Chapter 21 #2
His love and support had been there when he’d needed it most, and now all Dawson wanted to do was tell him . . .well, shit. To tell him he loved him, too. That he was the most important person in Dawson’s life, and that he couldn’t see that ever changing.
“If that’s the way you feel about it, then I’m considering proceeding,” Natalia said cautiously.
“You should,” Dawson said. “I’m sorry, though, I . . .there’s something I have to do.” Something I have to say.
Aidan was right; he’d been incredibly stupid and even more incredibly dense.
This feeling, buoyant and certain, wasn’t new. He’d been in love with Cam for weeks, and he hadn’t told him. That wasn’t okay, and what was even more not okay? That he’d been trying to be better. To do better. To do right by Cam.
How could he do that if Cam didn’t know how he felt?
“No worries,” she said, chuckling under her breath. “I’m just glad I caught you. I’ll send the plea deal over, and you can let me know if you change your mind.”
“I’m not going to change my mind.” About this. Or about Cam. Ever.
“Alright, then. I’ll keep you updated.”
Dawson had just hung up, ducking out of the game room when a person he hadn’t expected to see intercepted him. And before he could find Cam.
But he couldn’t look frustrated, because this was Cam’s dad, carrying two drinks, making it obvious that his destination had always been Dawson. He couldn’t look impatient or frustrated.
Dawson tried not to tense and failed.
“Hey,” Shane said, setting the whiskey in front of Dawson. “Saw you were empty.”
“Thanks,” Dawson said.
Shane waved in the direction Nate had stomped off, earlier. “He didn’t seem very happy.”
“He wasn’t,” Dawson said wryly. “Hopefully he gets over it.”
“He’ll get over it. You guys are a team,” Shane said.
“Yeah,” Dawson agreed.
Though he really, really hoped that he didn’t have to ask Aidan to intervene if Nate didn’t get over it. He’d be extra annoying about it. Chide Dawson for doing the kind of work that Aidan was better suited to, and the worst part was that Aidan probably wouldn’t be wrong.
Then Shane adjusted his stance, leaning in a bit more, lowered his voice, and said, “Kind of like you and Cam.”
It shouldn’t have taken Dawson so long to realize, but it hit him like a physical blow that Shane had come over here to give him the freaking shovel talk.
Like five minutes too late. Five minutes after he’d already realized his feelings.
“Yeah?” Dawson said warily.
Maybe he deserved one. He didn’t know how much Cam had told his dad about what they’d been doing—or what Dawson hadn’t been saying.
But he’d fixed it, hadn’t he? He’d gotten over his fear. It wasn’t an easy thing, and some moments he did worry, but he meant what he’d said to Natalia.
He’d moved on. He was ready to start this new chapter of his life, with Cam next to him.
And Cam seemed to want to do the same. Unless, of course, Dawson was counting how he seemed to want to keep Dawson and Shane apart.
Maybe that was why he’d been dreading this.
Shane threatening to dismember Dawson if he hurt Cam.
Well, that was ridiculous, because if that ever happened, he’d have to get in line.
Aidan had already declared he would, and Levi would no doubt be right behind him, like he always was, and then there was Dawson himself.
“Just wanted you to know you’re always welcome with us. I didn’t know if I’d like you, Hall, but it’s hard not to, when you make Cam so happy.”
Dawson wasn’t sure he was keeping up. “Wait . . .what?”
Shane frowned. “I don’t want to end up being your third wheel, but—”
“It’s not me that’s making that decision,” Dawson pointed out softly. “I’d be there every single day, if he let me. If he wanted me there.”
Dawson didn’t say who he was, but he thought it was pretty dang obvious.
“What? Seriously?” Shane looked shocked. “Cam is—why would he—that doesn’t even make sense—”
But it was beginning to make sense to Dawson.
He’d gotten a glimmer of an idea, and now that he had, the thought kept growing in his mind. Making more and more sense the longer it sprouted.
Of course, explaining it to Shane was going to mean coming clean about a lot of things, but that was probably something he should do anyway.
“I think he’s worried about putting us together because of my experience with my ex-father-in-law.
But not just that, but how freaked out I’ve been about starting something serious and real with him.
He doesn’t want to rock the boat, now that I’ve finally gotten my head out of my ass,” Dawson admitted. And now it’s so out of my ass.
“Have you gotten your head out of your ass?”
“Well, yeah,” Dawson said, and he had, more than he could say to Shane. “I told him I want to be together, like for real, for serious, everything. But then you showed up and he seemed to panic. I get it now. He was worried your presence would remind me of things I want to forget.”
“Your ex-father-in-law,” Shane said steadily.
“He did some bad stuff. Stole money from me and others. But I know you’re not him. I never thought you’d be him.”
“You’re divorced, too?” Shane said it so casually, but there was an intent look in his eyes. And maybe this was more of a shovel talk than Dawson had thought it was.
Dawson nodded. He could make excuses. Mention how Brynn had cheated on him. But the cheating had been only a symptom of what had gone wrong between them.
“Lot of tough breaks,” Shane pointed out.
That was not a lie. Dawson had been struggling since they’d started falling over, like dominoes, but there was no question things were looking up. Looking bright.
“Yeah, it’s been tough,” Dawson said. “I won’t lie about that. But I’m solid. I won’t . . .um . . .force all of my baggage onto Cam. I’d never want that. He deserves better.”
Shane hummed under his breath. Swirled his glass of whiskey. “Now you won’t, but you were doing it before?”
“Not anymore,” Dawson repeated firmly. He’d never been more sure of anything in his life. He loved Cam, he was pretty sure Cam loved him back, and they weren’t going to fuck this up. Dawson would go to any length to make sure of that.
“Not sure how much Cam’s told you, but my wife died young.
Cancer took her when Cam was only eight.
” Shane sighed heavily. “It was an absolute shit time. For what felt like forever after that, I kept thinking, the rest of the sky’s falling.
The worst shit was always around the corner.
I had to learn—had to teach myself—that wasn’t fucking true. ”
“I’m still learning how to do that, too,” Dawson admitted.
“It’s all about hope,” Shane said wryly. “Finding it and keeping it. Even if it’s hard. Especially if it’s hard.”
Shane patted him on the back. “Think about it,” he said. “And talk to Cam. Make sure he knows how you feel.” He picked up his drink and wandered back over in the direction of the bar.
Ironically, maybe if Dawson hadn’t realized how he felt, this might’ve been the realization, but Shane had literally come in five minutes too late.
He had deliberately let himself drift along this path without considering what the path looked like.
But he couldn’t drift anymore, not just because of what he’d realized, like a lightning strike during his conversation with Natalia, but because Shane’s words reminded him so much of what Cam had said to him, in the PATH, right before they’d kissed for the first time.
Sometimes, Cam had said, we just have to stay the course. Have hope that things will turn around. Even if it seems like they won’t.
He’d listened back then. Holding on to the grains of hope he’d managed to hoard away had convinced him it was a good idea to get involved with Cam.
To let his light shine into the dark corners of his life.
And the more he’d let Cam in, the more he’d realized that everything could be good again.
He could find happiness and satisfaction and a soul-deep connection with someone again.
It wasn’t just Cam tugging Dawson back into the sunlight.
It was this team, rallying around him. Aidan being the friend he hadn’t even realized he was missing.
Marty being the kind of steadfast and zero-shits-given coach he’d always needed and never had.
Alex, who’d gone above and beyond after the Simon disaster to be the kind of agent he needed most right now.
Even Natalia Kaminski, who was determined to fight against Ackerman’s lawyers and make him pay the price for his theft.
But even when it wasn’t just Cam, Cam was undeniably an enormous part of it. He’d brought light and joy and love back to Dawson’s life.
It hit him like a ton of freaking bricks, again.
Love.
There was no question, Dawson thought as he tested the way that word felt inside his head, but also, mostly, inside his heart. He’d told himself he wouldn’t fall hard or fast again, but even though it was hard, none of it felt too fast. Instead, it felt just right.
It was easy to hope, or easier, anyway, when he loved someone the way he loved Cam, and now that he knew, Dawson wasn’t going to waste a second more of his time pretending otherwise.
Now that he’d realized that this warm, intoxicating feeling he kept putting his hands up to and basking in was love, he wanted to tell Cam about it as soon as possible. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep the words in. And he was not going to just blurt them out in front of all the guys.
When he reached where Cam was over by the bar, his group of Duke and Jack merging at some point with Mo, Ramsey, and Wes, it felt so good and so right to just put his arm around him and tug him in. To let that calm certainty and happiness that he knew was love, now, wash over him.
“Hey,” Cam said, tilting his head down. “How was Nate?”
“Not good,” Dawson said.
Cam made a face. “Well, you tried.”