Chapter Thirteen
Beth
After talking to Archer, I go to work as normal.
Outwardly, I don’t think anyone can tell that I’m not myself. When everyone asks if I’m feeling better, I respond that I had a migraine but yes, I’m better today, give them a big smile, and get on with my job.
Inwardly, though, I feel as if I’m falling apart. I’m a roiling sea of emotions, and I’m perilously close to tears most of the time, which is unusual for me.
I try to give myself space and acceptance.
I’ve just broken up with my boyfriend of two-and-a-half years, so I’m allowed to be upset.
And it’s not as if it’s a clean break. He works at the same place, and we have lots of mutual friends.
Add that he’s told me he regrets what he said on Saturday, and that it looks as if my sister and her husband are going to split, and it’s no wonder I’m in a muddle.
So far, it doesn’t seem as if anyone knows about me and Jude.
Nobody at work mentions him, and there are no sideways glances or whispers behind hands.
It’s good in one way, but it also makes it difficult for me to ask around about finding a place to live.
I don’t want to stay at Kim and Simon’s when they obviously need time to sort out their own lives.
I don’t particularly want to live with anyone else either, but my options are limited until Jude and I sort out the house we were sharing.
I pay half the rent, and places in Sunrise Bay aren’t cheap.
As I go through the motions at work, I realize with some surprise that I’m not asking myself whether or not I want to continue with the relationship.
Despite Jude’s comment that ‘it’s not that I don’t want kids,’ I wasn’t comfortable with his complicated conversation about it being about the journey and not the destination.
His declaration that ‘sometimes your destination changes over time’ still suggests to me that he’s hoping I’d eventually cave and declare I don’t want a family.
And that’s not going to happen. I want children.
And I want a man who is open to the possibility from the start.
Do you want kids?
Oh yeah. When I meet the right girl.
Archer’s words bloom in my brain, and I stop in the middle of changing the bandage on a Yorkie’s leg and stare at the little dog. When I meet the right girl. Did he mean me?
He told me, I’m in love with you. But I keep my distance, because you’re dating my best friend. I’ve been so mixed up that I haven’t thought about it since Saturday. But now it sinks in like a seed tossed into rich soil, sending roots all the way down.
Archer is in love with me. And it sounds as if he has been since he met me.
It’s almost too much for my head to take in. It feels like having been shut in a walk-in freezer for two-and-a-half years, and now someone’s let me out into a baking-hot day.
No, that’s not fair. I blink and continue bandaging the dog’s leg. Jude isn’t cold. He hasn’t iced me out of the relationship. We don’t fit together, that’s all.
Do I fit with Archer?
My whole body flushes with unavoidable warmth. We fit together very well, from what I remember.
But it’s not only about being sexually compatible. Or the fact that he held me all through the night. It’s about… it’s about…
I shake my head the same way the Yorkie is doing.
I don’t know what it’s about. My brain has melted.
Saturday night was amazing, sensual, passionate, and fulfilling.
But it must be because I was tipsy, and it was a novelty, and exciting because it was new.
It wouldn’t be like that all the time if we were together.
Would it?
There’s nobody to answer my query, and so my brain rumbles around like a rickety carriage on uneven tracks, and soon it’s lunch, and I wander over to the break room to buy myself a sandwich and a coffee, and take it out into the garden to eat it.
I’m halfway through it when Jude walks in. Isla’s not here today, and although a few others are at the tables, talking quietly or reading, I’m sitting on my own.
Hoping he’ll take his lunch back to the Forever Home office, I keep my gaze down. But only a few minutes later, he approaches my table.
“Can I sit here?” he asks.
I look up at him. Today he’s dressed all in black again—black jeans, black tee.
It suits his dark hair, and he knows it.
He’s slender and muscular, and he has a tattoo on his left upper arm, because his grandfather was Māori, and he carries that thread of his culture proudly.
His dark hair is carefully styled to look as if he doesn’t have time to style it, even though it would have taken him a good fifteen minutes.
I was very lucky that he asked me out, as guys like him don’t usually glance my way.
I’ve enjoyed being his partner, and having other women give me jealous looks.
It’s not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship, but I’m tired, and he’s charming, and I know if I don’t leave, he’s going to talk me into moving back in with him.
As that thought enters my head, he lifts a hand to scratch his cheek, and the ring on his right hand glints in the sunlight. It’s like a signal, a sign. I’m not the love of his life, and he’s not mine, either.
“Sorry, I’m heading back to work,” I say, getting to my feet.
“No, you’re not.” He looks at my half-eaten sandwich. “Come on, you can spare me five minutes.”
I meet his gaze, conscious of the others in the garden, knowing they’ll spot any sign of friction between us.
“We need to talk,” he murmurs. “Sort things out.” His dark eyes are bewitching, beguiling.
I think of Archer, and the way he held me all night, and it gives me strength. “We will,” I say quietly. “But not yet.” And taking my sandwich and coffee, I walk back into the building.
The rest of the day passes peacefully enough. I don’t see Jude again. I don’t hear from Archer either, which doesn’t surprise me as I know he’s super-busy.
At the end of the day, I walk slowly back to Kim’s place, reluctant to go in. I need to find somewhere else to live, but I can’t seem to summon the energy to look. I’m so tired. I feel emotionally drained.
I know why. My relationship with Jude is an anchor attached to my ankle, and it’s metaphorically dragging me down into the murky depths.
Before I do anything—before I look for another place, before I even think about Archer—I need to free myself.
I have to summon the courage to talk to Jude and be strong in my convictions.
Not let him talk me around with promises of things he’ll never deliver.
Tomorrow, I think. Tomorrow, I’ll text and ask to meet him after work, and I’ll tell him then that it’s over.
Having made that promise to myself, I have dinner with Kim and Simon, then, unable to bear the frosty atmosphere, I go to my room and watch TV for a while before falling into a sound sleep.
*
The next day, I wake feeling determined. I’m going to do this. Before I do anything else, I text Jude. I think about what to say first, then type it quickly and send it before I have a chance to doubt myself.
Morning, are you on days? Wondered if you’d be free to go for a walk after work today.
I get in the shower while I wait for him to reply. When I get out, as I dry myself, I read his message. Yeah I’m in. Lunch would be better for me.
I grit my teeth. I don’t want to have to go back to work after our talk. I reply, Can’t, sorry, busy day. 5pm by the gate?
He comes back, Can we make it 5.15?
Me: Fine
He doesn’t reply.
Irritated for no good reason, I get ready and head to the Ark.
About an hour in, I wonder whether his idea was the better one, as I’m finding it hard to concentrate with the thought of our upcoming talk.
But I stick to my guns and do my best to throw myself into my work.
Luckily, I have to help Stefan with a difficult operation on a Labrador’s hip, and I don’t get much time to dwell on my personal life.
Just before midday, Stefan finally finishes the operation, and we both clean up. He checks his watch and says, “Okay, I’ve got to head off. I’ve got a meeting.” He gives me a mischievous look. “If your ears are burning, it’s because you’re on the agenda.”
My eyebrows rise. “Me? Why?”
“I’m meeting Noah, Leon, and Archer to talk about staffing for PAWS. I understand he’s offered you a job.”
My mouth forms an O, and my face flushes. “Um… yes. I’m so sorry, I should have mentioned it. I know he’s worried about poaching the Ark’s staff.”
He looks surprised, then says, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel awkward. We’re hopeful that we can all continue to act as one big family, maybe even with some of the staff moving between the two places to cover for one another.”
Relief washes over me. “What a great idea.”
“Yeah, we thought so.” He washes his hands. “What would you be doing there? Vet nurse?”
“He’s offered me Senior Veterinary Nurse, overseeing the animal welfare standards. And he said I could design handling protocols for the therapy animals.”
“Ah, that sounds amazing. You’re a great veterinary nurse—you work hard and you’re so good with the animals. I hope you’ll stay on our books though, maybe provide some relief cover if we’re ever short staffed?”
“I’d like that a lot, thank you.” I’m so relieved that the two places are happy to work together. That will make Archer feel better.
We walk out of Ward Seven and into the reception area, and stop as we see Frieda, the receptionist, and a couple of others standing by the window, looking out at the Quad.
“What’s going on?” Stefan asks.
“It’s Archer and Jude,” Frieda says. “There’s something wrong.”
Cold filters through me as if I’ve drunk a glass of ice-cold water. Stefan goes over to the window and looks out, then strides to the door, yanks it open, and goes out into the Quad. I follow, my heart banging against my ribs.