Chapter 7
SEVEN
SHANE
My shoes slap the earth beneath my feet as Easton and I make our way down the path we take for our morning jogs. The alarm goes off at six every morning, and East and I head out for our warmup. It’s a great way to get our minds clear and bodies loose for a day of grueling baseball.
Walking into a day of training without warming up first is like asking for a pulled muscle. Spring Training is no joke. We’re a month in, and I’ve dropped ten pounds.
I glance over at my friend. Easton, on the other hand, looks like he’s put on weight—more specifically, muscle.
He’s looking more and more like a major leaguer.
That was something glaringly obvious when I walked into big league camp.
Apparently, there is a big size difference between ballplayers in the minors versus the majors.
It’s like everyone turns into a Viking once they cross over.
Probably because of the food they provide at big league camp.
God, I miss that. Both Easton and I got reassigned to minor league camp last week.
Paulie’s still with the big kids, since he’s a catcher.
He’ll probably stay until the final round of cuts.
They usually keep extra catchers since they need players to catch for all the pitchers on the Opening Day roster.
I was disappointed even though I knew it was coming.
But the worst part? Jed Stone Jr. was right there to witness the entire thing.
It felt like a sign. He was the star-player, and I was an unwelcome extra in his show.
Doesn’t matter. I’m still going to prove I’m worthy of a Triple-A spot. Somehow.
My stomach grumbles, and I inwardly whine.
I really miss the fucking food. Not that they starve us in minor league camp, but it’s more…
Holiday Inn breakfast buffet. I still can’t believe Easton passed on those pancakes.
He started this strict diet regime our first year.
It’s definitely been making a difference for him.
Me? I just shove as much food as I can in my mouth and hope for the best. Like that time I made a stack of waffles and sausage patties. My mouth waters. That was fucking insane. Might not be the worst idea to be more intentional with what I’m putting in my mouth, though. I snort.
“What was that for?” Easton side-eyes me.
“Just thinking about what I’ve been putting in my mouth lately.”
Easton trips, and I cackle.
“Foooood, dude. Get your head out of the gutter.”
“Dude,” Easton says mockingly. “What I’ve been putting in my mouth? No one refers to eating that way.”
“Okay, fine. I was making jokes with myself in my head and wanted to bring you in on the fun. I thought you’d appreciate the phrasing.”
A smile slides across my friend’s face. “I appreciate you, you know that, Shane?” He glances at me, eyes soft. “My sexuality hasn’t once bothered you. I like that we can throw back and forth like this, and you don’t blink twice.”
“What kind of hippie would I be if I didn’t believe all love is love?” I tease.
I kind of fell into the hippie persona. It fits in a lot of ways, but it happened purely because I rocked too-big, washed-out clothing—since all we could afford was second-hand or donations. Mix that with my beachy curls and bracelet obsession: hipster Shane Michaels was born.
Easton’s praise lights me up. I’m glad I can be a safe space for him. Easton isn’t out—the only ones who know he’s pansexual and in a relationship with a man are me and Paulie. I’ve noticed how some of the things our teammates say affect him. Affect Paulie too.
Paulie’s older brother is an out-and-proud queer man, and Nebs is hella protective of him. I’ve seen him put people in their place a few times now. It’s inspired me to be a better ally. Ally-ish. Because—ah—the confusing shit I’ve been going through lately has gotten a hell of a lot more clear.
I haven’t said anything to East or Paulie, even though they’d be perfect to talk to about it. I’ve needed time to process it. That and it kind of started because of East. I can only imagine how awkward that conversation would be.
Hey, East. You know when Maddy comes to visit, you guys fuck so loud that anyone within a ten-mile radius can hear you? I thought it was pretty damn hot.
At first, I thought it was just like…sex noises make anyone horny.
Hearing them go at it just made me want some action of my own.
But it had me doing some experiments. What better way to see if dick did it for me than watching gay porn?
So, uh, yeah. Apparently, I do enjoy watching two dudes fuck.
Not sure where I’m at for real-life, though.
Haven’t tested those waters. But the near-fiasco at the beach was pretty fucking telling.
Maybe I should open up to East about it. “I think I might like dudes.”
Easton trips and falls this time. Probably shouldn’t have broken that news while we were running. I tend to get an idea and dive right in. My mouth always gets me in trouble. Then my smile and my baby blues get me out of it.
I backpedal to East and give him a hand to help him up. But he yanks me down next to him. My ass hits the ground hard. “Oomph.”
His chest works as he tries to catch his breath.
“You couldn’t have at least waited until I was standing still?
” He scrubs a hand down his face. “Not important.” His brows draw together.
“You think you might like dudes? So, you’re not sure?
How long has this been going on? Do you want to talk about it?
I’m here for anything you need to work out. ”
I shoot him my lopsided smile, trying to put him at ease. I think Easton is more nervous than I am right now. He’s the best kind of person. His nervousness just highlights how much he cares. Not something I’m used to.
“So, a couple years now.”
His eyes widen. “A couple years? Shit, Shane. Have you been doing okay with it? Do you want to talk to Maddy? My queer discovery was a little different with how attraction works for me. He’d probably have more helpful insight.”
He pulls out his phone, but I quickly put a hand on it and shake my head. Definitely can’t have him calling Maddy right now. It’ll ruin the surprise coming his way in a bit.
“No, no. Not right now, at least. I hadn’t been planning on saying anything, but you know me.”
“Yes, you put my word-vomit to shame.”
I wink at him. “I was kind of in self-discovery mode for a while. Let’s just say I explored a lot of porn.
Turns out I don’t mind two guys together.
I guess I should say, I like two guys together.
I wasn’t sure at first if it was just, like, all sex is hot, you know?
But it became clear pretty quickly I think dicks are hot.
Like hawt. But that’s about where I’m at.
Haven’t actually tried any out in the wild. ”
“Ah, yes. Wild dick. Quite the experience when you come across one.”
I chuckle and check my watch. I have a text notification, and I swipe over and quickly read it. Time to get back. I push to standing. “Come on. Let’s head back to our apartment. We can talk while we jog.”
We run for a bit in silence, then Easton asks, “So, what are you going to do about this revelation?”
I gnaw on my lip as I mull it over. “Honestly? I don’t know,” I finally say.
“I think I’m just going to let it happen how it happens.
You know I’m very go with the flow. I still want to hook up with women.
This is definitely a bisexual situation.
If an opportunity presents itself with a guy, I’ll take it.
Or if curiosity gets the better of me, maybe I’ll try out an app or something. Right now, my focus is baseball.”
Easton throws me a grin. “Well, whatever you decide, I’m happy you’re figuring yourself out, Shane. And if you ever need to talk through it, I’m here. Maddy too. And Frankie, but uh, he’d probably offer to let you try out his dick.”
Hmm. That’s interesting.
“Ohmygod. No. Bad, Shane! Bad!”
I tip my head back and burst out laughing. Once I’ve settled down and we’re turning down the road toward our apartment, I can finally form words. “To be completely honest, I don’t think Frankie is my type.”
Easton stares at me like I’ve lost my mind.
Easton thinks Frankie is suave as fuck. But I don’t think it’s an attraction thing for him.
I think it’s more an envy thing. Frankie is super smooth—boxer-and-brief-melting smooth.
East is shy and nervous by nature, bumbling over his words more often than not if we’re not in a baseball setting.
It’s how he got the name Cowboy. I’ll never forget the first time we met, and he greeted me with a “hey-ho howdy.” My Connecticut Cowboy.
“Frankie is an attractive man,” I agree. “And he’s a master at picking up. But, uh…”
Dark eyes and a permanent scowl flash in my mind.
Frankie’s all flawless features, smooth lines and sultry smiles.
Apparently, I’m more attracted to rigid, surly men.
Or maybe this is another one of those situations where a therapist would say I’m a textbook display of daddy issues. I want the boys who don’t like meee.
“Frankie’s…beautiful. I think my type is maybe more rugged,” I finally say.
“Huh. I guess I can see that,” East says as we bound up the stairs. The door swings open just when we step inside the screened front porch.
A squeal that I can only describe as pure joy rips from Easton, and he throws himself at the man standing in our doorway.
My chest tightens, and I smile at the two men, well mostly at Easton, since it’s not easy to see the guy he’s currently swallowing in a hug.
“Maddy,” he breathes. His hands are locked on Maddox’s face, his gaze raking over his boyfriend like he can’t believe the man’s real. “How—What—How? You’re here. In our apartment?”
“Surprise,” I say with a smile.
Easton glances between the two of us.
Maddy slides his hands over where Easton’s still clutching his face. “I’m here for my entire spring break. Shane set me up so I could sneak in here and get myself settled while you were out for your morning run.”
“A whole week,” Easton chokes out, resting his forehead against Maddox’s.
And fuck, now I’m getting misty eyed. Some love is that palpable. That beautiful.
That rare.
My stomach twists. I take a step back and clear my throat. “I’m going to head to the complex early today. Why don’t you…ensure Maddox is all settled, East?” I shoot him a wink, and he lets out a watery chuckle. “See you at training.”
But the door is already swinging shut, muffling their whispers and laughter.
The sound hits me square in the chest—one sharp thud. I stare at the white-paneled wood, the cool morning air prickling over my sweat-slicked skin. It’s a reminder. What’s behind that door? That warmth, that connection? That’s not for me.
I head to my car and crank the stereo. I scroll through my playlist and tap “Perfect” by Simple Plan. Because sometimes you just need some time to sit with the ache rather than pretend it isn’t there. Sit with the truth.
Some of us aren’t good enough the way we are.
I’d do well to remember that. Otherwise, the world will do it for me.