Chapter 26 Beck
Beck
I’m at a fucking loss. Ever since Jensen got up from the couch last night there has been this elephant on my chest. I can’t breathe properly and this dark cloud is looming over me. I slept like shit. I’ve practiced with the guys like shit.
When Dex sent out a text for anyone available to meet him here to practice and workout, I thought it might be nice to get out, move my body, and find any sort of joy from the game I love. But that didn’t happen, because all I’ve been able to think about is Jensen.
Tossing my dirty clothes in my gym bag, I let out a heavy sigh and close my eyes. I need to get a grip, but…shit, if my hands don’t feel weak.
The one bit of reprieve I got this morning was from simply holding Jensen in the doorway. There’s this peace in having her at my side. I’ve been forcing this faking it mentality and fighting off my anxieties so no one would question what I’m feeling for so long, but now I find it exhausting.
Even before we slept together, when she helped me through that first panic attack…
I just felt safe with her. Every discussion we have, I feel safe because I actually get to express what I’m feeling for the first time with someone who might not have the same experience, but can relate to what I’m feeling.
I don’t know how long we can keep this arrangement going. And I have zero clue how I could ever let her go. I’m so tired of fighting my anxieties, but the fear of what our future could look like has me in a chokehold.
Even the thought of having Jensen experience what my dad is going through fills my entire body with fear…
I start to see spots when I think a second too long about it.
There’re no what ifs in my head, only the worst possible outcomes.
The thing is I can’t decide which one is worse, forgetting her or losing her.
We were supposed to get each other out of our systems but instead she is my new system. She’s the other part of my soul that I didn’t even know was missing.
I can’t stop thinking about this. How I managed to make it through this unofficial practice with the guys is a miracle in itself. It’s like I’m here, but I’m not. I’m stuck in the death spiral of panic and if I wanted to be honest, I’m fucking sad.
At some point, in this mental panic attack, my muscle memory must have started box breathing. Finally finding some strength, I blink my eyes open. My hands are gripped so hard on the edges of the cubby walls my knuckles are white.
Leaning up, I let my grasp go and shake out my hands.
“Beckkkk!” Miles bursts into the clubhouse with Dottie following behind him. “I have a question.”
Turning around slowly, I sit on my cubby because I’m not sure how much longer I can keep standing. Dottie makes her way between my knees and rests her head on my leg. Giving her soft pets, I find a little bit more composure. “Alright, All-star, what’s up?”
Miles’s smile immediately gives him away. The boy is about to do some scheming. “I was thinking that Dottie could come home with me for a little bit. Mommy got so sad this morning, she said the babies make her motional. I think Dottie could cheer her up.”
My heart warms a bit at him calling Lucie his mom now. When Dex texted us this morning, he mentioned Miles had started doing it but to act normal about it.
Which I get, but frankly, I don’t think the warning had to be given, Lucie is the mom Miles deserves. I’m not going to question that.
“You know, I love your thinking, but something tells me your dad has either already told you no, or you’re looking for forgiveness instead of permission.”
Miles’s mouth opens then shuts. His eyes narrow in on Dottie. “Well…”
“Miles, you better not be asking Beck about the dog,” Dex scolds lightly as he walks in the clubhouse. “I already told you no, we’re not bringing the dog back home.”
Miles’s shoulders fall practically to his ankles. “But Mommy would love to see Dottie.”
Dex shakes his head. “Mom wants to see Dottie’s owner, Jensen, not the dog.”
My heart rate kicks back up at the mention of Jensen. “Lucie went to see Jen?”
Dex gets this cocky smirk on his face. “Yeah, she’s home now, but they got brunch together. Want to fill me in on your side? Luce and I can compare notes later.”
I know it’s a joke I should play into. Blow him off or give him the finger so I don’t actually cuss at him in front of Miles, but none of that is in me today.
Dex steps up to Miles. “We’re going to leave in ten minutes. Why don’t you and Dottie go play on the turf, I think Tripp and Adam are still in the batting cages. I’ll be there in a bit.”
“Okie!” Miles bounces on his feet before running to the door. “Come on, Dottie!”
Her big brown eyes look up to me and she doesn’t move until I pat her chest. “Go on.”
I get the three seconds of silence from Dex as he waits for the door to close behind them. He moves to sit in the cubby next to me. “That dog really seems to mind you, given the fact you’re not her owner.”
I glare at him. “First, way to kick me when I’m down. Second, the dog has a name, you know what it is so call her by it.”
Dex lets out a humph. “That didn’t take long. Should I tell you I told you so now…or?”
“Fuck off.” I tsk, but Dex simply laughs.
“Oh, so much déjà vu. Please say something dickish now to really sell the whole thing.”
My mind immediately goes back to when Dex was an extreme asshole when Lucie got started and hell if that doesn’t make me feel a little bit better.
“Nah, I think I’ll take the high road on this one.”
“Motherfucker, way to ruin it,” Dex mumbles with a chuckle. “Want to talk about it?”
I tilt my head to him. “Would it matter if I said not really?”
“It would, I’ll walk the high road with you, drop it completely.”
Oh, bullshit.
I barely get my head shake out before Dex starts. “I actually want to talk about myself. Do you realize how much happier I am with Lucie? I’m married to the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen—she’s carrying my children. She loves my son like her own, arguably loves him more than she loves me.”
Resting my elbows on my knees, I pinch the bridge of my nose. “You’re so subtle.”
“And not done. Whatever you and Jensen have doesn’t have to look like mine and Lucie’s. I don’t know what’s going on, but I can’t say it’s good with how shitty you did today.”
I blink with my glare. “Again, with the kicking.”
Dex shrugs. “Hey, you don’t want to talk about it, I won’t ask for details.
All I’m saying is…thank you. I’ve said it to you before, and I’ll keep saying it.
You pushed me to look past my hang-ups about what a life with Lucie could look like, and now I get to wake up with the woman of my dreams at my side.
I look forward to coming home every single day.
I’m genuinely happy for the first time in a very long time, so thank you. ”
I swallow hard. “What if I can’t push myself? You can say ‘thank you’ but my encouragement really had little to do with it. I was simply pointing out the obvious.”
“I could point out the obvious, but it’d be a waste of breath.
You know what Jensen means to you, so decide on what you’re going to do about it.
” Dex pushes off his knees and stands back up.
“Now, I’ve been here throwing pitches that already have my shoulder hurting and working out with you assholes for hours.
I want to go home and spend time with my wife.
Will’s already gone because he wants to be with Callie.
What do you want to do? You can get some batting practice in… ”
This fucker.
Standing up, I let out a heavy sigh. “I’m going to go home and see Jensen.”
Dex’s smile grows. “Good, you should go do that then. And, for all that’s fucking holy, take Dottie with you.”
“Of course, I’m taking my dog home. I’ll fight Miles for her, I’m not afraid.”
“You seem to be afraid of something,” Dex mumbles under his breath.
“You know, maybe I will let Miles take Dottie home for the afternoon.”
Dex pauses before walking out the door. “I’ll take Dottie if you plan on sorting your shit out with Jensen tonight.”
My whole body goes rigid. “I…” I clear my throat, unsure how to answer him.
Dex gets this smug look on his face. “Next time, I’m not taking the high road.”
“Fair,” I mumble as we go to get his son and my dog separated, which wasn’t exactly the easiest of feats.
Dottie may listen to me, but with some encouragement from Miles and further encouragement from Adam and Tripp…Dex and I got stuck playing a fun little game of hide-and-seek. Dex thought it less fun than me, which I feel slightly bad for since talking to him did give me a bit of clarity.
There’s a peace in knowing that coming home means Jensen’s there and I get to grab ahold of my life-preserver for a bit.
However, I have to be sure that this is what we both want now.
Neither of us wanted more at the start of this, and I won’t force her to change her mind just as much as I know she wouldn’t force me to either.
Walking in the house, I hang up Dottie’s leash then kick off my shoes by the door. The house feels entirely too quiet so I yell, “Jen, we’re back!”
But unfortunately there’s no answer.
Damn. Pulling out my phone, I send her a text.
You know, as your stalker, I feel I need to have your location on my phone.
Jensen
Now why would I make it that easy for you? I want you to work for it.
You know I love a challenge.
I’ll be home soon. Had to swing by Winedown to help Mia for a bit.
Drive safe.
Sliding my phone back in my pocket, I look down at Dottie. “She said she’ll be here soon. How does the couch and some TV sound in the meantime?”
Dottie lets out a soft bark, which I take as her approval. Plopping down on the couch I wait as Dottie snags one of her toys from her dog bed because that’s all it is now…her toy storage area, then hops up next to me.
“I see we went with the bear.” I pet her back as she lies on her one singular toy that she doesn’t chew. “Too tired to murder any other toys?”