Chapter 26
“ Y ou should come out with me tonight.”
I’m sitting with my best friend in our favorite local coffee shop, sipping on a latte like I didn’t just attempt suicide two weeks ago.
I glance up at Lily, cupping the warm brew between my palms, considering her offer while nibbling my lip. “I don’t know. I go back to work on Monday—I should probably just rest up and relax this weekend.”
Lily fiddles with her long, dark braid hanging over one shoulder. “I think it will be good for you. You’ve been a hermit ever since…” She lowers her eyes. “Well, you know. I feel like it’s only been taking you down a black hole of despair. You need fun and friends.”
I instinctively reach for my wrist, catching myself before I start scratching at it. I finger my necklace instead. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know those words. Are they new?”
She shakes her head with a laugh. “Come on, Cora. I’m meeting Amy and the guys at the new brewery downtown. Everyone would love to see you.”
“I’m a mess, Lily. This morning was the first time in weeks I put on pants that didn’t have an elastic waistband and nautical dog patterns.”
“Exactly. It’s time to put yourself back out there.” Lily shoots me a mischievous wink from across the bistro table. “Jason will be there.”
Ugh. Jason .
“That’s not a good idea. I know you’re just trying to help, but…” I sq ueeze my coffee cup a little too hard and cappuccino starts leaking out the top. “I’m kind of emotionally involved with someone else right now.”
Crap . I finally said it. I finally admitted my awful, salacious truth.
Lily doesn’t know about Dean. She’s about to flip out and do that thing with her mouth.
“What? Who?” she wonders, craning her neck back with disbelief.
I cough into my hand. “Dean.”
“Irene?” She blinks. “The science teacher with the sideburns?”
I cough again. “Dean.”
“Stop coughing!”
“Dean,” I finally say, loud and clear, then slink back into my seat with reddening cheeks.
Lily does that thing with her mouth, gaping at me with her eyes bugged out. “Please tell me this is a Supernatural reference. I know those Winchesters seem so real sometimes when we’re all alone at night with our vibr—”
“ Dean . Dean Asher. Dean, my sister’s ex.
My almost brother-in-law, my long-time nemesis, the source of nearly every single migraine I’ve ever had over the last fifteen years, the reason I have a complex about spaghetti…
and the only reason I’m still alive right now rambling off my sinful secret to you.
” I say it all in one breath, placing both palms against my flushed face.
I inhale deep, both shame and longing battling it out inside me.
The shame is for dodging his calls ever since I was released from the hospital, even though he’s the only person in the world I long to hear from.
I’ve sent him a few texts to let him know I’m doing okay so he doesn’t worry, but I keep them brief and unemotional.
And I completely ignored his text from last night asking if we could grab lunch this weekend and talk.
Lily is rendered speechless, which is uncommon. She stares at me with copper eyes, processing the absurdity I just spewed at her. “Wow.”
“Yeah. Wow.”
“That’s…” She blows out a breath.
“I’m broken.” I slouch further into the chair, hoping it’ll swallow me up. “I’m broken, right?”
“Maybe a little.”
Oof. I pick at the fuzzy snags on my sweater, then pull the sleeves down over my hands. “I don’t even know how it happened,” I whisper softly.
Lily takes a sip of her chai tea and sets the cup down on the table.
“I got some vibes at Mandy’s New Year’s party, but I figured it was just tension bubbling over from everything you guys went through.
I never thought…” She fills her cheeks with air and lets it out, then averts her eyes with consideration.
“I mean, I guess I can see it. He’s hot as sin and he’s always been weirdly protective of you. ”
I frown. “No, he hasn’t. He’s always been an ass.”
“Yeah, but in a cute way.”
“No.”
“Come on, Cora. You guys have always had chemistry. You just acted on it by torturing each other.” Lily shrugs, tapping her nails against the side of her paper cup. “And obviously, circumstances wouldn’t allow for much else.”
My jaw starts to ache from gnashing my teeth together. I look down at my latte, hoping the little design made in foam will reach out and pull me in since the chair was a disappointing failure. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
A sympathetic smile pulls at her lips, and Lily leans forward on her elbows. “Is this the point in our friendship where you come to me with a terrible dilemma and I’m supposed to offer you super sage wisdom and give you all the answers?”
“Yes. Definitely.”
She shrugs. “Well, shit. I’m not prepared at all. I’ve got nothing.”
I groan as my face falls into my hands. “Awesome.”
“It could be worse?” she offers, giving me a triumphant thumbs up.
I peer at her through the cracks in my fingers, shaking my head, and grumble, “No, it can’t. This is literally rock bottom.”
“Ooh, so… it’s only up from here.”
“You would make a terrible therapist.”
Lily falls back against her chair with a soft smile, and I know she’s just trying to cheer me up and make a horrible situation lighter.
She crosses her arms over her V-neck sweater and sighs. “You really want my advice?”
“I’m not sure anymore.”
She chuckles, reaching for her tea. “I would go for it, woman. Get the guy, have some hot sex, and forget about everything else.”
“That’s terrible advice,” I say, pursing my lips together with narrowed eyes.
“Yeah, well, that’s why you’re my only friend.”
I gawk at Lily for a moment, then burst out laughing, the sound of it startling me .
Lily winks at me over her cup. “You know it’s true.
But for real, Cora, do what makes you happy.
You’ve gone through stuff I can’t even imagine and you deserve a little happiness.
Dean might not be the smartest choice on paper, but it’s your life.
You can’t tiptoe around your heart in fear of pissing people off or hurting their feelings.
Sometimes we need to be a little selfish in order to avoid a life of complacency. ”
My fingers curl around my beverage, tightening their grip. “That was a little bit profound.”
“Right? I think I nailed it.” Lily performs a dramatic bow, then smiles over at me. “Also… just between you and me? If roles were reversed, Mandy wouldn’t hesitate.”
This grabs my attention and I jerk my head back up. “What makes you think that?”
“Call it a gut instinct.” Lily flips her braid over her shoulder with a shrug. “Let’s put it this way: did she or did she not sleep with that guy you were crushing on during those few months her and Dean split up?”
I scrunch up my nose. “Benjamin, the attorney? That was different. I was never with Ben—it was just a crush. Mandy has been with Dean for half her life.”
“I get it,” Lily replies, holding up her hands. “It’s not exactly the same… I’m just saying. She never even considered your feelings and she knew you liked the guy. I always thought it was shady.”
I twist the hem of my sweater between my hands. “That was also a long time ago. She’s grown up a lot since then.”
“Okay,” Lily says dismissively. “You’re right. My point is, no one is perfect. Everyone is a little selfish sometimes when it comes to matters of the heart.”
I lower my head, my chest constricting.
“Speaking of… I’m going to be selfish and drag you out tonight. I miss you.”
I wasn’t ready for this.
The lights, the noise, the music, the attention .
Everyone is looking at me. Everyone knows me. My face comes up in their newsfeeds. I’m on their television screens. My name slips from their mouths in casual conversation. My trauma is a trending story on their social media accounts.
My body freezes as I look around the crowded bar, squeezing my wrist with my opposite hand and massaging my pulse point. Hurried breaths escape my lips and I can hear my heart beating in my ears.
Lily links her elbow with mine, tugging me forward. “You okay?”
I lie with a nod. “I’m fine.”
“You seem tense.”
We approach a group of friends, and I know all of them except for one: Amy and her boyfriend, Trevor, and a nameless man with ebony eyes and long, black hair.
“Where’s Jason?” Lily wonders, leaning into Amy for a hug.
Amy is a petite tomboy, dressed in a baggy t-shirt and black leggings. She smiles bright as she embraces Lily. “He canceled last minute. I’m not sure.” She shifts her attention to me with wide, curious eyes, her smile lingering. “You look great, Cora. I’m so happy to see you.”
Amy doesn’t give me a hug, and I wonder if it’s because she thinks I’m dirty. Tainted in some way. Contagious . I force a pleasant expression and offer a wave. “Thanks. It’s definitely been a tough few months.”
I shake Trevor’s hand, having met him a few times in the past, then face the mysterious man to the right.
“That’s Lars, one of Trevor’s friends,” Lily introduces.
“Hi, I’m Cora.” I hold out my hand and he takes it, his gaze flickering to my chest, then drifting back up. “Nice to meet you.”
“Hey,” he says.
I tug my blouse up. I tried to wear something cute since I’ve been slumming it in sweatpants and pajamas for weeks on end, but I didn’t want anything too revealing.
However, my sweetheart blouse is hanging low on my frame due to the weight I have yet to put back on, revealing more cleavage than I’d intended.
The evening presses on with idle conversation and a few rounds of drinks.
I nurse a rum and Coke the entire time, trying to be invisible as the friends catch up and joke around.
Lars is quiet, not saying much, but his stare is piercing—and often fixed on me.
It makes me nervous, prompting me to start scratching my wrist again, even though I told myself I would stop.
“I like your eyes. They look like lily pads,” Lars says at one point, earning my full attention.