle. “No, that’s true.”
“Sometimes you just have to… er… for… um…”
I look up. He’s watching me, and he’s clearly lost his train of thought, distracted, apparently, by me catching the drips of the cherry ice cream on my tongue.
Our gazes meet. He blinks. “Sorry, my brain just melted.”
I giggle, and his lips curve up.
“Naughty boy,” I say softly.
He gives me a helpless look. “Sorry. It’s been a looong time.” He says it with feeling.
“How long?”
He shrugs. “Eighteen months? Maybe more.”
“It’s a long time to go without sex and affection. We’re both touch starved.”
He studies his ice cream before taking a bite out of it. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“Maybe…” My face warms, but I ignore it. “…we should forget about everything else and just concentrate on the fact that we’re two human beings who like each other, and who need a little love. I mean,” I add hastily, “not love love, but, you know, affection, and—”
“Yeah,” he says, eating the last bite of his ice cream. “I think you’re right.”
“I mean, there’s no point in worrying about what might happen or where we’re going, right?
It’s summer, and it’s beautiful, and we like each other.
That’s all that matters, isn’t it?” My gaze slides to Max as he splashes in the water, and I feel a wash of despair.
I swallow the last of the ice cream, trying to ignore the lump in my throat.
“I want that to be true, but I have to think of Max. I can’t just go off with any guy who takes my fancy.
If I’m going to be a single mum, I can’t parade a succession of men through his life.
I have to be responsible. Oh God, I’m so tired of being responsible. ”
“I understand,” he says.
My chest heaves. “I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to come on all deep and meaningful…”
“It’s okay. Of course you have to put Max first. I wouldn’t assume anything else.”
“I’m not saying—”
“Isla.” He stops walking, catches my hand with his, and turns me to face him.
“It’s okay. You’ve been through so much.
I’m not asking anything of you. Neither of us is ready to make any decisions right now.
” He looks out to sea briefly, and then his gaze comes back to me, resolute and firm.
“Brock said to give myself time to think about what I’m doing, and he’s right.
I’m going to stay for Christmas, probably until the New Year.
” He lifts a hand and cups my face. “That gives us a week or two to see whether there’s anything here that we want to pursue. ” He smiles. “How does that sound?”
I nod, swallowing hard. “It sounds good,” I say huskily.
He brushes my cheek with his thumb. “Okay.” He looks at my mouth, and for a moment I think he’s going to kiss me.
Then Max comes rushing up, and Cullen lowers his hand.
“I found a shell,” Max says, showing me. “It’s really pretty. You can have it, Mummy.”
“Thank you, darling. It’s beautiful.” I slide it into my pocket, and we continue walking on.
I feel full of emotion, but also hope and excitement.
Cullen understands. He’s going to stay for Christmas.
It gives us time to get to know each other.
To see if there’s anything more between us than physical attraction.
Maybe wishes do come true, after all.