Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
“This will do.”
Hector crossed to one corner of the study where several chairs had been moved aside, leaving an open space atop a Persian rug.
Jane joined him, smoothing her skirts. “Thank you.”
The fire had burned lower since they arrived, casting a warm amber glow over the shelves and polished wood. Outside, rain tapped lightly against the tall windows, muffling the sounds of London until the room felt strangely secluded from the rest of the city.
The duke removed his coat and draped it carefully over the back of a nearby chair.
Jane tried very hard not to notice the way his shirtsleeves strained across his forearms.
She failed quite spectacularly.
He rolled his sleeves to his elbows with practiced efficiency. The simple action somehow felt far more intimate than it ought. He caught her looking.
One corner of his mouth lifted. “Lady Jane?”
She blinked. “I was, erm, merely observing.” Her voice came out in a strangled croak, and she could feel her face heating up.
“I see,” he murmured with a hint of a smirk before he stepped closer. “Last time I showed you how to escape one sort of grip.”
Jane nodded. “This evening we’ll begin with balance.”
“Balance?”
“It matters more than strength.” He motioned toward the floor. “Stand naturally.”
She obeyed.
The duke shook his head. “No.”
She blinked at him in surprise. “I beg your pardon?”
“You are standing like a lady.”
“I am a lady.”
“Exactly.” His eyes flicked to her slippers. “Place your feet farther apart.”
She complied. “Wider.”
She sighed dramatically. “I am beginning to resemble a stable boy.”
“You are beginning to resemble someone who will remain standing if pushed.” He came around behind her.
Without warning, his hands settled lightly at her waist. Jane forgot how to breathe. His touch was careful, gentle, and entirely innocent. That did not stop every muscle in her body from becoming suddenly aware of him.
“Relax,” Hector said in a low voice that tickled the back of her neck and sent shivers racing through her body.
“I am relaxed.”
“You are very rigid at the moment, my lady. It’s not helping our lesson.”
She closed her eyes for the briefest moment and breathed slowly, willing the tension away.
His hands shifted slightly, adjusting her stance. “There.” He stepped away. “Better.”
She turned to face him. “Is this truly how gentlemen fight?”
“Gentlemen rarely do.”
She tilted her head. “You fight.”
“I have.”
“You speak as though there’s a difference.”
“There is.” He demonstrated the stance himself. “It is not fighting that one learns first.”
“What is it?”
“How not to fall.” He nudged her shoulder gently.
She instinctively shifted her weight and remained upright.
“Again.” He did it once more. Then he did it again from a different angle.
Each time she compensated a little faster.
His eyebrows rose. “You learn quickly.”
“I always have.”
“So I have noticed.”
She smiled. “My governess frequently complained.”
“I imagine she had reason.”
“She claimed I asked too many questions.”
“I suspect she was correct.”
“I was curious.”
“Were?”
She laughed. “Am.”
“I thought as much.” He reached for her wrist. “This time, try to move before I do.”
She frowned in concentration. The instant his fingers tightened, she twisted instinctively. He released her. A flicker of approval crossed his face.
“Good.” He almost smiled. Again.
She was beginning to suspect Hector smiled far more often than society believed. Only rarely in public. Almost never fully. But here…
There was warmth beneath the reserve. Hidden carefully from the rest of the world.
After another series of movements, Jane wiped a stray curl away from her temple. “Who taught you all of this, Your Grace?”
Something changed in his expression. “My father.”
She waited. He resumed demonstrating another movement before continuing.
“He believed every gentleman should know how to defend himself.”
“You were young?” Jane asked.
“Eight.”
Jane blinked. “That seems terribly early.”
“It was.” Hector’s voice was tight.
She looked at him expectantly. For several moments, he remained silent. How much did he want to reveal? The truth was she could tell that he did not want to reveal much at all.
Then he spoke almost absently. “Evan disliked lessons.”
She smiled. “I cannot imagine why.”
“He believed rules existed merely to inconvenience him,” Hector said with a choked laugh.
Jane shifted so that she was closer to him. “That sounds rather charming.”
“It was exhausting.”
She laughed. “So you taught him?”
“He refused instructors,” Hector said. His voice was quiet, but there was a warm sincerity when he spoke of his brother.
“But not you.”
“No.”
“Why?” Jane pressed.
He looked away briefly. “I was his brother.”
Something in those four words made her chest ache. She knew the feeling of trusting one’s older brother. He was so much more like Colin than she had let herself realize. “He trusted you.”
“I hope so.”
“You still doubt it?” Jane asked, incredulous. How could he doubt himself so wildly?
His jaw tightened almost imperceptibly. “I should have protected him.”
He looked up, realizing what he had said.
Jane stopped moving. “Hector—”
She stopped speaking as soon as she realized she had addressed him by name.
At what point did I become so familiar with him? “I’m sorry, Your Grace. That was, I mean… I didn’t mean to overstep.” She softened her voice. She wanted to reach out to him, to take his hand, but she did not. “You cannot believe that any of this was your fault.”
“I do.”
“You could not possibly watch him every hour.”
“I should have tried. I was the only person in whom he had total faith. I made him a promise that I would always be there for him for as long as I lived. I failed him.”
Jane studied him. For the first time she understood, not simply that he loved Evan, but that he had built his entire life around protecting him. No wonder losing him had hollowed him out.
Despite the fear that he might resist, she reached out and took his hand in hers. For a second, she thought he might pull away, but he seemed resigned to his sadness, or maybe he simply needed comfort from someone who understood. He did not flinch as she laced her fingers through his.
Quietly, so as not to ruin the moment, she said, “My father used to say responsibility becomes dangerous when one mistakes it for control.”
His gaze lifted to hers.
“He believed you could not possibly protect people from every sorrow.” She smiled sadly. “I argued the point with him.”
“I imagine you did.” She could hear the amusement in his voice.
“I thought love ought to be enough.”
“And now?”
She looked toward the fire. “Now…” Her voice grew quieter. “I wonder whether I failed them both.”
He frowned. “Your father?”
“And Colin. My father died believing Colin would take care of us.” She swallowed. “But now…” She looked down at her hands. “If Colin never returns…” Jane met his eyes. “If Colin never returns…” Her voice trembled despite her efforts. “Should I have done more to help him that night…?”
Hector was silent for a long moment. Then he stepped closer. Close enough that she could see every shade of gray in his eyes. “You couldn’t have done more, Jane. Not without risking your life. We will find him. We will find them both. I promise.”
Hector squeezed Jane’s hand gently. The room fell quiet. Neither moved. Neither looked away. The space between them suddenly felt impossibly small.
Jane realized she no longer saw the intimidating Duke of Sunderford standing before her. She saw only a man carrying grief almost as heavy as her own. A man who blamed himself for things no human being could truly control.
And somehow, she suspected he was beginning to see her just as clearly. Outside, the rain fell softly against the windows, as it had for much of that day. Inside, neither of them noticed it anymore.
They stared at one another until Hector seemed to wake up from a dream, and gently withdrew his hand. “Right,” he said, “we should continue your training.”
Jane felt as though all the air had been sucked out of the room, but she obeyed and took her starting stance again. She knew that something had subtly shifted between them.
Jane’s arms trembled as she tried the movement again.
“No.” Hector stepped behind her before she could recover her balance. His hand settled lightly against her elbow while the other rested just above her wrist.
“Relax your shoulder.”
“I’m trying.”
“I know.” His voice sounded lower than usual.
She swallowed.
He adjusted her stance another fraction, his chest almost brushing her back. “There.”
She attempted the movement again. This time she twisted free cleanly.
“I did it.”
“You did.” There was unmistakable approval in his voice.
She turned toward him too quickly. The motion left scarcely any space between them. For a heartbeat, neither of them moved.
The candles on his desk burned quietly behind him, casting warm light across the room. Outside, rain continued its soft yet relentless tapping against the windows.
Jane became acutely aware of everything. The scent of sandalwood lingering on his coat. The warmth radiating from his body. The way one dark curl had escaped its perfect place near his temple.
Heat spread through her chest. Neither of them stepped away. She could hear his breathing. “I never thanked you properly.”
“For what?”
Jane licked her dry lips. “For believing I could do this and helping me.”
“You have never lacked courage. You only lacked someone willing to teach you.”
Something inside her tightened painfully. “You believe in me?”
“I always have.” The words slipped from him before he could stop them.
Another silence lingered between them. His gaze fell on her lips.
Jane’s pulse stumbled. She ought to move. She ought to say something clever. She ought to remember that he was a duke, and that this arrangement between them was temporary. That they were searching for Colin and Evan rather than meeting up like this under cover of darkness.
Instead, she whispered, “What are you thinking?”
Hector’s eyes darkened. His gaze lifted from her mouth up to her eyes. “Nothing I should be.”
Her breath caught. He raised one hand almost unconsciously. His fingertips brushed a loose curl near her temple. He tucked it carefully behind her ear. The touch lasted scarcely a second, but felt infinitely longer.
Her heart was hammering so loudly that she wondered if he could hear it. “Hector…”
His eyes darkened. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, he leaned closer. She found herself doing the same. The world seemed to narrow until only the space between them existed. His breath warmed her cheek.
If she lifted her chin another inch…
The memory of the alley returned. The wall at her back. His mouth on hers. The desperate relief that had driven them together.
This felt different. This was not an act of desperation. This was something they both chose. His hand lingered lightly against her jaw, and she swallowed in anticipation.
His jaw flexed. His thumb moved once against her cheek. Then he stepped backward. The loss of his warmth struck her far harder than she expected.
“No.” His voice was rough. “We cannot.”
Her heart sank.
He turned away, running a hand over the back of his neck. “This has gone far enough.”
She swallowed. “I thought…”
“Lady Jane.” He interrupted her so gently that it hurt. “Please.”
The single word carried more exhaustion than command.
She clasped her hands tightly together. “I only wondered whether…”
He shook his head. “If I continue standing this close to you…” He laughed once without humor. “…I shall forget every reason I have for keeping my distance.”
She stared at him. He had admitted it. “You truly wish to keep your distance?”
He remained silent for several moments.
“It’s for the best.”
She understood then. It was not that he did not want her. It was that he believed wanting her was something he could not permit himself to have. That realization hurt her far more than outright rejection would have.
She forced herself to nod. “I see.”
He drew a slow breath. “That is enough for tonight.”
She looked down at her hands. Then she glanced back up, afraid to see the expression in his eyes. “Will you teach me again?”
His eyes softened. “Yes.”
He retrieved her cloak from the chair and settled it carefully over her shoulders. His fingers brushed the fabric near her collar.
This time, he was meticulous in his efforts not to touch her. Oddly, the restraint felt even more intimate than their previous embrace.
“I’ll take you home.”
She nodded. Neither of them mentioned what had almost happened. Neither of them needed to. It followed them all the way to the waiting carriage; an unspoken secret that neither could leave behind.