Chapter Twenty-Four
Noah
Bobbi needs reassurance. But more than that, she needs me to explain why I let her down and how I plan to ensure it won’t happen again. Although my past actions were motivated by a desire to keep her safe, they ended up hurting her deeply. I have to do better if I want more than just a chance, but for her to really accept me.
“I need your honesty, Noah,” she says, “or I can’t do this. I don’t want to live feeling like I’m on a train that can derail at any moment.”
No way to avoid fessing up.It was the one thing I wanted to get around, so I wouldn’t have to lie by omission. A lot of what I’ve done is classified. But keeping it to myself will cost me Bobbi. And beyond that, it would hurt her, make her feel like she’s being deliberately kept in the dark.
Share enough so she can understand, but not so much that it will get you in trouble for spreading state secrets.
I take a moment to gather my thoughts—and courage. Failure here will mean the end. There won’t be any further chances given. But if I can convince her, she’ll give me a fair shot. She’s too honest not to.
“I think I was a little afraid. I didn’t have the best family life or role models. My parents aren’t married, and they’re basically only interested in their careers. Although I shouldn’t complain too much. Dad paid for me and my brothers, so we grew up with all the material comforts you could imagine. Private schools, expensive vacations, cars, clothes… You name it.”
She runs a hand over my forearm. “That stuff isn’t everything.”
“I know. I’ve always been confident about providing for you, but I wasn’t always confident I could give you the personal and emotional support that creates a real relationship.” I wasn’t sure if you would be okay knowing that side of my life. But most importantly, my long-ingrained belief to keep my professional life secret from everyone kept me from opening up. My work is very fucking dangerous, but also necessary to make the world a safer place. And the fewer people who know about it, the better it is for everyone. “So even when I made promises, I stayed away because I chickened out.”
“But why? What could’ve been so bad? The worst thing that could’ve happened is that we’d break up. But then you leaving me behind and breaking promises led to the wrecking of our relationship anyway. We never had a chance.” Her tone isn’t accusatory, just clouded with confusion.
I inhale. Bobbi’s skepticism is understandable. I’d feel the same if the situation were reversed. It’s killing me that full honesty isn’t an option, and I have to choose my words carefully. “I had this idea that when we were together, we’d have a lot of adventures together.”
“Like going to Africa on photoshoots?”
“Yeah, like that. But then I saw some pictures of a guy I knew getting mauled by hyenas…” I blink, trying to keep the image of what happened to Mike Swain and his fiancée out of my head.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice is soft, full of sympathy. She squeezes my hand, so I turn mine and thread our fingers together, the warmth from her palm driving out the chill settling along my spine.
“His fiancée was there, too. She didn’t make it, either.” That’s the kindest way to put it. “And I kept seeing us in those photos, and it messed me up.”
“Oh, Noah. It was just an accident. We wouldn’t have been attacked like that. Besides, you know I can handle myself. You saw me in Mexico.”
“I know, but these are animals.” Fucking terrorists who consider raping women an enjoyable way to pass the time. They mutilated Swain’s fiancée. My belly knots again. “I just couldn’t stand the idea of anything happening to you.”
Bobbi wraps her arm over my shoulder and neck, her hand resting on the back of my head. Her lips press against my forehead, offering comfort. I close my eyes and let it soak into me, soothe the frayed edges of my nerves. The men responsible are gone now, their heads blown apart thanks to my cheetahs. But their deaths couldn’t undo what the couple had to suffer.
After a long moment, Bobbi asks softly, “So what changed?”
“I was on a plane after I shot some cheetahs on an assignment.” True enough—my cheetahs fired off a lot of bullets. “The pilot had a fatal heart attack, and there was a problem with the engines.” More like sabotage, but that’s an irrelevant detail. “The plane crashed—”
Bobbi gasps. “Oh my God.”
“—but I survived.”
“Well, yeah, obviously. But were you okay?” she asks, looking me over and running her hands down my shoulders and arms.
“Pfft, sure, it was nothing.” I love her concern for me, but there’s no reason for her to be worried at this point. “Found a working parachute under the pilot’s seat of all places.”
“Thank God.” Suddenly she drops her hands from my body and flushes a little, like she’s just realized what she was doing. So I take her hands in each of mine and kiss their backs, one after another.
“But what fueled me on that plane was the thought of you. I had no regrets about my family, but you… I kept wishing we hadn’t ended the way we did. That I’d been more courageous. I would’ve sold my soul to the devil if he’d guaranteed I’d get to see you again.”
“Noah…”
“It’s weird when you’re about to die. What’s really important and what’s just bullshit—it all starts to crystalize.” I give her a self-deprecating smile. “Took me a while, didn’t it?”
“Yeah, it did,” she says softly, but her beautiful caramel eyes brim with concern and care. “And now I understand where you’re coming from a lot better.” She looks away and takes a moment to think.
Time ticks by, anxiety pooling in my belly. Is she going to ask for proof of the crash? It wasn’t reported anywhere—obviously—and I can’t really share more than this.
She expels a breath, then lifts her chin and faces me squarely with the resolute expression she wears when she’s come to a decision. It’s sexy as hell, but at the same time, I know that whatever conclusion she’s come to will be final. The muscles around my neck and shoulders grow taut.
“I will give you another chance, Noah.”
“Thank you.” Thank God.
“But I’m setting a limit. Three months. If I’m not convinced within that time that we can have a future that’s right for us, I want you to accept it and leave me alone. As in alone alone. Permanently. Can you do that?”
“Yes.” Based on the way she goes whole hog after what she wants, she sometimes appears reckless. But she’s too smart to not leave herself an exit. And it’s irrelevant what she wants if I’m unsuccessful. I don’t plan to fail.