Chapter 24
Julian
God, she’s even more beautiful now than yesterday.
Standing at the top of the stairs leading to the beach, looking out over the ocean, my body reacts when I spot her on the water.
She’s so small from here I can’t make out details, but I pick her out among the group and recognize her easily.
Allie told me they went surfing, so I walked to the edge of the yard and the stairs intending to join them—to sit on the sand and watch anyway.
Seeing her with her friends laughing so casually, then catching waves and confidently riding them into the shore, I feel out of place—like I don’t belong or fit into her world anymore.
I opt to lean on the railing and watch from here.
Their voices float up to me sporadically, combined with the constant roar of the ocean.
It’s evident she loves her life in Malibu.
By the look of her physique, body language and overall demeanor, it agrees with her.
Maybe even more than Blue Lake. Maybe more than me?
I rub the dull ache in my chest, tap my collarbone to keep calm at the thought that maybe she’s over me.
She didn’t seem over me last night. Fuck, when did I become this guy?
Pining for a girl like a lovesick schoolboy. She’s not a girl. She’s the girl.
For six months I’ve been working on how to ask for what I want, to let people give it to me, love me.
If I don’t have the conversation, I’ll never know.
That’s the problem. We don’t seem to be able to keep our hands off each other long enough to have one.
We’ll never have it if I don’t put myself in a place to have one, like joining her on the beach, meeting her new friends.
My friends are down there, too. I deserve to see my friends, visit with them. Right? Only one way to find out.
Stripping off my shirt, I take off down the stairs.
I still don’t love cardio, but it’s a necessary evil.
Plus, a run might calm my nerves before I face her, them.
Once I hit the sand, I strike out in the opposite direction that they’re surfing.
Coward. I could’ve used my earbuds and playlist right about now to drown out the voice in my head.
Instead, I ask myself what Dr. Carver would say.
People want to love and be loved. That’s the standard.
The rarity is people like your parents. Remember that.
Does Ever want to love me still? After last night, I want to believe so.
Sweat drips into my eyes as I run out of beach.
I stop in the wet sand and bend at the waist, hands braced on my knees and catch my breath.
Waves swish my ankles, the cooling relief inviting me into the surf.
I wade out three or four steps and plunge into the salty sea, dunking under the surface and paddling out.
Instantly refreshed, I return to shore and walk back toward Ashley’s stairs and the group of surfers.
As I approach the place I started from, Ever catches another wave.
I stop to watch, mesmerized by her grace on the board.
She always claimed she wasn’t athletic but bookish.
Watching her, I categorically disagree. She’s incredible.
I can’t help the smile, the swell in my chest. I clock the moment she notices me.
It throws her off and she loses her balance.
The wave takes her and the board under. The board pops up, getting tossed, but I don’t see Ever.
I run into the shallow water, searching for her, when she pops up and swims to her board and wades into shore with it tucked under her arm.
My shoulders drop, my hand rubbing my chest in slow circles.
She approaches me, grinning. “Morning, Julie. How’d you sleep?”
“Are you okay?” I reach for her, hold her bicep and study her face.
“Yeah,” she chuckles. “I don’t love eating sand, but yeah, I’m good.”
“You look amazing out there.” My eyes comb every inch of her face for proof she’s fine.
“Thanks. You look amazing wet.” She drops her jaw like she shocked herself, her face crimson. “I mean . . . did you go for a swim?” She drops her board on the sand next to us.
“A run, then a swim to cool off.” She dips her chin, but I’m too charmed by her words to let her duck me. “And I slept great. Best night’s sleep in—”
“Months,” she finishes. “Me too.”
“Can we talk?” I hold my breath for her answer.
“I hope so. Maybe on a public beach in broad daylight will help.” One corner of her mouth quirks and she squints up at me.
I tuck a lock of wet hair behind her ear and wink. “We’ll be good. We’ve got an audience.” I toss my head toward the group strolling in from the ocean, the five of them moving like one.
“Damn, J, go easy on the weights, brother. You lookin’ huge.” Noah claps me on the back.
“It’s kinda my job.” I hold my hands out low to my sides, palms up.
Ever speaks up, “Hey, why don’t you guys get cleaned up, I’ll be up in a few. Tatum, Lennon, you guys can use my shower.”
“Aren’t you going to introduce us?” The taller blonde speaks up.
“Oh yeah, my bad. Julian, this is Tatum and Lennon, my friends from Pepperdine.”
“So nice to finally meet you, Julian.” The taller twin, Lennon, tosses her head at me.
Her sister lightly backhands her arm.
“I call dibs on our shower,” Lilly says to no one in particular.
“See you up there. Hey, J-man.” She knocks my arm with hers as she moves past us toward the stairs.
That she’s casual and . . . normal with me does something to my insides.
It gives me courage. ‘Most people aren’t judging you the way you think they are.
Those thoughts are mostly our thoughts about ourselves. ’ Thank you, Claire Carver.
“Wanna sit?” Ever flops onto the sand, stretching out, her head on her board. With her arm slung over her eyes to block the sun, she tilts her head toward me and her gray eyes blink slow as I sit next down next to her and nod in answer.
“Will you tell me about your life?” I fold my arms on my bent knees and lay my cheek on them, watching her.
“I got into Pepperdine. I start in the fall.”
She’s not coming back to Blue Lake.
I smile, force it to reach my eyes. “I’m so proud of you.” And I am, but it feels heavy.
“Oh, and I’m Ever Tate now. Professionally.
Like on my socials. They manage them. Ashley’s people.
I still don’t like social media. And my brand is Ever Fit.
It’s a whole thing and goes hand in hand with my degree.
Ashley’s got it all figured out. I just show up.
But I love it, where it’s all headed. Where I’m headed. ”
I listen, watching the waves roll in. The sound of her voice pulls at me.
I reach my hand down and rest it on the sunbaked skin of her leg.
I need the contact. Proof that she’s right here next to me, talking to me.
“Sounds incredible. I don’t do social media either.
Not sure I ever will. Good thing Ashley has people for that. ” I smile at her, keeping it light.
“What about you? What’s new? Besides your jacked physique?” She shoves my bicep and winks at me.
“Yeah, I’ve been going hard. It calms my nervous system, helps me sleep. That and therapy.”
She sits up on that comment. “That’s big, Julie. Super inspiring. You know I’m a psych major, right?”
“I do.”
“Do you want to talk about it? I mean, I’d love to hear how it’s going.”
“Sure. If you really want to know. I’m getting better at that. Talking about stuff.”
“I can’t say the same. I study it. Implementing is a whole other thing.”
“At least you’re honest.”
We stare at each other, soft smiles on our lips, eyes lingering long after the smiles fade. The electricity between us crackles, neither wanting to break the spell.
She finally does and turns her gaze back to the sea. “What happened with your parents? Can you talk about it?” She holds her breath.
“Yeah. The short answer is I mostly don’t know.
” I follow her gaze and watch the waves crash onto the sandy shore, the foam slides back out.
The air’s already shifted from warm to hot.
My shoulders sizzle a little with the rising sun.
“The wheels of justice turn slow. Todd is locked up, waiting for trial. He pled not guilty but the evidence and witness accounts are pretty damning. What I hear is he’ll be lucky if he doesn’t get life. ”
Nodding, she faces me when she asks, “And your mom?”
I shrug because it’s so much. Where do I begin? I say what I’m thinking. “I don’t know where to even begin with her. She entered a court-mandated rehab facility, maybe long-term.”
“Did you talk to her?”
I shake my head and watch a wave roll in and the surfer riding it.
“I don’t think I want to. They . . . just wanted money.
An inheritance my grandfather McKay left me.
It wasn’t much, but to them I guess it was.
I put it all in a trust for her, if she stays clean and sober—and away from him.
There are stipulations in place to keep her from giving it to him or buying drugs with it.
The trustee will handle it and I can wash my hands of her, him, all of it. ”
“And you’re okay with that? Never seeing them? Her?” She’s leaning back on her hands, so I twist a little to see her face.
“I really am. I never had any kind of real relationship with them anyway. According to my therapist, it’s why I have such a hard time letting people in—why I shut you out.” I make myself look her in the eyes when I admit that.
She nods, her eyes filling with tears. “I tried. To stay.”