Chapter 23 #2
Anton eyed Jude. “Ready?”
He nodded and adjusted the weight of his backpack on his shoulder.
They walked through the door in the chain-link fence and out onto the sidewalk.
A gust blew his hair around and sent a pile of dead leaves into a whirlwind on the empty court they’d left behind.
Jude shoved his hands into the pocket of his hoodie and sidled up beside Anton for the walk home, hoping the guy’s size might block some of the wind.
“I do have reason to be worried, you know?” Anton said after they’d walked a half a block.
Jude sighed. “We’re still harping on this?”
“Are you going to lie to me and say you haven’t been a little down lately,” Anton said.
“I haven’t been down. I’ve been exhausted.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. He was exhausted.
And a little down.
“I’ve seen you go through holiday rushes before. This is different,” Anton said. “You’ve been in the dumps… ever since you ended things with Foster.”
Jude clenched his jaw. “Bullshit.”
He could feel Anton’s gaze on him. His faced warmed under the inspection.
“Did you catch feelings for Foster Price?”
“No,” Jude snapped. “Absolutely not.”
“I saw the way he was staring at you Halloween night, all forlorn and shit. It was pathetic.” Anton gave him a spiteful grin. “And you looked just as fucking pitiful as he did, so don’t lie to me.”
“You’re imagining things.”
Anton grew quiet. Long enough, Jude hoped he’d dropped it. Sadly, that wasn’t the case.
“You both looked so miserable that I had to wonder why you bothered ending it. When he left, it looked like you were about to go run after him.”
Jude came to a halt a half a block from their corner. Anton realized a couple of steps later. He stopped and turned to face Jude, one brow lifting.
They stared at one another a few seconds.
“It had to end. It did. Leave it at that.” He’d told Foster there was a chance, but it had been what they’d both needed to hear. There was no way they worked in the real world. Sneaking around in the dark? Sure.
But not the light of day.
“Why?” Anton asked.
“Why leave it?”
“No, why did it have to end?”
Jude sighed. “There was no point.”
“No?”
Jude growled. “Even if I had caught feelings, my best friends would never have approved of our relationship, so there was no point.”
“What?” Anton asked, frowning.
“After the party, you talked all kinds of shit about him.”
Anton chuckled, but there was no mirth in the sound. “So, now we come down to the real reason. You were afraid I wouldn’t approve. Sure, Roan, too, but it was mostly the me part, amiright? Sure. Let’s blame Anton.”
“I didn’t say that,” Jude said.
“Although, I have to wonder. Maybe I was wrong about the two of you.”
Jude sighed with relief. Maybe now Anton would leave it be.
“Sounds like you didn’t like him that much if you weren’t willing to fight for him,” Anton replied.
Jude tensed. The battle wasn’t over yet. “I never said I liked him in the first place.”
“Oh, come on. I think we both know you did, so let’s move on to the real reason why you dumped him.”
“I didn’t dump him,” Jude muttered.
“What was that?”
Jude sighed. “I didn’t dump him.” Jude toed a small rock on the sidewalk before lifting his gaze to Anton. “He overheard what I said to you the night you caught him at my place—and it hurt his feelings. He said we were over and walked out.”
“That was a couple of days before Halloween, right?”
Jude nodded.
“He sure looked ready to patch things up at Paradise.” Anton paused. “Wait… when I found you, you said you’d gone and had some fun on your own. Foster?”
Jude met Anton’s gaze but didn’t answer.
Anton laughed. “You fucked him… and then… what happened?”
“He wanted more than I could give him right now,” Jude said. “I asked him to back off. It’s over. Officially.”
A hint of a smile stretched over Anton’s lips. “So all that shit about how your friends wouldn’t approve was just a bullshit excuse. You didn’t want to admit you were too chicken shit to get serious with him. You don’t have the strength to fight for who you wanted.”
“That’s not what I said…”
“It’s okay, Jude,” Anton said. “I get it now. You absolutely should’ve broken it off. If you weren’t willing to go to battle to have him, you didn’t really care about him.”
“Of course I care about him! I lov—”
Jude froze as soon as he realized what he’d almost said.
Anton watched him, silent and wide-eyed.
“I… I loved the sex.”
“Liar,” Anton whispered.
Jude winced. He closed his eyes, hating the look of victory in Anton’s eyes.
“There’s no way I love him,” Jude said. “I never let my walls down. Not fully. I was mean to him. I think a part of me wanted him to walk away so I didn’t have to be the one to end it.
That’s not love. It’s fucked up and twisted, but then, I’m fucked up and twisted, so maybe in my mind, that’s what love looks like. ”
“You saw what love looks like,” Anton said. “Your mother and father treated you to one of the best versions I’ve ever seen. I want what they had. And you should, too.”
“I fucking miss them,” Jude whispered, fighting back a tingle at the backs of his eyes.
“Me, too,” Anton said before taking a deep breath.
“Look, you’re not wrong that I have concerns about you and Foster together, but I can’t ignore how you acted when you were with him.
It’s been so long that I can barely remember that version of you—the guy not carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
I was excited to see him back. If Foster can help you find peace again, then I’m willing to give that asshole a chance.
A tiny chance with no room for fuck ups. ”
Jude shook his head. Getting Anton’s semi-approval of Foster hadn’t been on his bingo card.
“Then you start doing that and my doubts about him resurface.”
“Doing what?”
Anton waved at his midsection. “That.”
Jude released his wrist and looked down at himself. “What?”
“Your wrists.”
Jude glanced at his scars. “What are you talking about?”
“You rub them a lot. But since that night you decked him, you’ve been rubbing them all the time… and you get this weird look on your face. Alarm bells go off in my head.”
Jude searched his face. “Stop dancing around and just say it.”
“I see you rubbing those old scars with that weird glint in your eyes—and I worry I won’t find you in time this round.”
“You’re right. I rub them when my thoughts get dark. Or something’s really bothering me.”
Anton’s face fell.
“To remind myself that I survived something really fucking terrible and that I can survive it again. I won’t let myself get that low ever again, no matter how hard life is kicking me in the balls.
” Jude lifted a wrist. “They also remind me that I’ve got people who care enough not to let the darkness win. ”
Anton’s frown disappeared. Silence fell between them.
“I guess I assumed the worst,” Anton said, his voice weak and thready.
“If it worried you so much, why didn’t you say something before now?”
“I was scared to,” Anton said.
“I’m not going to shatter from a question, Ant.”
Anton sighed. “Maybe I don’t trust you as much as I think I do.” He gave Jude a half-hearted smile. “I guess I’ll have to work on that.”
They’d never really talked things out in the aftermath. They’d moved on, both of them basically pretending it hadn’t happened. On the outside, that is. On the inside, it was still there for both of them. He wasn’t the only one who hadn’t let go.
“Acting like it didn’t happen wasn’t exactly the best way to deal with things. I think we both have some work to do.”
Anton nodded, a hint of a smile on his lips.
“And yes, I’m sad that Foster and I are over, but I’ll survive that, too,” Jude said. “You can go to Wisconsin and not worry about me. I’ll be okay.”
“It’s not too late to talk to him, you know. It’s only been a couple of weeks, right?”
Jude swallowed the lump in his throat. “I’m not ready to be in a relationship.”
“I hate the thought of you letting go of someone who made you happy, Jude.”
“I need to find happiness in myself. Not in someone else,” Jude said.
“Wow.” Anton nodded, blinking. “You’re absolutely right. You do.”
“I thought I’d put everything behind me and moved on.
I rarely thought about it. Never talked about it.
Then Foster comes home, and I’m taken right back like I’d never left it.
Like the last fifteen years never happened.
” Jude shook his head. “I went to him for some kind of fucked up vengeance, and I treated him like a thing, not a person. I was cold and I was cruel. Yet, somehow, I developed feelings I had no right to feel along the way. Not after the way I treated him.” Jude sighed.
“But, if nothing else, being with him showed me that I want something real in my life. Something more than a series of random fucks with no strings. If I’m going to be ready for that, I need to figure my shit out first.”
“Sounds very adult of you,” Anton said. He smiled softly. “How do you plan on figuring your shit out?”
“My doctor recommended a therapist.”
Anton’s smile widened. “That’s good. Have you made an appointment yet?”
“I’ve had three sessions so far.”
Anton’s brows rose. “Oh? Damn.”
Jude smiled.
“You like the doc?”
“There’s been no judgment. No guilt trips.
” Jude smiled. “She actually seems like she’s listening.
She’s lowered the doses on my meds. I feel less like a zombie, which is nice, but getting used to actually feeling shit hasn’t been fun, either.
I’ve already had a meltdown or two and was tempted to reup the doses just to not feel anything again. ”
“I like the idea of non-zombie Jude. I hope you do, too.”
“It’s hard, but, yeah… I do.”
Anton smiled. “I’m proud of you.”
Jude fought a smile that Anton’s comment caused. “You can thank Foster. If he hadn’t knocked some sense into me, I wouldn’t have realized what I was doing to myself.”
“Knocked some sense into you? He didn’t lay hands, did he?”
“Nooo,” Jude said. “He basically told me I needed to get over it.”
Anton stood a little straighter. “He told you to get over it?”
“Not in those terms—but even if he had, he wouldn’t’ve been wrong.” Jude lifted a brow. “Lay off him. Something good came from that fucked up relationship.”
Anton grunted.
“Let’s go,” Jude said, urging Anton forward. “When are you coming back from Wisconsin?”
“Not until the following Monday.”
“You’re missing two Sundays?” Jude growled.
“I’m so tempted to not go at all,” Anton said. “But I know damned well they’ll convince Ma to stay. Then I’ll be the one moving all her shit out there. And the one moving it all back in three to six months when she decides she hates it.”
“Maybe she wouldn’t hate it.”
Anton grumbled under his breath. “Invite me to Thanksgiving at yours next year.”
Jude frowned. “You know I don’t do anything for the holiday.”
“We’re telling Mom that you’re having a little dinner, and you need me there to help. That way, I don’t have to go to Wisconsin next year.”
“Okay, then I guess you’re officially invited to Chinese food on my couch.”
Anton chuckled. “You have no idea how good that sounds right now.”