Chapter 1
CHAPTER 1
G lass shattered as a heavy piece of furniture slammed into the kitchen wall, rattling the framed family photo clean off the hook in the den. Ducking behind the sofa, hiding in the shadows of the corner, Erin covered her ears.
“I told you not to burn it!” The roar of her father’s anger stole the air from the house.
“You’re overreacting?—”
Erin winced, shutting her eyes tight as the slap of her father’s hand cut off her mother’s excuses.
“I work every goddamn day so that you can have a roof over your head and food on the table! Do you have any idea the stress I’m under to keep our store open? I can’t compete! That crumb cake is what brings in my customers. It’s what keeps them loyal to this family.”
They were familiar words Erin had heard before. Words that scared her enough to never visit any other hardware store other than her dad’s. Although Erin had never been outside of Center County, so she had no idea where those bigger stores were.
“I’m tired of this!” her mother shrilled.
Erin peeked around the arm of the sofa where a heavy glass ashtray sat. A cigarette had burned to the filter and the smoke snaked through the dim living room. The family photo that had fallen to the floor now had a crack down the center of the glass. Her parents’ shadows fell on the kitchen wall like puppets in a play, but this was real.
“I’m leaving, Ward. I can’t live like this anymore.”
“Leaving,” he scoffed and Erin didn’t need a clear view to picture his sneer as he paced. “Where you gonna go? Can’t cook for shit. Never lost that baby weight. And everyone around here knows you’re a lousy housekeeper.”
“I don’t care what they think. They ain’t gonna be where I’m going.”
Everything stilled. When her father finally spoke, his chilly tone caused Erin to shrink deeper into the shadows. “You wanna leave? Go. But if you walk out on this family, don’t you ever think of coming back.”
“Believe me, I won’t.”
“You’d abandon your children?” he roared and something heavy crashed into the wall. Pots and pans clattered and more dishes shattered as her mother screamed and the shadows collided. “Heartless bitch!”
“Ward, no!”
The unmistakable whip of her father’s leather belt chased Erin out of the house like the hounds of hell were upon her. She ran down a back road until the houses disappeared and the pavement changed to dirt. Her little legs pumped as hard and fast as she could manage.
She didn’t slow when twigs and rocks cut into her bare feet. Nor did she retreat to find the soft red ribbon that fell from her pigtail. She didn’t stop because she never wanted to go back. She wanted to run away forever.
It was dusk when she made it to the top of the mountain. Most people feared the bear that lived in the woods, but not her. Erin feared the monsters that hid in the open, the monsters that smiled and passed out crumb cake to townsfolk, wore pressed shirts and clean slacks. Those were the monsters that kept her up at night.
The log cabin stood out like a painting on the page of a storybook, perfect and peaceful, a place that seemed like a safe escape. Creeping around the back, she grabbed a few pebbles off the gravel drive and hid behind the large sycamore closest to the house.
She flung a pebble at the corner window on the second floor. When no one appeared, she threw another. The glass slid open.
“Who’s out there? Sheilagh, is that you?”
Erin peeked out from behind the tree and Luke McCullough scowled at her.
“What the heck are you doin’ throwin’ rocks at my window, Erin Montgomery? You’re gonna break the glass.”
“Get Finnegan,” she hissed, ducking back behind the tree again.
Luke’s twin, Finnegan, poked his head out the window and she waved him down. A minute later and the screen door snapped open and shut. “Erin?”
She’d been too set on getting away to face her fears, but now, as her friend looked at her with concern in his blue eyes, she burst into tears. “My momma’s leavin’.”
Finn’s arms wrapped around her shoulders as he followed her down to the dirt ground. He smelled of outdoors and sweat and some kind of cinnamon dessert he likely ate after supper.
“What do you mean, she’s leaving?”
“She doesn’t want to live in that house anymore. They were fightin’ again.”
They scooted back, fitting snug between the thick roots of the sycamore as they each drew their knees to their chest. She wiped her eyes and tucked her fallen hair behind one ear. She’d be in trouble for losing another ribbon.
“Will you go with her?”
Erin hoped so. “I don’t know.”
Finn’s hand closed around hers, their small fingers lacing tightly. “Will you visit?”
She shrugged and sniffled. “I don’t wanna visit him.”
“What about me?”
Finnegan was her closest friend. McCullough and Montgomery always sat next to each other in class so they’d been friends since kindergarten. Once, he told her he was gonna marry her. But Erin didn’t want a husband, on account of them gettin’ mean and bossy over time. But Finn swore not all husbands yelled.
“My dad’s nice,” he once told her. “He loves my mother more than the stars love the sky.”
Erin didn’t know if such a love was possible, but she figured if it was, she could put up with that sort of marriage. So she promised Finn she’d marry him only if he loved her like the stars love the sky.
She leaned her head on his bony shoulder and stared at the forest line of trees as the sky caught fire under the falling sun. “You’re my best friend, Finnegan, but sometimes I think I might die if I stay here.”
“We’re nine, Erin. That’s too young to die.”
“I don’t mean with wrinkles and age like old people die. I mean, sometimes, it feels like that house steals the life out of me. I’m here, but if I stay, eventually, there will be nothing left of me, nothing good. If you really loved me like the stars love the sky, you wouldn’t ask me to stay here.”
He sniffled and scooted closer. “Who’s gonna skip rocks and climb trees with me?”
“You have your brothers and sisters to play with.”
“I guess.”
When the sun finally faded and the sky darkened to a deep blue, she brushed the gravel off the soles of her feet. Cuts and mud tore up her skin, but she didn’t care. “I gotta get back.”
“Don’t go yet.” His brow pinched under a swath of blond hair. “I don’t know when I’ll see you again.”
She crouched to kneel in front of him. “Don’t be sad, Finnegan. Be happy for me. If I’m not at school tomorrow, tell yourself it’s because I went to a better place. Miss me like I’ll miss you, but don’t be mad at me. I couldn’t bear it.”
“Promise you’ll write me letters as soon as you get to your new home.”
“I promise.”
He hugged her so tight, she felt his arms around her several minutes after he let go.
When she crept back into her house, the television played quietly and her father slept on the chair in the den. Harrison’s door was shut and a light showed from the crack.
“Momma?” Knocking at her parents’ bedroom, the hinges creaked as the door glided open. The room was dark and Erin tiptoed inside. “Momma? Are you sleeping?”
She approached the bed, only to find it empty, the coverlet in place.
Frowning, she clicked on the bedside lamp. “Momma?”
Erin turned, scanning her parent’s bedroom. The glass tray that usually held her mother’s perfumes was empty. Her stomach hollowed until an ache formed in her spine. She lurched to the dresser and pulled a drawer open. The empty weight of the wood caused her breath to hitch.
Yanking open another drawer and then another, she gasped as every trace of her mother vanished. She rushed to the closet and slid open the door, only to find empty hangers beside her father’s flannel shirts and slacks.
“No.” Tears flooded her eyes. Blinking hard, her vision blurred. She turned and?—
The slap knocked her clear off her feet and she fell to the floor.
“What do you think you’re doing in my room?”
Erin cupped her blazing cheek. “Where’s Momma?”
“What did I tell you about coming in here? Go to your room!”
The clink of his belt buckle had her scurrying off the floor and racing to her bedroom. She slammed the door tight and dragged a chair across the carpet, wedging it tightly under the knob.
“Next time I catch you in my bedroom I’ll give you something to cry about!” Her dad’s fist hit the door and she flinched.
Crossing to the farthest wall, she slid her back down the plaster and watched the door.
Momma was gone. She left without even saying goodbye, left them here with him .
Like all the other times he hit her, Erin couldn’t go to school until the bruises healed. When she finally returned, Finnegan was thrilled and confused.
“You’re back!”
“I never left,” she said through gritted teeth. Afraid to show any emotion at school with so many watching, she kept her eyes hard and her stare cold.
“So your momma stayed?”
She knew Finnegan was only asking as a friend with her best interest at heart, but she couldn’t bear his cheer. “No, she didn’t stay,” she snapped. “Why would anyone stay here if they had somewhere better to go? Not everyone gets to live in some big storybook house on a mountain, Finnegan. Some of us just live in shitty little houses with shitty little lives.”
“Erin Montgomery, did I just hear a swear come from your mouth,” Mrs. Clemons asked, arms crossed as she stared down at Erin’s unfinished worksheet. “Finnegan, scoot your desk away from Erin’s and finish your work in the back. Erin, come up to my desk.”
“Great,” Erin grumbled as she slammed down her pencil.
Two days of detention and she’d earned an extra punishment for her language at home, which led to more time out of school and a big fat SEE ME on her math test the following week.
“I’m not raising lazy fools!” her father yelled when she was required to get a parent’s signature on her test.
“I missed a lot of school, Daddy. It’s not my fault.”
His cold glare caused her to shuffle back a step. “And whose fault is that?”
The breath in her lungs chilled and she trembled, pulling into herself without moving an inch. Her bones hurt at the mere thought of him hitting her again. “I’ll do better, Daddy.” The words rushed out, a shaky plea for mercy.
“You better.” He crumpled the test. “Throw this trash away.”
“No, don’t rip it! I have to return it with a signature.”
“Tough.” He tossed it in the bin on top of the soggy garbage. Shoving back from the table, he jerked open the fridge. Erin flinched when he slammed it shut and all the jars rattled. “Where’s your brother?” He yanked open the cabinets and slammed one after another until he finally pulled out a can of SpaghettiOs and tossed it on the counter. “Heat this up. Your mother left no food in the pantry.”
When he left the kitchen, she stared at the can, not a clue how to work the stove or how to cook food. Her jaw trembled and fury rose inside of her.
Since starting middle school, Harrison was never around. He was on the football team and Dad liked when customers talked about his games. He never lit up with pride when he talked about her, mostly because he didn’t talk about her. He only yelled at her when she was in his way or doing something bad.
Erin’s fury shifted to resentment when she cut her finger on the SpaghettiOs can. Resentment boiled into anger when she burned her palm on the metal handle of the saucepan. Sitting across from her father as they ate the overcooked mush was excruciating and she wanted nothing more than to escape to her room.
“You’ll have to make the crumb cake.”
A boulder filled her stomach and she blinked up at him. “I…I don’t know how.”
“So, you’ll learn. It’s about time you contributed around here. The recipe’s in the book. You have to follow it exactly and make one every day after school. The customers at the hardware store count on it, and if you want somethin’ better than canned noodles to eat, you’ll give the customers what they want. Understand?”
“Yes, sir.”
“And don’t leave a mess in the kitchen.”
She didn’t understand the abbreviations in the recipe, had no clue what tbsp or c might stand for. And they didn’t have enough butter in the fridge. She somehow managed to get a version of batter into the pan and mix a crumble topping that looked something like her mother’s.
However, the oven wasn’t cooperating and she didn’t know what she was doing wrong. Afraid to wake her father or upset him, she called Finnegan. He asked his mom and she told Erin which buttons to push and where the dial should be set. By the time Erin figured it out, she was exhausted and still had a worksheet to do for science homework.
Harrison came home long after dark and glanced at the crisped pudding that looked nothing like a crumb cake. “What’s that?”
“Where were you?” Erin snapped.
He scowled. “Out. What’s your problem?”
“Do you even care that Momma’s gone?”
“Yes, I care, but what do you want me to do? It’s his fault she left.”
Her jaw locked as unshed tears danced in her eyes. They both knew the monster he was. When he hit Harrison, her brother sometimes fought back, which only made their father angrier. The last time he beat Harrison it had been worse than ever before, and her brother had barely been home for more than sleep since.
She loved Harrison, so she couldn’t blame him, but in his absence, she took the brunt of their father’s abuse.
He jiggled the glass dish. “You can’t let people eat this. They’ll get sick.”
Her shoulders hurt and she just wanted to lay down. “I don’t know how to fix it.”
Harrison sighed and washed his hands. “I’ll help you.”
For the next hour, they deconstructed and reconstructed the sludgy ingredients in the dish. Adding more flour and sugar and baking it five minutes at a time until the mush finally stiffened to the consistency of cake. She never got to do her science homework but, luckily, Finnegan let her copy his answers in the morning.
Erin pushed her lunch tray away and held her stomach.
“Your belly hurt again?” Finn asked, brows drawn in concern.
It had been a year since her mother left and Erin often carried the stress of her abandonment in her stomach, but this felt different. “I’m not hungry.”
“Can I eat your brownie?”
She rolled her eyes. “Sure.”
When they walked home from school, the pain in her stomach got worse.
“Maybe you should go to the doctor. Do you wanna stop at the hardware store and tell your dad?”
“No. I just wanna go home. I have to finish my social studies project and make dinner.” The crumb cake also had to get baked, but after a year of following that recipe day in and day out, she could now bake the cake with her eyes closed and one hand behind her back.
He frowned at her. “You don’t look so good, Erin. Your skins all clammy and you’re pale.”
Even talking was difficult. Her mouth was overly wet and she worried she might throw up on the sidewalk. If anyone saw her puking on Main Street, they’d tell her dad and he’d get mad.
She swallowed back a mouthful of saliva. “I’m taking the shortcut. See ya tomorrow.”
Cutting through the back roads, she staggered toward her house. A sharp pain stabbed through her belly just as she walked in the door and she rushed to the toilet, falling to the floor and violently vomiting. She was in the bathroom on and off all evening, and when her father came home he was outraged that dinner wasn’t ready.
Erin cooked up a cut of beef and heated a can of corn, but couldn’t manage to eat a single bite.
“What’s wrong with you?”
She pushed the corn on her plate around with the tines of her fork. “I don’t feel good.”
“You’ve missed enough school this year.”
Her clothes clung to her glazed skin and she shivered. “May I be excused?”
He glared at her. “Get.”
She left the table and returned to the bathroom. All night, she tossed and turned with sharp cramps until she was so weak and sick she dared to wake her father where he slept on the chair in the den.
“What is it?”
“Daddy,” she held her stomach. “I think I need a doctor. I’m really sick.”
“Get a glass of water and get back to bed.”
As soon as she drank the water she threw it up. The next morning, she barely made it to school. When her social studies teacher asked for her project, she stood, prepared to make up an excuse, but as soon as she tried to speak, she collapsed and the world went black.
Several hours later, she awoke in a hospital bed with no appendix. Harrison was there. He told her their dad had come and gone.
The pain in her stomach had stopped, but her body was sore. The doctor said she could have died. He also asked about a bruise on her arm, his close attention filling her with worry that felt like worms swimming through her belly.
Such questions might upset her dad and make things worse at home. Ignoring the guilty sensation, she lied and said she must have bumped her arm on a desk when she fell at school.
She stayed in the hospital alone that night and slept more peacefully than she had in months. In the morning, the nurses gave her Jell-O.
When she returned home, Finnegan’s mom dropped off a container of homemade chicken noodle soup. Finn had made her a card with a crayon picture of them climbing a tree and a pressed daisy inside.
GET WELL SOON! LOVE, FINNEGAN
She smiled at the messy block letters and tucked the daisy carefully in her jewelry box the moment she returned home. Finnegan McCullough was one of the nicest boys she knew. If anyone would make a nice husband, he would. And for one tiny moment, she actually considered marrying her best friend.
Erin removed the crumb cake from the oven and the front door slammed.
“Fucking asshole!” Harrison stormed into the house and threw something heavy in the den.
Leaving the cake to cool, she rushed after him. “What happened?”
“What do you think happened? He’s fucking impossible and I’m done.” He plowed into his closet and yanked out an armful of clothes, throwing them onto his bed.
“What? What do you mean, done?”
“I mean I’m leaving. I’m out. I can’t live under this roof anymore.”
“You’re leaving?” True panic gripped her. “What about college?”
He laughed without humor. “ What college?”
“Harrison, you’re going to college. You’ve played football for years, and always talked about one day playing for a college team.”
“Well, Luke McCullough got the scholarship, and I got the scraps. Dad said it’s my fault for not pushing myself harder and he’s not giving me a dime when he already gave me all the opportunities I needed.”
Her heart sank. Luke got the scholarship? She briefly imagined the happy celebration that would take place at Finn’s house that night and a pang of envy carved a hole in her belly.
Harrison slammed a drawer shut. “He’s a fucking junior! That scholarship was supposed to go to a senior!”
“C-calm down. You can still get into a good school?—”
“Are you thick, Erin? College costs money and we don’t got any.”
“If you talk to Dad?—”
“No. It’s not worth it. I don’t need to feel more degraded than I already do. I’m done.” He flung open a suitcase and began tossing clothes inside.
“You can’t leave me here,” she whimpered.
His stare met hers and sympathy flashed in his eyes. “I can’t stay, Erin. Neither can you. You have one more year here and then you can go wherever you want.”
It wasn’t like that for her. Her dad wouldn’t let her just walk away. “What about the store?”
“Fuck that store.”
“But Dad needs you?—”
“Fuck Dad!” he roared. “Don’t you get it? He’s never going to change! He’s an abusive prick who loves his business more than he’s ever loved his family. If that fucking store burned to the ground, I’d dance on the ashes, and my only regret would be that he didn’t burn with it.”
It was then she noticed the shine of a fresh black eye on his skin. Her body quaked with adrenaline. “Take me with you.”
“No.”
“Please!”
“No.”
“Harrison, you can’t leave me here!”
“I don’t have enough money to take you. I barely have enough for food and gas. I don’t know where I’m heading and I don’t know where I’ll sleep tonight, but I know I’ll never spend one more night under his roof.”
Watching him pack up his belongings was the most excruciating pain she’d ever known—worse than getting hit with a closed fist and worse than realizing her momma left without even a goodbye.
When he left, she stared after his taillights until they disappeared. Abandoned again.
Erin glanced at the front door of their miserable house. Her father would be home any moment. The cake wasn’t finished and supper wasn’t ready, but she couldn’t bear to return inside. The silent emptiness would kill her for sure.
Staring up the road at the mountain, she ran, just as she’d run a hundred times before. There had been distance between her and Finn lately, and she knew why. He wanted more than friendship from her. He wanted something she didn’t know how to give. He wanted intimacy.
The problem wasn’t with him. Finn was perfect. He was the sweetest, kindest, handsomest guy she’d ever known. But he was also her closest friend and she didn’t want to lose him. It wasn’t fair that her reluctance to take their relationship into romantic territory seemed to be costing her their friendship anyway.
He was her sanctuary, her escape. He suspected her secrets enough to never ask for confirmation, enough to respect that she never wanted to talk about the terrible life she had at home. His home life was so different, and she didn’t think he’d truly understand even if she told him how awful it was, and she lacked the words to adequately explain all the cumbersome emotions she battled to carry and contain.
Finn was patient with her when she was sad or angry and couldn’t explain why. He was gentle when she needed a shoulder to cry on and loyal when she needed a friend to run to. Even now, she knew he would be the only person in the world she could go to, confused and upset, and he’d welcome her with open arms.
The further she ran the steeper the roads sloped. Huffing in heavy breaths, her leg muscles burned, as she cut her arm on a branch and turned off the dirt road. The cabin came into view and she raced up the dusty McCullough drive.
The front door opened and Finn soared down the porch steps, keys in his hands, before noticing her. Erin’s steps slowed as she caught her breath.
“Erin? What are you doing here?”
Her fist wedged into her side where a cramp formed. “Are you leaving?” She didn’t know why she was there, only that she wanted comfort.
“Kate’s in labor. Everyone’s at the hospital.” Such happy family news, such a contrast from her home life.
“Oh.”
He pocketed his car keys and closed the distance between them. “Are you okay?”
He looked into her eyes as if he could read the scars of brail upon her soul. She wasn’t okay. She hadn’t been okay in years. Her life was miserable and, now her brother was gone. She was all alone and scared and angry and unsure what to do with so many terrible feelings. Just once, she wanted to feel safe and loved and taken to a place where there was no possibility of pain.
“Do you have to go?”
He glanced over his shoulder at his car. “They’re expecting me.”
Because they were a family, incomplete without him. She didn’t have anyone that needed her like that. Blinking up at him, her heart scraped painfully like a rusty, old box as she tried to open herself up to him. “What if I asked you to stay?”
“Erin—”
“Please, Finn. I don’t want to be alone tonight. I want…” She swallowed, unsure what she wanted. Desperate to persuade him to stay, she said the one thing she believed he wouldn’t be able to refuse. “I want to be with you.”
Understanding dawned and the tension left his face. “Are you serious?”
Her chin trembled. “Yes.”
“But you said you weren’t sure.”
And she might never be. Crossing the last few inches that separated them, she hugged his waist and pressed her ear to his steadily beating heart. His arms naturally closed around her.
“Love me like the stars love the sky, Finnegan. Show me what that feels like.”
He lifted her chin until her stare met his, then he held her in his sights for several painful seconds. She feared he’d see her truth, see all the ugliness swirling inside of her, and reject her for being a scared liar.
She was scared to be with him, but never afraid of him. He was Finn, her safe place. “I need you, Finn,” she said truthfully. “Right now.”
When he kissed her, it seemed as though her feet left the ground. His emotions were palpable. Finnegan McCullough never did anything halfway. He led her into his home and up the wooden steps to his bedroom. The house was oddly quiet and the silence made her shiver as he stripped away her clothes.
He touched her gently, respectfully, and as if he’d touched others this way before. She frowned, wondering if he had, and a sharp bite of jealousy snapped down on her heart. Finn was hers. She didn’t want anyone else touching him this way.
Her mind was so tightly twisted in knots. She tried to unwind her tension but could never completely let go of it. Every caress caused a physical response, and she made the expected sounds, but she couldn’t fake the intimacy, she couldn’t mirror his openness and trust.
“What happened?” His fingers trailed over a yellowed bruise on her back and her spine arched, drawing her body away from his touch.
“Nothing.”
“Did you fall?”
He knew she didn’t fall, but he sometimes asked stupid questions like that so he could sleep at night and not worry about her.
A vision of her dad hurling his heavy ashtray at her flashed in her mind and the ache in her back throbbed anew. “Yeah, I fell.”
She guided his touch back to her chest and pressed her lips to his. No more talking.
She’d heard of girls crying when they lost their virginity, mostly because of the physical pain. Erin didn’t feel any of that, but she did cry.
When Finn held her more tenderly than anyone ever had, an ache formed in her heart and something shattered inside of her. The pain traveled to her throat, suffocating and tight, constricting until tears burned her eyes. And when he looked into her eyes and whispered, “I love you,” she understood how deeply something was broken inside of her because she didn’t have a clue how to love him back.
Eventually, like everyone else she cared for, Finn would leave her, and her life would be as bleak and dark as a sky without stars.