Chapter 20
Foster exited the train, his body weary.
The new job was taking it out of him. After a couple of months of unemployment, he was thrust back into the hot seat.
He’d soon realized he’d not kept up with the markets as well as he’d thought.
He’d been vaulted back to his post-college days—walking in the door full of confidence only to have the real world show him he knew nothing at all.
It was a shitty feeling, but each day was a little easier than the last, so hopefully he’d get his act together soon.
Not having someone to come home to after was making it even harder to get his act together. He’d looked forward to his nights with Jude, eating together and talking about their day. Venting. He’d also looked forward to the things that came after. That was the best kind of stress relief.
It had only been a few days, but it felt like weeks.
He already missed Jude.
A car pulled beside him on the street and revved the engine, breaking him from his thoughts. He glanced up and saw Cary smiling at him, the passenger window rolled down. “Hey, stranger.”
Foster leaned on the passenger door. “You are alive.”
“Sorry—my phone was chucked, and I had to grab a burner on the run. I didn’t get your messages until I flew home and got a new phone.”
“Another wild adventure?”
“Something like that. Ready for that drink?”
“Fuck, yeah,” Foster muttered.
“Get in,” Cary said. “I sure as hell could use one. It’s been a shitty couple of weeks for me, too.”
They were soon careening the ten blocks to McMurphy’s.
“Is that new job of yours the source of that shitty day you mentioned?”
“Part of it,” Foster replied, cracking the window for some air.
Silence fell for a moment before Cary chuckled. “That’s all I’m getting? I assumed you wanted to vent.”
“I think I need a shot or two before I do that.”
Cary whistled. “That bad, hmm?”
Foster ignored the comment, not ready to get into it. “Your phone was chucked?”
“Long story,” Cary muttered. “I’ll tell you about it after that shot.”
A few minutes later, they were both sitting in their usual booth with cold ones in their hands, one shot down. The crowd was a heavier given that it was Friday, but fortunately, most of the people were closer to the bar. They didn’t have to yell at one another to be heard.
“So what’s with the long face?”
Foster trailed his fingers through the condensation on the beer bottle, not sure he wanted to dive into it. But who else could he talk to about it? Not Jude.
“I finally went to apologize to Jude.”
“And?”
“I was wrong.” Foster absently played with the bent corner of the label on his bottle. “He was the one who decked me at the party.”
Cary’s eyes widened. “Oh shit.”
Foster met Cary’s gaze.
“Is he also the one you fucked?”
“Yeah,” Foster said as he looked around them to make sure no one had overheard Cary. “He’s the one I fucked.” Foster paused a moment. “He confronted me at my front door later that night, after I’d apologized.”
Cary’s eyes widened again before he closed his eyes for a second and shook his head. “Ready for a fight?”
“No. He told me how much pain I’d caused him… and demanded compensation.”
Cary searched his face, brows furrowed. “He shook you down for cash?”
“Nooo,” Foster said. He leaned closer, resting his elbows on the table.
“He said I owed him… pleasure.” His face warmed, but he decided to tell Cary most of the story.
Keeping it a secret all those weeks had started to feel heavy for some reason.
“He grabbed me by the balls and said my cock was his. Whenever he wanted it, however he wanted it, for as long as he wanted it.”
Cary snorted, fighting laughter. He failed, and it spilled out around them.
“I’m glad you find this funny,” Foster muttered.
“I’m sorry.” Cary leaned closer. “He’s using you for sex? Is that really a bad thing?”
“Used. I ended it a few days ago.”
“Ah.” Cary searched his face again, his smile fading. “Something go down that caused that?”
“Yeah. His friend Anton caught us together and made a stink. Then Jude lied to get his way out of it.”
Cary frowned. “And?”
Foster cracked his neck, sensing he was about to show Cary how big an idiot he was.
“Am I missing something?” Cary pressed.
“I started… wanting more.”
Cary watched him, silent a few seconds. “But you’re not looking for something serious right now, are you? So soon after Ash?”
“No, I wasn’t, and he wasn’t either. He told me from the jump that there were no strings. We weren’t friends, and he didn’t want to know anything about me. Just sex. Nothing more. I agreed and… we fucked. A lot. For a couple of months now.”
“I’ve only been gone three weeks which means… you’ve been holding out on me,” Cary said.
“I didn’t expect it to last long, so I figured there was no reason to make it a big deal.”
“But now it is a big deal?”
Foster nodded. “I liked being with him. Not just the sex but… having him close.” No, Foster hadn’t been looking for serious, but as they’d spent their nights together, things had changed.
He’d hoped their relationship might evolve into more.
“So, yeah, that’s the problem. I fucked up and started feeling shit I had no right to feel. ”
“And he doesn’t feel anything for you?”
“He says he doesn’t,” Foster replied, his chest aching again. “But I know he does. I could see it in his eyes.” Foster released a long, tortured breath.
There had been evolution. Each night they’d shared, he’d felt more intimacy.
They’d kissed and touched more. After sex, they’d cuddled, even though it had originally been verboten.
Jude had relaxed around him, getting more and more comfortable.
Foster had even caught a hint of a smile one of the last times he’d opened the door to let him in.
Jude had been happy to see him.
“Foster—the serial monogamist,” Cary murmured, shaking his head.
“You make that sound like something terrible.”
“No… some people like having a connection with someone else. If that’s who you are, that’s who you are,” Cary said. “I just didn’t expect you to have a connection with the first man you fucked after your divorce.”
“Me either.”
“How did you leave things with Jude?”
“It’s done. I told him we’re even now and I’ve paid my debt. I left and haven’t heard a peep since, but he isn’t the most communicative person.” Foster scoffed. “And his walls are miles thick.”
“Sounds impossible,” Cary murmured. “Was the sex good, at least?”
“It was… amazing. Even at first when he was borderline hostile,” Foster said. “Who the fuck am I lying to? The hostility kind of did things for me.”
“Some of the best sex I’ve ever had was angry sex,” Cary said with a grin.
“He was super bossy and dominant at first. I liked it. But I also liked it when it wasn’t that.” Foster drew in a deep breath. “He was always in control, pretty much every time we were together, but he… he… relaxed after a while. I know he felt what I felt, too. I know it.”
“Are you sure you didn’t read more into it?”
Foster frowned. “No.”
“You just got out of a committed long-term relationship. Didn’t you once tell me that you married Ash because it was easier than fighting? Maybe Jude started feeling easy, too. He came to you. Demanded your time. You simply agreed and went with it. Just like Ash.”
Foster dragged his gaze away, hating the parallels drawn.
“Now there’s this hot guy fucking your brains out on the regular and sleeping beside you every night.
Not just some hot guy, but the first one you fucked after your divorce.
The first guy you ever kissed, in fact. A guy you’d had a thing for in high school.
I could see getting things confused and assuming you had feelings for him.
Sex is not love.” Cary gently knocked his knuckles against Foster’s.
Foster’s gaze met Cary’s.
“You’ve been closeted most of your life.
That first guy you’re finally able to be fully free with is a big deal.
And there are a lot of emotions tangled up there.
I remember my first time after I’d come out.
I’ll remember him for the rest of my life.
Even though that relationship turned to shit, he still holds a place in my heart because of what he symbolized.
Jude is that for you, too, and there’s nothing wrong with it.
But be careful that you don’t make it into something it’s not. ”
“Maybe you’re right.” Foster didn’t think that was the case, but he’d been wrong about a lot of things relationship-wise in his life. He’d thought he was finally in a place where that would change, but once again, things had gone south.
“Do you really want to tie yourself down so soon after the divorce? You said you wanted to explore and figure yourself out.”
Foster nodded. “I did say that.”
“You know what we should do?” Cary asked.
“What?”
“There’s this annual Halloween party tomorrow night down at the Paradise in Asbury Park.
It’s a bit of a hike, but I went a couple of years ago and it was a wild, wild night.
Hell in Paradise, they call it. The club’s attached to a hotel and I already booked a couple of rooms in advance.
I meant to ask if you weeks ago, before I left town, but I got a big lead and had to rush out the door.
I know it’s last minute notice, but why don’t you come out with me? It’ll get your mind off him.”
“I don’t know if I’ll be in the mood to party by tomorrow night.”
“Come on. You can’t sit around and wallow. If it’s meant to be, you two will find a way back to one another. If it’s not, then you’re just that much closer to getting over him.”
All that sounded logical, but to Foster, it didn’t feel right.
Serial monogamist, hmm?
“After all your history, be happy things went out with a whimper instead of a bang.” Cary leaned forward. “Get out, meet some new friends, and get laid. Stop pining for a guy who says he doesn’t want you.”