Steamy Dreamy Hearts

Chapter 13

CHAPTER

THIRTEEN

SMACK

I really did speed a few times on the way to town, but after we reached my driveway, I wasn’t sure what to do or say. Caleb looked uncertain as well.

“So.” He peeked at me shyly.

“So. Are you hungry? I’m low on food, but we could have pasta or something?”

“No, I’m good.” His pretty brown eyes met mine, slid away.

I took a breath. “Okay, me either.”

God, I wanted this . I wanted Caleb, right now, right here. There had been so many stops and starts to even imagining I’d have a chance with Caleb. I ached for this.

I shook off my nerves and gestured for him to come with me into the house. His gaze took in all the details as if he had been waiting to come inside. I winced a little at the piles of clutter. The pile of mail, the shoes near the door, the throw pillows that never made it to the couch.

“It’s clean but not super neat,” I apologized, scooping up some of Erin’s scuffed sandals and tossing them into the closet.

Caleb looked up at me with a sweet smile. “It’s fine.”

“I should probably have asked you how you felt about kids,” I asked, my whole body clenched as I waited on his answer. Did Caleb see himself as a parent one day? I was a package deal. Erin was first always. It had to be that way.

Caleb chuckled. “Imagine me a dad? I love my sister’s kids, but I let them get away with so freaking much.”

“You are a pushover.” I forced a smile.

This was the moment I should have questioned him more about Erin specifically. How did he see himself in her life if not as a potential parent? And if not as a parent, then what were we even doing?

But I didn’t say anything. I let the moment pass. I wanted it to pass.

Whatever time we might have together, before Erin returned at the summer’s end, I wanted to spend it with Caleb. It was selfish, I knew… And maybe…he’d change his mind? I couldn’t risk Erin’s feelings, so it would have to be done carefully. Pushover or not, he’d also be kind and thoughtful…a good dad.

I shook my head. My mom had gotten to me. It was far too early between me and Caleb to entertain thoughts like these.

“I did wonder why you never asked me to babysit,” Caleb said suddenly, interrupting my thoughts.

“What?” I turned to look at him.

He smiled, but his eyes were sad. “Phin was always the go-to for watching Erin, or Kamira when she could handle the commuting. Never me. Is it because I’m too flighty or something? I might be a pushover, but I’m also responsible?—”

“No, that’s not—it was never about your babysitting skills.” I felt my cheeks heat. “Truthfully, I was trying to keep you at a distance from me, not from Erin. The idea of you in my house, away from work…”

“Oh,” Caleb said, and then he smiled for real. His eyes sparkled. “And now? How do you feel now that I’m here?”

I swallowed and took his hand. With our fingers linked, I gained some courage and continued the tour of the house.

I led him down the hallway, aware of how I’d left my bedroom. I halted in my tracks. Caleb knocked into me from behind.

“Why’d we stop?”

Oh fuck. I had to be honest with him, but I would lose it if he left. I would curl up into a lonely ball and fucking die.

I took a breath. My hand had a death grip on his now, so I loosened it.

“I want you,” I said, half growl, half plea.

“Me, too.” Caleb raked his fingernails over my palm. “Badly.”

Even that smallest of touches had me throbbing, my heart racing. I quickly kissed the back of his hand in answer.

“But before we go inside, I should say…you asked about Dan before. He and my mom got along well. Dan was easygoing and a good father, a good husband.” My teeth sank into my lower lip. “I do have some pictures of him around.”

“That makes sense.” Caleb stared at the ground.

“Are you okay with it? We could stay out in the living room or something?”

He pursed his lips and looked up at me with a hard stare. “No, I want to be with you in your bed. Or is it a problem ’cause it’s Dan’s bed?—”

“No, I got a new one last year. He liked it soft. I always wanted a harder platform bed and—fuck. Am I ruining this?” I rubbed the back of my neck. “How about a drink before we go in? I have wine?”

Caleb gave a tentative smile. “Yeah, I like wine.”

We turned around and padded into the kitchen, and I took out a chilled Chardonnay. After pouring two glasses, I handed Caleb one of them.

“To a successful containment of the wildfire.”

“And a good road trip,” Caleb added.

We clinked glasses, and I sipped the crisp flavor of the wine. We drank in silence.

“I’m ready to complete the house tour.” Caleb’s chin went up. “Take me to the bedroom.”

I drained my glass, took his, and put them near my sink. “Same.”

This time, I didn’t hesitate at the bedroom door. I led Caleb inside. I had replaced the bed and added a small desk area, where I paid my bills. Dan hadn’t liked the idea of combining rest with chores, but I found it easier. But the closets still held a few of his clothes. And on our bedroom walls was a row of pictures, mostly with Erin, a few shots of us alone.

Caleb let out an audible breath. “Okay.” He put his hands on his hips and nodded at the pictures.

“Okay?”

“Yeah. This is okay. It’s normal to have this.” He pointed at the framed pictures. “You made it sound as if…”

“What?”

He snorted. “I was expecting a giant shrine to Dan. The way you spoke outside—I was worried I couldn’t get romantic underneath an altar built to Dan.”

“Hardly that.” I ran a finger down the picture of Dan holding Erin. “But I did shut down after he died. First in grief and then…I don’t know, it felt wrong to try and date. Like I would be…cheating on him.”

“It’s not, though.” His voice was soft.

I stared, so grateful for him. But I wasn’t quite ready to let myself off the hook.

“Logically, I get that. It’s just…I haven’t dated.”

“You mean before Dan?” Caleb took a step closer to me.

I went stubbornly silent.

Caleb stopped walking and tilted his head, his mouth falling open. “Sean?”

“I meant at all.” I licked my dry lips. “Dan was really it for me. I’d spent some years denying who I was, then some others focused on my job. Then Dan came along…but my experience is really limited. But then…you.” Our eyes met. “At the fire, I was high on emotions and desire, and I wanted to kiss you so badly I couldn’t not kiss you… But now, I’m so fucking nervous. I’m trembling. What if—it might not be all that good? It’s been so long, and I?—”

Caleb kissed me. His warm mouth pressed to mine as he stroked my back, and I sighed into the kiss, letting go of the fear for a moment, simply feeling. His taste was so damn good my toes curled. Regardless of what happened next, I wanted this.

“It will be good. Because it’s you and me,” Caleb whispered.

“You and me,” I murmured. We kissed some more. Our tongues tangled, and we moaned in unison. I thrust my hips at him, letting Caleb feel my hardness. “I’m so ready for you.”

In answer, Caleb began to undress me, kissing my collarbone, my chest. I followed his lead, kissing the places I exposed. The scars. I ran my hands over their shape. Caleb, for once, didn’t seem to hide them. When I kissed one ridged area, he even let out a soft sound. I made my way to his firm stomach. Caleb’s burns started at his forehead and went all the way down to his lower chest on one side. After that, the scars stopped, and the skin was even and unblemished.

I kissed the skin near his navel. I wanted to touch him everywhere, make him get off, make him come.

Caleb got out of his jeans, wrestling them down over his legs.

“What’s this?” I skimmed my fingers over the revealed silky material.

“Underwear.” He raised his eyebrows.

“Funny.” I pursued my lips. “ I’m wearing underwear. This is something else.” I gulped. I circled my hands around his exposed ass.

“I know you’re old, but I thought thongs were invented by your coming of age,” Caleb snickered, then gasped when I pinched his pretty left cheek.

“Just seems impractical. You wore these on fire days?”

“It’s not fire day.” He gave a cocky grin.

“No, but why on earth would you pack them?”

Caleb stilled, his smile fading. “Because they remind me of who I was.” He chewed his lip. “My back and my ass still look good—the burns are in the front—so wearing a thong…I don’t know. I try to wear them often and remind myself that at least part of me is still sexy. Even if I don’t wear them, it helps to pack them.”

“You don’t need special underwear for that. You’re sexy as fuck. Just as you are.”

Caleb’s mouth opened. Then he grabbed my face with both hands and kissed me. Hard.

“Sean…you make me feel more beautiful because before you, I dated a lot of wrong guys. Guys who didn’t treat me so great. Even before the fire, I always stayed with them out of some fear I wasn’t enough. And I see now it was bullshit. That I had to find my worth without them. I’m still working on it, to be honest. I can be a thickheaded idiot. About guys. About my value. But today? I’m so grateful to have dated Tanner and all the other creeps. Because it made me able to break free and find you.”

Our mouths met again, a softer kiss this time. I stroked the skin of his neck.

When we parted, Caleb smiled and touched a finger to his lips. “That was a perfect kiss.”

“I aim to please.”

“Oh, you do. You will.” He shimmied out of the silky thong, then spun around, letting me see everything.

I caught my breath. His dick was long and perfect, his thighs meatier than I’d imagined. And the curve of that ass, thong or no thong…

Caleb stopped his fashion twirl and stepped near me. “One day, I’ll get you to wear one, Sean.”

My gaze dropped to the bright pink thong on the floor. “Unlikely.”

“We’ll see.” Caleb laughed, tugging me closer. “For now, let’s see those tighty-whities.”

I smiled and obeyed. It was good to see this side of Caleb, not thinking about his scars. I imagined this was a glimpse at his old self, the confident, brash youth who had boys dropping at his feet.

He was still in there, mixed in with the Caleb I knew, the sensitive man, older than his years on paper, brave and sensitive.

I liked both sides of him. I fucking liked all of him.

He could have me forever, I thought, if he wanted to.

Our clothing shucked, we came together, stroking each other’s bodies. I grabbed a fistful of his ass, kissed down the side of his neck. Caleb tilted his head, eyes closed, murmuring soft encouragement.

Soon, we stumbled onto the bed, and my balls throbbed, my dick pushing at his thigh.

“Condom? Lube?” Caleb asked.

I kissed his mouth, sucked on his tongue, not answering. He gave a throaty moan. Our cocks bumped, and we groaned in unison. With a loud curse, I broke contact and dug in my nightstand for supplies.

I knew we should slow it all down, but I had to have him. I needed Caleb to be mine.

“ You look so commanding,” Caleb said hoarsely. “Fucking hot.”

“And you’re beautiful,” I replied. “Stunning.”

He started to object, and I leaned in and kissed his lips. I took his cock in a gentle hold, squeezing the cockhead a little, feeling a splash of precum.

If only for this moment in time, let Caleb believe he is beautiful. And let me believe he is mine.

Panting, I gave him one messier kiss. Our tongues battled, then surrendered to each other.

Caleb took the lube. I gasped at the sight of him slicking his hole. He lay back, raising up his thighs. My cock ached, my movement jerky as I slid on a condom. As I entered him, I felt Caleb clench all around me, holding me, our bodies bringing each other life. Life-giving —that was what sex felt like after so long.

I had no idea how much this was true until I was inside Caleb. I thrust forward, shouting in surprise at how deep I got so quickly. How much heat his body had to offer. A whine left me.

“Oh Jesus.” This was perfect torment.

I thrust harder, once, twice. With a deep groan, I came all too soon, with Caleb humping against me, soon following.

“Ahh.” I buried my head in his neck. “Fuck, I was so fast. I’m sorry…”

“It’s fine.” Cab tugged my hands away. “It’s been so long for you. I expected that. And now, well, we have all night to do it again.” He winked.

“I just…thank you…for not being mad.” I flushed.

“Sean. I’m doing this with you again. Like really soon.” His smile widened. “As soon as you recover, old man.”

“Yeah.” I gave a goofy grin, not feeling old. I felt younger, lighter.

We cuddled. Caleb licked some sweat on my chest before nuzzling me there. I gave no resistance as he explored my body a little. He played with my chest hair, and each touch, each kiss, felt so good.

I stared deep into his eyes. He was so kind. And Caleb still wanted me. Despite the awkward quickie, he was holding my hands, encouraging me. Even better, Caleb gazed at me like a kid sensing candy.

It turned out I did not need much recovery.

If our first time was a heated rush, this time was an exploration, no longer fast.

This time, I would hold back.

“Tell me what you need,” I urged. “Let me give you all of it.”

“Sean,” Caleb panted. I stroked his length gently.

“You can have it all. This is your turn. Tell me. I’ll give you anything.”

“Yes,” he breathed. “My turn.” He spread his legs. “Suck me.” Caleb inhaled a big gulp of air. “Now.”

I tasted. His dick was so silky smooth. I gave the cockhead a little nip, then licked the head, tasting his precum. He moaned, and I became greedy for more moans and noises. I ran my tongue along the underside. My whole body heated at his sharp yelps of pleasure. He writhed under me, and I sucked him harder.

Caleb said my name in a desperate growl. “I can’t take this!”

“Yeah, you can,” I ordered before taking him down my throat again.

The taste of his arousal had me moaning, too. I pulled away for a minute to fight for control. I wrapped my mouth over Caleb’s balls, sucking at one, another, rolling them against my tongue. Caleb bucked his hips.

“More, please,” he begged.

I loved his cock. The smell, taste. But I was eager for more.

So was Caleb. He rocked against me, dug his fingernails into my shoulders. His thigh muscles tightened as I sucked once more, and his length pulsed in my mouth.

Caleb banged at my shoulder. “Please, enough. Oh God!”

I stopped sucking but began to lick his cock, swirling my tongue at the wet, meaty head.

“Sean, I can’t…” He gulped. “I need you inside me again.”

“Now?” I teased.

“Now…” Caleb whispered, like somebody caught in a spell.

“I will. But first, I need to… Can I rim you?”

“I’d love that.” Caleb shut his eyes. “Nobody has in a long time.”

Caleb gave a shaky laugh. He spread his ass open for me. I took it. My balls were tight as hell. But no way was I hurrying this time. I wanted Caleb fucking sobbing when I finally claimed his ass. I tongue fucked him until his hole was wet and loose. Still, I wasn’t going to have this second chance be quick. Not like the first one.

I slowed, making Caleb beg a little, even as he still laughed. He didn’t laugh when I licked his taint. I grinned and moved lower. I hummed as I worked him over, my pulse racing with his every loud moan. Pausing, I traced his rim with my fingers and stretched the sensitive skin, then parted those sweet cheeks again and began to eat him out more. Soon, my tongue was like a hammer.

Caleb gasped and grabbed at my head. With no hair to really pull there, his hands slid to my shoulders. I laughed, still fucking him with my tongue.

“So good,” Caleb managed.

It was like nothing else. We were lost in our own special rhythm. I keep my mouth on him. Ignoring the little smacks at my shoulders, the low whimpers, I gave him more, and my tongue hit the right spot.

“Oh!” Caleb cried out. “Right there.”

“Good?” My dick hurt to release. But seeing Caleb’s pleasure was worth it. My heart was in my throat as he moaned in reply.

“I’m gonna—Sean!” I felt him freeze before he came, frantically and in heavy ribbons of cum.

I stifled a moan and controlled myself.

“Fuck.” He hung his head, his breath hitching. He urged me to move inside of him. I smeared his cum from his dick and brought it to my lips for another taste before I got a condom and entered him, easily penetrating his loose ass while he panted.

Caleb hugged me with his thighs. “Come for me.”

“Not…yet.” I rocked into him harder.

“Come!” he repeated sharply. “Please,” he added in a begging tone.

I pumped into him. My dick thickened, and with one more rock of my hips, I fell apart in his arms. Fucking stars, I swear, they exploded behind my eyes at the moment I orgasmed. Convulsing with pleasure, I was only half-aware of Caleb grasping his dick and pumping with me for a final climax. His eyes rolled to the back of his head, mouth wide open. I shot a final load with a deep groan.

I filled the condom, grunting. Caleb trembled, a few more creamy shots of cum covering his cock and stomach.

Then we were both beyond done. I slumped down onto him, our heavy breathing the only remaining sound.

“That time was a lot longer. Like marathon-level long,” I said finally, rolling to my side. I stroked my hand over Caleb’s nipples, down his stomach, and rested a possessive hand on his thigh.

Caleb snickered. “Proud, are you?”

I gave a cocky grin. “Damn right.”

Caleb laughed.

He had a beautiful laugh.

I toyed with his fingers before kissing the center of his palm.

I wanted him. Not just for this moment, either.

But we had a ton of things to figure out. Like I was still his boss, and this was all new to us, and then there was Erin to think about, and?—

I wanted him.

I just did.

He turned his face and rubbed at my shoulder. Holding him—it felt so right. Like Caleb was meant to fit right near my heart. Guilt hit me as hard with the thought.

Go away. I closed my eyes for a minute. I wanted to be happy—I was happy. I didn’t need… this. The picture of Dan was right there, watching. Reminding me. I didn’t deserve this happiness.

And Caleb? He was happiness.

To have more days like this with him would be humbling and amazing and beyond…everything. I had loved Dan, but this would be…

Fuck.

I shifted slightly before I pulled away, sitting up.

“Sean?” Caleb sat up, too. “What is it?”

I stared straight ahead at the bedroom wall. The pictures.

“Sean?”

“The thing is, Dan might not have a shrine, but his memory has haunted me. It’s why I haven’t—until you.”

Caleb touched my arm. “I understand. His death was such a shock.”

“We always talked about the dangers of my job, never him going first. And that night of our car accident—my job led to his death.”

“What do you mean?” Caleb whispered.

I blinked a few times before replying. Tears wouldn’t come. Tears would be a relief, but I felt wound up tight. I turned and met Caleb’s eyes. “We had a terrible fight about it. It was supposed to be a weekend getaway. My mother had Erin, and it was our first time away from her. But instead of having a good time, we got into it about the job. And I wanted to stay at the hotel, but Dan was angry with me and insisted we go.

“Dan wanted to be back with Erin. She was just a toddler. More than that, he wanted away from me. He yelled, and Dan rarely did that, so I knew it was a fight that wouldn’t simply go away. He meant it. That I should spend more time with them, maybe quit the firehouse. I gave him the silent treatment in response. If I’d have just talked to him…”

“Stop it.” Caleb shifted, gathering me into his arms. “It’s not your fault. People have fights.”

“Dan drove still angry. Normally, we split a long drive, or I did the bulk of the driving, but when I offered to drive, he turned me down. We didn’t talk, like we should have. I shut my eyes and slept. The next thing I knew—” My voice cracked. “Fucking my fault.”

Caleb rocked me in his arms. He kissed the side of my shoulder. “It wasn’t.”

“But it was.” My heart dropped. For a second, I saw the twisted metal of the car, heard Dan’s sharp scream that jerked me awake. “I was the better driver. And I never should have let him try to drive the whole way or drive with such little rest and so angry at me. And I was angry at him. He was determined we leave, even though we were exhausted from fighting. It was late, and it made no fucking sense to go. Sometimes, I’m still so angry at him—if we’d only stayed at the hotel. If only he’d listened.” I swallowed, my throat raw with emotion.

“So, you’ve been punishing yourself for years. Not dating. Not letting go of the anger or guilt,” Caleb concluded softly. He cupped the sides of my face. “I never met Dan, but I heard stories about him. And it’s clear how much you guys loved each other, despite some fight. I think he’d want you to be happy again.” He gently thumbed away one of my tears.

Tears? Was I crying?

I was. That did it. I let go, for once, allowing myself to grieve openly, not holding it in. I let them fall, and Caleb kept holding me, soothing me. I felt like the air pressure inside of me was finally released.

“Thank you for listening.” My lashes and cheeks were wet. My voice, though, steadied.

“Welcome. And for what it’s worth? I think Dan would’ve understood.”

“Maybe. I hope so. Dan wanted Erin and me to be happy and healthy more than anything else. It’s why he worried about my job. Dan was gentle. His yelling shocked us both that night. I was the grumpy one out of the two of us. Not him.”

“You? Shocker.”

A ghost of a smile crossed my lips. “Dan liked the idea of me being a firefighter, but not the reality of it, especially once Erin came along.”

“The job takes a lot from everybody.”

We said nothing after that. He understood the cost, same as me. And Caleb still loved the work, same as me. Connecting like that, understanding the job—I felt some stress leave my body. I didn’t need to justify my choices, not to Caleb.

I stroked the side of his neck, a ridged patch of skin beneath my fingers.

Caleb held me, and I inhaled his scent, breathing in his skin, like fresh rain with a hint of orange spice. My fingers traced a path along Caleb’s chest. How could I regret being with him? Caleb was so sweet, so good. I couldn’t regret it any more than I could bring Dan back. Dan and Caleb looked nothing alike, but I saw it then, how I was drawn to gentle, hopeful men. The ache to get it right this time—if I could—lingered in me. For the first time in a long time, I was hopeful, too. The more time we spent together, the more time I wanted.

“Are you doing okay?” Caleb asked, breaking the silence, and he gnawed at his lower lip, his eyes wide with concern.

“I like that you’re here,” I murmured. I hugged him to me, tightening my arms around his middle.

“I like it, too,” Caleb answered. He brushed his lips against mine before settling down on his stomach.

I nuzzled him as his breath became even. My sheet half covered his legs; the rest of Caleb’s body was exposed, and I drank in his face—the days’ worth of scruff, his hair over his eyes. I saw few scars when he slept this way with his ass up. His front bore the brunt of them; only a few were visible on his upper arm and shoulder.

Caleb’s words from the start of our road trip came back to me—how he saw himself as split. How this Caleb was not as worthy as the older, unmarred one.

I bent down and kissed the start of his scars.

I was also split after Dan. But maybe I could do this? Slowly, of course, because of Erin, but it was possible. To open my heart again.

Without waking him, I slid my arm around his waist and nestled closer. Maybe things would be okay. I’d get more days with Caleb. Erin was still away. I had time. Caleb and I could spend it together, building on what we started.

Who would have thought Caleb and I would get to this place? For the first time, I let myself imagine the future.

I smiled in the darkness.