Chapter 26 Rayna
Rayna
May – The Bend, South Australia
I’m a mess, I know I’m in my head, but I can’t help but be.
It’s irrational, and absurd. But I feel so insecure. It’s all those little doubts building up in my mind. I’m not normally like this.
Flashes of Koby laughing with the new media girl plagues my mind. Why was he so carefree with her? She is so pretty. And young. I know he could get someone like that easily. Why is he bothering with me?
Because he loves you.
What do you know? He hasn’t said it.
But you know it.
I can’t assume these things…
I’m pacing at the back of the pits pretending to be on the phone. No one bothers me when they see me like this. Thank goodness. I can’t talk to anyone while I am spiralling. How can I verbalise this out loud? How could he love someone who looks like me when women like her are walking around?
Maybe I just need to end things. I can’t handle these doubts in my head. My phone buzzes, and I’m reminded the phone is in my hand. Message from Micah saying a supplier is here for a meeting. I reply I’ll be right there. How the fuck am I going to straighten myself out in the next five minutes?
A hand rests on my shoulder. Turning around to a, “Hey, Raven.”
I step out of his hold. “Hey. I’m late for a meeting.” I can’t look him in the eye.
“Are you okay?” He steps in front of me. Putting both his hands on my shoulder.
“Yeah, just…I don’t know about us anymore.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Us. I don’t think we can do whatever this is anymore,” I step away again, out from under his hands.
“What happened?” He queries.
“Nothing. These things happen.” Lowering my head, I walk away.
He is at my side in an instant. “I know what you are doing. Don’t push me away.”
“I’m not.” I am.
“You are. You can’t push me away.”
I’m silent, thinking things over. Thinking how to get around this.
“I’m here to support you. No matter what. You just have to let me. Talk to me when you have these thoughts.”
I can’t stop myself. It’s true. I let everything out. “You could be with anyone. That beautiful journo you were talking to. You both looked like you were into each other, and I’m over here like an aged ham.” Tears start streaking down my face.
He wraps his arms around me, pulling me in tightly to his chest, so I can hear his heart beating.
“Raven, please. You are all I have wanted for years. That reporter is new, and she’s married.
I think you saw us while we were talking about that.
She asked if I was married, and I said I was seeing you.
Probably why I looked so loved up, because I was talking about you. ”
“Really?”
“Absolutely. Also, my perspective of you shouldn’t matter.
You don’t need my point of view or perception of you to validate your feelings.
I have watched you for the past twenty-five years.
From a teenager, to a mother, to who you are today.
I accept you, however you are. I don’t see what you see.
But no one else’s options should be tied to your self-worth. ”
“Argh. I know. I can’t stop those thoughts sometimes.”
“Then come find me? Give me a hug so I can remind you that you are a fucking badass goddess that just needs a safe space at times. There is nothing wrong with leaning on me. That’s what I am here for. It’s what I have been here for decades.”
“Thank you.” I wipe the tears from my cheeks and kiss him. His lips press firmly against mine, and I nestle against his chest again, finding the rhythmic beat of his heart soothing.
Several moments pass before I say, “So, are we just brushing over you saying you were looking ‘so loved up’?”
“Caught that, hey?”
“Kinda stood out.”
He leans back, lifting my chin to meet my eyes. “I love you, Rayna. Always have. Always will.”
“I love you too, Koby.”
He presses his lips against mine again, this time open-mouthed and languid. Taking all the time we want.
My phone vibrates in my hand, causing us to break away.
It’s Micah calling.
I answer it, “Sorry, Micah. Been doing a…thing.”
“Yes, I can see what you have been doing from here.”
I step back from Koby and scan the windows above the pit boxes.
There is Micah, looking through the window at me, with a smirk across her face.
“A very important…thing.” I’ve no idea how long she has been watching us for but she chuckles.
“You stay to do your…thing. And I’ll take care of this supplier. ”
“Thanks, Micah.” I smile up at her.
“All good. Take as long as you need. We have things covered here for you.”
And she hangs up to address the supplier in the meeting. Leaving me with the impression she saw more than she’s let on.
Koby takes my hand. “Let’s go get a coffee and talk.”
And I let him lead me away to the hospitality tent because I need to learn to let him fully into my heart.
After what felt like a long and trying day, Koby insisted on riding back in the shuttle bus with me.
What would normally be a move filled with playful teasing from the team, of having a “rival team member” ride back to the hotel with us, is met with no one batting an eye at Koby sitting next to me.
Holding my hand and running his hands up and down my arm.
Ensuring he soothes me and keeps me calm.
We weave our way through the hotel lobby to the elevators, along with a few of the other team members.
I lean my body against the corner in the back.
What a mind-fuck of a day. And it was all my own doing.
In my own head. Not talking to anyone about it.
Especially not Koby, who I know would never judge me or think differently of me about the thoughts I have been having.
Each floor, people exit, the elevator gets emptier and Koby’s grip on my hand feels tighter. His thumb rubs circles across the back of my hand.
It’s Micah, Koby and me at the end of the ride, and Micah looks back, wishing us a nice evening, with an empathetic smile to me.
We head to our hotel room, and I’m done. Finally able to drop my shoulders and unclench my jaw.
“Guessing some room service?” Koby asks as he places my bag on the dining table. Which he took off me on the bus, like he’s always done.
“That sounds great. Thank you.”
“You know you don’t have to thank me for that?”
“You’re taking my current stage into consideration though. I’m thankful.”
He walks over to me and engulfs me in his arms.
“I know, and you know I would do anything for you. No thanks needed. I just want you to talk to me when you are having these thoughts so I can help you.”
He runs a finger down my face and tucks some stray hair behind my ear and lifts my chin to brush his lips against mine.
“Communication.”
“Communication,” he repeats. “And I will always be here. You can’t push me away.”
I nod my acceptance.
“How about you go have a shower, I’ll order us food and we can just relax.”
“Sounds great.” I resist the urge to thank him and plant a chaise kiss on him instead.
Prying myself off the lounge and out of Koby’s arms a few hours after gorging on room service, I stand in the bathroom applying my estrogen gel before bed.
Waiting for it to dry before putting my pyjamas on.
Partaking in my nighttime routine: inspecting my body.
Seeing each mark, each scar, each imperfection…
each…story. Each…memory. My mind feels like it resets and flips. Fuck.
I’m in my fucking forties. My body has been through pregnancy ending in an emergency C-section.
Broken bones and truckloads of emotional trauma.
This body isn’t perfect. It’s…strong. It’s been through shit and came out stronger on the other end.
Each scar or stretch mark, dimpled or wavy area tells a story. My fucking story.
My focus zooms out, and instead of seeing my body in the minor details, I look at the complete picture. Me. A woman who has lived her life how she wanted to. How she chose to. How she decided to handle what life threw at her.
And she is a fucking badass for coming back stronger. Each time with a battle scar.