Chapter Eleven #2
“I’ve got to go,” Jude says, looking at his phone.
“Look, think about it, okay? I missed you last night. The house isn’t the same without you.
I’m not the same. We belong together. We can work things out.
I know you still have feelings for me.” He dips his head to catch my eye, his lips curving up in a sexy smile.
I bite my lip, conscious that my heart still leaps when he looks at me like that. “I do,” I admit. “But I think it’s too late to rescue this sinking ship.”
“It’s not.” He speaks firmly. “Whatever you need from me, I’ll do it.”
Suddenly, I feel overwhelmingly tired. “You say that now, but after a few weeks we’ll just fall back into the same pattern, and nothing will have changed.”
“It will, because I know now that if I don’t change, I’ll lose you, and I don’t want to do that.”
I don’t reply, feeling sullen and resentful. I want to tell him what happened with Archer, because I know that’ll draw a line under our relationship. But I can’t, not in front of Kim.
He walks over to me and bends, and I freeze, not wanting him to kiss me. He sees my reaction and pauses, then presses his lips to my forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow at the Ark, providing you feel okay, and maybe we can talk then.”
I don’t say anything. He exchanges a glance with Kim, and then he heads over to the front door and goes out, closing the door behind him.
I stand motionless, watching through the window as he gets in his car, then reverses out and heads off down the drive. Finally, I look back at Kim.
“Thanks for the support,” I say sarcastically, unable to help myself.
She sips her tea. “I just don’t want you to throw away your relationship because you’ve seen what’s happened to me and Simon.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about last night,” I whisper.
She looks into her mug. “You’re going through enough. I didn’t want to influence you.”
“Yeah, you said that. But don’t you think it’s rather a big thing to keep to yourself?” I give her a pained look. “It’s really over? I thought you loved each other?”
Normally she’d have bit back with a feisty retort, but she just surveys me with quiet resignation. “I don’t think we do. Not the way we used to. I think what’s happened has killed what we had.”
“Kim, no…”
“I don’t think of him the same way anymore.
” Her eyes are clear. Her words aren’t provoked by emotion.
She’s obviously given this some thought.
“I know from the outside it looks as if it’s all my fault.
I pushed too hard. I made him feel as if children were more important than he was.
But I used to think he’d be by my side whatever.
That he’d support me one hundred percent, no matter what happened in our lives.
I thought we had this unbreakable love, better and stronger than anyone else’s.
But I was wrong. He’s weak, and I despise him for it. ”
I stare at her, shocked at the bitterness in her words. “He’s not weak.”
“He is. He talks to me like a child. Complaining because I don’t give him enough attention. Saying he’s exhausted from it all, when he doesn’t have to have the hormones and the injections. When he doesn’t hate himself, or the sight of his own blood, because it’s a symbol of his failure.”
Tears prick my eyes. “Don’t…”
“Last night, I tried to initiate sex. It’s been months since we slept together. And he said he didn’t want to, and he wasn’t sure if he ever wanted to again.”
Oh, what an awful thing to be told. “I’m so sorry.”
“Afterwards he apologized and said he didn’t mean it. But he did. I know he did. Do you know how that makes me feel?”
I don’t reply, because I can guess, but I wouldn’t presume to say I understand her pain.
“And right then, I realized I didn’t want him either, not really.
I said I did because I didn’t want to admit the marriage is over.
But it is. We don’t desire each other anymore.
The passion… it’s gone. And I know you could say it’ll come back, and maybe we should go to couples counseling, and have date night, and make an effort, but neither of us can be bothered.
It’s too late. And I didn’t tell you because I’m hoping that you catch it early, and you’re able to mend things with Jude before it gets this bad. ”
I sip my fruit tea, but I’d forgotten to tell her that I usually have honey in it.
It tastes bitter, and I wince and put the mug down.
“I get it, I really do. But my situation with Jude is very different from yours and Simon’s.
With us… it’s not just about having a family. It’s much bigger than that.”
“Maybe, but if you were to sort out this one thing perhaps everything else would fall into place.” Her expression is hopeful. She’s frightened she’s ruined my relationship as well as her own, and she wants to try to save mine so at least one of us is still happy.
“I think I’ll go for a walk,” I say. “I need to clear my head.”
“Beth…”
“I love you.” I walk up to her and give her a hug. “And I’m so, so sorry how things have turned out for you. I’ll talk to you later, and you can tell me what you’re thinking about doing. But right now, I need some time alone. Is that okay?”
She nods.
I pick up my phone and head out the front door.
Jude has gone. It’s a beautiful day, and I stride out, needing to get my body moving, feeling that the physical exertion will somehow force the stagnant energy that seems to be pooling in my body to flow.
My body begins to loosen as I walk, but it doesn’t stop my heart aching. Everything feels so complicated and unclear. I feel as if I’m up to my waist in quicksand, and there’s nothing to grab onto.
Or maybe there is. Archer is there, waiting to take my hand, but at the moment I’m not sure if he’s strong enough to pull me out. I know he wants me, but he’s not going to actively come and claim me because of Jude. I’m being pulled in two directions, and I feel as if I’m being torn apart.
I turn toward the beach and walk slowly along the path that shadows the road, the sea on my right. I wish Jude hadn’t come to the house today. All he’s done is muddy the waters, when what I wanted was clarity. And now the silt is all stirred up.
Head down, I keep walking, tired and despondent, wishing things were simple, and not such a complicated mess.