Chapter 30
It has been two weeks since I broke up with Theo, and my world has never looked more bleak. The only person holding me together is Cheyenne—as always. She decided that I was working myself to the bone and demanded that I take time off so we could go on a trip together. Outside of Washington State. Where I don’t have to worry about anything anymore. So, like the good friend that I am, I switched my shifts around and traded with other people so I could have the weekend off. I’m definitely going to regret it later, but I know I need it right now. I need to put myself first for once.
This trip is the perfect time to contemplate my choices and to think about what I want out of life. To really sit and think about it. And I know Cheyenne will demand I do it, and then she will help me through it too. I personally don’t like to think much about the future. It scares me. But I need to make some serious decisions; unfortunately, they involve that.
I’ve realized that not only am I not happy with my life, but I’ve clearly made a mistake. I just don’t know how to fix it. I feel like I’m too late. The truth is, I wouldn’t forgive me either. I’ve been an asshole, and I doubted him. I didn’t trust him. I all but tossed him aside. I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t thinking clearly, but it doesn’t matter because I fucked up.
Since running from Robert, I’ve told myself I wouldn’t let anyone else in—to protect myself. Mind, body, heart, and soul. It’s not that I’m scared someone will break my heart again. I’m more scared that I will attract the same kind of man as him. I’m afraid that someone will slither into my life under the pretense that they’re madly in love with me, just to turn around and start the vicious cycle of violence. I’ll believe it for a while, that they’re in love with me. But then, after the apologies, I will feel empty, and I will be. My cup was always running low with Robert; it was never half full, just dry. And his apologies? They were never real.
I know Theo is different though, logically at least. But it’s hard to not only trust another man, but also trust myself enough to make coherent decisions. It took me years to get out of my relationship with Robert, and I only did it when I was left with no choice. So what the hell makes me think I could make responsible decisions for myself? The answer is that I don’t trust myself to do it. I also don’t know that I would leave a man with red flags, because clearly I’m color blind if I stayed with that asshole for that long. But Theo? He’s green flags all around, and while I know that, I think it’s even scarier than if he was a walking red flag.
Cheyenne grabs my cold hand, squeezing it and interlacing our fingers as we walk the trail at Rocky Mountain National Park. We decided to come to Estes Park, Colorado, for some views and rest, but resting is the one thing I’m not getting to do. She wants to explore, and of course, it involves the outdoors.
“Don’t be a whore, Bai,” she all but growls, tugging me closer to her side. “We’re not leaving. The trail is less than a mile.”
“But I don’t want to keep walking anymore.” I pout, and she rolls her eyes. To be fair, we’ve been on three different trails today, and this is the easiest one. I’m just tired. I want to go back to the hotel.
“Bear Lake Trail is the easiest one in the whole park.”
“I want to sit.” I pull away from her, jump on a giant boulder, and sit on it. My feet hang off it, close to the water, and I face forward as she sits beside me.
The views are picturesque, with the lake in front of us and all the pine trees around us. We’re deep in the forest while at the same time being so close to civilization. It’s beautiful, but as I sit here in silence, I realize I wish I could share it with him.
“I fucked up, didn’t I?” I whisper, and Chey gets closer to me until she rests her head on my shoulder.
She hums. “You know you did.” I nod slowly, and my eyes sting with unshed tears. “The question is: what are you going to do about it?”
“I don’t know,” I reply immediately. “I don’t think he wants to see me again, and I don’t blame him.”
If only I had stayed when he begged, we could’ve saved each other so much pain. My biggest regret is knowing how he got on his knees for me and pleaded, but I didn’t listen. I was too blind and scared to see what was right in front of me—the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
I don’t know how we got here, but I know the exact moment I fell in love with him. Watching The Summer I Turned Pretty and eating chocolate cake. I should’ve told him then and never kept him in the dark. I should’ve told him I was scared too, instead of disposing of him like trash. There’s a lot I should’ve done differently, and none of it I can change now.
“There’s only one way you can find out if he will see you or not.” I sigh as she nudges me. “You have to talk to him.”
“I’m scared.”
But is this what I want? What I truly want? To live in fear for the rest of my life? Or can I put the fear aside for a moment and let myself experience life again? Let myself love again?
“Love is always terrifying,” Cheyenne replies softly, and I fist my hands on top of my knees. “And it’s okay to be scared…but then you have to think about what you really want and conquer those fears. What do you want, Bailey?”
“I want to be brave,” I whisper as tears trail down my face. “I want to be happy even if it hurts me.”
Cheyenne nods.
“I want him.”
Those words bring light into my life once more, but not only that, I do physically feel lighter. More free. Like what has happened with Robert still hasn’t given him power over me. I have a man in my life who loves me, and I’m done being scared of loving him back. I’m freaking done.
It doesn’t matter that Robert has ruined me in more ways than one, that I’ve been running from men since I ran from him. Because Theo took me in, grabbed a hold of my battered and bruised heart, and decided that he’d somehow put it back together. And he did.
“I have an idea, but you’re going to have to be open-minded.” Chey says, and I turn my face to look at her. She’s grinning, and I narrow my eyes. “Say you’ll have an open mind, Bai.”
“I’ll have an open mind.” I roll my eyes but smile.
“You’re going to go knock on his door, and you’re going to beg on those pretty little knees for him to take you back.”
I frown, “And if he doesn’t?” She scoffs as if that’s the most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard. “What then? I embarrassed myself for no reason?”
“If he doesn’t, then you offer a trial period.” Cheyenne seems to be winging this, or maybe she’s given it deep thought. I don’t know. She’s not even hesitating. But she sounds insane, as usual. “Seven days to prove to him that you’re sorry.”
“That sounds…like a good idea.” I nod slowly. “But what would I do?”
“Oh, baby.” She sighs. “You have so much to learn.”
I chuckle and push her. “So what? You’ve groveled before?”
“Nope.” We laugh together, because damn I don’t see her on her knees for anyone. She’s too much of a brat. “But men have groveled for me. And it’s pretty satisfying, I won’t lie. Now, you have to put your pride aside and do it.”
“Ugh.” I shake my head. “I think my pride is long gone, Chey.”
“Good.” She claps. “Then it won’t be hard.”
“I miss him.”
“You guys were disgustingly in love.” Cheyenne huffs, but she’s smiling, her blue eyes crinkling. “It was so obvious. Of course, you miss him. But Bai, I hate to break it to you—there’s stuff in your life you need to change before you can go back to him.”
“Like what?” I frown.
“You need to be happy too. With yourself.” I’m clearly confused, because she continues, “Have you considered cutting back your hours?”
I smile because I haven’t told her what I did. In the past two weeks I’ve been away from Theo, I’ve done a lot of self-reflection. I realized I was not happy with my job, and while I haven’t cut back on hours yet, I applied for a different position—a different specialty. I don’t know how it’s going to go, and I’m scared as hell, but I have to take a leap of faith and hope that it’s amazing. Because it’s definitely what I need right now. So, even though I’ve never spent time around children, I made a trip to the cancer ward and read them a story. I wanted to do something that reminded me of Theo, and surprisingly, I actually loved it. I think there’s a soft spot in my heart after all, and for the first time in eight months, I felt like a good nurse again. Someone who cared about patients, someone not so cold anymore. So, I took the leap of faith that Cheyenne always mentions, and I applied. I have an interview on Monday, and I think I’m going to get the job.
“Yes,” I reply. “I’ve applied for a different job. And I don’t plan on working the way I have been since I moved here.”
“That’s huge, Bai,” she squeals and wraps her arms around me, warming me slightly from the chill in the air. “Have they called you back yet?”
“I have an interview soon.” I smile.
“Tell me all about it.”
So I do. I tell her about the job, and then I tell her about all the other ways I’m going to change my life—for myself.
And for him.