Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
RAY
Holy. Fucking. Hell.
Disposing of the condom, I collapse on the bed beside Kaya, wrap an arm around her waist, and haul her back until our bodies are flush. The need to constantly have my hands on her, to feel her warm curves along every inch of my body, to fortify the endless hum that exists between us is heady… and terrifying.
The last time I opened myself up, put my heart on the line, let myself be thoroughly vulnerable, everything I cared about was stolen. In the middle of the night, without a sound, Brianna walked out the door with Tucker in her arms and shattered my world.
I trusted Brianna, and she used my blind faith in her as a weapon. With one simple act, she warped my perception of relationships, trust, love.
By no means is Kaya anything like Brianna. To my very core, I know this is true. But I can’t help the way my head spins and heart clenches as my feelings for Kaya grow.
What I need is to snap the hell out of it. Now is not the time to compare the trauma of past relationships to the woman in my arms.
Closing my eyes, I burrow my nose in her hair, inhale deeply, and get lost in her scent. Memorize the softness of her skin beneath my calloused fingers. The shape of her, the way she rests her arms over mine and secures me in place.
“That was…” she whispers.
When she doesn’t say more, I add, “Intense.”
Her arms over mine tighten as she hums. “Intense,” she repeats. “Incredible.” Her hold on me loosens as she rolls over, those stunning coppery-brown eyes filling my vision. Her soft fingers delicately dancing over my jawline. “Unforgettable.”
I’ll never forget tonight.
And with that single thought, my apprehension from a moment ago returns with a vengeance. An invisible hand wraps itself around my unshielded heart, its poisonous, viny fingers encasing the foolish, thumping organ with ease. Clenching. Constricting. Reminding me what happened last time I let someone this close.
I dizzy from the rapid mood swing and slam my eyes shut. Like a pebble skipped across the water, a ripple of uncertainty flickers over my face.
So soft, so gentle, and perfect in every possible way, she strokes her thumb over my cheek. “What’s wrong?” Trepidation coats those two words, and the grip on my heart strengthens.
No matter what I say right now, I’ll come across as an asshole.
I hate it. I hate that someone no longer in my life still has a hold on me. Has the ability to affect every thought, every mood, every happy moment. To sour and darken one of the best nights of my life. More than anything, I hate that Brianna still takes up space in my head. Even if only a sliver, it remains ever-present, ready to make an appearance and steal the slightest bit of joy.
One deep breath, then another, and another. On the last exhale, I open my eyes and swallow past the boulder in my throat.
Please don’t hate me for what I’m about to do. I’ll hate myself enough for the both of us.
“Nothing’s wrong.” I brush loose strands of hair from her face and trace my knuckles along her jaw. Ignore the pang in my chest as I school my expression. “Was just thinking it’s probably best you don’t stay.”
All the air leaves my lungs as my rib cage strangles the organs. My stomach wrings and wrenches, a dose of bile clawing its way up my throat.
The last thing I want is for Kaya to leave, for this night to end. But my fucking mind…
She jerks back in surprise, two lines forming between her brows as she studies my eyes with unparalleled intensity.
Fuck. I hate myself. Hate that I’m not strong enough to eviscerate the demons of my past. Hate that I may lose the most incredible woman to enter my life because I’m afraid of what happens next.
A frightened coward, that is what I am.
“If Tucker sees us in bed in the morning or you in the same clothes as yesterday, it’ll be an endless inquisition.” I clench my teeth for one, two, three erratic heartbeats. “He’ll be confused, and it’ll get uncomfortable.”
Keep digging deeper. If I’m going to screw this up, let it be thoroughly.
Wildfire blazes in her addictive irises, but it’s not a fire I’d dare step close to or try to put out. No, Kaya deserves to feel that fury-laden flame in her veins. And I deserve to be the person she burns with it.
Low, sardonic laughter floats through the room and sends a chill up my spine.
Kaya inches away, sits up, and swings her legs off the bed, giving me her back and shutting me out. Hands on either side of her, she fists the edge of the bed and shakes her head. Without a word, she stands and moves around the room, collecting her clothes and slipping them on.
I shiver—from the loss of her warmth, at the distance I feel growing between us, at the uncertainty of what happens next.
Fully dressed in seconds, she spins to face me, squares her shoulders, and lifts her chin. “You’re good.” She scoffs. “I’ll give it to you”—her arms circle her midsection as she hugs herself with unmatched ferocity—“you had me fooled.”
Fuck.
Her cool disposition snaps me out of my chaotic thoughts. I bolt up and cross the room. She shuffles back as I step within a foot of her, holding up her hand.
“No,” she says, the single syllable sharp, cutting. “You don’t get to make yourself feel better for throwing me out.”
My hands dive into my hair as a new thread of fear seeps in and buries itself in my marrow. Full-blown panic surfaces as it dawns on me I may have destroyed my relationship with the most remarkable person to enter my life.
Aghast, I backpedal. “That came out all wrong.” I close my eyes for one deep, unsatisfactory breath. Unable to filter my thoughts, I say the first thing that comes to mind. “This is so new and foreign to me.”
Incredulity mars her expression. “Casual hookups?” A derisive huff falls from her lips. “I doubt that.” Her arms around her middle hug impossibly tighter.
My eyes lose focus as I shake my head. An unfamiliar heaviness bears down on the center of my chest. The backs of my eyes burn as saliva pools in my mouth. “No.” I bite the inside of my cheek, fighting against my next words. But they win. “Feeling so much for someone scares the shit out of me.”
Kaya turns to stone, her gaze firmly locked on mine as she searches for an ounce of deception. She won’t find it. Not when it comes to this.
Countless emotions dance over her expression as she absorbs my truth. “Why?”
How can the shortest question carry so much weight?
“Give me a second.”
I move to the dresser, grab a pair of sweatpants, and slip them on. As I step in her direction, I mull over how much to say. Wonder how much she already knows from Tucker. Question how much more vulnerable I am willing to be with this woman.
Kaya is not Brianna, I remind myself for the umpteenth time.
“There’s a reason I haven’t been serious with anyone in years,” I admit as I inch closer to her. God, I want to touch her. Let her know that she is the furthest thing from a casual hookup.
“Tucker?”
I tilt my head left then right. “Yes and no.” As much as I want to touch her, I shove my hands in my pockets to stop myself. “I’m careful with who I introduce to him—not that there’s been anyone. He’s been through things no one his age should have to deal with. And I do my best to shield him from future hurt.” I swallow past the thick ball of anxiety climbing up my throat. “But it’s more than that.”
In my periphery, she reaches out then pulls back before making contact. Her addictive gaze searches mine for words left unsaid. She shuffles closer, consumes my vision, but stays back enough we don’t touch.
“I won’t pressure you into telling me, but I’m here if you want to.”
In no way am I deserving of this woman, her patience, her kindness, her strength. But damn, do I want her. To be deserving of her.
“Not tonight.”
Her expression falls, and my frame wilts. In a blink, the softness I love about her turns defensive. “I should head home.”
Before I respond, she steps back, turns on her heel, and heads for the door. As reality sinks in, Kaya exits the bedroom and slinks down the hallway to the stairs. I snap out of my muddled thoughts and bolt out the door on quiet feet, needing to reach her.
The day went from one of the best to the most cataclysmic in no time. And it’s my damn fault.
I don’t want her to leave, much less on a sour note. Nor do I want my insecurities to be a looming black cloud over us. “Kaya,” I whisper-shout as I reach the bottom step. “Wait. Please.”
Goose bumps ripple over my skin as she slips on her shoes and shoulders her bag. Head down, she doesn’t meet my gaze. Focused on her footsteps, she doesn’t acknowledge my presence or plea.
Reaching for her, I cup her elbow and step into her line of sight. “Please don’t leave like this.”
Her fiery gaze slaps me across the face with a single look. “I didn’t set this in motion.” The muscles in her jaw tic as she points to her chest. “I’m allowed to feel however I want.” She steps out of my touch. “Even if you don’t like it.”
Message received.
“Let me at least walk you out.”
She doesn’t deny my request. Lifting the bag higher on her shoulder, she steps around me and walks to the door, turning the handle and disappearing into the cool night air.
Barefoot and shirtless, I dash after her. Guilt floods my veins. Humiliation makes my skin itch. A thick layer of repugnance blankets my soul.
Leave it to me to fuck this up because I can’t get my shit together.
Lights flash as she unlocks the car with her fob. My pulse pounds a vicious rhythm in my ears. My breaths come in clipped, unfulfilling sips.
She can’t leave angry.
The thought dredges up memories of my last few months with Brianna before she stole Tucker and vanished. My hands visibly shake at my sides. I ball them into fists and shove them in my pockets.
Kaya opens the door and tosses her bag inside. Before she shuts the door, I wedge myself in the opening, duck down, and press a kiss to her cheek.
“I get why you’re upset.” Against every impulse, I lean back, straighten to my full height but don’t retreat. “I ruined a perfect day. The best night.” The last three words come out in a whisper. “But don’t drive if you’re angry. Pull over and clear your head.” Unable to resist the need to touch her, I reach out and graze my knuckles along her arm. “Please.”
Eyes forward and refusing to meet mine, her brow furrows a beat before she nods and cranks the engine.
One step back, then another, I close her car door. Gravel crunches as I fix my stare on her through the window. Headlights flash in my eyes momentarily before she puts the car in drive and slowly disappears down the unlit gravel road, headed for the highway.
When I no longer see her taillights, I fill my lungs so fully it hurts, tip my head back, take in the starry night sky, and scream, “Fuck!”
In less than a minute, it’s quite possible I ruined the best thing, other than Tucker, to happen to me.
I jog back into the house, clean up the remnants of our evening in the living room, then take the stairs two at a time. Slip through my bedroom door and close it. Pick up my phone on the floor near my shorts and unlock it, tapping the message app.
My eyes lose focus as my fingers hover over the keyboard, eager to text Kaya an infinite number of apologies. I decide against it and give her the night to cool off.
I’ll see her in the morning at the restaurant.
Then reality hits and reminds me there’re no cooking classes this week. With Independence Day on Friday, the town is flooded with tourists. Restaurant reservations are fully booked and every server, cook, and hospitality worker in Stone Bay is working overtime.
“Dammit,” I grumble as I strip back the comforter and climb into bed.
I return to my text history with Kaya and type. Before I finish the first line of my apology, my phone buzzes.
Sadly, it’s not Kaya.
No, it’s a message from the last person I want to speak with. The person I will never be rid of, no matter how hard I try. The person who sank her venomous claws so deep in my psyche she ruins every good thing in my present and future.
Somehow, I’ve let her have that much control over me and my heart. And I fucking hate her for it.
Unknown number
hey it’s Bri. can I see you and Tucker tomorrow? I need your help
And just like that, every defensive shield I own goes up and locks into place. Every ounce of distrust in my soul is seared in hellfire. Every moment I enjoyed with Kaya tonight fades away and is replaced with the haunting memories of my past.
Any peace, contentment, and affection I discovered in the past year and a half goes out the window with one text. And I ask myself if I will ever actually get a chance at true happiness.
Right now, it feels like the answer is no.