Chapter Twenty-One
Beth
I cycle slowly along the path beside the beach. It’s a warm evening, and the clouds are hanging heavy on the horizon, threatening rain. The sky is the color of an eggplant to the east, pumpkin to the west. I head south, back to the Ark and the cottage.
It’s been a great temporary place to stay, but I’m going to have to find myself somewhere more permanent soon.
Especially now that I might have a baby to look after.
If I don’t have a miscarriage. Years of watching my sister try to get pregnant have made it abundantly clear that it’s a real possibility.
But I can’t just wait to see if I miscarry.
I need to make a decision as to whether I’m going to go ahead with the pregnancy.
My eyes feel hot and scratchy in their sockets as I think about Archer’s reaction. When I’d first seen the positive result on the testing stick, I’d hoped he might be pleased after his initial surprise had worn off. But when I saw his face as he processed the news, I realized how naive I’d been.
He’s so kind, gentle, and considerate that I’ve been thinking of him like the perfect guy, a knight in shining armor with a heart of gold, sweeping in to rescue me.
But he’s not perfect. He’s just a man. A man who has an incredibly strong sense of right and wrong, and who sets himself such high standards that it’s no surprise he fails to meet them at times. I love him for that, and I’m not going to blame him for his reaction.
But I am disappointed in it. Maybe what we had was real, but it wasn’t strong enough to survive real life. I’ve been living in a dream world, and now it’s time to pull on my big girl pants, be a grownup, and work out what I’m going to do about this mess on my own.
Gosh, what a scary thought.
Am I really brave enough to bring a baby into this world alone?
I know Archer will be supportive. I have no doubt that when he’s had time to think about it, his responsible side will kick in, and he’ll help me as much as he can.
He’ll come to the antenatal clinics, and he’ll help me choose a name, and maybe he’ll even be there at the birth.
But that’s not the same as being with me.
Being together. The baby has shone a light on our relationship and revealed it to be like a soap bubble—beautiful but ephemeral, a moment in time, perfect and yet with no substance at all.
I’ve been stupidly romantic in thinking of it as some kind of fairy tale, as if we were meant to be, destined for eternity together.
We were in soft focus, and now we’re in the harsh spotlight, blinking and realizing it for what it is.
An affair that was pleasurable, but purely physical.
As I cycle past PAWS, a hot tear scalds down my face. I dash it away impatiently, not wanting to break down before I get home. Not much further now. I’ll get in, have a good cry, drink half a bottle of wine, and crash out.
Except… shit. I shouldn’t drink wine now I’m pregnant, should I? Argh. Another reason not to go ahead with this baby.
Immediately, I wince at the cavalier statement. Honestly, I scold myself, turning into the Ark and cycling up the drive. I’m ashamed of myself, even if nobody else can hear my thoughts.
The Ark is mostly in darkness, as the vets will all have gone home.
Ward Seven is lit up to the left, because there’s always someone there looking after the animals recovering from operations.
And there’s also a light shining through the windows of the Forever Home, as someone always stays with the rescue animals.
At that moment, I see someone sitting on the bench at the front of the Quad, looking out at the view. It’s Jude. Of course it is. Damn it. He’s the last person I want to see right now.
He’s having a cigarette. I know he used to smoke, although he’d stopped before I met him, but seeing it now makes my stomach twist. I slow the bike as I near the Quad, not really wanting to talk, but feeling as if I can’t pass him without speaking.
“Hey,” he says. He’s leaning back, one arm along the back of the seat, an ankle resting on the other knee.
He’s still one of the best-looking guys I’ve ever met in real life.
Oddly, though, I miss Archer’s blue eyes and beard, his tall, strong frame, and steady gaze, and I realize I find Jude lacking now.
It’s unusual to see anyone smoking at the Ark, and I can’t help but frown at the cigarette.
“Don’t glare,” he says. “It calms me down.”
“It’s none of my business what you do anymore,” I point out. “Anyway, why do you need to calm down? What’s up?”
He just shrugs. Then he says, “You heading back to the cottage?”
“Yeah.”
He nods. “You’ve been with Archer, I guess?”
His voice is flat, and I bristle. “It’s none of your business.”
He has a puff, then tips his head back and exhales, studying my face. “What’s up? You look upset.”
There are a hundred people more suitable for me to confess to. But none of them are in front of me, and I can’t stop my eyes filling with tears.
He frowns. “You okay?”
“Not really.” I wipe beneath my eyes. “I’m pregnant.”
His eyebrows rise. He stares at me while I wipe my cheeks again, cursing that the tears keep falling. Maybe he’s thinking back, calculating how long ago we slept together.
“Don’t worry,” I say flatly. “It’s not yours.”
He gives a short, harsh laugh. “Right.” His voice is as bitter as coffee, heavy with hurt. Talk about dog in the manger. He didn’t want me, but he doesn’t want anyone else to have me.
Suddenly, I feel overwhelmingly tired. “We didn’t do it to spite you, Jude. Nobody’s happy about it, least of all me and Archer.”
He’s quiet for a moment, and I shift on the bike, getting ready to move on. But then his expression softens, and he says, “It’ll have been a shock. He takes a while to process stuff. Give him some time.”
I swallow hard. “I don’t know. It’s all such a fucking mess.” I wipe beneath my eyes again. I’m not crying, but they just keep leaking.
He thinks for a moment. Has another puff of the cigarette and blows out the smoke.
Then he says, “I was thinking about when the two of you first met at that party. I introduced you and you shook hands, and then you wandered off to talk to a friend. He watched you go, and he had this odd look on his face. I thought maybe he recognized you from somewhere, and I said, ‘Have you seen her before?’ He stared at you for a few seconds longer, then looked at me, and he switched on his smile and said, ‘Nah, she seems nice though,’ and changed the subject. But I think he fell in love with you at that moment.” He taps the cigarette, causing some ash to fall onto the grass.
“It pissed me off at the time. But I saw it.”
I take a shivery breath and wipe my face. “Oh God, don’t…”
“He’ll come around. Just give him time.”
I can’t stop the tears falling. “I have to go.”
He doesn’t say anything, and he doesn’t try to stop me. He just has another puff of the cigarette and blows the smoke into the night air.
I cycle off, go around the Ark, and head towards the cottage. I can hardly see where I’m going because of my tears, and I almost run over the person standing on the path in front of me.
“Whoa!” It’s Noah, out walking his dogs, and he catches the handlebars of the bike as I bowl into him. “Careful!”
“God, I’m so sorry.” I half fall off the bike, and he catches me and helps me to my feet.
“Hey,” he says, “what’s up?”
I burst into tears and bury my face in his shoulder.
“Oh dear.” He rubs my arm. “Come on, let’s get you to the house. Abby’s just putting Ethan to bed, but she’ll be done in a minute.”
“I don’t want to bother you…” I squeak.
“It’s no bother. Come on.” For the second time in as many weeks, he walks me the short distance to his house.
He props my bike out the front against the wall, opens the door, and lets the two German Shepherds run in, trying not to get run over by Spike in his wheelchair. Then he leads me inside.
“Come on,” he says, “you need a drink. Brandy? Whiskey?”
I wrap my arms tightly around myself. “I shouldn’t. I’m pregnant.”
His eyebrows shoot up. “Ohhh… Right.” He clears his throat. “Okay. I’ll put the kettle on. Come and sit down.” He leads me into the living room and pushes the box of tissues over to me.
At that moment, Abby comes out of the hallway to the bedrooms and stops in surprise as she sees me. “Beth!” She looks in alarm at Noah. “What’s going on?”
“Ahhh… I found Beth and she was a bit upset, so I brought her home. She… ahhh… didn’t want a drink because she’s pregnant.”
Abby’s jaw drops. “Beth!” She runs over to me, sits beside me, and puts her arm around me. “Oh goodness! Are you okay?”
I put my face in my hands and sob.
“I’ll make some tea,” Noah says.
“Make it the ginger and lemon one,” Abby tells him.
She squeezes my shoulders. “It’s really good for morning sickness.
I didn’t have any when I was pregnant with Ethan, but this time it’s been quite rough.
I’m blaming Noah.” Ethan was her previous partner’s, but now she’s about five months pregnant by Noah with her second child.
I try hard to get my tears under control while Noah makes the tea. When they finally calm, I wipe my face and blow my nose hard. “I’m so sorry,” I say to Abby. “You must be tired of me keep turning up in bits.”
“Not at all. I’m just pleased we can be here to help.” She rubs my back. “When you did find out?”
“I first guessed on Monday, but I took the test today.”
“It’s Archer’s?”
I nod. “I’ve just told him.”
Her brows draw together. “He didn’t react well?”