Chapter 20 #2
“Mm-hm.” He pressed a hand to her shoulder. “Stay safe. I’ll be back before you know it.”
She tracked the sound of his steps out of the room before heading to her desk to grab the ice pack that’d fallen to the floor.
“Nice view, Peaches.”
Startled, she jerked upright and faced Asher. “Funny.” She set the ice pack down and smoothed her hands over the sides of her pencil skirt, ensuring it was back in place. The memory of his hands on her earlier had her tensing.
“I’m guessing Luke let you know we’re not grounded anymore?” He came into the room and stood opposite the desk. “I’ll miss a few training sessions with you. Sorry about that.”
She waved a hand in the air. “I’ll be fine on my own.”
“But will you be?” He cocked his head. Worry in his eyes.
“I don’t need this from you, too.” She sat and scooted closer to her desk.
His eyes flipped to the ceiling as if he were biting back the urge to say something. He’d been edgy at the office and only seemed to be his typical playful self when inside the boxing ring. “You know Luke will have a parade of people checking on you while we’re gone. You won’t be able to stop him.”
“And it’s not necessary.”
He crossed his arms. “Are you still having nightmares?”
Her gaze flicked to his brown eyes, the color of mahogany with a darker rim. “No. I think our fight sessions have helped keep them at bay.”
“Then maybe I shouldn’t go. I could see about staying here.”
“When have you ever backed out of an op? Not for anything or anyone.”
“You’re not just anyone.”
Her cheeks heated at his words, but then frustration burrowed into the pit of her stomach. She needed her thick skin back. Where had it gone, and why was he making it so difficult to maintain the fortified structure she’d built around her heart?
“Stop saying that stuff to me.”
“What ‘stuff’?” He used air quotes as he circled the desk.
The smell of leather with mint citrus notes and a touch of cinnamon from his cologne touched her nostrils.
She rose and removed her glasses, and then pinched the top of her nose before placing them back on.
“Oh,” he said while scratching his throat, and closing one eye, “is this gonna be another one of those times where you say you prefer me to be a jerk?” His tone was light, but she knew he was holding back from delivering more of a punch with his words.
“The playful banter. The jabs.” The desire to screw. “That’s fine. It’s given with us.” Her hands clenched into fists at her sides, her fingernails biting into her palms. “But these sweet and caring comments . . . you know how I feel about them.”
He dropped his eyes to the floor. “Guess I was right. No surprise there.”
“We had a moment at my place, and you let me cry on your shoulder. And maybe we had a few moments before Berlin.” She paused. “I really do appreciate what you’ve done for me, but this other thing between us has to stop.”
“Define this other thing for me,” he said while twirling a finger like a helo blade, “because surely the thing you’re referring to can’t be my desire to pin you to your desk, lift your skirt, and—”
“Asher, please.” She inched closer to him, which maybe wasn’t the best idea because she could smell him even more. Feel the tension beating off of him like the crest of a wave on impact.
“I want to hear it from you. For you to say the words this time. No escape. No deflection. Tell me you don’t want me. Let me hear you say it.”
“We had sex one time.” Her index finger flipped up. “Six years ago.”
His mouth rounded, and his booted feet inched back a step. “You think all I want from you is sex?” The depth of his voice, the sting cutting through his tone—it had her pressing her palms to her abdomen.
She was hurting him and damned if his pain didn’t hurt her, too.
It was what the team needed, what the country required of them—to be coworkers. Plain and simple.
Although how could anything ever be easy with them?
He turned his back, his fingers diving through his hair, his corded forearms tightening, and the sleeves of his shirt bunched at the elbows, started to slip.
“I’m just trying to get back to my life,” she whispered, fighting the break in her voice. “To be who I was before I lost my mind.”
“And you want the wall back up between us?” he asked softly and slowly eased back around to find her eyes, shoving his sleeves back to his elbows.
“The wall should never have come down.” He’d been working at her with a chisel and blow torch before Berlin. But now all he had to do was hug her, and she turned into someone she didn’t recognize. How was that possible?
“Jessica, I know that’s what you think you want, but—”
“But nothing.” Her eyes fell shut because she couldn’t possibly look at him and say what she needed to. “Don’t you get it? I’m trying to be me again. We have to go back to the way things were before everything became so hard between us.”
“You can’t keep doing this,” he said, and she opened her eyes. “Pretending to be okay.” His pupils dilated a touch, and he remained quietly observing her as he waited for her to speak.
“I’m not pretending,” she responded once she found her voice.
“I call bullshit, and you know how I know?” He stabbed the air. “I was like you before joining the team.”
She swallowed, her chest feeling as if her lungs were collapsing. “Yeah, and what changed?”
“You,” he whisper-said. “You changed me.” He took a breath and mumbled, “Whether I like it or not.” He focused on her mouth before his brown eyes flicked back to hers.
“You’re still a Teamguy,” she sputtered, willing her tone not to waver. “And I’ll always be Luke’s sister. Plus, there are about a million other reasons why there can never be more between us, even if . . .” Now it was her lower lip quivering.
“Even if what?” He edged closer, eating up almost all the free space between them, and she knew she’d come far too close to revealing the truth. The truth she wouldn’t even confess to herself.
“After Berlin, this is the last thing we should be discussing.”
He turned his head as if he didn’t have the stomach to look her in the eyes while she attempted to deflect. “You could’ve died without ever . . .” It was him dropping his words this time, and maybe he realized they’d be wasted on her.
“Go to Mexico, and when you come back, can we please go back to normal?”
“Normal?” He faked a laugh. “Sure. As normal as us kissing in Central Park at Christmas? As normal as the way you make me feel every time we’re in the same room together?
” He surrendered both palms in the air. “That’s the only normal I know.
” The room grew quiet, so quiet she could hear the beats of her heart, and he turned and started for the door. “See you later, Jessica.”
Jessica. Not Peaches.
Part of her wanted to crumble to the floor, but no, she’d done this to herself. She deserved whatever punishment came along with hurting the man she cared about.
When he was out of sight, the past catapulted to the front of her mind, a reminder as to why she had to sacrifice her wants and needs.
You’re like Superwoman, Ara had said when she’d first arrived in Berlin over six years ago.
Nah, I’m no one special, Jessica had responded.
You are to me. You’re my hero. Ara had hugged her, and she’d let her do it. She had even hugged her back.
She’d realized then she needed to do more.
And right now, she needed to be the woman Ara had thought her to be.
She needed to be a hero.
And heroes didn’t have time for love.