Chapter 24 #2
Then we both lunge for the phone at the same time, with Mandy coming out victorious.
I practically scream in defiance. “No!” I race around the island to where Mandy is reading the message with her back turned to me.
I wait for her to face me, my shoulders heaving, beyond horrified and nauseated by what she may be discovering right now.
Mandy lets out a gasp that sounds an awful lot like betrayal. She whips around, her eyes watering, gleaming with rage. “You bitch .”
I rip the phone away from her, my hands shaking as I skim over the message in a panic .
Don’t want to fight. Scared. I get it. Last night was everything. Slower. Start over. In this together.
Last night was everything.
“What happened last night, Cora?” Mandy demands, her tears erupting like rainfall. “Did you sleep with him?” Her voice changes in pitch, sounding more desperate and shrill with each word. “Did you fuck my fiancé?”
“I…”
“Tell me!”
I shake my head, a cry breaking through my lips.
“I want to hear it from your lying, filthy mouth.”
I’ve never seen Mandy so upset. I’ve never seen her radiating blind hate like this. I feel like I’m going to throw up or keel over and die from abject humiliation and all-consuming guilt . “We… we were forced to have sex in that basement.”
Mandy pales, her eyebrows creasing. “What?”
My chest expands, up and down, hard and fast. “Earl put a gun to Dean’s head and made him do it. We didn’t have a choice. We…” I dig my fingers into my scalp and tug my hair back. “It was awful and sick and beyond depraved, but…”
“ But … ?” Mandy sounds horrified. Appalled.
As she should.
“But something happened, okay? Something changed between us, and I can’t explain it.
I thought the feelings would go away when we returned to our normal lives, but the connection is still there.
We can’t shake it. I never wanted this to happen, Mandy…
” I continue to crack and break and splinter, my entire body shutting down. “I never wanted any of this!”
Mandy’s eyes assess me with a quiet rage. Her chest is beet red, the heat climbing up her neck and staining her cheeks and ears. “Did you have sex last night?”
I pull my lips between my teeth to keep them from quivering. Then I lower my chin, unable to look her in the eyes as I whisper, “Yes.”
Only a heartbeat passes when her hand flies out and connects with my face. I inhale a sharp, startled breath, the sting of her slap rattling my bones.
Mandy has never hit me before. I’ve never hit her.
We’ve argued and bickered and not spoken for weeks, but… this is different.
This is unfixable .
My eyes are glazed with disbelief as I look up at her, wishing I could erase the heartbroken, forsaken expression staring back at me. My fingertips lift to brush against the welting hand print on my cheek, my remorse and regret eating me alive. “I’m so sorry, Mandy.”
She takes a step back, shaking her head furiously.
“I can’t believe you’re my sister. I can’t believe you were going to be my maid of honor .
” Mandy wipes at the stray tears lingering on her cheekbones.
“You’re disgusting. You’re trash . You’re the most selfish person I’ve ever met, and I never want to see you again. Mom and Dad will disown you over this.”
I gape at her, my mouth parted with incredulity.
Mandy spits out one final barb before storming away: “I hope his dick was worth it.”
The front door slams for the second time that day, another person I care about walking away from me, angry and betrayed.
I collapse onto the kitchen tiles, a panic attack creeping into my lungs and taking over.
I sob hysterically, manically, ashamed and astounded by the damage I’ve caused.
I’m a broken pile of bones and failure, crumpled on the ground, wanting to die.
I just want to die .
All those weeks fighting so hard to live, and for what?
Hell followed me home.
It lives inside me, housing all of my demons and ghosts and unforgivable flaws.
Two wet dog noses tickle my cheeks, and then my tears are kissed away by worried tongues. I stare up at the ceiling fan spinning in circles above me.
Around, around, and around .
It could spin forever, spiraling out of control, until I decide to turn it off.
I try to catch my breath, choking on ugly hiccups as I wipe at my nose and rise to unsteady feet.
The dogs follow me around the kitchen while I fill their bowls with food and water.
I don’t bother to lock the front door as I head towards the hall bathroom, flipping off the ceiling fan before I round the corner.
I open up the mirrored medicine cabinet and reach for my sleeping pills. I snap the door shut, gazing at my reflection, feeling totally numb. My eyes are red and swollen, my nose puffy. I’m marked and bruised all over.
Dean’s teeth and tongue carved into my neck.
Mandy’s slap of scorn across my face.
I blink slow, then glance down at the pill bottle clasped inside my fist .
My whole life I’ve been terrified of the ocean. I’ve been scared of being dragged down into a cold, dark sea, swallowed by waves, clutching my chest and gasping for air.
But this sea is not made of water.
And maybe drowning is the only way out.