Chapter 26
Rayne
Ceilings—Lizzy McAlpine
“Don’t pull with your free leg, Rayne. The turn has to come from your standing leg,” Zoe says as she does a perfect pirouette next to me. It looks so easy when she does it. So damn perfect. Every muscle in her body is under tension.
“See?”
“Yes.” I groan and lean heavily on my thighs, breathing hard. My heart is beating so fast it feels like it’s about to leap out of my chest. “I see what you’re doing, but I can’t do it.”
“No one can do it like Zoe,” Mae interjects, getting a reproachful glance from her best friend.
“Not helpful, Mae. Besides, you can do it just as well, and you . . .” She looks at me, a determined expression on her face. “You can do it too.”
I grimace but don’t reply, because it’s not true. Zoe steps behind me and I straighten up.
“May I?” she asks.
“Sure.”
She places both hands on my waist. “Try to straighten up a little more. Pull your ribs in, keep the tension, and then start the turn. Your standing leg has to do the work, not your free leg,” she repeats.
I press my lips together in frustration. I already know everything she and Mae have explained to me in the last two hours. The problem is putting it into practice.
“Want to try again?” Zoe’s eyes meet mine in the mirror. I want to say no, but it’s no use. If I give up, I won’t get any better.
So I nod, and Zoe lets go of me. I try again, losing my momentum and then my balance.
Again and again. It’s so frustrating I could cry.
I’m still not wearing pointe shoes yet, and even in slippers I can’t do it the way it’s supposed to be done.
The way it must be done. I’ve been dancing long enough that I should be able to do a simple pirouette.
After the fifth miserable turn, I let myself collapse onto the floor with a groan. I’m dizzy because I didn’t focus on one point long enough before I moved my head.
“I can’t do any more.”
“Really? Or have you just had enough of pirouettes?” Mae asks. “We could work on your jetés a little more.”
“Please, no,” I beg her. If I have to do leaps now, I’ll throw up. This week has been hard, and the extra practice today is the last straw.
I hardly slept at all last night because I kept thinking about Easton and that kiss. The expression in his blue eyes as I backed away. The memory of it makes my heart clench.
Don’t think about it. Not now.
But I can’t stop. I haven’t been able to since yesterday evening after I got back to school. It was the first time Easton didn’t drive me. I’ve been trying to convince myself that it was just because he had to go to the Lighthouse, but I know that’s not true.
The kiss changed everything, and that can’t be denied. It also can’t be undone. Do I even want to undo it?
Yes.
No.
I don’t know.
God, I really don’t know.
“Okay, we’ll stop for today,” Zoe decides, bringing me back to the present. I resolutely push all thoughts of Easton aside. If I keep thinking about him, I’ll go crazy, and I have more than enough problems as it is.
“God, I hate this.” Sighing, I bury my face in my hands, not even sure what I’m talking about. My miserable performance, my emotional turmoil, or both. Probably both.
“No, don’t do that.” Zoe sits down next to me while Mae puts one leg on the barre and stretches in a way that makes me feel bitterly envious.
“I can’t. I’m sorry, honestly. I know I whine and annoy you too much, but I can’t help it. It’s all so incredibly awful.”
“You’re not annoying,” Mae says, smiling at me.
“You’re not,” Zoe agrees. “And it’s understandable that you’re complaining.
We’d feel the same way. I felt the same way myself not long ago.
You’ve only been here for a few weeks, and I’m sure you’ll be able to figure it out if that’s what you really want.
” She nudges my foot with hers. “Can I ask you something?”
I just nod.
“Do you enjoy the classes here?”
The question catches me off guard. I open my mouth to say yes, because that’s the only acceptable answer here, but no sound comes out.
Zoe raises her eyebrows questioningly, her gaze intent. It feels like she’s looking straight inside me and seeing everything that no one else is supposed to see.
“I like it here,” I reply, and it’s not technically a lie.
However, it’s only half the truth. I really do like it here at the school.
I like living in the dorm with everyone else, and I like that Zoe’s and Mae’s rooms are right across the hall from mine.
I’ve made friends, which I honestly didn’t expect.
“That doesn’t answer my question. Is ballet fun for you?”
“Is it about fun?” I’m still evading the question. She definitely notices, but I can’t admit that it’s not fun for me.
“It should be, at least a little bit,” Mae says.
“I mean, sure, there’s a lot of pressure.
We’re constantly comparing ourselves, and I bet everyone has had a nervous breakdown at some point because it felt like they were incapable and everyone else was better.
But I think most of us know why we put all this pressure on ourselves.
Do you?” she asks gently, sliding off the barre and coming over to us.
I don’t want to answer; everything in me resists. But maybe it’s finally time for the bitter truth. Especially for me to admit it to myself. I exhale sharply. “No.”
“It isn’t supposed to feel like that,” Zoe says quietly. “Why are you here?”
My eyes burn, and I blink frantically. “My mom went here, and I was hoping I could . . . find a part of her here if I did something she loved. But I can’t do it.
I’m not like her. She was so good, and I’m just a failure.
But I don’t know where else to go,” I choke out. I guess that’s the real truth.
Zoe and Mae are silent, probably not knowing what to say. I get it. I wouldn’t know, either. You can’t just dismiss it or sugarcoat it. I really don’t know where else to go.
“I can’t move back in with my grandmother.
She’s not interested in me, and I . . . I don’t know how to deal with her,” I blurt out, almost like Zoe’s question set something free inside me, and now everything is bursting out all at once.
“She’s not part of my family. She never visited us; she was never there.
She didn’t even call on birthdays or holidays.
I have no one. My life in LA is over, and there’s no one I can talk to, or want to talk to.
This feels like the only home I have left.
Except for Easton’s house, but I screwed that up.
Now I’m losing him, even though that’s the last thing I want.
And—” I break off because suddenly I can’t breathe.
My chest feels terribly tight, and my heart is beating too fast. Not from exertion, like during ballet practice, but from panic. Only when Zoe reaches for my hand do I realize I’m shaking. I’m shaking and I can’t stop. My eyes are burning, my skin feels too tight, and my stomach is rebelling.
I have nowhere to go. I’m losing the only person who matters to me because I’m scared and don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I want or who I am—and, even less, who I want to be.
“Rayne, take a deep breath. Slow down.” Zoe’s voice sounds distorted and distant. Her hand closes tighter on mine. It’s warm. “Breathe deeply, okay? Breathe with me. Look at me. Come on, look, and breathe with me.”
She sounds so calm. Why? And why is my heart beating so fast? Why can’t I breathe? I have to breathe.
“Hey.” A hand under my chin makes me lift my head. Familiar, amber-colored eyes. Her gaze is as calm as her voice. She takes a breath, and somehow I manage to do the same.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
“Everything is okay, even if it doesn’t feel that way. You’re okay. Everything is fine.” She keeps talking. I don’t understand every word she says, but her voice is my anchor because voices always help me, and gradually I calm down again.
My pulse slows, my lungs expand, and I can breathe again.
“I’m sorry—”
“No,” Zoe interrupts me. Her smile is warm. “There’s nothing to apologize for.”
I want to argue, but I decide not to.
“Shall we go over to the dorm? We could cozy up in bed and eat ice cream,” Mae suggests. “And then we can talk about everything, if you want.”
I find myself nodding.
“Let’s go.” Mae grabs my hand, then she and Zoe pull me to my feet. Silently, we gather our things and head over to the dorm.
We each make a quick detour to our own rooms to change and then meet up at Mae’s. She’s the only one of us who has a mini fridge with a freezer compartment in her room.
“Three cheers for my mom and her constant concern for my feet,” Mae says with a grin, bending down to the freezer, where a container of Ben it’s not my place. “Anyway, it wasn’t bad. I mean, it was, but only because it felt bad. Do you know what I mean?”
They both nod, and I think they actually understand me.
“And then . . . we kissed, after all.”
Mae squeals enthusiastically. “I knew it! You’re too cute together for nothing to happen.”
“I’m not done yet.” I awkwardly scrape some of the still slightly hard ice cream out of the tub.
“That doesn’t sound good.” Zoe’s brown eyes widen.
“It wasn’t,” I sigh.
“Wait, quick question: Was it the kiss that wasn’t good, or what came after?”
“Really?” Zoe gives Mae a reproachful look, but she just shrugs.
“It’s important.”
“What came after,” I murmur, and suddenly everything comes pouring out. I can’t stop myself.
* * *
“Now I think I totally screwed up. We can’t just pretend nothing happened, can we?” I finally ask after telling them everything.
“It depends,” Zoe says slowly.
“On what?” It’s ridiculous how hopeful I sound.
“Whether you kissed in the heat of the moment or because you have feelings for each other.”
“Easton is my best friend.” My answer comes out too fast, and I can hardly believe it myself.
“Of course he is.” Mae smiles. “But this isn’t about feelings of friendship.”
I swallow and lower my eyes. As if I didn’t know that already.
“What are you afraid of?” Zoe asks carefully, and I suspect that’s the key to the whole mess.
“What if something goes wrong? What if I lose him because we get carried away by something that might not have a chance of working?”
“Are you letting yourselves get carried away? Easton seems more like the type who overthinks everything. You do too.”
“I agree,” Mae says. “Maybe that’s the problem.”
I continue to poke at the ice cream. “No, that’s not it. Or maybe it is. I do overthink everything. But it’s more than that. I mean, what if this is just a moment of pure attraction, and nothing more?”
There’s no point in denying that I’m attracted to Easton. I only have to think about how his lips felt on mine, how his voice sounded when he whispered my name, and I get way too warm.
“Does it feel like nothing but attraction?” Zoe pulls her legs up and rests her chin on her knees.
“I don’t know. He’s my best friend. I’m not sure if there’s more to it than that. I’m completely overwhelmed by the whole thing. I don’t know what it feels like to be in love.”
“Wait—you’ve never been in love before?” Mae sounds so shocked that I almost laugh.
“No, it’s never happened.”
“It doesn’t just happen!”
“It’s not like I’ve never had a crush before. I’ve just never really been in love.”
“So how do you feel when you’re with Easton, or when you think about him?” Zoe takes the tub and sticks her spoon into the ice cream.
“If I knew that, everything would be so much easier. All I know is that I can’t lose him, and that’s why we have to stay friends,” I say and take a deep breath.
“It’s always been easy between us. We could talk about anything.
That’s what I need right now. Security. Easton is my anchor.
” I shrug helplessly. “I can’t risk losing that. ”
“But what if he has feelings for you?” Mae asks quietly, and I hate that she’s asking me the very question I’ve been trying to avoid since yesterday. I feel cold, and I don’t answer. But the words are there.
Then I wouldn’t know what to do.