Chapter 20
Julian
Ashley’s home gym is next level, but this—standing in the waning sun, feet in the wet warm sand while the foaming waves tease my ankles—is helping me breathe, regulating my nervous system.
The roar of the waves crashing on the shore mirrors my insides and drowns my swirling thoughts.
The anticipation of seeing her again is like standing at the top of the Blue Lake cliffs, waiting for the free fall.
I came out here hoping to find enough calm and peace to get some sleep tonight—to be ready to see her tomorrow. I’m not sure sleep is in the cards.
Before I resort to beating the shit out of a bag to exhaustion and risk injuring my hands, I’m giving Mother Nature a chance first. Beach sunsets rival those of Blue Lake, and the salty air takes it to another level.
I inhale deeply and exhale, stretching my hands over my head and begin with some slow tai chi moves.
Her laughter hits me first. It’s mixed with other voices and laughter, but hers drives straight through me.
I could isolate it in a crowd. I drop my hands and sink them into the pockets of my shorts.
It’s almost dark but I make out the silhouettes.
She’s on Lilly’s back. They’re both giggling as Seth hops on Noah’s back and they begin a “chicken fight.” I feel like an intruder even though it’s a public beach and I was here first. This is her world now.
Still, I can’t look away. She’s ten yards out but doesn’t see me.
I step back out of the surf, the urge to retreat and leave the beach to her driving me.
That movement draws her attention, their attention.
“J-man,” Noah calls out as Everly slides from Lilly’s back and Noah releases Seth’s legs. Noah rushes toward me and grasps me in a solid hug, clapping me loudly on the back. “Too long, brother.” He’s all smiles as I hug him back, grateful for his golden retriever energy.
My eyes find hers in the dusk, barely visible, but I know she’s looking at me.
Seth and Lilly flank her, protecting her.
I love that she has that, truly. It breaks me a little that they feel the need to protect her from me, but still, I’m glad she has people like that in her life.
It drives home that I couldn’t protect her when she needed it the most.
No matter how much work I do on letting people love me, the simple fact is if she’d never loved me, she’d never been taken at gunpoint.
She deserves better than that. Better than me.
“I was just heading back up.” I shake Noah’s hand, tracking the others moving closer to us.
“Good to see you, Noah. I’ll . . . we’ll catch up more tomorrow.
” They’re here now. I extend my hand to Seth.
“Hey, Seth. Long time. Lill.” I nod once to Lilly, unsure if she’s neutral or not.
She silently hugs me, then steps back to Ever’s side.
“Hi, Everly.”
“Hi, Julian.”
My eyes rake over her features, soaking them in, absorbing them like water after a drought.
I think she’s doing the same. Everything else falls away.
Our friends, the crashing waves, until Seth says, “We’re going to head back.
We’ll see you up there.” He takes Lilly’s hand and Noah takes her other.
They steer her toward the stairs. She looks over her shoulder, not sure if she should leave her friend, but ultimately lets them propel her back the way they came.
Seth’s voice breaks the spell, and Ever pivots to watch them for a few seconds before she responds. “I’m right behind you. Save me a brownie.” She smiles at their backs, but the only answer is Seth waving his hand over his head.
“You can go. I don’t want to interrupt—”
“I know,” she snaps. “And you didn’t.” Her sass is alive and well.
My lips twitch. I stamp down the urge to smile.
Her features soften, and she opens her mouth to speak, then closes it abruptly.
“How are you?” we ask at the same time. “Good,” again, in unison.
“Hmph.” She gives a half smile with her chuckle.
“Do you want to join your friends?” I ask instead of telling, hoping to avoid her sass even though I secretly love it. I just don’t want to piss her off.
“No. I . . .” She waves her hands, palms out, then clasps them together and drops them in front of her. “I’m glad we ran into each other before tomorrow.” She smiles, but it looks sad. “Julian, I’m sorry for how I left. For what I said.”
I shake my head. “I didn’t leave you much choice.”
She nods at this. “Still . . .” She shrugs and her eyes trail down my body.
I feel them on me like a searing laser and drop mine to my hands that fidget with my nails. “You’ve changed,” she rasps and pulls at my gut.
I don’t look up when she speaks. “You too.” I raise my eyes in time to see her swallow and lick her bottom lip. “Surfing?”
“Yeah.” She smiles shyly.
Now it’s my turn to swallow, my mouth like dry sand.
“How’d you . . . Can you tell?” Her eyebrows crunch together in curiosity.
“Yeah. Plus I saw the board sticking out of your car.”
She’s nodding again, the warm ocean breeze dragging a lock of hair across her face. It catches between her lips. My fingers itch to tuck it behind her ear. I stuff them in my pockets.
“I love it.” Her shy smile again.
“I’m glad, Ever.” I bite down on my bottom lip to keep from blurting out that I miss her.
“You . . . got bigger.” She laughs at her assertion, more exhale than laugh.
I don’t know why her words make me feel self-conscious.
I cross my arms and grasp my biceps, then unclasp them and let my arms drop.
Why am I so goddamn nervous? The wind gives me my answer when it kicks up for a few seconds and sends her scent swirling around me.
It coils in my stomach and lower. I close my eyes and inhale deeply.
When I open them, they lock onto her stormy grays.
I take a step toward her without realizing it.
Her hand flies up and presses flat to my chest. One touch. That’s all it takes. Like a jolt of lightning adhering us to each other.
My hand covers hers. I take it and bring her palm to my lips.
“Julie.” She tugs it back, but I don’t release it right away.
Instead I turn my cheek into her palm, close my eyes and relish the feel of her skin on mine.
Her fingers curl into my jaw, her nails scraping the scruff there.
“I miss you,” I whisper, not sure if she hears me over the crashing waves.
She pulls her hand free and steps back.
My arm falls heavily to my side. It wants to reach out, to make her stay. Please don’t go, Ever.
“I can’t. I have to go.” She turns and runs toward the stairs leading back to Ashley’s.
I watch her until the night swallows her shadow, and still I stare at the spot until I regain my composure. Until I walk back up to the house with no one the wiser that I’m disintegrating into a million pieces.