Chapter Nineteen #2
But fuck, isn’t that what punk is for? The misfits who feel too much, who refuse to go numb to the machine of a society that relies upon our collective complacency to undermine the promises made to us.
Real art should make you a little uncomfortable; a mirror for truths you have to make peace with in order to stare back at it.
I restart the first song and make good on my initial instinct: I lie back on the floor, staring up at the ceiling as Dax’s musical diary rewires my brain chemistry.
This should be his interview. He doesn’t need me to tell his story. Everything he wants to say is already in this album.
This is some of the best music I’ve heard in a long time.
It is, without a doubt, their best work.
And no one will ever hear it.
So how, how, do I write an article that can encapsulate this, honor this?
[Excerpt from Sloane Donavan’s Final Revelations interview transcript]
2002: Blubbering Babies
DAX: I turned twenty-one in a rehab facility.
Not exactly what you picture when you’re growing up, y’know?
Most of my life wasn’t how I pictured it.
Most of it was better than I’d dreamed. I just had to stop fucking it up on purpose so I could actually be present for it.
I was really nervous, leaving rehab, reentering the real world, going back to work.
I didn’t totally believe in myself. To be brutally honest… I still don’t, some days.
JONAH: We all showed up to pick him up. We all crashed at Barrett’s that night and then moved Dax in with me since Barrett’s house was party central and the last place Dax needed to be.
MARCUS: It felt really good to get back to work.
CAIN: Listen, none of us were fucking saints, okay? We were all up to shit, just not to Dax’s level. But it could have been any of us, y’know? We all cleaned up our act after that.
BARRETT: It’s gross the way people were almost rooting for the kid to fail.
MARCUS: Fuck Mike Song.
CAIN: Fuck The Offbeat.
JONAH: Fuck that article.
BARRETT: If I were stuck in the woods with the world’s worst case of diarrhea and no toilet paper, but I had that article? I still wouldn’t use it to wipe my ass.
MARCUS: We wanted a fresh start after Reverie Fest. We’d fucked up. We’d betrayed our fans’ trust, and we wanted to let them know we took that seriously.
BARRETT: I hope Mike Song’s pillow is hot on both sides.
JONAH: The article we wanted was not the article we got. Far from it.
BARRETT: I hope his belt loops catch on every doorknob he walks past.
CAIN: I wondered for a long time what we did to get on that guy’s bad side, and I don’t think we did anything. He knew what kind of article would put The Offbeat on the map, so he wrote that, regardless of what he actually saw from us that day.
BARRETT: I hope he never has enough creamer for his coffee, and that the creamer he does have? Is spoiled and chunky.
MARCUS: That was a kick in the nuts. We were so full of hope, eager to get back to work. Dax was doing fucking fantastic. And then that article.
BARRETT: Fuck that guy.
JONAH: That article rattled Dax. Not so much that he wasn’t ever going to be allowed to move past his worst moment, but that none of us would be able to either. I think he felt guilty.
DAX: Let’s be real here: There’s a lot of guys in this scene who have done much worse than me, haven’t changed, and went on to have great careers, every opportunity laid at their feet in the name of “separating the art from the artist.” But they’re white, and I’m not, so of course I was held to a different standard.
And to have the article condemning me come from Song, one of the only other persons of color on the scene? [two middle fingers up]
CAIN: Deciding not to do press anymore was the easiest decision we ever made. Our label hated us for that, but the feeling was mutual—but that’s another story.
MARCUS: Our first show back, I was so nervous no one would come.
We’d postponed the tour because Dax was in rehab, and after that article, we feared no one would claim their tickets for the rescheduled shows.
I remember waiting in the wings before our set, all of us dead silent.
I kept trying to come up with something meaningful to say.
It felt like one of those moments where you should make a speech or something.
But we were all mutely quaking in our boots.
The venue was packed, sure, but were they just waiting for the chance to boo us off stage?
Which sounds absurd to say out loud, but then they did start chanting, except—[grins] They were chanting for us.
BARRETT: [air drums]
CAIN: Fi-nal.
JONAH: Fi-nal.
MARCUS: Fi-nal.
DAX: We’ve started every show since with that chant.
I don’t know how the crowd knew what we needed—what I needed—in that moment, but they did.
We left them chanting for a long while because we were all fucking blubbering babies.
As an artist, you don’t always know if what you do matters to people.
You don’t always get to know it while it’s happening.
But in that moment… we knew. One article didn’t get to define us unless we let it.
The fans were trusting us with a second chance.
And we’ve spent every day since working to never break their trust again.
MARCUS: I’m sure there were people who were hoping we’d fail. That in the vacuum of our downfall they’d get to be the ones at the top. Sorry. [laughs] I’m not sorry at all, actually.
CAIN: That Euro tour was some of the best shows we’ve ever played.
JONAH: We wanted it so bad. I was sober that entire tour. Partially out of solidarity with Dax while he was learning how to be sober in an industry that decidedly isn’t, but really, it was just… I didn’t want to miss one fucking second.