CHAPTER SIXTEEN
There used to be a time when a phone call from Em was a normal part of his day.
There had also been text chains, one with Connor and one just for the two of them, but phone calls were something else.
It didn't matter whether they'd seen each other in-person that day or not, their nightly check-ins were a tradition.
A way of preserving some normalcy in their lives and in their friendship when fame had made everything tilt out of alignment and nobody else seemed to get it, including Connor, who dove head-first into the whirlwind and claimed to love it.
Then, once everything had gone to shit, Em suggested they put their phone calls on hold.
"No pun intended," she'd tried for a joke as they lingered on the sidewalk next to her car that night.
Alex's heart was breaking over the impossibility of continuing like this for even a day longer and the impossibility of saying goodbye at the same time.
"We'll pick them up again, but I don't think we should… "
Alex nodded, even as she drifted off, looking away. "Yeah, you're right."
They'd never resumed those calls. They'd talked every once in a while after that initial months-long break, and they'd met up a few times, but they'd never returned to how things were, before.
They couldn't.
Still, while those calls had become something rare, Em's ID on his phone used to at least bring a smile on his face, even if they always had to suffer through an initial bout of awkwardness before things smoothened out.
Now, though, Em calling meant only one thing: a disruption. Alex wouldn't call it "trouble", unable to think of Boo in those terms, but disruption fit the situation quite nicely, since with every call, there came a shift in Alex's mood, his plans, or even his life as a whole.
As if the last 24 hours weren't a big deal on their own—with Alex going to Ian, seeing him again and asking for help, and now having Ian here, in his space. Watching Ian meet Boo. Basking in his presence even though he shouldn't—
"I can take him, if you want," Ian's voice brought Alex back into here and now, and he hesitated for a second, maybe two, before slowly handing Boo over.
His baby.
Now cradled in Ian's arms.
Alex was having trouble breathing.
The phone was still ringing in his hand, though, and there was nothing else left to do but pick it up, was there?
Whenever Em called, Alex would answer—a tale as old as their friendship.
"Hey," he offered as he picked up, turning away from where his son was quickly becoming even more enamored with Ian.
Alex couldn't watch that and remain sane.
Absolutely not.
"Hey," Em's voice came barely above a whisper and if Boo was still crying, Alex wouldn't have been able to hear her at all. "I hope I'm not interrupting."
With a sigh, he leaned against the counter in the kitchen. Em had never asked about Boo specifically, but Alex wasn't going to pretend his son wasn't there.
"We're done with breakfast, so I can talk now. What is it? What happened?"
She cleared her throat and he could tell she'd been crying. Shit.
She wasn't regretting her choices, was she? Because Alex was so sure when Ian had asked earlier, but what if he was wrong, after all?
"I've been good," Em said, interrupting his trip towards the land of worst case scenarios. "I've gone back to the studio, I have a few things lined up."
Alex nodded. "That's great."
And it was. She'd been worried that the break she'd taken would end her shot at her second act, so it was a relief to hear it wasn't so.
"I know you told me it would be okay, but…"
"But you told me nothing's promised in this industry," he finished when she paused. "And you weren't wrong, either. I'm glad we both ended up being right, though."
"Yeah, me too." She took a deep breath he could hear over the line. "But there's something else. Connor called me."
The tension ricocheted through Alex's whole body. "What?"
Not again, he thought, but before he could say anything else, he heard Boo's whimper and that brought him back quickly. He exchanged looks with Ian, who clearly knew what he was doing with a baby, and Alex headed towards the staircase, needing to get away.
Needing to put some space between his son and whatever drama Connor Douglas always brought with him.
"It's nothing bad," Emily was saying as Alex climbed the stairs two at the time.
Oh, but it always is.
"He's been out of rehab for a few months now," she continued when Alex managed to keep his mouth shut. "He's clean and he's sticking with it. He says he's not even tempted these days."
He's lying. He's obviously lying, how can you keep falling for the same things over and over again?
"He thought so before," Alex said instead the moment he closed his bedroom door behind him.
"Why can't you be happy for him, even a little?"
Hearing her tone, Alex sat down heavily in the armchair near the window.
"Em, I don't want to get into this with you, okay?
I told you more than once, I'd be happy for Connor if he got clean, stayed clean, and figured his life in a new way.
I honestly would. But it's not fair to blame me for not trusting that he will. "
"I know, I know." She lowered her voice again. "I don't want to fight about that."
"Good. I don't want to fight about that, either."
"I guess I—" She paused and he could almost see her, tugging at her sleeves as she hesitated. "I really want that for him."
"I know," Alex whispered. "You were always the most tenderhearted of the three of us."
"We all were," she argued, but it was playful now. An old argument that never hurt, not like the rest of them. "Just in different ways."
Alex hummed instead of agreeing, and for a minute they sat there in silence.
"He asked if I would meet with him."
Closing his eyes, Alex wished he was anywhere but here, having this conversation. He should be downstairs, with Boo, and with Ian.
"You think I should say no," Em continued, once again close to a whisper, and Alex sighed.
"I do."
"But—"
"Em," he said, cutting her off, because he was suddenly tired, and sad, and he wanted to get back downstairs already. "You knew what I was going to say. You knew, and you're still going to do what you want. So, why are you calling?"
There was silence on the other end for a moment, and then he could hear her sniffing.
"You know there's still no one else who knows me as well as you do? No one."
Once upon a time, he would have said the same about her, but he hoped it was no longer true. He'd changed and grown over the years, and while he was far from perfect, he wasn't the same guy he was back when their lives were enmeshed.
"That's a sign for you to start letting people in more—new people, good people, not the two stupid boys you've known since you were fifteen and had no idea you should aim for better."
"I don't regret a thing, though," she told him quietly. "I don't."
Alex's gaze fell on Boo's crib and he chose to hear what he wanted her to mean—not the endless Connor drama, not even their music career, but that she didn't regret having Boo and giving him to Alex.
That was what he cared about the most. That was what mattered.
"He asked a bunch of things about me, you know?
" she went on, and Alex closed his eyes again.
"He was curious about where I've been and stuff.
And I didn't say anything I wouldn't have said in an interview, for now, but if he's truly sober and stable, and he asks again, I don't want to lie.
I think I can tell him about the pregnancy and—"
"What?" Alex sat up at that, tense all over again. "Em, you can't tell him. We talked about this, and you agreed."
"I'm obviously not going to tell him we slept together or anything! I don't mean that part, but the surrogacy part. Because I was the one who was pregnant, Alex! I can't just skip over it like it was nothing because you don't want Connor to know anything about you!"
She started to cry right after she was done shouting, and Alex felt a pang of sympathy for her, he did, but she couldn't be his priority right now—or ever again.
And it had to be okay, because he'd never been hers, either.
"You may think of me whatever you want and you can even make me the bad guy in all of this.
It wouldn't have been the first time, after all," he added before he could help himself.
He'd moved past that a long time ago, and they hadn't talked about it for even longer, but that didn't mean he didn't remember.
"It's a familiar play, Em, one where you suddenly blame me for things as soon as Connor re-enters the picture once again.
But what's unfamiliar this time is that you're risking the safety of a little boy I've been trying to keep away from the spotlight.
I'm doing my best to keep him safe, Emily, and Connor Douglas knowing about him is the opposite of that. "
"He's not going to do anything, Jesus. I know he made some mistakes—"
"Em, I'm serious about this." Alex pressed a hand to his chest and let out a slow exhale.
"Legally, you can't tell him the whole truth, so I don't see why you need to tell him even the surrogacy part.
He hasn't earned that. I know it's hard for you to hear, but he hasn't.
You haven't even seen him in years, and now you want to tell him your whole life story and for what?
" Alex clenched his phone harder. "For what? "
"I want him to know me again," she whispered. "The real me."
"So tell him about your music, your hopes, your plans. Show him around that garden you told me you planted. You don't owe him every piece of your story."
She really didn't owe Connor anything, but she would never believe that.
"But it is my story."
Alex nodded. "It is. I'm not denying that.
You always said you didn't want a pregnancy or a child to define you, though, and they don't. You made decisions that were true to you and you don't need to explain them to anyone.
" He paused, frustrated to be forced into a role he never wanted to play.
"Also, I'm not going to feel bad for reminding you what you agreed to.
Half of it was your idea in the first place, and you know it.
I'm not trying to force you into anything, here.
I'm reminding you of what was our joint decision.
Neither of us can talk about most of it with anyone who doesn't fall under a specific set of circumstances and Connor doesn't fit that bill.
I get that I have more wiggle room as a legal parent, but you knew that and you agreed that it made sense.
You had a lawyer advising you and she said the same thing. "
"Well, I didn't know how it would feel, being unable to talk with anyone about this!"
"Come on, Em, you know it's not about that.
You have a few people you can talk to. You just want to tell your story to him specifically, even though he's the guy who broke your heart so many times you probably wouldn't be able to count them all.
" Alex paused, blinking back tears. The lying, the stealing, the cruel fights, none of it was enough for her to understand that Connor Douglas was no longer the boy they'd known in their teenage years.
"I get that it's hard. I do. But you keep trying to make him into a person he isn't. Or maybe you're trying to hurt him this time, I don't even know—"
"I don't want to hurt him!"
"You want to tell him you had my child, one way or another," Alex told her bluntly.
"He hates my guts and you know this, and you want to tell him you gave me something special, something you sacrificed for, and something you haven't ever given anyone else.
If he's not going to get mad, he's going to be hurt. "
Either option meant a possible relapse—or worse—and they both knew that. They'd been down this road before. Now, Alex swallowed hard against the tightness in his throat before he continued.
"I don't think you really want that. If you want to punish him, cut him off. Everyone knows he doesn't deserve you. But don't do it like this. And please, please, don't pull me and especially my son into it. We don't deserve that, either."
He ended the call and sagged onto the bed, pressing his knuckles against his eyes.
Fuck. Fuck it all to hell.
He allowed himself a few seconds to breathe through it, but then he rolled himself up onto his feet.
He didn't have to waste any more time on the never-ending drama of his former bandmates and best friends.
While it had taken a long time, he'd left it behind, and nothing had helped more than his son, who was now waiting for him downstairs.
That's who should have Alex's full attention. Boo and—
Boo, period, he told himself firmly as he went down the stairs. Don't push your luck.
Then he halted in his steps as soon as he saw them. Boo was resting on Ian's chest, curled in with his face tucked against Ian's neck, and Ian was sitting back on the couch, half-lying, with his hands on Boo's little body, almost engulfing him in his hold.
Alex clasped the railing so hard his hand ached, but he hardly noticed it as his heart rearranged itself in his chest yet again.
He'd thought he knew. He'd thought he understood what those two people meant to him. He'd been wrong. Seeing them like this, together, was reshaping his world as he stood there, staring, too stunned to utter a word.
How many life-altering moments a person could handle in a little more than a year? Because Alex hadn't been ready for any of them, and he definitely wasn't ready now, either.
He'd already figured out that his love for Boo would only grow—exponentially so, which was ridiculous, really, when he'd been so convinced he couldn't love the little guy any more than he'd already had.
But Ian… What were the odds of getting a third chance from a man like this?
After all, while Alex might have had a good reason to leave both times, he didn't have a good one to stay away and he knew that.
They both did.
Besides, Ian was here to do a job. Whatever Alex might want from him aside from that didn't matter. Couldn't matter.
If only his heart understood that, too.