Chapter 15
“So, what is that pile of wood in the living room for?” I ask over supper.
It’s been a day since our training session, and I think the bruises are healing.
Stella’s a damn spitfire in hand—to—hand.
She let me pick up our meal again, so that’s progress.
I think she’s finally letting me in. Figured now is as good a time as any to ask about the wood pile.
It’s not kindling for the fireplace. This wood is carved up.
Stella smiles, then looks away. “My grandfather is a huge wine aficionado. And in my family, we usually make Christmas presents. I’ve knitted some afghans for everyone else this year, but my grandfather likes quilts, and I don’t quilt.
So, for him, I decided to build him a wine rack.
But I’m not as good with wood as I am with yarn, so I screwed it up. I’m not sure how to go about it now.”
I smile at her. “I’m sure I can help out with that.”
“Jordan.” She strokes my hand, then says, “I have asked so much of you already.”
“And I’m happy to do it. All of it. I haven’t had a good reason to pull out my woodworking tools in a long time.”
“Why are you so good to me?” Stella looks mystified.
Which sets me on fire for her. “Because you deserve it.”
She blushes, then drinks her bourbon. “Is there anything I can do for you? Does your family make Christmas presents?”
I chuckle at the thought. “No, they make Christmas emotional scars. These days, I usually have Christmas dinner with Wes or one of my other Marine brothers.”
“You always do that.”
“Do what?”
Stella says, “I ask about your family, and you change the topic to your Marine buddies. You never talk about who you came from.”
“Not much to say. We’re not close. They’re not who I come from. They’re who messed me up enough to think going to war would be easier. And it’s my Marine brothers who are who I came from.”
She slowly nods, then asks, “Well, have you ever thought of having your own family?”
I shrug. “Now and then. I think everyone who doesn’t have a normal family thinks about it.”
“Wow.” She clears the table.
“Wow, what?”
“You are the most polite deflecting person I have ever met. How do you do that all the time? More importantly, why?”
I frown. “What do you mean?”
“I asked you if you think about having your own family, but you deflected and said everyone thinks about it. And you’ve answered that way every time I’ve ever come close to bringing up anything personal.”
It’s time I come clean about it all. “You remember when I told you about the family I robbed when I was a kid, and how I send them presents every year?”
“Yes.”
“My family is a mess. My parents divorced when I was a child, but we were poor, so they couldn’t afford to live apart right away.
Things got worse for a long time after that.
My parents are self—centered, the type who only cared about what people could do for them or get for them.
So, growing up, I equated love with things.
And I screwed up that other family’s Christmas, I thought I ruined their family, because I thought presents were love.
I thought I had done to them what my parents had done to me.
I hated myself for a long time for what I did. ”
“Oh, Jordan, that’s awful,” she says sadly.
I shrug. “The biggest mistake my parents made was not building a life together. If she wanted to go north, then he wanted to go south. Every part of their lives was based around conflict. They never made choices together as a couple. And I don’t talk about my birth family, because it’s just depressing. ”
Stella sighs, “That sounds miserable.”
“These days, I know love is not about what someone else can do for you, it’s not about stuff.
For me, love is finding someone I can’t stop thinking about.
Someone who makes my burdens feel like nothing.
Someone who makes me crazy in the best way.
And the two of us choosing our future together.
So, if I end up having children, it will be because she and I decided to have them, as a team.
That’s why it’s hard for me to answer those sorts of questions.
I want us to decide our future together. ”
“If you met the right girl, then you’d have kids with her?” She has hope in her voice, and something about it makes me happy.
“Sure. I’d do whatever I could to make her life the best I could. Kids, no kids, whatever we decide to do with our life. But I want to build a life with someone, if I can. If I don’t find her, that’s okay too. I take life as it comes.”
“Do you see yourself staying in Floyd?”
“Probably. Or some other small town. I love living here. I have thirty acres, all to myself. I can do whatever I want. There’s no shooting, unless it’s for fun or for food, so that’s a big plus, when compared to life in the Marines.
It’s peaceful. If I want to, I can sit in my living room, read a whole book, cover to cover, while lounging in front of my fireplace. I’ve read twenty—two books this year.”
Stella smiles, with a twinkle in her bright blue eyes. “Sounds nice.”
“What about you? Husband and kids in your future?”
“I’ve always wanted that life…but being in Witness Protection, I can’t.”
“Why not?”
She gives me a look. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah, I mean…oh.” I’m an idiot. What the hell was I thinking?
She says the obvious, “How could I, with this life? How do you bring a husband and babies into a house where someone might try to kidnap them or their mommy? It’s just not feasible, while I’m in the program.”
“I’m sorry, sometimes my brain is not connected to my mouth and I say really stupid shit.”
Stella laughs. “It’s fine. I’ve thought about it ever since I got in the program, how this is derailing my plans for a family.
But the good thing is, I usually date terrible guys, and the last was the worst, what with the cheating on me all the time and everything else.
At least I didn’t get a chance to make the mistake of starting a family with any of them.
So, you know. Look on the bright side, I guess. ” She shrugs.
“You never dated a nice guy?”
“Why would I have done that to myself?” she giggles and finishes her bourbon. “If I dated a nice guy, then I might have needed to have taken my future seriously. Who wants that responsibility?”
I nod and run my fingers through my hair.
“I think you have enough responsibility on your plate right now, Stella. You worry about everyone else dying if you go eat corned beef hash in a restaurant, you’re risking your life so you can testify to make sure other people stay safe…
you’re amazing. You have more than enough on your shoulders.
You don’t need to think about that stuff, too. I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry.”
“The family thing is a normal question to ask, Jordan. It’s nice to have a normal question thrown at me,” she says. “I’m sick of questions about assailants and blood and glass. Feel free to keep asking normal questions.”
I walk around the table and rub her shoulders. “Okay, let’s pretend to be normal people for a minute. Favorite color?”
“Silver. You?”
“Blue. Pizza toppings?” I ask.
“Anchovies and pineapple, with soy sauce for dipping.”
My hands stop involuntarily. “Are you serious?”
“As a heart attack, Sir, keep rubbing.”
I shake my head but keep working her shoulders. “That sounds…delicious.”
“How were you in the Special Forces? I thought they trained you how to lie or something.”
“We all have our gifts. Lying is not one of mine.”
She asks, “What are your pizza toppings?”
“Sausage and mushrooms, usually. Favorite film?”
“Casablanca. You?”
“Depends on the day, but usually Aliens.”
Stella smirks. “That makes sense.”
“How’s that?” I wonder.
“A group of soldiers goes up against something together. I imagine that’s a family movie to you.”
I laugh. “Could be.” I run my fingers through her hair, and she shivers. “I think I’m out of normal questions.”
“Thank goodness. I haven’t done the normal thing in far too long. These days, I’m not even sure if I could date right now. Ow.”
“What?” My fingers are tangled in her hair. I was too distracted by what she said to pay attention to my hands. “Oh, sorry.” I get my fingers out, then go back to my seat, and ask, “If you can’t date right now, then what are we doing?”
“Oh, Jordan, I didn’t mean it like that.
I meant date things, like going to the movies or a restaurant.
I just meant, I’m not sure how to carry on a conversation about normal things with normal people.
You’re not normal. All we do is spend time here.
There’s no normal in my life...” She is so nervous.
“I didn’t mean we’re not…involved. I mean, obviously, we’re, um… ”
“Together, in some way?” I decide to show her some mercy.
I can’t stand to see her twisting in the wind like this.
“It’s alright, Stella, I’ve been trying to put a word on it, too.
Involved, dating, whatever. And after three years in the program, I get what you mean about not being able to date normally.
I can’t imagine what that must be like. Hell, after I left the service, I was terrible at dating.
I went from bed to bed, woman to woman. I couldn’t get my head back in the game.
I’m not real sure it was there in the first place. ”
“What changed it for you?”
Should I tell her it was her? “I met someone I couldn’t stop thinking about.”
***
We work on her grandfather’s wine rack, and I get it shipped out a few days before Christmas.
I drive past the diner and notice the blonde streak of Katie through the window.
Not so much as even a flutter in my chest or a jump in my pulse.
She only caught my eye because she was moving, and her hair was a yellow streak in my periphery.
I’ve found a new normal with Stella.
I spend most of my days with her, training her in combat or me in dancing. It’s fun to teach each other new skills, and she’s an apt pupil. She says the same of me, but I’m pretty sure she’s just sparing my feelings. I do like swinging her around, though.
Sometimes I show up at the firehouse to give her the chance to feel like she can stand on her own. I hate those times. Thankfully, Michael understands that I have personal stuff going on. Besides, they don’t have many other options for volunteers, so he shrugs off my absences.
Stella Collins is an extraordinary woman. I don’t know what I’m going to do when her relocation goes through. On the one hand, I hope she gets her relocation as soon as possible. On the other hand, I don’t ever want her to leave. My gut twists. It could be any day.
Or she could be taken. That’s the thought which keeps me up most nights.