Chapter 16
Julian
“C’mon, Julian. What the fuck happened? The fans want to know.”
“The fans? Or you?” I cock an eyebrow at Callie while Auz snickers behind his camera.
“Same thing.” She pops her hip and curls her fingers around it.
“No comment.” I let her fuss with my hair for a few more seconds before I reach for her hand, and, smiling to soften the blow, I say, “I think the hair is good,” and step back, dropping her hand.
“Looks good through the lens,” Auz calls out from across the room, in bro solidarity I’m sure. “Let’s roll before the light fades.” For sure bro code. I’m grateful.
Callie rolls her eyes and steps back, too.
I lean against the heavy bag and fold my arms over my chest, crossing one ankle over the other.
Auz starts snapping, telling me to tilt my head this way or shift my eyes that way. After about ten clicks, he says, “I think we’re good. Wanna go grab a beer, some food?”
“Nah, I’ve got work, but you guys go ahead. Pete’s expecting you. What time do you guys head out tomorrow?”
“Early. Probably won’t see you.” Auz extends his hand to shake mine.
“Okay, well, thanks for making the trip to me. I’ve had too much going on to get down south.” I smile and grip his hand.
“M-hm,” Callie mumbles. “Well, you can’t avoid it forever. The ASH anniversary is coming up and you’ll have to come to the party.”
“Fuck, Callie. Give it a rest,” Auz scolds as he packs his camera and equipment.
“Just saying.” She shrugs and punches me lightly on the bicep.
“I’m aware.” I force myself to look her in the eye, my features schooled into cool composure.
The mention of the party sends a cold searing pain to my chest, but I ignore it.
This isn’t today’s problem. “Thanks, again. Safe travels.” I turn to gather my towel, bag and water bottle.
“If that’s everything, I’m going to hit the shower.
See you guys soon.” I turn on my heel and don’t look back.
Taking the stairs two at a time, I begin stripping off my clothes once I hit the second-story landing and don’t stop until I step into the shower and crank the water.
The icy spray jolts me at first, but I welcome the tiny electric shocks.
I let the water pelt me until it turns hot, then I duck my head and let the heat pummel my shoulders and neck.
I try to clear my mind and find my happy place.
I’ve been working with Dr. Carver on a new one lately—one that doesn’t involve cloud-gray eyes and chestnut brown hair.
Speaking of Claire Carver, it’s almost time for our video appointment.
I rush through lathering up and sit down at my desk just in time to log in to our Zoom call.
When her face fills the screen, she smiles, her eyes crinkling at the corners behind her glasses.
Her background is different, filled with pines and blue water.
“Julian. You look . . . refreshed.” She laughs softly, taking in my wet hair.
I smile back politely and change the subject. “Where are you?”
“Oh, we’re doing the family thing in Tahoe this weekend.”
“Should we reschedule? We can reschedule.” She’s already shaking her head before I finish.
“Nope, we’re good. I would’ve said if I needed to cancel. But Julian, you deserve to have people show up for you, on time, like they say they will. You’re worth someone making time for you.”
I nod my head, but she tracks me well. She knows I’m going through the motions, nodding in agreement because that’s what I’m supposed to believe. The truth is—
Her voice cuts off my train of thought. “Tell me what you’re thinking right now.”
“Uh, I guess that not having people show up for me feels better—not better, normal. More normal than when they do.”
Her turn to nod. “Recognizing the pattern is the first step to breaking it. Proud of you.”
“I know. I mean, thank you.”
She smiles. Her smile soothes me. Her porcelain skin and dark eyes, framed by an equally dark bob of silky hair and her pixie features, invite you in and make you want to share your secrets.
She curls her finger around her ear, trapping a lock of hair behind it.
The simple diamond stud on her earlobe catches the sunlight and winks at me.
“Do you want to talk about why you feel more comfortable with people bailing on you?”
“Do I ever wanna talk about it?” I use quote marks when I say the word talk.
“Yet, you’re here. So you must want answers.”
I shrug my shoulders with a heavy sigh. “I mean I guess it’s my parents never being there for me. It feels familiar to not have anyone to depend on?”
Her smile and slight nod tell me to brace for the analysis that’s incoming. “That’s the easy answer, yes. Do you ever ask yourself why it feels . . . You said familiar? I’m going to say comfortable. But also, why was that a question? Are you unsure if it still feels familiar or comfortable?”
“I don’t know, Doc.” I throw my hands out to my sides, palms up. “Can’t you just tell me what I feel and we can go from there?”
Her short peal of laughter raises one corner of my mouth.
“Julian.” The soft rebuke is evident in her tone.
I hold my hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. I, uh, guess it’s easier to not have anyone around so I don’t have to risk losing them or them not . . . loving me back.”
She nods and scribbles something on her notepad. “When those first relationships are devoid of basic nurturing and unconditional love, it skews our love map.” She uses finger quotes for love map and elaborates. “Or our emotional blueprint for future relationships. Speaking of your parents—”
“What about them? Also, can we not call them that?”
“Children who feel like they must earn their parents’ love can grow up with deep-seated feelings of inadequacy. It can create a fear that love is temporary and can be taken away at any moment. It’s less about what happened and more about what didn’t happen.”
“They didn’t hold me, therefore I don’t like to be held.”
“Oversimplifying, but yes. Any updates on your . . . Todd?”
“I guess he could get life in prison. They said twenty-five to life, but it’s a process. Could take up to a year before he’s sentenced.”
“And how do you feel about that?”
A smirk splits my face at her very typical shrink response. I shrug in answer but then add, “He should get life for what he did.” I can talk about it like it happened to someone else. I don’t picture her when I do.
Claire is nodding again. “What about your mom?”
More shrugging. “I paid off her trailer. Put the rest of my grandfather’s money in a trust for her.
She gets a monthly allowance if she stays clean and must submit to drug tests.
If she doesn’t stay clean, she doesn’t get paid, but she can use the money for a treatment program.
A trustee handles it all so I don’t have to be involved. ”
“That was nice of you to do that for her.” She writes something in her notebook.
I fidget in my chair.
“Have you spoken to her?”
Shaking my head, I profess, “There’s nothing to say. The money was her father’s. I barely knew him. I don’t need the money. And I don’t want the money that could’ve caused . . . that made him resort to kidnapping.” Like it happened to someone else. Not her. Because of me.
“I think that’s a reasonable and healthy boundary. I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks, Doc.” I look down at my hands where my fingers flick my nails in my lap.
“Julian, I’d like to discuss the other side of that boundary. I applaud your ability to draw a line with people who don’t deserve to be in your life. I’d like to see you open up to letting people in who do deserve it—who do want to love you and be good to you and be there for you.”
I blow a long breath out through puffed cheeks. “What if there’s no one around who wants to do that?”
“What if there is but you won’t let them?”
“Isn’t time up or something?” I really do like her smile. I smile back.
“We can call it good for today. But can you do something for me?”
I nod. “Sure.”
“Can you start paying attention to times where someone wants to do something nice for you, be there for you, no matter how small or insignificant it might seem. Then pay attention to your feelings and reactions to those offers, gestures. Can you do that?” More nodding.
“Write them down if you can. We can discuss them next time.”
“Okay. Sure. Have a nice time in Tahoe.”
“Thanks, Julian. See you soon.”