CHAPTER NINETEEN
STEFANO
“Don’t smile, Beast. You left me tonight. No matter what I do to make you mad, you can’t do that.”
Her words cut through me, sharp and precise like one of her blades.
I felt something inside me break, crumble beneath the weight of her disappointment.
She was right. I’d walked out when I should have stayed, run when I should have faced our problems. No matter how justified I felt in my anger, leaving had been a mistake, one I couldn’t take back.
“I know,” I said, admitting that I was wrong. “I have no excuse. I was wrong, Sienna. That will never happen again.” I paused, needing to ask the question burning inside me. “But can you say that you will never ditch security again and scare me to death like that?”
She opened her mouth, then closed it. Damn. That seemed to be a promise she couldn’t make. The silence that followed was all the answer I needed.
“Stefano, I know you mean well. But, I can’t breathe like this.”
Oh, shit. I released her immediately, afraid I’d been holding her too tightly.
“I’m not talking about you holding me,” she told me, a sad smile on her face. “I’m talking about the way you protect me.”
I went still. My entire body tensed as I prepared for what she was about to say.
“I can’t breathe,” she repeated, her voice softer now. “Everything I do feels monitored. Every move I make feels controlled. That’s not protection, Stefano. That’s a cage. And I’ve told you this before. But I don’t think you truly understand it.”
Her eyes searched mine, pleading for comprehension that I wasn’t sure I could give her.
“I know you’re willing to do anything to protect me. But you’re making me feel trapped, and I wish you would hear me when I voice to you how much I hate this feeling.”
I opened my mouth to defend myself, to remind her that I was just trying to keep her safe, but she raised her hand, stopping me.
“Don’t say you’re just trying to protect me. I know it. That’s why I feel guilty for feeling this way. But this is how I feel. I can’t live like this, Stefano. Do you hear me? Do you understand me?”
I didn’t want to hear this. I didn’t want to understand this. The thought of loosening my grip on her safety, of giving her the freedom she wanted, terrified me more than any enemy I’d ever faced. But ignoring it wasn’t the answer. Ignoring her concerns was never the answer.
The realization hit me like a physical blow. I could really lose her. I’d thought I could bear her hatred, as long as she was safe. But standing here now, seeing the pain in her eyes, I no longer believed that.
“I‘m sorry,” I whispered, the words feeling strange in my mouth. “I just realized I’ve been acting like my grandmother.”
Sienna’s eyes widened slightly at the comparison.
“Her love was suffocating. In truth, it was abuse. Yeah, she was physically abusive when I was younger. But she was also emotionally abusive,” I said, the admission scraping my throat on the way out. “And I think I’m doing that to you, Sienna.”
The words tasted bitter, acidic. I’d spent my life trying to be nothing like the woman who’d raised me, yet here I was, repeating her patterns with the woman I loved more than life itself.
“Baby, you’ve been telling me this for a while,” I continued, forcing myself to face the truth.
“But I completely disregarded your feelings because in my mind, I was right and you were wrong. I’ve been controlling, love.
And I’m sorry for that. I disguised it as needing to keep you safe. No matter my intention, it was wrong.”
Tears welled in my eyes, blurring my vision. I blinked them back, clearing my throat. She must think of me as the weakest man alive, breaking down like this. But I couldn’t stop now. Not when everything that mattered was on the line.
“I don’t want to control you. But I do want you safe. However, the way to go about that is to work with you on a plan to keep you safe. This is your life. You should have a say in how this threat is handled.”
I ran a hand through my hair, trying to articulate feelings I’d never had to express before.
“I wanted to get rid of this threat for you. I didn’t want you involved. To me, that was my job. And if I couldn’t do that, then what kind of man was I? What did you need me for if I couldn’t protect you?”
My voice cracked, betraying the depth of my fear.
“This is how I love you. I protect and provide. I don’t know any other way. But my way of loving you is making you feel suffocated. So, I’ll change. I’ll do better. I’ll figure this out. I promise.”
I took her face in my hands, willing her to see the truth in my eyes, the desperation, the love that consumed me.
“Just... don’t leave me. Give me a chance to work through some things.”
I stared down into her beautiful brown eyes that were shimmering with tears, waiting for her response, barely breathing.
“I’m not an easy person to love,” she told me, her voice small.
“That’s not true. Loving you comes easy, sweetheart,” I told her, meaning every word.
She smiled, a small curve of her lips that gave me hope. “I’m a difficult wench with murderous tendencies. I’m also a walking contradiction. I want to be independent, but I also want to be spoiled rotten. I want to live in a soft girl era, but I also enjoy violence.”
Her smile widened slightly, the humor returning to her eyes. “I had a great time at the cooking class. But kidnapping those two guys was so much funner.”
And I could understand that. Better than she knew.
“But while living my soft girl era, I felt like I was losing myself. I want to be a good girlfriend to you. But I’m also a badass, and I need to do badass shit.
” She paused, her eyes searching mine. “But I don’t think your heart can handle me doing badass shit, despite you knowing that I was trained to do badass shit. ”
She was right. My heart couldn’t handle it. The thought of her in danger made something dark and primal rise within me, something that would destroy anything and anyone that threatened her. But that was my problem to solve, not hers to bear.
I needed to be stronger than my fear. I needed to give her the space to be who she was, who she needed to be. Because loving someone, truly loving them, meant accepting all of them, not just the parts that were easy to love.
And every part of Sienna Keys, from her soft vulnerability to her vicious strength, was worth loving. Worth fighting for. Worth changing for.
“I know you’re a badass. I mean, we’ve fought beside each other before.
” I took a breath, the confession feeling like ripping off a bandage I’d kept in place too long.
“I just... In my mind, if you had to do that, that meant I wasn’t doing my job.
But it’s sinking in that you want to do it.
You want to be with me when I torture fuckers for info.
Not because you don’t trust me to handle it, but because you’re a violent vixen who enjoys causing her enemies pain. ”
She smiled up at me, her eyes lighting up at the description. “Aww... you called me a violent vixen.”
I chuckled, feeling something tight in my chest loosen.
This woman—so deadly, yet so easily pleased by my words.
“You are. You’re my violent vixen. My brutal butterfly.
” The endearments slipped from my lips, natural as breathing.
“I’m sorry for trying to clip your wings, Sienna.
I should’ve been smiling, watching you soar.
Instead, I wanted you grounded. Forgive me, beautiful. ”
A tear slipped down her cheek, glinting in the dim light of our living room. I wanted to catch it with my thumb, to taste the salt on my tongue, but I held back, giving her space to speak.
“You’re forgiven, Beast. And I’m sorry for causing you so much stress. I’m a handful. And I’m a product of my past. But that’s no excuse. I have to do better.” She looked down, hesitating before she continued. “But... I have these fears that keep plaguing me.”
“What fears?” I asked, tension creeping back into my body. Were there threats I didn’t know about? People hunting her that I’d missed?
“Part of me is afraid that once all the threats have passed, once things calm down a little, once it was just me and you trying to live a happy life with no issues, we would drift apart.”
That wasn’t what I’d expected. Relief flooded me, followed immediately by the need to reassure her. “That’s not possible,” I told her firmly.
“I don’t know,” she drawled, doubt evident in her voice. “Our enemies are what tie us together. It’s how we’ve bonded. I mean, we fell in love with each other at Club Tacere. We fought each other that very night. And in doing so, we realized we were kindred spirits.”
She wasn’t wrong. Our first meeting had been violent, intense, our connection forged in the heat of battle. I’d never felt more alive than when we’d faced off against each other.
“We bonded in shared trauma,” she continued.
“And because of our dark pasts, we have this sense of codependency toward each other. That can turn toxic, unhealthy.” Her eyes met mine, serious, searching.
“I want us to have a healthy relationship. A healthy love. I don’t want our dark past and our violent tendencies to be the only commonality we have. ”
Her words hit deep, exposing fears I hadn’t even realized were lurking beneath the surface. Was that all we were? Two broken people clinging to each other in the dark? No. We were so much more than that. We had to be.
“Then let’s explore new things together after this threat passes,” I said, the promise feeling right as it left my mouth. “Let’s fall in love with new parts of each other. We have our entire life to find more common ground. And we can create new common ground.”