CHAPTER FOURTEEN #2
My jaw tightened, my conversation with Enzo shoving its way to the forefront of my mind. After Sienna had left for her cooking class, I'd gone to pick up my brother. On the drive to take out Daniel's scum, we'd had a brief, unexpected chat.
Enzo had surprised me when he'd asked if I thought Eve would say yes when he proposed to her. I'd been confident that she would. She loved the hell out of the don. And he loved her.
Yet, he'd looked torn, like he thought she might say no. According to Enzo, Eve seemed distant lately, more focused on Tower D than she was on him. I'd almost told him that he couldn't expect her to make him her entire world, but caught myself.
Wasn't that what I wanted from Sienna? I wanted to be her world. I wanted to be all that she needed. I hated sharing her, even with Eve. Even with Tower D. Especially with Terzo.
Since he was opening up to me, I’d decided to voice my own concerns to Enzo. I told him how I couldn't get Sienna to take the threats against her life seriously enough and how I was losing my mind worrying about her when she wasn't by my side.
Instead of taking my worries seriously, my damn brother started laughing. Laughing so hard that I'd almost pulled over and kicked him out of my car.
"Look at you," he'd laughed. "Weren't you the one who kept telling me you couldn't understand how I could be so obsessed with a woman and how you didn't understand how I'd let Eve become my entire world?"
He was right. I'd teased him for his extreme love for Eve. Now look at me, losing my mind over Sienna Keys. I was more than just losing my mind. I was losing myself, my soul, everything that made me who I was.
My every waking thought was consumed with her. I didn't even understand this feeling. In truth, it scared the hell out of me. I knew I was starting to scare her, too. However, I didn't know how to fix it. I didn't know how to fix myself.
I couldn't calm my nerves, my heart, or my fears. These days, I couldn't do anything right in her eyes. Everything I did upset her or made her pull away from me. I'd voiced these concerns and fears to Enzo only for him to look at me like I'd lost my damn mind.
"What the fuck is going on with you?" he'd asked.
I hadn't answered him right away because I didn't have an answer that didn't make me sound weak. And I didn't do weak. Yet my feelings for Sienna had me feeling weak as hell. Enzo always said his love for Eve made him stronger.
Even Sienna said our love was supposed to strengthen us. But I didn't feel strong at all. I felt vulnerable, defenseless, exposed. My dark past had helped me build a wall around myself, a wall that protected me, that helped me control my emotions.
Even when I was angry, I was able to regulate my rage. I never lost control. Ever since Sienna entered my world, all of that had changed. I got distracted on missions. Nightmares of her dying in my arms plagued me.
I often woke up in a cold sweat, reaching for her. Enzo told me to tell Sienna about my fears. I'd told her some of it. But all she said was that I didn't need to worry about her, that she could protect herself.
So what the hell did she need me for? Enzo couldn't give me the answers I needed, so I'd dropped the subject. But Enzo had never been the type to let shit go.
On our ride to track down Sienna and Eve, he'd said, "You lost control back there. That's not like you. Are you okay?"
He was right.
I had lost control.
But watching that video, seeing fake images of Sienna calling my name while some fucking stranger hurt her... it had unleashed something in me that I couldn't chain back up. I hadn’t told him that, though.
I'd just shrugged and said, "I'm fine."
He'd snorted at that.
"You're not fine. You're off. And I need to know why. This is more than just your obsession with Sienna. At one point back there, you checked out completely. You seemed to be in a trance. Your hands were trembling as you strangled that guy to death."
I'd thought about brushing his comments off again or telling him to mind his business. But holding all of that in was starting to kill me.
"I haven't been sleeping much," I finally admitted.
"Is it the nightmares keeping you awake or something else?" Enzo asked.
"That and something else," I admitted. "I keep waking up, expecting her to be gone. Expecting her to have left me because I wasn't enough for her or because I was too much for her. Or because I didn't know how to love her the way a normal man would."
"We're not normal men," Enzo told me. "And they're not normal women."
I knew that. Yet, I still had those nightmares.
"I don't want to talk about it anymore," I'd told Enzo as we neared the location of Eve's tracker.
"You don't have to talk about it with me.
At least discuss this with Sienna. Don't let your fears and your obsession get in the way of your happiness.
Likewise, Eve and I need to have a conversation about our future.
I need to make sure she wants a forever with me before I ask her to marry me.
I'm sure she does. But, I need to find out if there's anything I should change to make her happier. "
"What would you do if she asked you to stop being so protective?"
Enzo had stared out of the window then and sighed. "That would be like asking me to stop loving her. I can't do that. I’ll never be able to do that."
Neither could I. I'd have a better chance of ripping my soul out than becoming less protective of Sienna. But that intense need to protect her was what had landed me in my current predicament. It was the reason she was shutting me out…
Both literally and figuratively.