Chapter 5
With her back against her headboard, Giavanna sat up Indian style in bed and stared at the wall in front of her.
She had been staring at the stark white wall for the longest time.
It started out with her waiting for her pain medication to kick in, so the throbbing in her head would subside.
She sat quietly praying for relief with each passing second.
Giavanna was so tired of having to deal with her emotions that soon, she became so lost in staring at the wall that it took her a while to even notice that her headache had finally tapered off.
Giavanna’s lids fluttered, but she fought to keep her eyes open.
She was tired of sleeping, tired of crying, tired of being tired.
Chemo zapped all of her energy. The nausea medicine that she took made her drowsy.
Her illness and the side effects of chemo made her sleep enough, she didn’t need any added drowsiness, but the nausea medication stopped her from throwing up every hour on the hour.
Each day, Giavanna tried her best to be grateful for another day, but it was so hard to be happy and smile through the tragedy that had become her life.
A knock at the door made a dejected sigh push from her throat.
One thing she would always be grateful for was her support system.
There were people who really cared about her, but they also had lives and other obligations.
The company and check-ins were great, but Giavanna was slowly learning to cherish her time alone.
In no way did she ever want to come across like a bitch or as being ungrateful, but of course, everyone around her was always so optimistic and bubbling rays of sunshine.
They made her feel guilty about something as natural as being afraid.
In her opinion, people wanted her to put on a cape and become super confident that her story would play out the way she wanted it to, and Giavanna found that pretending to be something she wasn’t was exhausting and annoying.
Slowly, she eased out of bed because one side effect that she hadn’t anticipated from either the cancer or the chemo was aching joints, especially her legs.
She’d been wearing a bonnet for two days, afraid to see any shedding of the thick, beautiful hair that she was so in love with.
Looking in the mirror actually made Giavanna sad.
The dark circles underneath her eyes. The dull appearance of her skin.
She didn’t recognize herself nor did she feel like herself.
And people wanted her to be in good spirits?
Giavanna wanted a shirt that said fuck off because that was her permanent mood.
After peeking through the peephole in the door, Giavanna observed her best friend, Sheena, standing on the other side of the door.
Simultaneously, she slowly pulled the door opened and put on a small smile.
One that didn’t reach her eyes, but she also knew that despite how she felt, no one wanted to be around a Debbie Downer all the time.
“Hey, Boo,” she greeted her friend of twenty years.
“I come bearing gifts.” Sheena raised two black gift bags. “How are you feeling today, Sis?”
“I just had a terrible headache. Like pounding. I took something, and it eased off. It also helped a little with the aching in my legs, so that was a two-for-one deal. Other than that, just the usual fatigue, but I guess it could be worse.” Giavanna sat down on the couch, choosing not to run down the other ailments she had like dry mouth and a metallic taste in her mouth that made everything she ate and drank taste awful.
She was sure Sheena got the gist of her answer.
Sheena placed the gift bags on the floor at her feet and began pulling items out. “First, I have this oil diffuser because I know you love a good smelling house, but candles are not good for us, so I got you this and a bunch of oils.”
Giavanna wanted to say why should she stop burning candles if she already had cancer, but she bit her tongue and continued watching her friend remove items from the bag.
“I got you these cute little fuzzy socks, a journal and a pen, some ginger chews to eat on, and this book by Sarah Jakes-Roberts.” When she was done presenting the items, Sheena sat there smiling proudly, and her genuine simper made Giavanna smile as well.
“Thank you, Friend. I love everything. I’ve told y’all to stop spoiling me.”
“Never.” Sheena looked around the room. “Need me to do anything for you? It looks pretty clean in here.”
“Yeah, last night my mom did the dishes and cleaned up in the bathroom before she left. And before that headache started kicking my ass earlier, I had a little energy, so I vacuumed and did some light dusting. Nothing major.”
“Got any errands you need me to run for you?”
“No, but if you’re not busy tomorrow, and I feel up to it, I would like to go get pedicures. These feet are atrocious, honey. I thought about taking this gel off my nails, but the doctor said the chemo could turn my nails black, and that’s going to be so ugly.” Giavanna swallowed down a lump.
“You know I’m always down for some pampering and self-care.
I never want to make you feel like your feelings aren’t valid, so I won’t say who cares if your nails are black.
You obviously care, and I never want to dismiss your feelings, so whatever you want to do, I have your back.
Take the gel off. Leave it on. Whatever your heart tells you to do. ”
With a smile on her face, Giavanna stood up and advanced toward her friend.
Leaning down, she wrapped her arms around Sheena and gave her a tight hug.
There were people who went through the hardest obstacles in their life alone, and Giavanna was so grateful that wasn’t her story.
Her prayer was that she continued to live, so she could return the favor any time people in her life needed support.
The doorbell rang, and Giavanna released her friend.
People rarely called or texted anymore before stopping by, and it was a process for her to not be annoyed by the constant impromptu visits.
Not even bothering to check and see who it was, Giavanna unlocked the door and pulled it open.
The sight of Brazil standing there in all his tall, muscular glory with a fresh haircut and beard smelling like shea butter, made her breath catch in her throat.
He stood before her dressed in Nike shorts that did nothing to hide his third leg.
With a flushed face, Giavanna quickly tore her gaze away from his package.
“Hey, hi,” she stammered, clumsily.
“Sorry about popping up on you, but I was in the area, and I have your bag.”
Baffled, she glanced down and saw a medium-sized, black monogram Louis Vuitton duffel bag, and her mouth gaped open. “You got me a Louis Vuitton to use as my chemo bag?” she asked in awe.
With a passive shrug, Brazil acted as if it was no big deal. “I mean, you can use it for other things like traveling.”
He extended the bag, and she took it from him. “Thank you, Brazil. This was really nice of you. I appreciate it.” Despite not being able to see herself, Giavanna was almost certain that the smile she gave him was one that reached her eyes.
She loved the effort, support, and gifts from all of her friends and family but for some reason, Brazil’s acts were hitting her a little different, and she wasn’t sure why.
“It’s not a problem. How you feeling?”
It was her turn to shrug. “Same ole, but it could be worse. I’m hanging in there.”
“Glad to hear it. I gotta get going, but I hope you enjoy the bag, and let me know when you’re ready to see Unique.”
Just hearing her name made Giavanna’s chest tighten.
She missed her so bad it was ridiculous.
Nothing in her life was the same, and she hated it.
Afraid that her voice would crack if she spoke made Giavanna refrain from doing so.
She simply nodded and closed the door after Brazil turned and walked off.
When she turned around, Sheena was at the window peeking out of the blinds. “Baby that man is too motherfucking fine, do you hear me?!”
“I’m sure the neighbors hear you, girl.” Giavanna sat down while trying to ignore the flutters in her belly.
Sheena didn’t speak again until Brazil was in his car and backing out of the driveway. Whirling around, her eyes landed on the bag at Giavanna’s feet.
“That man got you a chemo bag, and the chemo bag is a Louie bag? Friend is there something you aren’t telling me?”
“No. He says I’m family. I mean, I did take custody of his daughter after Kera died. I’ve never asked him for anything, and I kept Unique out of the goodness of my heart with no ulterior motives. He appreciates that.”
Sheena didn’t speak. She stared at her friend with narrowed eyes until Giavanna widened hers.
“What, crazy?”
“Um that sounds nice, but I’m not buying it. He likes you.”
Waving the comment off, Giavanna shook her head. “I can promise you he doesn’t. I’m not his baby mama, but we’re basically co-parenting. That’s it.”
“Ummmhmmmm.” With pursed lips, Sheena took her seat. “You might be trying to convince yourself, but I’m not buying it. That man is fine as the fuck. Body is out of this world, and he plays professional soccer. He’d be an amazing catch.”
With a frown on her face, Giavanna drew back. “In all of your excitement did you forget that the mother of his child is my cousin?”
When Sheena’s response was a blank stare, Giavanna shook her head.
In the rare times that Sheena was quiet, it typically meant, she knew what she was thinking was inappropriate, and she was trying to stop herself from saying it.
Her intrusive thoughts always won, and she said the inappropriate thing anyway.
Sure enough, a few seconds later, she spoke. “Gia, friend, Kera isn’t alive anymore.”
With eyes as big as saucers, Giavanna stared at her friend with a slack jaw. “Did you really just say that?”
“What? She’s not.”