Elijah #3
He wasn’t, and I knew that better than he did.
If I were pushed, I’d say he was tougher than me.
Well, maybe not tougher , but he was far more resilient.
He wasn’t the best at taking blows, but could bounce back faster than anyone I knew.
Milo might end up having a dramatic and emotional breakdown, but he could also rally himself quickly afterward and get things done.
I wasn’t nearly as resilient, at least not back-loaded like his was; mine came from the front end of things and made it easier to resist stress and worry because I could work my way through it.
The problem I had already clearly demonstrated to myself was when the stress and worry became more than I could handle.
That was when I started to unravel, and all the tricks and skills I had for controlling myself quickly fell apart.
“No, you’re not fragile,” I agreed, turning away before he could see the panic in my eyes. “But you’re not the only one stressing out here, Milo. I’m worried too.”
“Fine, then be worried, but don’t shut me out,” he grumbled. “We’re supposed to be doing this together, not apart. I need your help here, and...I think you need mine too, okay? Can we just...work together on this...please?”
I hated the pleading in his voice, and my anger was beginning to wither and die rapidly.
I wanted to be left alone so I could privately melt down in peace and try to get my head on straight, but I needed to reach out and remind both of us that we weren’t alone.
I had always tried to be good at it, at least with Milo, but it was completely different.
Not just because it was a whole new type of stress and danger, but because I had always had time to get my head on straight, help Milo deal as well, or let him help me deal with whatever was left.
Except that wasn’t possible like it had been before.
..was it? I didn’t need to know when that particular fact had changed; it had changed the moment we shifted our relationship from close, best friends, to something sexual and shortly afterward, romantic.
It was true that neither of us had tried to act like things wouldn’t change between us when we made those rapid shifts, but I had been so caught up in the thrill, excitement, and enjoyment that I hadn’t considered what was and wasn’t going to change.
Now I was staring at one of those changes I hadn’t considered.
Gone were the days when I could look him in the face and expect him to let me have time to deal with things on my own for as long as needed.
Sure, I could expect it to a certain extent, but that stopped when it started affecting Milo negatively, and by proxy, our relationship.
I didn’t know when the transition from close friends to.
..lovers, I guess, made it so we could no longer be the same people, but that had happened.
It was one thing to leave a friend waiting until you were ready to deal with things, but to do it to a romantic partner was unacceptable.
It was the sort of thing that had got in the way between Eva and me.
The death of our romantic relationship had come because I had been unable, or unwilling, to let her into my life and mind.
The thing was, Milo had been in both for years, but now expectations were different.
I wanted to retreat; I wanted him to be able to wait, but I couldn’t do that if I wanted us to be together.
Which I did.
“Look,” I said, running my hand through my hair and forcing myself to take a deep breath.
Everything in me wanted to retreat to a quiet corner and go through things on my own.
To do so would hurt him, and I forced myself to steady and explain myself.
“It’s...this is different, alright? Things are different.
I don’t think of you as fragile or delicate, and I don’t think of you as someone I need to treat with kid gloves, alright?
It’s just...there’s a lot in my head, and I’m not used to you, of all people, demanding to hear it all before I’ve had a chance to sit down and know what’s going on. ”
Milo’s frustration eased, not completely, but enough that I knew he was hearing me rather than listening to the panic in his own head. “Okay...sure. I guess. I’m not handling this very well, am I?”
“No worse than me,” I said with a shrug. “We just...you’re right, okay? We need to breathe before we get overwhelmed and lose our minds. We need to figure out what we’re going to do, then do it together.”
“Kind of already feels like it’s just shy of too much,” Milo admitted, his shoulders sagging. “There’s so many things to cover, to worry about, and I’m terrified that there’s...something hanging over us. A blade we can’t see until it’s down around our necks, and then what?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted, though I hated hearing the words from my lips.
It wasn’t like I had a choice but to be honest. I couldn’t hide from Milo like that, not just because he knew me too well for me to pull any wool over his eyes, but because.
..it was Milo. “I had a whole lot of freaking out happening on my way back to the apartment. All that stress and guilt and...everything was building up, and it made me think...well, a bunch of weird, wild, and kind of stupid shit.”
“Stuff like people being able to read your mind and know?”
“Uh...can’t say that was one of them. Not the mind-reading part, but definitely that they knew more than I wanted them to.”
“Oh...well, mine keeps coming up as mind-reading.”
“You’re worried about...mind readers?”
“No! Well, not really . Just...find myself thinking about everything that’s going on and what we might have to deal with, and then my brain will be like, hey, what if there are mind readers? Now they know, and you just told them.”
“I...that sounds like a very you thing to worry about, no offense.”
“It does,” he said with a laugh, as nervous as he was relieved. “But I guess it comes down to the same thing, doesn’t it? The fear is that people have already figured us out, and we’re just too stupid to realize it. Even made me want to call people up and start blabbing about it.”
“Rip the bandage off,” I said, reaching out, taking his arm, and squeezing it. “Not exactly a strange thought. Kind of expected. It builds up inside you, and there must be a way to get it out, right? Might as well go for the most direct way possible.”
“Yeah,” he said, looking up at me hopefully. “We’re stuck in this shit together, neither of us knowing what the hell we’re going to do and both freaked out by it.”
“That pretty much sums it up. Stuck in the boat together, and I don’t know if we’re supposed to prepare for a storm, make sure there’s no leaks, row for shore, row for open water, or just hunker down and hope everything passes us by.”
“Which should freak me out more than it does, which is saying something because I’m pretty damn freaked out. But...I guess it’s nice to know I’m not alone. Especially because it means you are in the boat with me.”
“I’m not sure I’m feeling quite that sentimental, but if there’s anyone I’d rather be lost at sea with, literal or otherwise, it’s you.”
“Very comforting.” He chuckled and then stiffened when a knock came at the door. “That must be the food. I didn’t realize they would pound on the door like the police. Jesus, what kind of rush is the guy in?”
“I...don’t think that’s the food,” I said slowly as the harsh knocking became a pounding and I felt my phone buzz in my pocket.
From the other side of the door came a familiar, harsh voice. “Correct! Now let me in you fucking idiots. I have several bones to pick with you, and I’m still deciding where I want to start!”
“Eva?” Milo asked in confusion.
“And I have your food; they left it outside your door.”
“Wonderful,” I muttered. “I thought I had more time.”
“More time for what?” Milo asked as Eva gave an impatient growl from the other side of the door.
I knew our time to let her in before she started truly trying to get in was running out, and I walked to the door with a scowl.
“She’s known something was going on with me and wanted to talk, and I kept putting her off.
I talked a little with her, and I thought I was going to be given until the weekend to talk about this. ”
The last was said between clenched teeth and extra emphasis so Eva would know I was talking about her as I opened the door.
Her hair was tied into a messy bun that looked ready to fly away at a moment’s notice as she stomped into the apartment, barreling right past me with a bump of her shoulder that might have been intentional, but I knew it wasn’t.
Eva had one hell of a temper when she got worked up, and something like that was just a byproduct rather than intentional.
“Well, that was before you idiots decided to be...well, fucking idiots,” she said, shoving the box of food into Milo’s hands. “I expect you to be an idiot, but you, Eli? Come on, you have to be smart.”
I blinked. “Are you going to tell me what the hell you’re going on about, or am I supposed to play one of your lame ass guessing games again? You promised you wouldn’t do this shit anymore.”
“And you told me that if you were seeing someone else, you’d tell me,” she said with a glare at Milo as she finished.
Color drained from Milo’s face, and I tensed.
I would have to be just as stupid as Eva was making me out to be, not to understand what she was getting at.
I could also see the panic behind Milo’s eyes, and I sighed, knowing that if I didn’t get more out of Eva than her angry, stilted words, we would have her foaming at the mouth and Milo completely losing his mind.
There was no way in hell I was going to have the mental fortitude to deal with both problems.