Chapter 6
CHAPTER 6
E MILY
My hands shake as I watch Trina and Charlie drive away. I know something is up with Teddy—he’s always been easy for me to read. When he’s happy, he’s usually elated. But when he’s upset, sad, or stressed, it’s written all over his face and radiates from his tense posture. That’s the Teddy I see today.
“Let’s go sit on the back porch. I’ll grab us some sweet tea, okay?” I smile at Teddy, trying to ease whatever burden it is that he carries. He nods at me, and we head into the house.
Teddy continues through to the porch to wait for me, and I make my way to the kitchen to get our drinks.
“It’s fine Emily. Obviously, something happened and he’s upset, but I’m sure he didn’t lose his job or something that bad. Even if he did, you have a good job starting soon. It’ll be fine,” I mutter to myself while pouring our tea.
When I get out back, Teddy is sitting on the edge of one of Trina’s patio chairs staring straight ahead. I set his glass of tea on the table between the chairs and sit down. It’s a gorgeous August day, not too hot and a light breeze in the air. The distant sound of children at play in the neighborhood surrounds us.
“Here you go. I added some extra sugar, just how you like it.”
Teddy looks over at me, and I notice the dark shadows under his eyes, the redness rimming his lids.
“Thanks.” His voice is a near whisper.
Teddy takes a sip of his tea, swallows, then clears his throat. He stares at the ground.
“I have to tell you something. And it’s bad, babe. Terrible.” His clasped hands rest on his lap, trembling.
Never, in all the years I’ve known him, have I seen him like this.
Suddenly, I can’t hear the children anymore. I can only hear the pounding of my heart in my ears.
“Teddy, what is it? You’re… You’re scaring me. Are you sick? Are you in trouble?”
A harsh, sarcastic laugh escapes him, and he runs his hand through his hair.
“Sick. Yeah, that’s one way to put it, but not in the way you’re thinking.”
He takes a deep breath, lifts his head, and turns to look at me.
I focus my gaze on his face as I look for some hint of what he’s going to say, like knowing a split second before he says it might somehow lessen how bad the news is.
He takes one of my hands in his. “Em, I love you with everything I am. My heart, my soul… my body. I want you to remember that when I tell you what I did.”
A film of moisture is building in his eyes and I my stomach drops.
“Teddy, please?—”
“Wait. Please let me get this out while I have the nerve,” he says.
I nod and he sighs.
“I’ve been very down this summer, worse than I ever have been before. I hid it from you the two times you came home, but it’s been almost unbearable.” He lets go of my hand and stands, then paces back and forth across the porch. The creaking of the wooden floorboards under his feet is deafening.
I glue my eyes to him, watching his face, his mannerisms, memorizing everything about him before he tells me something that I fear might change how I look at him.
“Last Friday, I got in another big blow-up with my parents and my dad uninvited me from my mom’s fiftieth birthday party.”
“God, Teddy. I’m so sorry.”
“I did something really stupid. I went out with Griffith to a party at his uncle’s lake house.”
“What?” I’m overwhelmed with a wave of confusion. “I thought you don’t talk to him anymore?”
Griffith is a perpetual partier that Teddy was friends with in high school and nothing good ever came of Teddy hanging out with him. Nothing.
I don’t like where this is going.
“I don’t. I mean, I didn’t. But I ran into him a few weeks ago and we’ve hung out a few times this summer.” He sighs deeply, then continues. “After the fight with my parents on Friday, I went to the party.” He stops in front of me and leans back on the porch railing, his gaze now fixed on me. “I’ve been drinking a lot when I’ve been with him, and Friday it went further. I’d had several drinks, and someone was offering us… They were offering us Molly.”
I don’t mean to, but I gasp. He wouldn’t, not after trying it that one time in high school. He just wouldn’t.
“D-did you take it?” I whisper.
Teddy casts his eyes down in shame. “I’m sorry, Em, but I did. I was desperate to feel happy and I took it.” He quickly adds, “The sadness has been so overwhelming lately. I tried to fight the impulse to do it, but I just couldn’t.”
I’m stunned speechless.
He got so ill when he took that in high school and swore he’d never try it again. He promised.
Teddy reaches over and grabs the arm of the other patio chair, pulling it into position in front of me, and he sits down so we’re facing each other, our knees touching. He takes both my hands in his.
I was wrong when I said it wasn’t too hot out here.
Suddenly, the air around me feels oppressively warm as I try to pull it into my lungs.
“That’s not all.” He hesitates, then clears his throat.
“What more could there possibly be, Teddy? You promised me you’d never mess with drugs again. You could have gotten hurt.” I fight back tears that threaten to spill over my eyelids.
“I was drunk and high—euphoric. Everyone was dancing, and we kept drinking. I was dancing with a girl, one of Griff’s friends, and the last thing I remember is…” He tightens his grip on my hands.
My heart pounds against my chest wall, like it’s trying to escape.
Don’t say it.
“The last thing I remember is us kissing. I’m not sure who started it, but I didn’t stop it.” His speech is so fast now, like he just needs to vomit this out and be done with it. “I woke up the next morning in a strange bed, with the girl. Without our clothes on.”
I rip my hands out of his and grip my head, pushing my fingertips into my skull, convinced this is a nightmare I have to wake myself up from. When that doesn’t work, I rock back and forth, trying to soothe the panic rising in my chest. The air surrounding me feels suffocating.
“Em… say something.” Teddy’s voice is soft, wary, like he’s talking to a frightened child.
He places his hands on my legs, just below where my shorts end, and his touch sears my skin.
Bile rises in my throat.
“No! Don’t touch me.” I propel my chair back, trying to get out of his reach. The visceral scraping of the metal legs against the wooden deck further pulling me from my shock. “No, no, no, no!”
I leap out of my seat.
“You cheated on me?” I hiss. “You fucking cheated on me after more than six years together, Teddy? Has this happened before?”
“What the hell? No. Of course not.” He has the audacity to act stunned and hurt by my question.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did that hurt your feelings? You know what hurts my feelings? You fucking someone else! That’s what hurts me.” I’m screaming at him now and I don’t care who hears.
I walk back and forth across the porch while he stares at me.
“I can’t believe this. This can’t be happening,” I mutter to myself.
When I approach near where he’s sitting, Teddy stands and steps in front of me.
It stops me in my tracks.
“Emily, please. Let’s sit back down and talk. We can figure out how to fix this, babe.”
“What?” I whisper. I back away from him. “Teddy, this is not fixable. You betrayed me.”
His face falls and his mouth hangs open. “Y-you can’t mean that. No. I love you.”
“Well, I hate you!” I snarl.
He reels back like I smacked him.
Rage floods through my veins like a tsunami. I’ve given him so many years of my life. Jesus, so many of my firsts. My first love, my first kiss—yep, I didn’t get my first kiss until I was sixteen years old. My virginity.
Hot tears of pain and anger pour down my cheeks and I grow even more furious that he sees me cry.
“Em…” He steps toward me again, tears now flowing down his face.
“Leave. Now.” My tone is sharp, but I wish I could make it sharp enough to cut him, to hurt him like he’s hurt me. I want to see his emotions bleeding all over the ground like mine are. He’s emotionally eviscerated me.
He moves to step toward me, reaching for me, and I push my hand against his chest, stopping him.
“Please, go.” My energy is quickly waning and I’m not sure how much longer the anger will fuel me. I sense a meltdown coming and I don’t want him here when it happens.
Teddy stares at me for several long, uncomfortable seconds.
“I’ll go. I don’t want to hurt you more. I’m so sorry, Emily. You’re everything to me and I’m so, so fucking sorry.”
And with that, he walks away.
As soon as he’s gone, my breathing becomes erratic and rapid. Dizziness consumes me and queasiness grips my stomach. I rush over to the porch rail and lean over it, then lose the contents of my stomach. The heaving seems never-ending and just when I’m convinced it isn’t going to subside, it finally does.
I stumble over to Trina’s glider and collapse on it, curling myself into a fetal position. I sob uncontrollably for what seems like forever.
And that’s how Trina and Charlie find me over an hour later.