Ten
I stared at my hands.
“I’m still waiting on news, but I know what it’ll say. It’ll say my time’s up, and I didn’t make good enough fucking use of it.”
Lissa shifted in her chair. We’d been in here forever, it felt like, longer than I think one of these appointments should be.
“Should I go? I should go, right? It’s late.”
She shook her head. “You had no set appointment time, Stitch, and sometimes it takes longer to open up. I have nothing else planned today, so you can take your time.”
Great, I’d been kinda hoping she’d boot me out, once I’d mentioned it.
“Time. Yeah, good one, doc.”
She grimaced. “Why are you so certain you’re out of time? You’re making assumptions in lieu of your results.”
She could be a little snippy, and I bet Ice fucking loved it. He was a snippy bastard himself sometimes.
“So I should just assume I’m completely healthy while I wait? Live like nothing’s different? It’s fucking impossible, because something is different. I’m missing a part of myself, and yeah, I know, probably doesn’t sound much. It wasn’t a limb, but you know what? It was a fundamental part of me as a man, and it’s gone. My life is forever changed by that one thing.”
My throat was suddenly dry, so I grabbed my glass, draining the last few droplets. Lissa leaned forward and poured more from the jug of no longer iced water.
“Stitch, of course it was a fundamental part of you. Everything is. What you went through would change anyone, but holding in what you feel won’t help you. And convincing yourself that it’s over, before you even know anything for sure, is unhealthy, because these thoughts weigh on you, and they will drain you of energy.”
“Yeah, I get that. I keep thinking if I found it earlier, would it be different now? I even wanted to get mad at the last girl who went down on me, because it was like, if she’d done it right, she’d have felt it, and then I realise what an asshole thought that is, because what if she did? What if she was horrified, and didn’t want to be the one to tell me it was there?”
The blood drained out of me as I looked at Lissa suddenly.
“Jesus, I shouldn’t be talking about that stuff with you. I’m sorry.”
Again she looked completely unconcerned.
“I have no restrictions on what you talk about with me, Stitch. If you-”
“Can you not call me that in here?”
For the first time, I’d surprised her, and didn’t that say a lot about the things she’d heard before. She opened her mouth, paused, and held up a hand.
“I’m so sorry, but I don’t know anything else to call you.”
Of course, how would she?
“Seth. Uh, my real name is Seth, you’ll hear my sister Elise call me that if you see her at the clubhouse. She’s uh… she doesn’t get that she’s meant to use my road name, especially there.”
Lissa nodded. “I know there are a lot of rules to club life. I’m still learning them myself.”
I imagined it was pretty strange a life to come into from anything else. For me, it was the structure that I needed, something to balance me out, and Reacher was like my counterpoint. Sometimes the hothead to my calm, and sometimes it worked other ways.
“Road names are essential, a sign of respect. Every time she calls me Seth at the club, she’s dissing me, or at least, that’s how the dickheads in the club will see it. Anyone else, I’d yell at them until they got it right.” Bullshit. I don’t yell. What am I even saying ?
Lissa shrugged. “Thank you for allowing me to call you Seth while we’re in session. I don’t think you realise it, but you’re opening up and letting me in already, and that’s impressive. A lot of men rebel so much that they miss out on what I can do to help.”
Men. Men men men. Those people who still have a full fucking set of junk. I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t different. I could feel how different it was, every second of every fucking day.
“Yeah… well maybe I’m finding my feminine side with one less ball.”
Lissa’s cheeks coloured, and I groaned.
“You did know that part, right? I mean at this point, it’s pretty fucking obvious.”
She leaned down and grabbed her glass of water.
“I just wasn’t prepared for you to say that. I’m sorry, I do try not to react, but… you’re far more open than even you expected.”
I shrugged, and stood up.
“On that note, I think I need to get out of here. Thanks though, Lissa. I hope it’s okay to call you that, I never even fucking asked.”
She nodded. “Seth, in this room, we’re just Seth and Lissa. You talk and I listen. And it never goes any further.”
“Not even to Reacher?”
She stood up to follow me to the door.
“Never. You need to be able to trust me completely, and that’s my promise to you. All I’ll say is that you came and talked. And I’ll only say that because he made the appointment and he’s a nosy bastard, so you know he’ll ask.”
I pulled the door open, and there was the nosy bastard himself, sitting with Camille. Fucking hell. Sitting right fucking next to her. Why did that cause a surge of anger inside me? Why did that make me want to drag him away from her?
“Talk of the devil,” Lissa giggled behind me.
“’Nosy bastard’ was the term I think you used.” I made sure the fucker could hear me.
Reacher smirked. “I was just catching up with the lovely Cammy here. I’ve got no idea what you’re on about.”
I felt another unusual twinge of anger at my oldest friend at those words. I stalked over to him, and forcibly dragged him up from the chair .
“Well, you’re done now. We’re leaving. Ladies, it’s been a pleasure.”
Cammy
I watched him leave with regret, although it was quite funny watching him manhandle his Club President out of our premises, like a security guard removing a shoplifter from a store.
Lissa was still giggling, and then I remembered the shouting.
“You okay, girl?”
She nodded. “He’s a sweetheart, really. He’s got a lot going on, and a lot of anger, but he never made me feel uncomfortable.”
I wished I could say the same, because for the third time since I’d met the bastard, I was wet. Obviously the first time was a gimme, I mean, he was tonguing me like he wanted to fuck me. Earlier when I dragged him to the back to make him a drink, I felt almost like I was dragging him off somewhere for us to, guess what, fuck like animals. It got me more excited than I’d ever admit. But just then?
Just then, I like to think that the intense look on his face, when he saw Reacher beside me, was possessiveness. Maybe even jealousy. I wanted it to be that. I wanted him to feel territorial and aggressive toward other men being anywhere near me, and how fucked up is that? Clearly the kinds of books I read have corrupted me, to the point where any hint of behaviour I could liken to a hero in one of my books, had me on auto-moist setting.
“Cammy! You’re not listening!” I suddenly realised I’d been lost in thought, or let’s be honest, horniness over Stitch.
“Oh my god. It was him, wasn’t it? It was Stitch you were dry humping at the clubhouse.”
“Dry humping? You don’t say things like that! Where’s the Lissa I used to know? Ice has turned you into… into… well, me!”
She was giggling again.
“I can’t believe it was Stitch. I mean, I had no idea what he looked like, but oh my god, why didn’t I just take you to the wall of pictures! You could have pointed him out and then we could have asked someone. Where was my head last night?!”
“Probably in Ice’s lap.”
She slapped at my arm, but I noticed she didn’t disagree.
“Yeah, it was him. Stitch. What a weird name. Like, I don’t even know anything about him, except that crazy name. Like does he make his own clothes. Oh! Does he stitch all their damn patches on? I have no idea.”
“His real name is Seth, not that anyone should call him that when he’s with the club.”
“If he’s wearing his cut, it’s always his road name. That’s what I read somewhere.”
Lissa leaned on the front desk and stared at me.
“So… you and Stitch…”
My shoulders dropped, some of my excitement waning.
“Yeah? There’s nothing to tell. He snogged my face off, then apologised and… Oh! Oh my god, you don’t know what happened when he got here!”
She raised her eyebrows. “Talk, girl. We have nothing else to do here right now.”
“He thought I was you.”
She looked surprised, her gaze leaving mine for a moment.
“Is that why you guys were in the kitchen?”
“What, are you asking me if I pretended to be you? Of course, I didn’t. But he was mortified, because he thought he’d forced his lips on Ice’s old lady. It was quite cute actually.”
Lissa chewed her lip, watching me carefully.
“So you like him?”
“I don’t know him, Lissa, but he seems nice, and the things he can do with his tongue… I want to feel that all over.” She giggled, then sobered up.
“I can’t talk about why he’s here, obviously, but give him some time. He has a lot going on, and he may not stick around.”
I had so many questions, but I knew she couldn’t answer any of them.
“He’s leaving?”
She tilted a shoulder. “He thinks he is. ”
The way she said that suggested that others might have different ideas about his departure. Wow, I wanted to know more.
“Is he… is he with anyone?”