Chapter Nineteen
Diana
There was a soft knock on the bedroom door, or maybe there had been a few. I didn’t know. I was too busy replaying what just happened with Mags. I was on my fifty-fourth reply when a sharp, loud knock sounded, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Come in,” I called after clearing my throat.
I watched the knob twist, and then Thomas stood before me, his hair in disarray, his eyes solemn. “Diana,” he greeted, his throat bobbing.
Tears formed. “Hi, Thomas.”
He rubbed his nose and cut his gaze from me. “So, uh, I’ve decided you’re not allowed to have any more fun days, and I’ll be emailing Emma to loop her in on this decision immediately.”
A weak but welcome chuckle came from me. “I’ll make a note of that in my calendar.”
“Speaking of,” he muttered, revealing his briefcase to me, “I brought everything you needed. The cowboy—uh Mags—gave me his WiFi password.”
I didn’t even let myself get excited about what was in his briefcase as he walked over to the bed. “Mags has WiFi?”
Thomas shot me a look. “Apparently.”
I blinked and looked down, focusing on my hands instead of the cuts on my arms. A second later, my Filofax appeared, and I lifted my eyes, giving Thomas a smile. “Thank you,” I whispered, taking my precious baby from him. I opened it up, immediately flipping to next week to double check when my first class started.
Eleven.
Good. Later than last year, which gave me time.
“I was going to call the university and tell them about the accident, but I didn’t know how you wanted to handle this,” Thomas explained.
My head snapped back up. “What are you talking about?”
He gestured to my Filofax. “You know, to cancel your class.”
“Thomas, I’m not canceling this class.”
My paralegal stared at me for some time until, finally, a small smirk appeared. “Okay, good. That was a test, and you passed.” I rolled my eyes as he handed me my laptop. “There’s something else.”
“What’s that?” I asked, logging into my computer, fully expecting him to tell me about something crazy that happened with one my clients.
“Yale called.”
My fingers froze about my keyboard, my breath catching. My eyes met his, and he nodded, excitement beaming. “They want you, Di,” he said.
All the air in my lungs left me on a whoosh as I fell back against the pillows, my shoulders relaxing.
Yale wanted me.
They wanted me to teach.
“Did they say—”
“They didn’t give me any specifics, but I told them you would get back to them on Monday.”
I nodded. Okay. This was good. Okay.
Yale wanted me—they actually wanted me.
Suddenly, I felt young again, remembering the day I opened my acceptance letter. I didn’t have anyone to celebrate with; my parents didn’t support it, and Lucas wanted me under his thumb. I remembered sitting on my bed, tears of happiness streaming down my face, clutching the letter so tight because I’d been afraid it was all a dream.
“I’m proud of you.” Thomas smiled, shrugging as he put his hands in his pockets. “In case no one else says it, Di, I’m so proud of you. I’m honored to work under you.”
“Thomas, don’t make me cry. I’ve had a long day,” I playfully scolded, already feeling the tears forming.
Another knock sounded.
“Can I come in?” Valerie’s soft voice stretched across the room.
Thomas moved, letting me see her. She was chewing on the inside of her lip, her long, dark hair now swept up into a messy ponytail, her cheeks wet with tears.
“Of course, you can,” I told her and then looked to Thomas. “Would you mind giving us a minute?”
He nodded. “Sure. I don’t think the cowboys want to kill me anymore, so that’s a plus.”
I did a double-take. “Wait—what?”
“The men were being stupid,” Valerie answered for him, giving him an apologetic look. “I’m so sorry for that, by the way. Cowboys are…rowdy.”
“I’m aware,” he said, turning and giving me a wink.
After he left the room, Val closed the door softly and turned, leaning against it, unsure of what to do.
So, I started. “I’m sorry.”
Confusion twisted her features. “For what, Di? You did nothing wrong.”
“I was a shitty friend to you,” I confessed. “I avoided you because of my—”
“—I don’t care about any of that,” she cut me off, rushing over to me. “My best friend almost died today. You think I care about you not seeing me for a few weeks?”
A lump formed in my throat as I looked up at her, wondering how the hell I got so lucky to have a friend like her. “You don’t—you aren’t mad at me?”
“Di, when my mom died, I didn’t leave Den’s bedroom for a month.”
“That’s different.”
“Pain is pain. There is no justification. If you're hurting, you’re hurting, and babe, you’ve been hurting . You needed time and away from the ranch,” she stressed, her voice shaking. “Now, can I sit right here, or do you want me by the door?”
I pointed to the bed.
“Thank God,” she breathed, plopping down and pulling me into her arms. I put my head on her shoulder, and then—the dam opened. Sobs took over my body, tears flooded my eyes, and suddenly, I was clinging to her as the pieces of my heart drifted further and further apart.
I didn’t know how much time had passed. Abbie and Harmony were knocking on the door. Then, they ended up on the bed, holding me while I let it all out. When there were no more tears left to give, I settled back into the pillows, clicking my thumb and index fingernails together, my anxiety running rampant.
“Have you kissed him?”
“Abbie!”
Abbie rolled her eyes at Valerie. “Oh, come on, we were all thinking it. Hallow Ranch cowboys stake their claim with a kiss.”
Val bit the inside of her cheek and looked over to me. “That’s actually true.”
I looked over to Abbie. “No, we haven’t kissed.”
Disappointment was painted across all their faces then and more silence followed.
“Maybe Mags hasn’t had his ‘fuck it’ moment,” Harmony guessed after a few minutes.
I sat up a little straighter. “His what?”
“You know, the moment when he loses control and gives in,” Abbie said. “Beau had multiple with me.”
“We know,” Val and Harmony said at the same time.
“I don’t know,” I mumbled.
“Well, Mase’s ‘fuck it’ moment with me was when he came over for dinner and then decided he needed to leave all of a sudden. He was acting weird, and when I asked him if it was because of me, he did the growly thing and kissed me in the middle of my hallway. It made my knees weak.”
Valerie hummed. “I love the growly thing.”
“Seconded,” Abbie chimed in.
“I think…I think Mags just did the growly thing to me,” I murmured.
All heads snapped in my direction, and Harmony’s cheeks were tinted. “He did?”
“Look,” Val began, “I’m not going to make you tell me something you don’t want to tell me…”
“…but,” Abbie picked up, “we wouldn’t be opposed to you telling us every single detail.”
Harmony smacked Abbie with a pillow. “We don’t need to know every detail.”
“Speak for yourself,” Abbie deadpanned. “I still remember the day he showed up in front of the barn, asking Denver for a job.” She looked to the window, the memory flooding back as she told us about it.
“I didn’t see him until a few weeks later,” I said once she was done, remembering the first time I saw him. My eyes dropped to my lap, my cheeks heating. “I fell for him right then. I was in love with him the second he looked at me.” My voice was a barely a whisper now. Over ten years later, I still couldn’t comprehend it.
The girls waited, and I continued, telling them about the last decade.
And like they asked, I gave them every single detail.
When I was done, all three of them had the same look in their eyes, but it was Valerie who whispered, “That cowboy is so in love with you, babe.”
I was ready to deny it, shaking my head as I did, but when I opened my mouth, Abbie cut me off. “You know, it makes sense now.”
“What makes sense?” I pressed, looking at her as she chewed on the inside of her lip.
Her smile was smile, but the weight of it was overwhelming. “Every time, without fail, when you’re brought up in conversation, he has a reaction.”
“What? No, he doesn’t,” Val chimed in.
“Mags is always quiet and broody,” Harm mumbles.
“Yeah, but when Di is brought up, he either looks to his boots or he walks away,” Abbie said, giving me another one of her small smiles. “You’ve had that cowboy wrapped around your finger for a while now. He’s just too stubborn to admit it.”
“He doesn’t think he’s good enough,” I whispered, the realization slamming into me.
“You have to show him he is, babe,” Val murmured.
“He’s broken,” Abbie added, meeting my eyes. “And I know you’re the only one on this Earth who can make him whole again.”
My body ached as I sat up further. “I don’t know how to be—I don’t know where to start.”
“Talk to him,” Harmony urged, leaning forward to grab my hand. “After everyone leaves, sit him down and have a conversation.”
“Mags?” I called, hobbling to the mouth of the hallway, my eyes scanning over the empty kitchen, seeing all the dishes from dinner were cleaned and put away. I looked over into the living room, finding it spotless. There was no evidence that, just an hour ago, every single person who lived and worked on this ranch, plus Chase and Thomas, were all here for dinner—made by Jigs, Valerie, and Abbie.
My eyes lingered on the desk on the opposite side of the room, the notebook open, the pen missing.
I’d come out here for the conversation, for answers.
Suddenly, the front door flew open, and Mags stormed through, his dark eyes filled with fire. “What the fuck are you doing?” he growled, moving around his furniture and coming directly for me.
“I was just—AHH!” I was in his arms then, being carried through the living room.
Mags set me on the couch a second later, his chest heaving with anger. “Told you to go to bed,” he clipped, grabbing the Afghan from the back of the couch and covering me with it, his movements hurried and erratic.
I gaped at him, the light from the small fire flickering on the side over his face as he planted his hands on the cushions behind me, caging me in like he had just a few hours ago. “I’m not a child, Mags. I can do what I want,” I quipped. A muscle jumped in his cheek, and I took a second to take him in. He was still in his jeans and boots, but his hat and flannel were gone, leaving him in only a black T-shirt. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” I finished softly.
He said nothing.
“Are you okay?” I asked, looking over to the desk and then back to him. “I didn’t hear you come in after everyone left.”
His answer was short and gruff. “Had to think.”
“Oh.”
More silence.
“Um, about what?” I asked, my stomach in knots.
Once again, Mags was back to his usual silent self.
The fire cracked and settled beside us as he continued to lean over me, the dark, endless pools of his eyes beckoning me to the depths as they always did. All thoughts of my hike gone wrong, my friends’ advice, and the offer from Yale faded away as I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, memorizing every inch of his handsome face, his dark, untamed beard only adding to my never-ending addiction to him. Locks of his black hair hung around his face now, drowning out the rest of the living room behind him. My eyes kept moving, unable to stop as they greedily took him in, and when they landed on his massive chest, my clit hummed.
Great—I’d fallen down a mountain today, and my body wanted sex.
No, it wanted him.
My eyes moved over to his arms, and from this angle, I could see the underside of his bicep—
Ice shot through my veins, chasing away my need for him when my eyes landed on it: the damaged, raised, discolored skin. It took up most of the underside of his arm, disappearing underneath the sleeve of his shirt.
That was burn mark.
Mags had been burned.
“What is that?” I asked, my voice cracking as my mind tried to comprehend the pain he’d suffered.
When he didn’t answer, I gradually lifted my eyes back up to his, seeing nothing but devastation etched in his features. “Burn.”
That was all he gave me before he pushed up and walked over to the mantel, staring into the fire. “Mags,” I croaked, sitting up, wanting to go to him.
“Don’t you fuckin’ move,” he growled, looking at me over his shoulder, a shadow hanging over him now.
“I just—”
“You need to rest,” he barked, making me jump. “You coming in here to check on me is the last thing you should be doing. I told you I would take care of you and that’s—"
“You didn’t seem too worried when you let everyone else step in,” I snapped to his back as he stood over the fire, his head bent, hand braced on the mantel. I clutched the edge of the blanket, my bottom lips wobbling. “You just stood off to the side and left me—"
He whirled on me then, pain in his eyes. “You have no fucking idea ,” he growled. “You have no idea the restraint I had to display this afternoon when they wouldn’t leave you the fuck alone. When the girls took you into the bathroom to clean you up, when Denver hovered over you like a fucking hawk, when the cowboys wouldn’t leave you be.” Goosebumps spread across my skin as the unhinged fury in his voice grew. “They washed you. They clothed you. They watched over you. They cooked for you. They made you laugh . They made you comfortable . They took care of you. ”
“I don’t understand—”
My eyes snapped back to him when he roared, “ I wanted that, Diana! I needed that! I needed to take care of you. To cleanse you. To put fuckin’ clothes on you. To hold you. To make you laugh. To make you feel safe and comfortable. I needed it more than the air in my lungs, Firefly!”
Instead of sinking back into the cushions, I swung my leg over the sides of the couch, the blanket falling to the floor. “Then why didn’t you—”
“I don’t deserve to take care of the woman I’ve broken,” he all but snarled.
Silence settled over us, our chests heaving, our panted, labored breaths filling the air as the fire continued behind him. That was the reality of it, right? Despite what happened to between Mags and me, the world would go on without us. Our feelings didn’t matter to this world, but what I felt for him was the gravity of mine, holding me down, refusing to let me go.
“You had every right to break me,” I countered.
He jerked back, his brows snapping together. “What the hell did you just say?”
“You heard me,” I said, giving him a pained smile.
He stared at me, falling apart right before my eyes, and there was nothing I could do but sit here and take it. There was a war, endless battles upon battles, raging inside me, my ego verses my heart. Despite the raw need to go to him, to wrap my arms around his neck, and tell him how much I loved him, how worthy he was, how amazing he was—I couldn’t. He didn’t want me to, and until he admitted he did, I had to stand firm. I didn’t want to feel the sting of his rejection again. I didn’t want to feel like I was chasing him.
I wanted to be wanted.
I wanted to be chased.
I wanted him to look at me and tell me everything he said had been a mistake, that he couldn’t live without me.
I wanted to believe all the sweet and wonderful things my friends had said to me this afternoon.
I wanted to have hope, but it was slipping through my fingers . Right now, in this cabin, I was silently begging him to restore it.
So, I waited, drowning in despair. I waited for this cowboy to speak, and when he finally did, my heart nearly gave out.
“Breaking you was the worst thing I’ve ever fuckin’ done.” He paused, his own agony seeping from him now. “Out of all the things I’ve done—hurting you like that…” Mags’ mouth snapped shut, and he cut his eyes from me, looking over to the desk. I couldn’t look anywhere else. Even if he couldn’t look at me, my eyes refused to leave him. “I’m drowning. I’m always drowning. Never get a second to breathe, to live , to experience the peace I came to Hallow Ranch to find. The only times I feel like I can is when you’re around. Got a light in you, beautiful, and that light is the closest thing to peace I’ve ever experienced.” His eyes were back on me, and I couldn’t breathe. “I don’t deserve you, your light, your beauty, Diana. Any of it. I don’t deserve to take care of you.”
His words hit me like a round of bullets, each one piercing the skin, leaving nothing but holes.
I don’t deserve you, your light, your beauty. Any of it. I don’t deserve to take care of you.
“I’m going to ask that question again, Mags,” I whispered, my hands shaking as the future hovered over my head, circling like a vulture, ready to feast on whatever was left of me.
You say my name and ‘please’ in the same fuckin’ sentence, I’ll give you anything you fuckin’ want.
His words from earlier echoed in my head as my next words came out on a broken plea. “I want the truth. Please, Mags, give me the truth.”
The cowboy looked tortured, but again, he remained silent.
I looked up to the ceiling, knowing what the answer was going to be, but I had to ask it anyway. The girls, plus Chase, had messed with my head, telling me things that couldn’t be true. Mags, despite his flaws, his trauma, his darkness, was a good man.
Good men don’t lie.
When our gazes met again, the question flowed out of my mouth like an overflowing stream. “Do you want me?”
I expected more silence, more agony, more heartbreak.
I didn’t get any of that.
His strong arms hung down at his sides, his boots firmly rooted in place as he rasped, “More than anything else in this world.”
My bottom lip began to tremble, my eyes stinging, proving to me my body would never run out of tears. “But?” I prompted thickly.
He looked away from me to the desk as devastation washed over him. Seconds ticked by, and for whatever reason, insanity or hope-filled delusion, I waited.
The tortured cowboy’s eyes sliced back to mine, and just as he was about to say something, his head snapped over to the door, his body on alert. Suddenly, he was moving. “Lie down,” he clipped, and a chill swept over the room.
I followed his gaze, a shiver sliding down my spine. “What is it?”
“For the love of fuck, Diana, just stay down,” he growled, moving to the door and reaching behind him for his pistol.
My eyes widened, and I did as he asked watching as his entire demeanor changed. Suddenly, I wasn’t looking at Mags, the cowboy. I was looking at Mags, the Marine. He moved fluidly to the window, pulling back the curtain and looking outside, gun in in hand, pointed at the door.
“Is it the bear?” I asked.
He dropped the curtain. “I wish,” he muttered underneath his breath, moving to the door.
There was a single pound before Mags yanked it open to reveal Denver.
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.
“Den? What’s wrong?” I asked, sitting up.
His gray eyes landed on me as he said, “Need to have a conversation with Mags, Diana.”
Mags was quiet, glaring at his boss and friend. “This can’t wait until morning, Kings? Had a hell of a day.”
“Haven’t we all?” Denver shot back, finally looking at his ranch hand. “A word.”
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
“Denver, I—”
“Di, love you, and you know that, but right now, I need to have a talk with my cowboy, yeah?” the Hallow Ranch owner cut me off.
“Let’s get you to bed, Diana.”
My eyes drifted over to Mags.
No.
No, I didn’t want to go to bed. I wanted to finish our conversation. I wanted to hear what he had to say. Still, I kept my mouth closed, grinding my teeth as he walked past Denver to help me off the couch. I wasn’t going to say anything until he moved to lift me into his arms.
“I got it,” I protested. “I made it in here alright.”
His eyes met mine. “I know you did.”
I was in his arms in the next breath, mine latching around his neck. As he walked me back into the hall, I stared at Denver. He said nothing, moving back out onto the porch, moonlight filling the living room, his guarded eyes on me. Mags carried me into the bedroom, his steady breaths doing nothing to calm me down.
“What does he want to talk about?” I asked as he set me on the bed.
“Lie back,” he ordered, not answering my question.
“Mags,” I snapped, putting my hand on his arm.
He tensed, but only for a moment. Then, he was back to tucking me in, pulling the covers over me. “Need you to get some rest, Diana. That’s all you have to do.”
“I asked you a question,” I pressed, my voice cracking.
“And I need you to get some sleep,” he clipped, his eyes hard.
Before I could utter a reply, he was gone, closing the door behind him.