CHAPTER 21
You know what’s a real bitch?
Reflection.
I don’t want to think about all the shitty things I’ve done, and I certainly don’t want to feel guilty about them. There aren’t many things I regret, but I can’t say I’m free of regret either.
But it’s really fucking hard not to think about the guilt when you are standing on the side of a mountain, the world at your feet and the sky within reach.
We really are small. Specks of nothing in a sea of endlessness.
In a hundred years, no one will remember who we were but the deeds we committed? They’ll be whispered for generations.
I am not good. I never claimed to be, but perhaps I can be more.
Standing with Apollo off to the side, I watch Knox and the rest of them herd the cattle into a large, fenced pasture shaded by the tallest trees I’ve ever seen.
The river we stopped at earlier runs through the pasture, providing an endless stream of fresh water, and the grass here appears greener, thicker and lusher.
There’s a small hut set off to the edge of the pasture that one of the guys heads off to, waving a two-finger salute to the rest of them.
I guess he’s staying here until Knox does whatever he’s going to do with this herd.
When the herd is settled, Knox and Chase trot out of the pasture, Knox hopping off his horse to secure the gate before he lifts his hat from his head and wipes his forehead.
I’ve no idea of the time, but I do know I’m sore, tired and hungry and last I heard, we have another hour of riding to do to get to the campsite we’ll be staying at overnight.
If asked again, I’d do another drive. It’s been fun, freeing, even if for the second half Knox ignored me though he never left my side.
Chase and Knox head my way, and with a jerk of his chin he commands me silently to fall into step with the two of them.
Licking my dried lips, I do but I don’t ride by Knox like I did on the way up here.
Instead, I come up beside Chase, who gives me a skeptical look.
He’s a little pink from the sun, those freckles on his face standing out even more.
“What can I do for you, sweetness?” He asks.
“Just figured you’d be better company than the boss.”
He chokes out a laugh. “That so?”
I see Knox side-eye me, his shoulders stiffening. “Well, you actually talk to me.”
He chuckles, “Don’t take it personally; he does that to everyone he likes.”
“Chase,” Knox snaps.
I grin, “I don’t know how you work for a man like him, truthfully.”
“Yeah?” Chase’s smile back is cheeky, playful. “You know what, you’re right. He can be a real hardass.”
“If you two are quite finished,” Knox glares, “We have ground to cover before the sun goes down.”
“Don’t be like that, boss,” Chase teases. “You know we have time.”
“I swear to fucking God, Chase,” Knox snaps.
But Chase doesn’t heed his warning, “You really got up his ass, sweetness.”
“It’s a skill,” I flutter my lashes.
Knox presses his heels into Honey, spurring her to take off ahead of us, putting a good bit of distance between us.
Chase tuts loudly. “You really are under his skin. Never thought it would happen.”
I roll my eyes. “You’re mistaken.”
“Oh, I’m not. I’ve worked with that guy for a long time. I’ve seen women throw themselves at him, and he’s never batted an eyelash, but you?” He whistles, “He’s going out of his skin.”
I look at his body shrinking on the horizon the further he gets from us. Running, it seems.
“Don’t hurt him, Elena,” Chase’s tone turns serious, “Please.”
“I don’t intend to hurt anyone,” I bite a little harder than I intend.
“He’s been through a lot, far more than any person deserves, but especially him,” Chase sighs. “He gives, even if he goes without.”
I knew that already.
“I plan to change that,” I tell him. “He won’t go without anymore.”
Chase huffs a laugh, “Yeah, and how do you intend to do that, sweetness?”
“If I tell you that, I’d have to kill you.”
His face drops as his skin pales.
I don’t think he knows who I am, but I’m guessing his intuition is smart enough to give him at least a warning.
I throw him a wink, hoping to ease him before I press my own heels into Apollo’s side to spur him to break into a run. He listens without hesitation and lunges forward.
A shocked laugh erupts out of me, and I cling on as Apollo gallops, his dark mane blowing out behind him.
He is grace and power, his impressive body taking the turns on the trail without hesitation.
We fly through the trees, heading down the mountain toward Knox.
Behind me, I hear Chase coming up the rear on his own horse, his laugh an echo that bounces off the trees.
My skin prickles, my heart pounds.
I am wild.
I am free.
There are no shackles binding me. No threats awaiting my return. Hinging at the waist, I lower myself to Apollo.
“Look at you,” I praise the horse, “Go, sweet boy.”
Somewhere between the three of us, Judge runs with us, his happy barks bouncing back to my ears.
For a moment in time, I am not Elena De Luca.
I am just a girl on the back of a horse, riding down a mountain, chasing a man who could be the greatest love story she’ll ever experience.
I can’t help but laugh, the wind whipping through my hair, the sun’s warmth kissing my skin, the scent of pine and mountain air filling my lungs with each breath.
Trees close in on us, becoming tighter, the trail thinner, so I slow Apollo down, I don’t want him to hurt himself in such a tight space.
I can no longer see Knox, and Chase isn’t behind me.
In the distance, I can hear Judge barking, but I can’t see him either.
Pulling the reins a little, I bring Apollo to a stop, glancing back and then forward. Did I take a wrong turn? No, I swear I saw Knox come this way.
I cringe at myself. I am not this fucking girl.
Apollo swings his head back, his restless energy vibrating through me.
“I know,” I say, “Let’s just turn back.”
I steer his body around and stare ahead. Trees surround us with no obvious sign of where we entered.
“Fuck.”
Apollo lets out a distressed whinny, dancing on the spot, and I try to soothe him the best I can. Guilt overwhelms me as I smooth my hand down the side of his neck, attempting to ease him. He trusted me, and I got us lost.
What the fuck was I thinking running off from Chase like that!?
“Elena!?” Knox’s voice cuts through the trees.
“Here!” I yell back. “I’m here!”
I search through the trees, looking for him, and to the right, I see the light coloring of his horse, a stark contrast to the color of his clothes and hat. He trots toward us, his scowl one for the books.
“What the fuck are you doing!?” He snaps.
“I didn’t realize,” I swallow, “I thought you took this path.”
“You shouldn’t have run off without Chase!”
“You left!” I growl at him, “I’m here with you, not him! You left!”
He presses his tongue to his top teeth, “I figured you were smarter than that, Elena.”
My head snaps back. “Yeah, well, fuck you too.”
We stare at each other for a long moment before he shakes his head and turns Honey around, expecting me to follow.
I feel like a scolded child as I press Apollo to follow behind, allowing Knox to guide us from the trees and back onto the trail where Chase waits on the back of his horse, Judge sitting at his side.
He wags his tail when he sees us, but as if he senses the disconnection between us, his tail stops moving and his ears perk up.
I glance at Chase.
“Sorry,” He mouths on a cringe.
Yeah, me too.
We walk the rest of the way to the campsite in silence, in a sort of triangle with Knox taking up the point and me and Chase side by side, Judge walking to my right.
The sun is just going down, the light becoming muted but still plenty to see, and eventually after about an hour of walking, Knox slows when we come into a clearing.
It appears as if this has been used before, there're posts buried in the ground to tie up the horses, patches of scorched earth from fires that have been lit and put out. I follow Knox to the posts, coming to a stop when he does, and wait as he dismounts.
There’s nothing more humbling than needing help from a man who doesn’t want to give it.
But Knox is far too chivalrous to leave me up here.
He helps me down and even holds on when my knees buckle, waiting until I can get my balance to let go, but when he knows, he releases like my ass is on fire, stepping away.
He secures Honey, grabs the pack and storms away, ripping the hat off his head as he goes so he can run his hands through his thick head of hair.
Chase dismounts and ties up his own horse, looking to where Knox dumps the pack, digging into it to get what he needs out.
“You should have seen him,” Chase says quietly, tying a knot to secure his horse. “He was scared shitless, Elena.”
“Why?”
“You were lost.” His green eyes pin me. “When I caught up with him and you weren’t with me, he lost it. I am sorry for that. I didn’t see you take the wrong turn, otherwise I would have come after you.”
“It’s okay,” I touch his arm, hoping to ease his misplaced guilt. It’s a sixth sense, the way I feel when his eyes are on me. They burn, and sure enough, when I turn to look at him, he’s glaring in this direction, namely at the hand I have on Chase’s bicep. I don’t move it.
I hold his eyes, and I don’t falter.
If he wants to play, we can play, though I’m not sure he truly understands who he is playing with.
“Sweetness,” Chase fidgets uncomfortably, “As much as I like your hands on me, I don’t want his wrath.”
“Leave him to me.” I mumble.
“Oh shit,” He chuckles.
I let my hand fall from his body, ensuring I drag my hand in a motion that looks like a caress.
“All for it,” Chase laughs, “Gotta kick him, ya know?”
“We’ll see.”
Silence falls on the campsite as we all set up to settle in for the night. The horses graze at their stations, and the guys set up where we will sleep and a fire while I stand and watch. I offer a hand, but I’m told there’s nothing to do.
There’s a tension fizzling in the air that makes my skin feel too tight, so I step away, following a trail on the east side of the camp.
It’s a short walk, but I come up on a lake, fed by a stream that flows off the side of the mountain.
The water is clean; the surface rippling as it ebbs and flows against the banks.
With nothing to do and only so much daylight left, I strip off my clothes.
Pebbles bite the bare soles of my feet, my nipples peaking to the cool mountain air, but the water isn’t as cold as I thought it would be.
The sky is that dusty blue of twilight, the time when the sun hasn’t quite given up and the night is clawing to take over, and I wade into the water.
My clothes, underwear and all are left in a pile on the shore, and I walk until the water hits just below my breasts, breathing deeply to allow my body to adjust to the temperature change.
When I’m comfortable, I lift my feet from the pebbly ground and allow myself to float, dipping my head back to soak my hair.
The water is like silk as I push myself through it, staring up at the sky, a couple of stars already able to shine in the blue.
It washes away the sweat and the dirt, takes the heat clinging to my skin and once I’m further into the lake, I turn and allow myself to wade in the water, the silence and peace breathing life into me.
A branch snaps ahead of me, and Knox steps onto the shore.
He glances at the clothes, namely the bra on top, and then at me, a muscle in his jaw ticking.
“Don’t be shy, cowboy,” I call to him, “Come in with me.”
I expect him to roll his eyes or curse under his breath, but when he reaches for his shirt to take it off, my breath stalls.
He throws the shirt down next to mine, showing off his hard muscles that flex and roll with his movements as he goes for the buckle of his belt.
He strips down to his boxers and then wades into the water until he can no longer stand and then swims out to me.
His rough fingers whisper up my sides.
“You drive me fucking crazy.” He rasps.
“I guess we have that in common,” I admit.
“Do you like Chase?” He asks, a vulnerability coming over him I haven’t seen before.
My eyes bounce between his, “Are you jealous?” I repeat his own question.
His eyes lower to the surface of the water, but the light doesn’t allow him to see beneath.
“With you?” He swallows. “I think I’d burn the whole fucking world if I thought another man was stealing you from me.”
“But I’m not yours.”
“No,” He agrees. “You’re not.”
His hand curls around my waist, pulling me in closer but not enough we touch. He seems to be able to stand at this depth; the water stops just below his chin.
“Do you want me to be?” I whisper.
“I don’t know,” He admits honestly, the hand that was curled around my side running down to my hip before dipping inward, “And I’m fucking scared to find out.”
His thumb lowers further, running down the indent of my hip, toward my pubic bone, and he stills.
“You’re naked.” He rasps.
“What gave it away?” I tease.
“I thought–” He cuts his eyes to the piles of clothing on the shore.
“I’m naked,” I confirm for him.
He groans, “Fuck, Hellion.”
“Touch me,” I practically beg him.
His eyes bounce between mine, but then his hand dips and I feel his finger swipe through me. I falter in the water, dipping beneath the surface, but an arm comes around me to hold me up.
He scissors his fingers through me, but when his thumb presses to the bar pierced through my clit, we both freeze.
Me in pleasure and him in shock.
“Elena,” His voice is a plea, a prayer.
“Take.” I allow it. “Fuck. Knox, take.”