36. Sarah
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
sarah
“If you keep crying like this, I might need to take you back to the hospital. Because this can’t be good for your concussion.”
My entire body shook with a sob. I sprawled over my bed, my face buried in my pillow, and I couldn’t stop crying. I did the right thing. I did the right thing.
I needed to get it all out before the boys got home, because right now, I didn't have the strength to pull myself together.
I was so tired.
So, so tired.
Haley stroked my back. “Sarah, what happened? What’s wrong? I’ve never seen Sammy or Colt look like that.”
I couldn’t even speak.
The panic that had gripped me was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. Being attacked at the cafe and feeling like I wasn’t being listened to had triggered something inside me I hadn’t felt since I’d been married to David. That wasn’t Colt or Sammy’s fault.
I knew them taking me to the hospital was logically the right thing to do.
But could someone tell my heart that?
I’d put them in danger. The fear that this was too much for them had taken over and I’d spiraled. I was the reason all of this was happening. How could they want to be with me? They didn’t deserve this. They didn’t deserve to always be in danger, always wondering if I was going to get hurt.
It was a lot. Between the threats, David missing, this attack—I’d done the best thing for all of us. Ending our relationship was the only way to keep them safe.
But it hurt. Everything hurt. I couldn’t stop thinking about the way Davy and Jake had looked at me.
I felt like the worst mom in the world. I’d married a psycho and we’d ended up in a situation where people hated me so much, they felt the need to attack me and the people I loved.
How was I supposed to keep everyone safe if I couldn’t even protect myself?
It wasn’t fair to Sammy or Colt to put them through all of this. They’d already gone through enough.
“I broke up with them,” I hiccuped.
“Oh my god. Okay. Okay, alright.” Haley continued to rub my back gently. “So, I need you to dry those tears, Sarah. Because this isn’t good for your head. I’m going to go down and get you some water and by the time I get back, I want them dried.”
“You sound like Honey.”
“Yeah, well. You’re better off with me than her.”
I sniffled as she left the bedroom and forced myself to breathe out of my mouth. God, I was a mess. I rolled over onto my back, tears rolling down the sides of my face and dampening my hair. I stared at the ceiling as I wiped them away, thinking about David.
Marrying him had been my greatest mistake. I thought about all the years we were together, all of the times I’d done whatever he said. I’d constantly changed who I was to fit into the mold he wanted.
These last few months, I’d started to learn who I was again. But, I was drained. I was tired of fighting. Soul sucking exhaustion had wrapped its arms around me, and wouldn’t let me go.
What was I supposed to do?
The stairs creaked as Haley returned with a glass of water and a straw. Her blonde curls were piled on top of her head, her brows pulled together as she sat on the side of the bed and offered me a sip.
“Everyone is too good to me,” I croaked.
“Sarah. Everyone loves you.”
I fought more tears as I took a few sips. She placed the water on the side table then carefully laid down in bed, pulling me into her arms.
She let out a full body sigh, resting her chin on top of my head. “Do you remember when Mom died?” she whispered.
My eyes widened. It was something we never spoke about. Hell, I couldn’t remember the last time her name had come up. “Yes.”
“Do you remember how we swore we’d be there for each other?”
I swallowed hard. “Yes.”
“I really failed you.”
“No,” I rasped. “No, you didn’t. Haley, we’ve talked about this.”
“That doesn’t mean the feeling has suddenly gone away. My brain knows there were reasons for me being gone. But my heart still hurts when I think about how much I’ve missed. And it hurts even more when I think about how much you’ve had to do alone. David was never there for you. You’ve been a single mom since the day you gave birth to Jake and Davy. Why can’t you see how strong you are?”
“Because I don’t feel strong. I didn’t do anything because I was strong, I did it because I had to.” My voice broke and I fought the tears again, holding my breath. Emotional pain hit me full force again, like everything around me was shattering and I was being cut over and over. “Everyone treats me like I’m fragile. Everyone treats me like I’m broken.”
“Sarah, you’re so used to doing things on your own that you’ve forgotten that part of being loved is being cared for. No one does anything for you because they think you’re fragile or broken. They do it because that’s what we do for each other. If you were in my shoes, wouldn’t you have done what I’ve done?”
I winced as I turned to the side, laying my head on her chest. “I’ve been a burden for months. Not knowing about Thomas really fucked me up. How could I not have known, Haley? How could I have missed that he was a completely different person?”
“None of us knew,” Haley said.
“But should I have recognized something was wrong? I jeopardized everyone I love. I felt like that again today, more than ever before.”
“But you didn’t do this. Unless you’re secretly an evil mastermind.”
I shook my head. “No.”
She gently stroked my hair. “So then why do you keep punishing yourself like you are one?”
“Because I should have known.”
“No one knew David had a brother. The information that has come out about that family has been beyond anything we could have imagined, Sarah. You didn’t do this. You didn’t kill those women. You didn’t try to kill me. ”
“I’m sorry.”
She blew out a frustrated sigh. “I don’t accept your apology.”
“But—”
“No. I don’t. I don’t accept this. Tell me why you broke up with Sammy and Colt. I thought you loved them.”
“I do.” I couldn’t fight the tears and let them roll, trying to keep breathing. “I love them so damn much, Haley. But after being attacked today, I realized I’m a danger to them. I’m too much trouble.”
“I need you to look at me when I ask you this.”
I looked up at her and my eyes widened.
Haley was mad.
“Did Sammy Harlow or Colton Hayes say you were too much trouble? Did they say anything like that? Or is that David talking?”
My eyes widened.
“Because I’m either about to go kneecap a couple of cowboys or tell you that you’re still letting David control you.”
I stared at her for a moment and laughed, then winced because laughing hurt. “You are something fierce.”
But she had a point.
“You might be right,” I sighed, looking away. “But I still need some time to work through some of this. I don’t think either one of them will want anything to do with me now.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” she said. “You should have seen them in the waiting room. You should have seen them with Jake and Davy. Hell, you should have seen Jake and Davy with the two of them.”
I nodded slowly. “I didn’t want the boys to see me being loaded up into the ambulance. And god, now there will be more bills, and…”
Haley made a face.
I narrowed my eyes. “What’s that look for?”
She fought a small smile. “I don’t think you’ll have any bills to worry about.”
“ Haley .”
“It wasn’t me.”
“ Haley !”
She made a zipping motion with her lips. “Not a damn word.”
“You traitor,” I sighed, but I was smiling now. “You’re on their side, aren’t you?”
“Maybe a little. I never expected you to end up with two people in your life who loved you, and who you loved back. I think it’s beautiful. I think it’s clear they love each other too. And I think all three of you are good people. Obviously, you have to decide for yourself if this is what you want.”
She was right. “I just need some space to think.”
“There were a lot of big emotions today,” she said. “You made the decision to break up with them out of fear. I think taking some space would be good while you heal. You need to get some sleep. Today was hell, but you’re safe now. I’m going to go downstairs and call Cam to check on the boys.”
“Okay. Thank you.”
I squeezed her hand and she kissed my forehead before rolling out of bed. I pulled the blankets up to my shoulders and tried to ignore the ache in my heart.
Earlier, I’d been so sure I was doing the right thing.
There was a part of me that believed maybe it was the right thing. There was also a part of me that was still scarred from not being loved in return for so long. The years with David had left me shriveled and starved, and Sammy and Colt had come into my life and began to heal me.
I was a mess.
I was a mom. I was always busy. I was constantly on the go, constantly trying to heal from the past. Didn’t I owe it to them—and myself—to trust that if they wanted to be with me, they would be?
I loved them. I was more sure of that than anything else.
Sammy and Colt had changed my life in so many ways. Fear was holding me back now, and maybe Haley was right. Maybe I still felt like David controlled me.
My eyes started to close and as I drifted off to sleep, all I could think about was how I’d made a mistake by breaking up with Colt and Sammy.
I was so tired of fighting and being afraid. Wasn’t it time for me to let myself be happy?
It meant letting myself love again.
It also meant letting myself be loved.