Chapter 18
Julian
“Man, Luke, I can’t believe how much ASH has grown since we met. Do you ever stop?”
“You’re one to talk. Although, I could stand to have you down here more. Your brand is blowing up. People want to see you in person.”
We just finished touring Ashley’s newest gym and sit down at the juice bar for a drink before we head to our next stop. He slides me one of the green drinks the young employee sets on the bar in front of us. “I know. I’m just so busy—”
“No, you don’t get to play that card with me. I see the numbers. Besides, I’m your friend. You can talk to me—tell me the truth. How are you doing with everything? Real talk. Like being here, for instance. You good?”
I take a long sip of the smoothie to give myself a minute to respond. “I’m mostly good. Real talk though I’m nervous as shit to see her. Like a fucking kid on the first day of school.” I shake my head at my declaration. “That honest enough for you?” I laugh and take another drink.
Clapping me on the shoulder, Luke gives me a sympathetic grin. “I can’t imagine, buddy. And thank you for showing up. It means a lot to me. To both of us.”
I shrug. “It’s good for business.”
“It is. But seriously. Fuck all that. Thanks for coming. Man to man, friend to friend, I’m glad you’re here.” He reaches his hand out to shake mine and, when I clasp his, he hugs me with his other.
It’s one of those moments Dr. Carver wants me to pay attention to—letting people care about me.
Of all the people, Luke is the least awkward for me besides Allie.
He’s so goddamn genuine and kind, it’s hard not to love him.
“I appreciate you, Luke. I mean that. You make everything so easy. I can’t thank you enough for that. For everything.”
“C’mon. One more gym, then we’ll head back to Malibu.”
We stand to leave and I try to ignore the way my heart races at the thought of going back to the coast, where she is. I shove my hands into my shorts pockets to dry the clamminess.
***
Entering through the back of the house, I notice two things: a newer gray 4Runner parked next to my Jeep with a surfboard sticking out of the back window and the sunshine smell that hits my nose as soon as we step into the mudroom/laundry room off the kitchen.
I stop as if I smack into a wall and brace myself to see her.
I take a deep inhale to calm the adrenaline spike, but I suck in through my nose and forget the room is heavy with her scent.
It’s like a fucking drug and I’m an addict.
I blow it out silently through pursed lips as I trail Ashley into the kitchen.
Allie rushes to throw her arms around Luke and kisses him on the lips while my eyes scan the room. She’s not here. It’s just the three of us, but she must’ve just left. I don’t know if I’m relieved or disappointed.
“How was the tour?”
It takes me a moment to realize Allie is asking me. I focus on her beaming face and lock in. Drug, indeed. My head is spinning. “Good, good. Impressive. You guys don’t slow down.” I match her smile, glue my gaze to hers.
She reaches for me and hugs me.
I let her and force my arms up and around her slight frame and squeeze.
She lifts herself up on her toes and presses her lips to my ear. “It’s just us tonight. Ever is in her cottage.” She places a maternal kiss to my cheek and says louder, “So glad you’re here, Julian. I’ve missed you.”
She called her Ever. Is that what she goes by now?
I don’t know how to feel about that. It was my name for her.
Hearing Allie use it so casually is a little like taking a bullet.
I rub the spot on my chest, the one that now holds her name.
“Me too.” I smile again. “Mind if I head up and shower before dinner? Ash made me do a demo for some new members today, so I’m sweaty. ”
“Of course. Take your time. Dinner is chicken salad, so it can be served any time.”
I nod and cross the kitchen to head upstairs to my room.
As soon as my foot touches the first stair, I grab the banister and take a couple deep gulps of air.
Air that doesn’t smell like her. It’s going to be fine.
Taking the stairs two at a time, I strip off the T-shirt as I enter the guest room they put me in.
Not the same room we stayed in together.
This one is across the hall and overlooks the backyard, pool and hot tub.
Off to the right is the cottage and the driveway where my Jeep and the 4Runner are parked.
I lean on the window frame and look beyond the yard where the horizon meets the ocean and wonder what it’ll be like to see her again for the first time in seven months.
I must summon her with my thoughts because the cottage door opens and there she is, stepping out onto the welcome mat in bare feet.
She’s in a white gauzy romper that barely skims the top of her thighs.
Gaping armholes show off her torso and the sports bra underneath.
I drink her in, swallowing like she’s water in a desert.
Her body has changed. For one, her skin is darker, richly tanned, more prominent in the white fit.
The vee of her lats is more defined, her shoulders and arms more sculpted.
She’s surfing. I’d bet money on it. That’s her board in the 4Runner.
Part of me is jealous that I don’t know anything about her anymore.
Part of me is proud she’s living her best life.
That’s the part that has my heart pounding like it wants to escape my chest, my abs clenching at the heat swirling there.
Lilly’s old Bronco pulls in behind the 4Runner, and Lilly throws her door open and then hurls herself into Ever’s arms. “Ever! My girl.” She’s throwing her arms around Lilly and she laughs.
Nope, that was like taking a bullet. That sound pushes me away from the window, silently sliding it closed so I can’t hear her voice.
The laugh, her laugh, almost brings me to my knees.
I’m not sure I can do this. Does she miss me at all?
For seven months, I’ve been telling myself I didn’t want her to miss me, that I wished her a good, happy life filled with all the things she deserves.
And I do. Is it wrong that I hope she misses me a little, too?
Mostly, I keep myself running so hard I’m too exhausted to think about how much I miss her.
I can’t pretend here though, when she’s right in front of me.
It’s why I haven’t been down here since she left.
I finish stripping off my clothes and move into the adjoining bathroom. I step under the ceiling-mounted rainfall shower head. The water is chilled but does nothing to douse the flames seeing her ignited. Water sluices over my body and I imagine it’s her hands. My body reacts instantly.
It’s always the same. She shoves me against the wall, fire in her eyes.
“Fuck you, Julian. Fuck me.”
“I got you, Ever.” Her skin is silk, her core wet, ready for me, always. I slide into her and capture her moan with my kiss. I can’t stop. She doesn’t want me to. Her moans urge me on, faster, deeper, harder. I’m panting, about to come. I should wait for her to come. She doesn’t want me to.
“Come for me, Julie.”
And I do. “Ughhh, yes, Ever. So good. Yes, baby. Mmmm.”
I come back to reality with one hand bracing the tiled wall in front of me, the other wrapped firmly around my dick, my head hanging low under the now lukewarm water of the shower.
Catching my breath, I soap my hands and scrub them over my body and try to put her out of my mind.
That she’s within reach makes it harder.
I don’t have my murderous routine here to drive her out of my head, and I don’t have the gift of distance to make seeing her an impossibility.
I drag on some cotton shorts and a muscle tee and wonder how I’ll get through dinner.
I’m not the least bit hungry, but I’ll eat for my health and, if for nothing else, to avoid Allie’s scrutiny.
The way she continues to meet me where I’m at is probably why I stayed when she found me in the first place all those years ago.
She doesn’t push—at least not in an obvious way.
Putting me in a room that overlooks Everly’s cottage might be a subtle nudge to face what haunts me.
She’s never asked for details. She took my flimsy excuse of staying in Blue Lake at face value.
Even Ashley accommodated me, sending Callie and Auz to me whenever they needed footage or content.
While they’re not pushing for a reunion, time is running out.
I’ll have to see her tomorrow at the party.
Will she talk to me? The last thing she said to me lives rent-free in my head.
“Fuck you, Julian.” I tried texting her on her birthday in February, but it didn’t go through.
She blocked me. As she should. I sent lavender roses to her here, no card, and never got a response.
Not that I expected one, but I couldn’t let her birthday pass without .
. . something. She still owns every piece of my heart.
I’m just trying to figure out how to let her have it, if she even wants it anymore.